Victoria Beckham

Victoria Beckham in Paris, France (7/23)

I hate to spoil the surprise, especially since so many of you must be fans, but the Spice Girls are performing at the Closing Ceremony of the London Olympics this Sunday. And naturally, Victoria Beckham is demanding $15,000 for someone to do her hair and makeup. Naturally. How could hair and makeup possibly cost less than that? A source told Hollyscoop:

"Victoria Beckham has outrageous demands. Lets just say that they are paying at least $15,000 for Victoria Beckham's hair, make-up and stylist. In comparison, the other Spice Girls cost one-fourth of what Victoria is costing."

However, her diva behavior is causing a rift in the group.

"All of the diva stories about Victoria are true. This is pissing off the other Spice Girls. They don't understand why she is getting special treatment," adds the source.

Look, I'll volunteer to pull away the veil of shit that Scary, Ugly, Dykie, and Slutty Spice wove themselves in regards to their lone famous member: In our final year on this Earth of 2012, Victoria Beckham is bigger than all of you cows combined. Bananarama has more pull right now than the Spice Girls (don't know if that comment goes over as an insult in Britannia, but in America, dems be fightin' words). And believe me, I agree that Victoria brings absolutely nothing to the table, but as long as she keeps pumping out kids with stupid names for that guy that sells smoothies, she'll remain the Greg of your Brady Bunch.

*15 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Victoria Beckham needs to eat

Victoria Beckham has gotten so skinny that she can barely hold her own baby? Yeah, sure, I can buy that. A "veteran British photographer" told the National Enquirer:

"Whenever she knows she's being watched, she'll hold the baby for a few frames. As soon as she knows we have the photos she'll hand [Harper] off to a bodyguard."

It's not that the 38 year-old fashion designer doesn't love her child -- her diet has made her weak. "She is smart enough to now that until she gets her vertigo and fainting spells under control, it's best not to be carrying Harper around," reveals a close insider, who blames Victoria's diet. (Print Edition - 6/8)

"You can never be too broke or too fat." Do you know who said that? No one did -- I made that shit up to set up my brilliant post. The real saying goes something like "You can never be too rich or too thin." Great words to live by. Instead of attacking Mrs. Beckham, we should lavish her with praise since she's the skinny-ass bitch all modern wives and mothers should strive to be. As any doctor can tell you, a proper lady should only be heavy enough for the force of gravity to take effect. If heavier, skip lunch.

*25 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Stop sending the Beckhams baby gifts

Seriously. The Beckhams are worth $100+ million. Quit sending them baby crap. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Victoria and David Beckham want to stop the constant flow of baby presents for new daughter Harper — from people they don’t know. Most of the items, including 14 pricy strollers, have been sent by kiddie goods manufacturers, hoping for a Beckham endorsement, or even a paparazzi shot of the celebrity couple using their product in public.

To solve the problem, the Beckhams have instructed their staff to send the unsolicited gifts to a number of worthy children’s charities in the Los Angeles area.

The Beckhams are donating these baby gifts to children's charities? Hah, what losers! Don't they know how much strollers go for on the black market? Thousands of dollars. Someone's never taken a basic economics class . . .

*16 David Beckham and Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Victoria Beckham arriving to a pre-Oscar party at a private residence on Coldwater Canyon Drive in Beverly Hills (2/26)

About damn time someone put those uppity handicapped in their place. From the Daily Mail:

She is one of the world’s most recognisable stars, though on this occasion Victoria Beckham cannot have been thrilled to be quite so well-known. Mrs Beckham, 36, last night apologised after it emerged the star’s chauffeur-driven black Jaguar car had parked in a disabled bay outside a toy-shop in Harlow, Essex.

Indeed, the Daily Mail has learned the star deprived seriously ill Cystic Fibrosis sufferer Chantelle Hughes - who arrived soon after - of the parking spot in front of Toys R Us at lunchtime last Sunday. Last night, a spokesman for Mrs Beckham told the Daily Mail: ‘'This was a momentary lapse in judgement by Victoria's driver, not something that Victoria was aware of or would ever condone.

"Victoria is of course, hugely apologetic for any inconvenience that may have been caused," the spokesman added.

The fashion designer and her sister Louise Adams went to the shop to buy four ‘Bob the Builder’ branded balloons on sticks, believed to be part of celebrations for her youngest son Cruz’s sixth birthday that day.

What's most surprising about this story isn't the fact that Victoria's driver is an insensitive douchebag, it's that she actually goes out to buy her kids' presents. Don't rich people usually hire a lackey to do that for them? Also, hasn't Victoria heard of this thing called the "internets" where you can download free porn, buy toys online, download free porn, and download free porn? Regardless, either one of these scenarios would have been better for the kids in that Toys"R"Us. Because the only thing in a toy store more damaging to a child than seeing a praying mantis-esque Victoria Beckham are the toys made in China.

*15 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Victoria Beckham arriving at JFK airport in New York (2/8)

Victoria Beckham's iPhone is worth more than most people's cars . . . and definitely more than my bus pass, which incidentally I got laminated yesterday. Now let's see it ruined by some homeless guy's urine I accidentally sit in! Not gonna happen! From Gearlog:

Posh Spice spent your year's salary on an iPhone. Yep, you know those crazy gold-covered iPhones that we always assume no one actually buys? Victoria Beckham apparently owns one. The iPhone 4 (called, oddly the iPhone 4G on the outfitter's site) is covered in 150 grams of 24 carat gold. It apparently takes weeks to craft and runs £21,995.00 ($35,354.76).

The 36-year-old former Spice Girl was flipping through the absurdly expensive handset after landing in JFK, when the paparazzi did what paparazzi do. It also appears to be 75 percent covered with a case--because when you buy a $35,000 phone, the last thing you want to do is show it off to everyone.

