Tom Cruise is safe
Tom Cruise has bombproof cars
You better think twice before attempting to kill Tom Cruise via coordinated roadside ambush — yes I’m talking to you Larry from accounting — his cars are bombproof. An “insider” told In Touch Weekly:
“It sounds like he’s taken a page out of one of his action movies. A-list celebrities know they can’t be too careful. Tom’s vehicles look perfectly normal, but in reality they are more like armored trucks. He really, really loves his cars and he can afford the best.”
All of Tom’s chauffeurs are professionally trained defensive drivers, says the insider, so they can get him out of traffic problems and protect him from possible trouble. Still, he often prefers to drive his wife, Katie, and his three children himself.
“Tom is a car nut,” the insider adds. “He has practical everyday cars, classic collectibles and high-powered sports cars like the Porsche 911 Turbo. Of course he loves every minute behind the wheel, but he’s not stupid and he’s not going to take any chances while he’s driving.”
This story has to be fake. If Tom Cruise’s cars really were bombproof, he would have bought one for Lions for Lambs. Besides, the best way to kill Tom Cruise is to get that nut to do it himself. Here are three suggestions how: 1. Take away all of the mirrors in his house. 2. Teach him about Darwinism. 3. Show him a picture of David Beckham with another man . . . e.g. Brooke Hogan.
“’Tom is a car nut,’ the insider adds.”
Oh, now it all makes sense. He’s a CAR nut, not just a regular nut. And to think, we’ve been wrong about him all this time.
Oh yeah, don’t even think about killing Tom Cruise. L. Ron Hubbard prophesied in some Scientology doctrine that looks remarkably like horribly written science fiction that if you kill Tom Cruise, actually he said “rich idiots from California who’ll pay us lots of dough for this crap”, you’ll die of horrible boils and the clap.
Normally you only find that out at the $65,000 level of Scientology but I’m feeling generous today.
May Xenu, uh, not throw you in a volcano or something.