Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Hollywood Sex Scandals of 2009

Cutting things short today for the New Year. Here's a bountiful Top 10 list to hold you over until Monday (click through the gallery for comments under each picture). Stay safe out there tonight kids, and remember, just because a chick happens to be a Victoria's Secret Angel doesn't mean she can't give you herpes. YOU BITCH!

  • Thumbnail: 10. Josh Duhamel allegedly cheats on Fergie with a stripper \(November\)\: Can you really blame Josh for hooking up with a stripper\? Unlike his wife\, at least those girls accept their poles. Of course\, Josh could have done better than the chick he hooked up with . . . but apparently every other woman with her type of figure was busy trying out for the 1980 Soviet Weight Lifting Olympic team.
  • Thumbnail: 9. Rihanna's nude cell phone pics hit the web \(May\)\: It was nice to see photos of Rihanna this year where it wasn't her eyes that were deep purple . . . just her nipples.
  • Thumbnail: 8. Even more Vanessa Hudgens nude pics hit the web \(August\)\: Clearly Vanessa knows her fan base\: teenage boys that spend more time with their hands than a sculptor. She\’s a true hero in every definition of the word . . . um\, except the main one.
  • Thumbnail: 7. Rebecca Gayheart "sex tape" with husband Eric Dane and Playboy model Kari Ann Peniche \(August\)\: Threesomes are hot. Threesomes with Noxzema girls are even hotter. The only way this whole incident could have been any sexier is if spokespeople from ProActive and Clearasil had joined in. At least if Rebecca keeps making sex tapes she won't be involved with the other thing she's famous for\: avoiding cross walks \(Google it\).
  • Thumbnail: 6. Roman Polanski arrested in Switzerland and the ensuing fallout \(September\)\: Can you really blame a guy for skipping the country when he's been convicted of raping a child\? The only people more reviled in prison than the pedophiles are the guards . . . and bloggers \(don't ask\). Polanski's best option for making things right\: Spend one night in jail . . . sleeping on his stomach.
  • Thumbnail: 5. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian cheat on their spouses with each other \(March\)\: You'd think Eddie would cheat on his spouse with someone better looking than Leann Rimes . . . like Kathy Griffin. Hopefully these two eventually find what they're looking for and one day end up with exactly the type of arrangement they deserve\: hefty alimony payments.
  • Thumbnail: 4. McKenzie Phillips had sex with her dad \(September\)\: Some things you should take with you to the grave - like being raped by your step dad or appearing in a Rob Schneider film. Of course\, letting the world know that you were intimate with a father figure in your family can only mean one thing\: you're related to Joe Simpson.
  • Thumbnail: 3. David Letterman extortion attempt reveals affairs with staffers \(October\)\: You'd think with millions of dollars in the bank\, a long running television show\, and enough fame to last a lifetime that David Letterman would have cheated with hotter looking women.  The reality is that you can't really blame David for banging such ugly chicks - gapped teeth have been known to affect a person's taste.
  • Thumbnail: 2. Carrie Prejean made a solo sex tape \(November\)\: Being a beauty queen takes many talents\: Looking good in a swimsuit\, walking in high heels\, and smiling with Vaseline on your teeth.  Too bad typing isn't part of the judging process . . . with the way she's apparently able to use her fingers\, Carrie could probably type 200 words a minute\!
  • Thumbnail: 1. Tiger Woods and his whores \(November\)\: The saddest part about the whole Tiger Woods scandal is that if he'd only cheated with 15 whores\, the public \(and his wife\) probably would have forgiven him. But 16 . . . that's just ONE too many. So let this be a lesson kids\: Cheat once\, shame on you. Cheat 16 times\, get your junk tested for Chlamydia.

Top 10 Ho Ho Hos of Hollywood

Merry Christmas boys and girls. Celebslam's cutting it short today and taking tomorrow off for Christmas but will be back on Monday. In the meantime, here's a little Top 10 list I whipped up: Top 10 Ho Ho Hos of Hollywood (Lady Gaga @ #10 above). Make sure you click through the gallery for comments under each picture.

NOTE: Bumping this up for the people who missed it last Thursday

  • Thumbnail: 10. Lady Gaga\: OK\, we get it. You like to wear shocking outfits that show off your fat ass. You want to really shock me\? Wear a pantsuit.
  • Thumbnail: 9. Holly Madison\: She goes from dating Hugh Hefner to Criss Angel to Benji Madden. Next up\? The guy that hosts the local cable access channel show about cats. Basically\, if you've ever been on TV\, Holly will fuck you. Ho.
  • Thumbnail: 8. Katie Price\: The Pamela Anderson of Britain. And I don't mean that as a compliment. It was just easier writing that than "She can fit an entire traffic cone up her vagina." Ho.
  • Thumbnail: 7. Vanessa Hudgens\: You better believe you're making this list if you've had two naked picture scandals before your 21st birthday. But I still love you. Call me. Let's do dinner and blowjobs. Ho.
  • Thumbnail: 6. Pamela Anderson\: If ho'ing was a marathon\, Pam Anderson would be . . . um\, whoever runs marathons really fast. Maybe someone from Kenya\? I don't know. Ho.
  • Thumbnail: 5. Jude Law\: Jude was on Letterman last week and he was asked how many kids he has. He said three. He really has four. Wow. Ho.
  • Thumbnail: 4. Tiger Woods' Collective Group of Ho's\: Some of these ho's are actually hurt that Tiger had other girlfriends besides them. Oh really\? How about you stop fucking married men and I'll give you a tissue to wipe up your tears. Ho.
  • Thumbnail: 3. Lindsay Lohan\: She likes dudes. She likes chicks. She likes dudes. She likes chicks. This bitch changes more often than the weather. Ho.
  • Thumbnail: 2. Paris Hilton\: Of course she made this list. The only thing open more often than her legs is a 7-Eleven. Ho.
  • Thumbnail: 1. Tila Tequila\: Congratulations Tila. You beat Paris. The world hasn't seen an upset this big since we beat the Russians at the 1980 Olympics. But you deserve it. You also deserve malaria. Ho.

Top 10 Nude Scenes of 2009

Earlier this week, Mr. Skin released his annual list of the Top 10 celebrity nude scenes of 2009. So I went ahead and created a way-NSFW gallery of them. Because why wouldn't I? I don't want to spoil the surprise but, boobs. Lots of 'em. You're welcome. #10 above is Malin Akerman in Watchmen.

NOTE: To see all the uncensored pics of the Top 10 Nude Scenes of 2009, click the headline pic (or thumbnails) and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

  • Thumbnail: 10. Malin Akerman “Watchmen”
  • Thumbnail: 9. Alanna Ubach “Hung”
  • Thumbnail: 8. Julianna Guill “Friday the 13th”
  • Thumbnail: 7. Alice Eve “Crossing Over”
  • Thumbnail: 6. Betsy Rue “My Bloody Valentine 3-D”
  • Thumbnail: 5. Rachel Blanchard “Spread”
  • Thumbnail: 4. Anna Paquin “True Blood”
  • Thumbnail: 3. Amber Heard “The Informers”
  • Thumbnail: 2. Jessica Biel “Powder Blue”
  • Thumbnail: 1. Eva Amurri “Californication”

by Dan the Celebman

Space, it's full of heavenly bodies, and here are 10 of them. If you're looking for Princess Leia, Ripley or some really random female alien with an extra ear on her forehead from the original Star Trek series, well you won't find them here. This is not about nostalgia, this is about such sexy aliens/robots/spacewomen that would make any booster rocket go off prematurely. And don't complain about the lack of Replicants in this list, sci-fi fans are so hard to please.

NOTE: Make sure you click through the gallery for individual comments under each picture.