When the revolution begins, you will look back at the moment Posh Spice showed off her $35K iPhone as the tipping point. Sure, in Egypt they revolt because they want more freedom, but here in the West people will take to the streets to protest the extreme excess of the wealthy. I mean, doesn't Posh know how many homeless people she could feed with that kind of money? Also, has anyone seen my "Little Red Book" by Mao Zedong?

*16 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Victoria Beckham and her "torpedo bazookas"

Victoria Beckham reveals in the February issue of Vogue UK that she got rid of her implants. Implants? I didn't know she had implants. Are we completely sure about this? From the mag:

Victoria Beckham has come a long way, sartorially speaking, from the matching-hubbie leather suits, matching-fuchsia-moon-dress-and-Birkin ensembles and out-matching-the-other-wags outfits. The evening of our interview, for instance, she trots into the wine bar eaterie beneath her Battersea studio in red leather Isabel Marant biker pants and life-threateningly high Brian Atwood platforms, clear polish on her shortish (gel) nails. No French manicures. No torpedo bazookas, either. "Gone," she announces, sinking on to a baguette in a chiaroscuro corner as head discreetly turn and her PR winces (remembering, perhaps, that at one point Victoria denied having implants).

It's actually a little surprising that it's taken Victoria this long to get rid of her boobs. You'd think she would've had them removed around the same time David had her cut her hair short and respond to the name "Tom." Of course now that she's pregnant, the real reason Victoria had them taken out is because she realizes that if her newborn is seriously craving that much silicone in its mouth, it'd be a lot easier to just give it a pacifier.

*5 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Victoria Beckham at LAX airport (12/5)

David and Victoria Beckham's rep revealed over the weekend that the couple is expecting their fourth child:

"David and Victoria Beckham are delighted to confirm they are expecting their fourth child in the summer. Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz are very excited about the arrival of their new brother or sister."

C'mon you two, you didn't have to make this announcement so soon. There's ways you could have taken care of this problem. And David, if Victoria starts blabbering and crying about wanting to keep the baby, I've found that $1,000 in cold hard cash and an intimidating stare can be very persuasive.

*15 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery: 

Victoria Beckham leaving Claridges Hotel in London (11/9)

OK, not really. But she does think she's become a parody of herself. Multimillionaire fight! *throws Google stock certificates at each other* Via Celebuzz:

Victoria's brand is celebrated for its elegant robes and classic styles, and the designer isn't sure about celebrities such as Lady Gaga who opt for wacky outfits. Nevertheless, the glamorous star does admire the kooky singer's ability to don such high heels when she's traveling.

"I have a lot of respect that she can walk in those shoes going through airports. I mean, goodness, people think I dress up to go to an airport! I think she's really doing her thing. That's her," Victoria told WWD.

"If I'm being completely honest, is it fair to say she may have become a little bit of a parody of herself? Is that fair to say?"

It's ironic that Victoria Beckham thinks Lady Gaga's turned into a parody of herself. Especially when she looks more and more like "UK Accent Barbie" every day (bolt-on tits, 24-inch waist). As it turns out, Victoria could actually learn a thing or two about improving one's appearance from Lady Gaga. Step 1. Women sometimes look better with a little meat on their bones (see here).

*10 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

The Claridge's Hotel in London 

In Touch Weekly says David Beckham cheated on Victoria Beckham in 2007 with a "high-class" call girl who won't keep her fucking mouth shut. Yes, if true, I'm sure 2007 was the only time David cheated. He probably recognized the error of his ways right after his blowjob was finished and then immediately became faithful again. It happens all the time. From the mag:

“It was a high,” Irma, 26, tells In Touch. “All of these women dream of being with him, and I got to hook up with him. It was very exciting.”

Irma claims that after agreeing on a price of $10,000 to stay the night, the two spent the next hour engaged in steamy foreplay. Irma says she then “whipped out” a condom and the two had sex for 15 minutes, but it was “nothing freaky,” she remembers. “He was very gentle and kind.” On a scale of 1 to 10, Irma rates David a 7½ as a lover. “He knew what he was doing.” She also recalls that David used lotion from the hotel bathroom to pleasure himself. “It was perfumed, so it kind of burned him!”

During their initial sexual encounter, David even opened up about wife of 11 years, Victoria. Irma says that David told her he preferred Victoria’s old curvier body. “He was saying that he liked her body more before,” she says. David also revealed to Irma that he is “more of a butt man than a breast man.”

I call bullshit on this story. There's no way David Beckham and his dreamy six-pack (no homo) would have to pay a woman $10,000 to sleep with him. The guy probably gets more solicitations for sex than a teenager at R. Kelly's house. Oh, and here's a newsflash for Irma, the "former high-class call girl": it wasn't the hotel's perfumed lotion that made David's dick burn. It was your worn-out vagina.

*6 pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Tuesday, June 15

Victoria Beckham out and about in London (pics start here)

Anna Faris on the set of What's Your Number? in Boston (pics start here)

Audrina Patridge leaving Solar de Cahuenga cafe in Hollywood (pics start here)

Kim Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian leaving Naimie's Beauty Center in Studio City (pics start here)

Reese Witherspoon out and about in Brentwood (pics start here)

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves shopping in the Tribeca section of New York (pics start here)

Rachel Bilson leaving Dragonfly DuLou boutique in Los Feliz (pics start here)

Jeremy Piven leaving Le Pain Quotidien in Santa Monica (pics start here)

Ivana Trump leaving Cipriani restaurant in New York (pics start here)

Phoebe Cates leaving Madeo restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Jeff Goldblum leaving a hotel in London (pics start here)

Elizabeth Berkley leaving a coffee shop in West Hollywood (pics start here)

*104 pics total in the gallery: