Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise on the set of Knight and Day in Long Beach (1/25)

I don't know what Tom's trying to prove but he's doing all of his own stunts for his new movie Knight and Day. When you're worth a gazillion dollars, you hire people to do the stuff you absolutely don't want to do. For example, you wouldn't catch Tom mowing the lawn, trimming the hedges, or kissing his wife. That's what day laborers and hush money are for.

Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz on the set of Knight and Day in Long Beach (1/25)

+ Karina Smirnoff attempts the Jessica Alba bikini pose [Hollywood Tuna]

+ Who's up for a little Doutzen Kroes jogging? [The Superficial]
+ Kelly Brook's boobs wishing you a good morning [IDLYITW]
+ Heidi Klum's replica has a nice rack [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Jennifer Aniston + Brad Pitt = Awkward [OK! Magazine]

+ Boobies! (NSFW) [College Humor]
+ Marisa Miller in leather? Don't mind if I do. [Popoholic]
+ No one knows who Jared Leto is [Lainey Gossip]
+ Paula Abdul is getting paid [A Socialite's Life]

+ Price is Right contestant faints. Awesome. [Dlisted]
+ Unspeakably big boobs [Double Viking]
+ A little something for the ladies (NSFW) [Busted Coverage]
+ Kiefer Sutherland just lost $896,000 [Bitten and Bound]

Tom Cruise out and about in Beverly Hills (1/11)

Tom Cruise has been seen all over Beverly Hills the last few days riding his ridiculous Ducati motorcycle. Retailing for $72,000(!), the Ducati Desmosedici RR is a street-legal version of the Desmosedici MotoGP racebike. 500 were sold in the U.S. and they sold out in five hours. It goes 0-60 in 2.43 seconds and can hit a top speed of 196 mph. Despite this, Katie still had to help Tom get onto it. $72,000 and it doesn't even come with a stepladder. Seems like someone got ripped off!

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at the Sevilla vs Glasgow Rangers soccer match at the Sanchez Pizjuan Stadium in Sevilla, Spain (12/9)

The chances that Tom Cruise planted this story are currently hovering between 99.99% and 99.999%. From the Sydney Morning Herald:

[Katie Holmes], who has three-year-old daughter Suri with husband Tom Cruise, is desperate to get an inking to prove her devotion to Tom, but he is unsure.

A source said: "He's desperately trying to talk her out of getting the tattoo."

Katie came up with the idea after seeing the etching pal Victoria Beckham had to mark her 10 year wedding anniversary earlier this year. Victoria had the Hebrew words for `Together, Forever, Eternally' inked on her wrist in honour of her soccer star husband David. Katie is determined to get a similar inscription.

It's obvious why Tom doesn't want Katie to get a tattoo: she'll regret it later in life Xenu, Supreme Overlord of the planet Omicron Persei 8, will be displeased. If Katie really wants to be like the Beckhams and make Tom happy, she should just do what he really wants her to do: dress up like David.*

*C'mon, you didn't think I could make it out of the first week of January without cracking a gay joke about Tom, did you?

Could you be any freakier, Tom?

Us Weekly had a spy or something at a huge Scientology rally that went down last Friday in London and there report is about as freaky as you'd expect:

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and daughter Suri reunited with John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston -- plus over 4000 other Scientologists -- at a massive party in England on Oct. 16, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.

The stars were surprise guests at the 25th anniversary of the International Association of Scientologists held at Saint Hill Manor in East Grinsted, West Sussex. During nearly two hours of speeches, Cruise, 47, briefly addressed the rapturous, fist-pumping crowd: "Because we never took our eyes off the ultimate prize, we stand where we are today," he intoned, witnesses tells Us. "We are in this together!"

When a choir took to the stage, the Cruise-Holmes family stood up with the rest of the audience. "Tom was swaying and looked like he was in heaven," an attendee tells Us.  "He was really, really into it. Katie was next to him doing her best to look as enthusiastic. She was clapping along with the song, but was totally out of sync. Suri was standing by, looking a little bemused in a cute little party dress."

After the rally, Cruise and a group of his fellow Scientologists assembled in the local town square where they burned hundreds of books that didn't correspond with Scientology ideology. Oh wait, that was the Nazis in 1933. My bad. I always get those two groups confused.

Later, during a reception, Cruise was overheard chatting with another American man about the protesters outside the venue. "They're squirrels," Cruise said angrily, according to a witness. "Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!"

Boy if I had a nickel for every time I've been stuck in an electronic incident . . .

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Suri out and about in Boston (10/4)

Katie Holmes somehow convinced Tom Cruise to enroll their daughter Suri in a Catholic -- not a Scientologist -- pre-school. Clearly Katie has a set of incriminating photos of Tom giving a lap dance to a firefighter locked away in a safe somewhere. From the Daily Mail:

. . . last week Katie enrolled the toddler at the Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning in Boston, Massachusetts. The family are living in the city while Tom, 47, films his new movie, the spy comedy thriller Wichita. Katie’s mother also flew in for her granddaughter’s first week at the pre-school.

"Katie has been listening to her parents who are devout Catholics," I’m told. "She is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic - as she was. They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly - but Tom came around to the idea in the end."

Holmes, 30, has not been seen at the Church of Scientology for more than five months.

It's good to see Katie putting her foot down about something as important as religion. At least now, instead of being brainwashed by a ridiculous cult that teaches about airplanes flying through outer space, aliens, and mind-control, Suri will be taught about something much more believable -- a guy who was conceived without sex, came back to life three days after being killed, and then nailed 72 virgins. Wait, I think I'm mixing my religions again . . .

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in Boston (9/24)

Katie, Katie, Katie, I don't know when you're gonna learn. If you want to finally escape from Tom, you need to distract him. Walk by a firehouse during a shift change when it's packed full of hunky fireman. And then, when Tom's head is turned, make a break for it. You should have about an hour head start.  

He's totally checking out his ass

Writer Grant Wahl devotes an entire chapter to the friendship between David Beckham and Tom Cruise in his upcoming book The Beckham Experiment. Wahl claims Cruise has influenced "every major decision" Beckham has made since the two met in 2003 -- including the name of his third son, Cruz. Because why wouldn't you name your son after a guy you've known for an entire year? From the New York Daily News:

"I must admit, when [Victoria and I] met Tom, I remember turning around to Victoria and saying, 'Cruise is a great name, but we could spell it different,'" Beckham told Wahl for the book, due from Crown Publishing on Tuesday. "And also, living in Spain, Cruz is spelled the way it is in Spanish. So that's why we got it."

It sounds like David's memory might be a little fuzzy on this matter. When he came up with the name Cruz for his son, David should have remembered "turning around" not to Victoria but to Tom and saying "use more lube" "mind the stepchildren" "Cruise is a great name." It's nice to know how open-minded Victoria is with David's sentimentality towards his ex-lovers. My future wife would probably be furious if we ended up naming our kid Adriana, Alessandra, or Used Gym Sock.

Katie Holmes at the L.A. premiere of Star Trek held at Grauman's Chinese Theatre (4/30)

I don't know what Tom's crushing up in Katie's food, but based on how high she looked at the Star Trek premiere last night, he could easily get $200/gram for that shit on the street.