  • Thumbnail: 10. Annalee Call. Winona Ryder at her kinda boyish but still kinda sexy best. Is she a robot/? Is she a human/? Judging by the acting/, she/’s a robot. Winny isn/’t classically sexy /(although she does look good in a corset/) but the big doe eyes work a treat in Alien 3. And to show her dedication to sci/-fi nerds everywhere she even turned up in the new Star Trek film as Spock/’s ma. Now she won/’t have to steal comic books from the store anymore.
  • Thumbnail: 9. Aayla Secura. What do I remember most from Star Wars Episode III/: Revenge of The Sith/? The volcanic lightsaber fight/? The Yoda v Emperor fight/? Darth Vader getting his mask/? Or Amy Allen as the Jedi with tentacles on her head in a cropped shirt so tight her boobs could be classified as small moons/? They almost made up for the terrible script and one dimensional delivery. What/’s George Lucas got against blue chicks anyway/?
  • Thumbnail: 8. Daena. The slave girl in the Planet of the Apes remake/, played by Estella Warren. She/’s like the Raquel Welch of the 21st Century/, stick her in a fur bikini and get her to pout and stick her chest out a lot and BAM/, /$360 million at the box office. Well it was either her or a lot of guys like Helena Bonham Carter in a monkey suit. Or Mark Wahlberg running around in a torn figure/-hugging space suit...
  • Thumbnail: 7. Seven of Nine. Of course this is contrived /(guess who/’s at number 6/). Jeri Ryan makes Star Trek/: Voyager legitimate for its legion of fans/: /”Did you see last night/’s Voyager episode/?/”/, /”No/, I have a girlfriend./” OK/, so it didn/’t really make it legitimate/, but how many Trekkies had fantasies including the former Borg drone in her ridiculously tight jumpsuit... usually making out with Captain Kirk.
  • Thumbnail: 6. Number Six. See/, I said this was contrived/! Really Tricia Helfer should probably be in the top 3/, but I wanted to put the Battlestar Galactica temptress at number 6 for my own satisfaction. It could have been worse/, my first choice was Leela from Futurama. Tricia is queen of the geeks/, she also starred in the Command /& Conquer videogame. She must get so many unwashed retainers sent to her house.
  • Thumbnail: 5. Uhura. Zoe Saldana plays the feisty communications officer in the latest Star Trek movie. There is no doubt original Uhura Nichelle Nichols was a stellar hottie/, but she is 76/-years/-old/, so we/’re going for the 30/-year/-old version here. Zoe is set to appear in a 3D sci/-fi film called Avatar/, also starring Sigourney Weaver and directed by James Cameron. It/’s release date is actually mentioned in the Bible/, as Dorkageddon.
  • Thumbnail: 4. Sil. How many people saw any of the Species films because they wanted to see a polished sci/-fi horror with crackling dialogue and spellbinding acting and how many people saw them because Natasha Henstridge takes her clothes off a lot and has sex a lot and kills her sexual partners a lot/? Henstridge is the hottest alien in film since the alien queen in /”Aliens/”.
  • Thumbnail: 3. T/-X. Also better known as Terminatrix. Kristanna Loken makes Arnold Shwarzenegger look like a cigar/-chomping gun/-toting steroid/-guzzling intern/-harassing weakling in Terminator 3. The producers wisely dressed her in tight red leather/, with her long blonde hair tied back to make her look like the sexy strict principal type who can turn her hand into a flame/-thrower. Terminatrix... Dominatrix... oh Hollywood you and your clever sexual subliminal messages.
  • Thumbnail: 2. Sue Storm. Jessica Alba gets the super/-hero spot/, as her super/-hero does at least go to space. Alba actually performs some of her best acting ever in The Fantastic Four/, but the direction probably helped/: /”OK Jessica/, you/’re taking your clothes off/, you/’re invisible/, oh no/, people can see you/, you/’re naked/, look shocked Jessica/, no that/’s happy/, that/’s sad and that/’s happy again. I said shocked... Jeez someone hit her with a taser already/!./”
  • Thumbnail: 1. Space Emmanuelle. Krista Allen. Maybe a surprise choice for top spot/, but if you were ever channel surfing at 4am then you might have come across one of the many /”Emmanuelle in Space/” films made in the mid/-1990s and seen this sexy space queen. With lines like /”You have shown me the meaning of the word /’arouse/’/”/, you know you/’re on to a winner/, even if it was a guy who said that. She was also the girl with the big breasts in the elevator with Jim Carrey in /”Liar/, Liar/”. Beam me up Hotty/!

by Dan the Celebman 

We can all get a little bitter when some fat Hollywood producer picks a no talent bimbo "a la Heidi" off the street and makes them a star just because their face sells product. But there's a good reason why the producer does that, and the following celebs are the reason why. Some have talent, some have looks, all of them are people you don't want to bump into in a dark alley, which is ironic, because at least 4 of them live in a dark alley.

