Could you be any freakier, Tom? Us Weekly had a spy or something at a huge Scientology rally that went down last Friday in London and there report is about as freaky as you'd expect:
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and daughter Suri reunited with John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston -- plus over 4000 other Scientologists -- at a massive party in England on Oct. 16, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.
The stars were surprise guests at the 25th anniversary of the International Association of Scientologists held at Saint Hill Manor in East Grinsted, West Sussex. During nearly two hours of speeches, Cruise, 47, briefly addressed the rapturous, fist-pumping crowd: "Because we never took our eyes off the ultimate prize, we stand where we are today," he intoned, witnesses tells Us. "We are in this together!"
When a choir took to the stage, the Cruise-Holmes family stood up with the rest of the audience. "Tom was swaying and looked like he was in heaven," an attendee tells Us. "He was really, really into it. Katie was next to him doing her best to look as enthusiastic. She was clapping along with the song, but was totally out of sync. Suri was standing by, looking a little bemused in a cute little party dress."
After the rally, Cruise and a group of his fellow Scientologists
assembled in the local town square where they burned hundreds of books that
didn't correspond with Scientology ideology. Oh wait, that was the
Nazis
in 1933. My bad. I always get those two groups confused.
Later, during a reception, Cruise was overheard chatting with another American man about the protesters outside the venue. "They're squirrels," Cruise said angrily, according to a witness. "Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!"
Boy if I had a nickel for every time I've been stuck in an electronic incident . . .
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Suri out and about in Boston (10/4)
Katie Holmes somehow convinced Tom Cruise to enroll their daughter Suri in a Catholic -- not a Scientologist -- pre-school. Clearly Katie has a set of incriminating photos of Tom giving a lap dance to a firefighter locked away in a safe somewhere. From the
Daily Mail:
. . . last week Katie enrolled the toddler at the Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning in Boston, Massachusetts. The family are living in the city while Tom, 47, films his new movie, the spy comedy thriller Wichita. Katie’s mother also flew in for her granddaughter’s first week at the pre-school.
"Katie has been listening to her parents who are devout Catholics," I’m told. "She is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic - as she was. They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly - but Tom came around to the idea in the end."
Holmes, 30, has not been seen at the Church of Scientology for more than five months.
It's good to see Katie putting her foot down about something as important as religion. At least now, instead of being brainwashed by a ridiculous cult that teaches about airplanes flying through outer space, aliens, and mind-control, Suri will be taught about something much more believable -- a guy who was conceived without sex, came back to life three days after being killed, and then nailed 72 virgins. Wait, I think I'm mixing my religions again . . .
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in Boston (9/24)
Katie, Katie, Katie, I don't know when you're gonna learn. If you want to finally escape from Tom, you need to distract him. Walk by a firehouse during a shift change when it's packed full of hunky fireman. And then, when Tom's head is turned, make a break for it. You should have about an hour head start.
He's totally checking out his ass Writer Grant Wahl devotes an entire chapter to the friendship between David Beckham and Tom Cruise in his upcoming book
The Beckham Experiment. Wahl claims Cruise has influenced "every major decision" Beckham has made since the two met in 2003 -- including the name of his third son, Cruz. Because why wouldn't you name your son after a guy you've known for an entire year? From the
New York Daily News:
"I must admit, when [Victoria and I] met Tom, I remember turning around to Victoria and saying, 'Cruise is a great name, but we could spell it different,'" Beckham told Wahl for the book, due from Crown Publishing on Tuesday. "And also, living in Spain, Cruz is spelled the way it is in Spanish. So that's why we got it."
It sounds like David's memory might be a little fuzzy on this matter. When he came up with the name Cruz for his son, David should have remembered "turning around" not to Victoria but to Tom and saying
"use more lube" "mind the stepchildren" "Cruise is a great name." It's nice to know how open-minded Victoria is with David's sentimentality towards his ex-lovers. My future wife would probably be furious if we ended up naming our kid
Adriana,
Alessandra, or Used Gym Sock.
Katie Holmes at the L.A. premiere of Star Trek held at Grauman's Chinese Theatre (4/30)
I don't know what Tom's crushing up in Katie's food, but based on how high she looked at the
Star Trek premiere last night, he could easily get $200/gram for that shit on the street.
Suri's starting school Suri Cruise must be the luckiest kid out there. When I was a kid, I would have killed to go to a school where we talked about aliens and spaceships all day. From the
Daily Mail:
Tom and Katie Cruise’s doll-like daughter Suri is to be trained in Scientology after her third birthday this week. The Cruises are sending their daughter five days a week to the Church of Scientology’s £6,000-a-year New Village Academy in Los Angeles, launched last year by Tom’s friend, fellow actor Will Smith. It is staffed by trained Scientologists and lists ‘study technology’ as a key curricular focus.
