Recently in Tom Cruise Category

Lindsay Lohan is unimpressed

Trust me Tom, once Suri hits puberty and even hints that she likes boys, just throw her down a well.

[Splash News]

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in New York (5/3)

For Victoria Beckham's 34th birthday, Tom Cruise surprised her and husband David Beckham by flying the couple aboard his private jet to Napa Valley for a wine tasting vacation. The Daily Mirror says:

Tom offered [David] his private jet and recommended a trip to a friend's vineyard in Napa Valley, California. But when the Beckhams got to LAX airport, it turned into a surprise party. Tom and wife Katie Holmes were waiting on board. And so were new LA pals Heidi Klum, Seal, Kate Beckinsale and Len Wiseman. The A-listers set a course for the Napa Valley for a tour of the vineyards then had dinner cooked by the private chef.

A friend of the Beckhams told me: "They were expecting a quiet trip for two, but Tom secretly laid on the trip for Victoria's birthday last weekend and David's on Friday. They waited in the jet with cake!" (Source)

Wine tasting my ass. This is Tom's secret for recruiting celebrities into Scientology. He whisks them away to Napa, gets them drunk on fine wines, and then gently convinces them to sign their lives away. "Man, this merlot sucks . . . speaking of things that suck, what's up with stupid Catholicism? Am I right or am I right!"

[Pacific Coast News]

Tom Cruise during his last appearance

Tom Cruise is returning to the Oprah Winfrey Show. Of course the actor made headlines back in 2005 when he jumped up and down on Oprah's couch while pronouncing his love for Katie Holmes. Cruise's rep told People magazine:

“Tom will be doing the Oprah show. He is really looking forward to it.”

The show, which will appear in two parts during May sweeps, will celebrate Cruise’s career since his breakout role 25 years ago in Risky Business. One part will be shot in-studio before a live audience. In the other, Cruise will show Winfrey around his Telluride mountain retreat and do a portion of the interview at the home. (Source)

How can Tom possibly follow up his couch-jumping performance? He can't do a normal interview -- he has a reputation to uphold. Viewers are gonna be expecting craziness. I'm thinking something along the lines of doing the entire interview in ancient tongue. Or Tom climbing the rafters and swinging around like a spider monkey, mocking Oprah while raining urine and feces down upon the studio audience. "You get feces! You get feces! You get feces! You get feces! EVERYONE GETS FECES!!!"

Kinda gay for a yearbook photo

Tom Cruise doesn't want you to know he once partied with Randy Jones, the original and very gay cowboy of the Village People. Cruise's lawyers forced Jones to remove a mention of the two partying together in 1982 from his recently sold memoir Macho Man. Jones told the New York Daily News:

"Tom and I had the same management company at the time. I met him at a party Andy Warhol threw for Peter Gatien's Limelight [nightclub offshoot] in Atlanta."

To hear Jones tell the story, it was quite a party. But after calls went out to a spokeswoman and attorney for the "Mission: Impossible" star yesterday, the book's editor assured me that Cruise's name had been removed from the final version. (Source)

I'm sure it was "quite a party" -- one that was filled with oil wrestling, show tunes karaoke, and eyeliner. The fact that Tom Cruise and the cowboy from the Village People had the same manager at the time, can only mean this guy was really busy. Now I'm not saying Tom's gay, but I think his anus is.

PICS: Tom Cruise and daughter Suri at a park in L.A. (3/26)

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Katie Holmes was Tom Cruise's fourth choice

Katie Holmes should look at the positive side of this story: fourth place is way better than fifth place. Ha ha ha, bunch of fifth place losers! And what exactly did Katie place fourth in? Why the Tom Cruise wife auditions of course. According to ex-Scientologist Marc Headley, under the guise of needing an actress to star in a new Cruise film, Church head David Miscavige set up a "casting call" to help Tom find a wife. Marc told UK tabloid News of the World:

"They went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. Jennifer and Jessica didn't bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition. When she arrived and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood, she freaked out and didn't do a tape…"

But Katie Holmes popped into the Scientologist's minds because she had previously spoken out about her crush on Tom. "They got her to L.A. and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he's enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, "I knew immediately she was the one," Marc says. (Source)

Tom knew "immediately she was the one". . . after the other three. Getting picked fourth to be the wife of Tom Cruise is kind of like being selected as the third string quarterback: You know you'll never get to see any action, but you have to smile and pretend that you're happy . . . plus you get a paycheck if you keep your mouth shut and don't spill any secrets. So a lot like a Priest.

[Getty]

"I am heterosexual. Here is my wife. She has a vagina. I like it."

Valentine's Day plans that is. Note in this interview with Us Weekly how it only takes five words for Tom to sound kinda creepy:

"I have plans," Tom Cruise, 45, told Usmagazine.com at the opening of the Eli Broad Contemporary Art Museum last night.

Will the day be romantic?