NOTE: Make sure you click through the gallery for individual comments under each picture.

  • Thumbnail: 10. Quentin Tarantino. This guy has serious directing and writing talent\, there is no doubt about that\, but I still think he might be one step away from being a serial killer. If you ever want to empty a nightclub just hire him and Steve Buscemi to be your bar tenders\: "this guy we knew in Reno\, didn't leave a tip... we gutted that fucker like a fish\, used his carcass to store the cocktail umbrellas." The eyes... the forehead... the chin... Kill Bill Vol 2\!
  • Thumbnail: 9. The Hogans. The Addams Family for the 21st Century\, only without the laughs. Dad is dating a girl that looks suspiciously like daughter\, Mom is dating man that could be a father\/son hybrid\, son is talentless jailbird life-wrecker and daughter is a Jessica Simpson wannabe\, but not as "talented". If you put them all together\, what have you got\? Godzilla with blonde hair and questionable chromosome count.
  • Thumbnail: 8. Khloe Kardashian. According to Wikipedia\, "the free encyclopedia that any Star Trek fan who is still a virgin at 38 and knows the difference in size between a Galactic class starship and Sovereign class starship can edit"\, Khloe is a model. I had to rack my brains before I realized what Khloe could possibly model. Then I realized. She's a life-size model for the Statue of Liberty right\? I mean look at Liberty\, bless her\, that gown is so 1886\!
  • Thumbnail: 7. The Williams Sisters. Venus and Serena\, absolute superstars in tennis. But with arms that look like they could bend steel girders and thighs that could pop a man's brain out of his ears like a teenager squeezing a zit\, these ladies make our scary list. Serena can hit the ball so hard she once served a lob so fast and high it knocked a satellite out of orbit and compromised the hull of the Battlestar Galactica. True story.
  • Thumbnail: 6. Posh Spice. Wife of David and mother of Brooklyn\, Detroit and Downtown LA. The singer\/fashionista\/British Paris Hilton. She scares a lot of people. Why\? Because you know in that tiny haute couture purse she has a can of mace and if you don't laugh at her insipid jokes and tell her she looks fabulous she will mace the goo out of your eyeballs until you are singing a medley of Spice Girls hits in her honor. Beware of the wrath of the stick thin obscenely rich woman scorned.
  • Thumbnail: 5. Gary Busey. Busey simply makes this list because of the way he treated Jennifer Garner at the 2008 Oscars. He practically dry humped her on the red carpet. Ben Affleck must have nearly choked on his family size box of donuts when he saw that. Busey is mentally clouded at the least and he seems to think people enjoy his crazy antics now. But at least he knows Spielberg will call him when the Jaws remake comes out. Hiring Busey is cheaper than a mechanical shark and scarier.
  • Thumbnail: 4. Tom Jones. Once one of the finest Welsh exports\, now a pin up for the cosmetic surgery industry. Women still throw their panties at him at his concerts\, but nowadays they are just trying to cover his face. Proof of this\? The panties are size XXL and dry. The day a man decides he needs plastic surgery on the "heaviness in his eyelids" is officially the day his testicles drop off and go looking for Lindsay Lohan for a new home.
  • Thumbnail: 3. Mel Gibson. If you don't think Mel is scary\, then take a look at this pic. That is a man with a look of "I am so rich and powerful that even God has to get through my PA before talking to me" in his eyes. Either that or he has just sacrificed a pack of wild dogs to the Sumerian god Martu in exchange for his continuing movie career and the downfall of Judaism. Apparently his next film is "Tragic Titanic\: The Wrath of the Hasidic Iceberg".
  • Thumbnail: 2. Michael Jackson. Amazing music\, questionable taste in domestic partners. Jackson gets scarier by the year\, dangling children out of windows\, turning white\, picking new noses\, thinking he's Peter Pan... the man is scary. I'm sure Peter Pan liked Wendy the most out of the Darling siblings\, I don't remember Pan asking Michael Darling to watch videos in bed with him and ask him to peel his banana. And yes\, that is a delightful euphemism.
  • Thumbnail: 1. Amy Winehouse. The scariest celebrity in the world. She threatened to torch my house and eat my dog's heart if I didn't put her at number 1... and buy her a bottle of gin. Amy used to make good music. Now she makes grown men cry and young men sterile. Rumor is her next album will just be a recording of her crying\, vomiting and mumbling gibberish. Bit like Britney's last album but with less sounds of whole chickens being consumed and gratuitous belching.