"The children have a lot of responsibilities from a very young age," says a source. "The school is particularly strict about nutrition, demanding a low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic diet. Katie is understandably a little anxious about being separated from Suri."
I hope for Suri's sake she's enjoying these last few precious moments of freedom. Because in just a matter of hours, she'll begin the brainwashing that'll leave her more lobotomized than Audrina Patridge and with less free will than the U.N. It'd be nice if Suri's diet actually did consist of "low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar" . . . but I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that human hearts contain loads of sodium and a ton of carbs.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes leaving Il Sole restaurant in Hollywood (2/28)
You know why people think Scientologists are a bunch of crazy, unstable wackos? Because Scientologists are a bunch of crazy, unstable wackos. From the
Daily Mail:
Katie Holmes may be coming to the end of her Purification Rundown diet, but it seems she isn’t stopping there with her commitment to Scientology. I can reveal that the 30-year-old actress resolves problems with her husband Tom Cruise by making weekly written confessions, as laid out in the Scientology code.
"Katie has to confess to something as minor as forgetting to tell him she has met with a friend," says a source. "If she commits a transgression against the moral code of their marriage, she has to tell Tom in writing, giving full details of the time and place and what happened." (Source)
From a pretty reliable source (Thanks Dale!), I've managed to get a hold of Katie's list of confessions from last week:
Monday: Spoke before being spoken to.
Tuesday: Made eye contact with someone other than my husband.
Wednesday: Forgot to eat my daily sacrificial pig's heart.
Thursday: Asked a question.
Friday: Let Suri out of her cage.
Saturday: Thought about the outside world.
Sunday: Wondered, not for the first time, why Tom was wrestling with the Pool Boy.
Penelope Cruz arriving to the Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica (2/21)
Fearing he'd get cooties or something, Tom Cruise totally blew off ex-girlfriend(!) Penelope Cruz at a pre-Oscars party on Friday night. A spy told the
New York Post:
"Penelope tapped him on the shoulder and timidly asked, 'Tom?' Tom turned around, got visibly flustered and awkwardly said, 'Oh, hey. Hi,' and gave her a small, distant hug before turning back around to his friends. It was weird."
Cruise's wife, Katie Holmes, "was not there. But he clearly hasn't run into Penelope very often since they split" five years ago, our insider said. (Source)
Considering how much of a pariah Tom Cruise has become these days in Hollywood, you think he wouldn't turn his back on a huge star like Penelope Cruz. At this point, his career is in such shambles, he shouldn't be giving the cold shoulder to the gaffer on the set of
Sesame Street. If Tom ever wants to get back into the good graces of Tinseltown, he has to do what Mickey Rourke did: disappear for a while . . . and light his face on fire.
Tom Cruise leaving his New York apartment (12/8)
In what surely must be a true story and not an attempt to generate buzz for his new film
Valkyrie, Tom Cruise is supposedly "living in fear" after receiving death threats. *rolls eyes* From the
Daily Mail:
Sources close to the star, a leading Scientologist, say the threats are believed to have come from groups opposed to the religious organisation. The Mail on Sunday can reveal that security has been stepped up around Cruise, 46, Holmes, 30, and their two-year-old daughter Suri. The couple now live at separate locations and move around in bomb-proof vehicles. Other protesters have been angered by Cruise's portrayal of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg - who was at the centre of the 1944 plot by Nazi officers to assassinate Adolf Hitler - in the film Valkyrie. Last week Cruise attended the Los Angeles premiere of the movie, which was targeted by protesters from the anti-Scientology group Anonymous. He has been forced to increase security around his family since then.
"The threats are perceived to be so great that the FBI has been alerted," said a source. "Tom is terrified. He doesn't feel safe anywhere."
Cruise has spent £5million on an underground bunker in the grounds of his estate in Colorado. In August, threats were made to place anthrax in the air vents of his Los Angeles office. (Source)
The transparency with which this column schemes to drum up attention for Tom's film is so shockingly brazen, it makes his sham religion look almost palatable by comparison. If Tom really wants to promote his film, he should just do what everyone else in Hollywood does to get press:
Get married Have a kid Act stupid on national T.V. . . . Nevermind. Apparently he's tried every publicity gimmick in the book except the one we'd all like him to.*
*See: Hoffa, Jimmy