"It will." (Source)

A fun AND romantic evening planned by Tom Cruise? How exciting! I wonder if they'll take the Scientology ship (artist's impression of the ship below based on actual Scientology writings) out to Haley's Comet -- I hear it's beautiful this time of year. Or maybe they'll time travel through a wormhole to the Victorian Era (I'm told the music of those days was quite romantic). Either way, I'm sure they'll finish off the evening with a nice dinner comprised of Romulan ale and the hearts on nonbelievers. And anal.

Tom Cruise is a rogue trader

French bank Société Générale announced today that a rogue options trader lost the bank €4.9 billion ($7.2 billion) due to unauthorized trades which were concealed through "a scheme of elaborate fictitious transactions". The London Times is saying the guy's name is Jérôme Kerviel but I'm pretty sure that's Tom Cruise. I've seen Jerry Maguire. I love that one part when he's all like "The truth? You can't handle the truth!" So intense. Anyways, the FBI has been notified and is currently conducting a closet by closet search for Cruise in the greater Los Angeles area.

"All your base are belong to us!"

You know that video of Tom Cruise accepting the "IAS Freedom of Valor Medal" at the Scientology Awards in 2006 that's been making it's way 'round the internets? It's only the tip of the iceberg. There's five other parts. And they're all hilarious. So hilarious in fact that NBC is thinking about firing Lorne Michaels and looping the video every Saturday night to finally generate some laughs.

NOTE: Check out all 6 videos on PAGE 2 before the "church" sics it's lawyers on YouTube

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Part 4:

Part 5:

Part 6:

Tom Cruise wanted Jennifer Garner

Author Andrew Morton claims that before Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes he had his sights set on a number of high profile women including Jessica Alba, Scarlet Johansson, Kate Bosworth, and Jennifer Garner -- but Holmes ultimately won the "audition" in the end. Morton's new book Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography makes a number of claims about Cruise including one that his wife's father brokered a high-praying pre-nup before the two married and that some Scientologists believe that Suri Cruise was actually conceived via artificial insemination -- with the sperm coming from church founder L. Ron Hubbard. Regarding Garner, Us Weekly says:

Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star's voice mail in 2004 asking "if she knew what freedom was," but his advances were rebuffed. (Source)

When Tom talks about his women and their "freedom", does he mean the freedom to dress up like an alien, a man, or my grandmother? Either way, Tom must feel like crap knowing the public thinks Jennifer Garner made a better decision marrying the star of Gigli!

Tom Cruise talks Scientology

"It's a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist." -- so says Tom Cruise in a leaked 9-minute speech the actor made as he accepted the "Freedom Medal of Valor" award at an International Association of Scientologists event. Some select quotes via Us Weekly:

"I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist, and it’s something that you have to earn because a Scientologist does... has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Being a Scientologist, you look at someone and know absolutely that you can help them.

"Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident... you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.

"But that’s what drives me... I know that we have an opportunity to really help... effectively change people’s lives and I am dedicated to that. I am absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that.

"We have a responsibility.

"We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions... we can rehabilitate criminals.

"...We can bring peace and unite cultures...

"Traveling the world and meeting the people that I’ve met, talking with these leaders in various fields, they want help and they are depending on people who know and who can be effective and do it and that’s us. That is our responsibility to do that.

"It is the time now. Now is the time... Being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it, you better know it and if you don’t, go and learn it, but don’t pretend you know it. It’s like we’re here to help.

"If you’re a Scientologist, you see life, you see things the way they are, in all its glory, all of its complexity and the more you know as a Scientologist, you don’t become overwhelmed by it.

"Look, I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean. That’s what I want it to be. There’s times I’d like to do that, but I can’t because I know I have to do something about it.

"I have to do it because I can’t live with myself if I don’t, and that really is it.

"So it’s our responsibility to educate, create the new reality. We have that responsibility to say, 'Hey, this is the way it should be done because we do it this way and people are actually getting better.'

"And let’s get it done. Let’s really get it done and have enough love and compassion and toughness that you’re really going to do it and do it right.

"I have to tell you something – it is rough and tumble, and it’s wild and wooly, and it’s a blast, it’s a blast, it really is fun because, dammit, there is nothing better than the going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see things are better.

"I want to know that I’ve done everything I could everyday, and I think about those people out there who are depending on us. I think about that and it does make me feel that we’ve got more work. I need more help, get those spectators either in the playing field or out of the arena. Really, that’s how I feel about it.

"I do what I can, and I do it the way I do everything. [laughs] There’s nothing part-of-the way for me." (Source)

Laugh all you want at Tom's ramblings about his crazy religion started by a mediocre Sci-Fi author but just know one thing . . . Lightsaber fight! Lightsaber fight! Tom's on my team this time!

NOTE: There's a YouTube below that should be good for another hour or two (Scientologists are working overtime to get this thing taken down everywhere). You can directly download the clip here.