by Dan the Celebman

Chances are that three of these couples will have broken up before you finish reading this article. Four of them will then date other people on the list, before marrying a country singer or athlete. And finally, two others will decide they're gay and date Courtney Love. They sell lead-lined condoms, right?

NOTE: Make sure you click through the gallery for individual comments under each picture.

  • Thumbnail:  10. Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Why is this couple odd\? Well Tony Parker\, 6' 2"\, 180lbs\, tough\, powerful\, commanding. But we all know who wears the pants in that relationship. Not that a woman in charge is a bad thing\, but it is when she makes him watch all 6 seasons of "Sex and the City" before a game.
  • Thumbnail: 9. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Odd because they're lesbians\? No. Odd because Ellen is the female equivalent of the guy that used to play George on Seinfeld \(Jason Alexander\) scoring with Johnny Depp\, if they were both gay. Ellen is proof that hot chicks dig comedy and a few million dollars in the bank account.
  • Thumbnail: 8. Adriana Lima and Marko Luckybastardic. NBA basketball players certainly know how to score. First the LA Lakers and Madonna\, now Adriana and Marko. So why is this odd\? Well\, just look at the guy. The only thing they have in common is that they both speak English as a second language - but let's face it\, with Adriana\, you only need to learn two words\, "whipped" and "cream."
  • Thumbnail: 7. Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. OK\, so many people will probably disagree and say they look like such a lovely couple\, but I just imagine them at home with Jenny making fart jokes while Jim puts his head in the oven again. Depression and toilet humor just don't mix. But at least she's still hot.
  • Thumbnail: 6. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. I personally think Nick Cannon is very brave and Mariah is still admittedly hot - but she is madder than a cast-adrift lifeboat full of starving monkeys who just ate their last banana and then discovered that monkey meat tastes a bit like chicken. And banana.
  • Thumbnail: 5. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Surprised\? The most beautiful couple in the world \(after Ashlee and Pete that is\) considered odd\? Well no\, not really. Just Angelina. But she has enough odd in  her to make up for Brad\, who outside of films seems to leave most of his personality locked away in a little crystal jar Angelina hangs around her neck. With his blood...and his nuts. She's hot in a scary "don't make me lick the red-hot branding iron again please Mistress Angelina" kind of way.
  • Thumbnail: 4. Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. All that make-up\, hair curlers\, beauty products\, high-heel shoes\, false eyelashes\, Pink CDs\, fur coats\, lingerie - talk about high maintenance\! I don't know why Vanessa puts up with it. She deserves so much better.
  • Thumbnail: 3. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. They'll love this won't they\? Being classified as an odd-couple. I feel so unclean including them in this list. I knew I should have gone with Demi and Ashton, or as I like to call them, Black Widow and Lunch. So why are the Wentzs odd\? Because they have to be. Otherwise fame will forget them if it's all about talent.
  • Thumbnail: 2. Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman. You never know what you're getting with Christina. She can either look incredibly hot or like the dirtiest crack whore walking Hollywood Blvd. With Jordan however\, you definitely know what you're getting\: a face only a drunk mother could love. Drunk mother . . . wow, that brings back some memories . . . \*sobs\*
  • Thumbnail:     1. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Or as the press call them\, TomKat\, which is appropriate\, because if you whip a tomcat in the nuts with a wet towel they get about as mad as a Scientologist who just got told that L. Ron Hubbard wrote "Battlefield Earth" as a joke. I still like watching Cruise in films\, but that might be due to the microchip I had implanted in my head. But poor ol' Kate looks like she had the life\(force\) sucked right out of her.

Top 10 Bad Hollywood Boob Jobs

by Dan the Celebman

Nothing makes shallow celebs happier than a stiff injection of saline solution. But just like with Kevin Costner's acting career, things sometimes go horribly wrong.

NOTE: Make sure you click through the gallery for individual comments under each picture.

  • Thumbnail: 10. Audrina Patridge. The Hills has a lot to answer for. This MTV-produced bucket of rotting fish bait was thrust upon our small screens in 2006. Audrina has probably had breast implants, as they look perkier and significantly larger than they used to. However, we forgive her; any girl’s boobs would droop in the presence of Spencer Pratt.
  • Thumbnail: 9. Jewel. Jewel’s musical career has been declining in recent years. A boob job can usually help fix a performer’s esteem at least for the foreseeable future. Unless that boob job leaves you with some bizarre wrinkles that look like your granny’s forehead when she is frowning as you try to explain to her what bukkake is.
  • Thumbnail: 8. Jenna Jameson. Well it’s no surprise to find Jenna on this list. Jenna’s boobs were once a 32DD and currently come in at a more petite 32C. At one point, her boobs looked like they were made from Play-Doh; You could definitely see Tommy Lee’s handprint there. And a bit of his arm (what do you mean that’s not his arm... oh... Wow!).
  • Thumbnail: 7. Paula Abdul. I think it was just wrong of Simon Cowell to put Paula in a microwave. That’s what he did you know. Look at her. She looks like a prune with all the juice sucked out of her. If she got bitten by a vampire she would just explode like a piƱata full of dust. Her boobs look like she uses them to weigh vegetables by hooking a balance on nipple rings. Yuck.
  • Thumbnail: 6. Vivica Fox. Vivica Fox had such a bad boob job that “Vivicas” is now a term used to describe breasts that have hardened breast implants. Really, check the Urban Dictionary. Vivica played a hardened killer in Kill Bill Vol 1. No doubt she put her newfound skills to use by pounding the butcher who shoved an old pair of sandals in her chest cavity.
  • Thumbnail: 5. Donatella Versace. The horror, the horror. She’s making my eyes bleed, please, put me out of my misery.
  • Thumbnail: 4. Pamela Anderson. The queen of the boob job. There was a point when Pammy’s breasts were so large that astronauts could seem them from outer space (or rather the dust that collected on top of them). Her boobs have been chopped up so much that her nipples are practically falling off. Pammy is so plastic that when she dies it will take 1,000 years for her body to decompose.
  • Thumbnail: 3. Victoria Beckham. It was hard not to put Victoria in first place, her boobs are not just bad, they’re actually hilarious. Apparently she had them spaced like that deliberately to remind her of home, specifically, the English Channel. At some points, the English Channel is only 21 miles wide, just a bit slimmer than Overtanned Spice’s cleavage. Seriously, are they boobs or neoplastic benign tumors growing out from her armpits from frying her skin too much?
  • Thumbnail: 2. Tori Spelling. Tori is an evil genius. Bad boob job? Of course, but have you seen her face? We’re all too busy staring at her mammary glands to actually realize that Tori looks like that guy you keep seeing down at the market who has nice legs and boobs, but you are sure he is a guy because of his huge hands and chin (and moustache). And you worry because you keep getting a bit of a chubby when you see him/her. But you also secretly like it. You want the man/woman/beast don’t you? And Tori knows that
  • Thumbnail: 1. Tara Reid. Way to go Tara, not easy to push Tori into 2nd place. Remember Tara in “American Pie”? She was cute, sexy, and incredibly hot. Fast forward 10 years and tell me if you had a choice between Tara Reid and a meat grinder, which you’d take home to introduce to your parents? Tara’s boob job is so nasty that she was once used by NASA to scare away a potential alien invasion. The extra-terrestrials took one look at those Hellish mounds and beat a hasty retreat. She is an all-American hero.