Archive: Tom Cruise

Suri Cruise and Katie Holmes in New York’s Central Park (8/17)

Suri Cruise has no friends. According to Star magazine, the two-year-old lives a “shockingly” lonely life, rarely interacting with children her own age. Why? Because her parents are paranoid freaks who don’t trust anybody. A source told the mag:

“It’s really sad. You can see how much Suri longs for someone to play with.”

Recently when Katie took Suri to NYC’s Chelsea Piers to play in its gym, the girl’s only playmate was her 29-year-old mom! “Suri takes a private class in a room in the back of the gym,” an employee says. “I have never seen her play with any of the other kids.”

On the rare occasions when she is around children her own age, Suri doesn’t know how to act. “She does not interact well with them at all,” reveals a source. “She doesn’t like to share because she doesn’t know how to — she never has anyone to share with!” (Source)

Seriously? Are we really worried about how “lonely” a two year old is? Nobody gives a crap about me when I spend the weekend home alone with a jar of Vaseline, my pants around my ankles, watching Golden Girls re-runs (I swear, that Blanche is such a sassy little troublemaker). The moment we all start caring about the feelings of a pampered little kid is the day our society finally collapses — which coincidentally is the same day we can finally get rid of that whole “age of consent” thing that’s always such a nuisance.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

You don’t even want to know where Tom’s left hand is . . .

In an attempt to spend more alone time with him shed his growing belly and love handles, Tom Cruise has enlisted BFF David Beckham to help him lose weight. A source told The Daily Mail:

“David has been round at Tom’s house a lot. While Katie and Victoria have been swapping fashion tips on the phone, David has been advising Tom on diet. Tom has a private gym at his home and David has been working out with him. He also gave him diet advice. Tom has been sticking to 1,200 calories a day, mostly grilled chicken and fish with lots of vegetables, salads and fruit. David put together a work-out regime that included the treadmill, weight training and fencing lessons together.” (Source)

“Fencing lessons”? I guess that’s what the kids are calling it these days. This story has to be fake since there’s no way Tom is limiting his calorie intake to only “1,200″ a day . . . semen alone is 1000 calories an ounce. The REAL reason Tom’s been able to lose the weight: he’s become bulimic . . . using David’s 11th “finger”

[BauerGriffinOnline, WENN]

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes leaving their New York apartment (8/24)

Sorry Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have the “Sexiest Couple Alive” title locked up this year.

[Splash News]

Tom Cruise has bombproof cars

You better think twice before attempting to kill Tom Cruise via coordinated roadside ambush — yes I’m talking to you Larry from accounting — his cars are bombproof. An “insider” told In Touch Weekly:

“It sounds like he’s taken a page out of one of his action movies. A-list celebrities know they can’t be too careful. Tom’s vehicles look perfectly normal, but in reality they are more like armored trucks. He really, really loves his cars and he can afford the best.”

All of Tom’s chauffeurs are professionally trained defensive drivers, says the insider, so they can get him out of traffic problems and protect him from possible trouble. Still, he often prefers to drive his wife, Katie, and his three children himself.

“Tom is a car nut,” the insider adds. “He has practical everyday cars, classic collectibles and high-powered sports cars like the Porsche 911 Turbo. Of course he loves every minute behind the wheel, but he’s not stupid and he’s not going to take any chances while he’s driving.”

This story has to be fake. If Tom Cruise’s cars really were bombproof, he would have bought one for Lions for Lambs. Besides, the best way to kill Tom Cruise is to get that nut to do it himself. Here are three suggestions how: 1. Take away all of the mirrors in his house. 2. Teach him about Darwinism. 3. Show him a picture of David Beckham with another man . . . e.g. Brooke Hogan.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Tom Cruise’s lawyer compares Dr. Drew to a Nazi

In an interview in next month’s Playboy, Celebrity Rehab host Dr. Drew Pinksy reveals that, shock, a lot of celebrities are fucked up in the head. Especially Tom Cruise:

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”

In a response to Page Six, Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields naturally compares Dr. Drew to a Nazi. I mean, obviously:

“This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.” (Source)

Joseph Goebbels was Hitler’s Minister of Propaganda and one of the most powerful men in Nazi Germany. His divisive rhetoric led to the death of six million Jews. Dr. Drew is the Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at USC’s Keck School of Medicine as well as the Director of the Department of Chemical Dependency Services at Las Encinas Hospital in Pasadena. A lot of people think he has a great smile. Fair comparison? Yes, I believe so.

[Getty]

Tom Cruise has a nice house

Tom Cruise’s 10,000+ square foot mansion in Beverly Hills. The actor purchased the home in April of last year for $30.5 million.

NOTE: “. . . is better than you” is a Friday feature showcasing multi-million dollar celebrity homes in the hopes of generating feelings of jealousy, hatred, and animosity towards said celebrity. When you get down to the entertainment-dollar-spending core of it, you helped buy that home. Sucker!

[Splash News]

Tom Cruise and daughter Suri at a park in L.A. (3/26)

Tom Cruise used his daughter Suri as a sort of “ice-breaker” during a recent meeting he had with Disney chairman Dick Cook. A source told the National Enquirer:

“People were very much taken aback. They saw it as a ploy by Tom to soften his image and show that, ‘Hey, I’m Disney material, a normal family man.’ Naturally, people were curious about her, so she kind of served as an ice-breaker.” (Source)

If Tom really wants to make himself more appealing to studio execs, he should do what scores of other Hollywood parents have already discovered is the secret to box office success: not just bring Suri to a meeting but actually sell her to Disney. That way, in 12 years, with accumulated interest, he’ll have just enough money to pay for her psychotherapy . . . and subsequent abortion.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Lindsay Lohan is unimpressed

Trust me Tom, once Suri hits puberty and even hints that she likes boys, just throw her down a well.

[Splash News]

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in New York (5/3)

For Victoria Beckham’s 34th birthday, Tom Cruise surprised her and husband David Beckham by flying the couple aboard his private jet to Napa Valley for a wine tasting vacation. The Daily Mirror says:

Tom offered [David] his private jet and recommended a trip to a friend’s vineyard in Napa Valley, California. But when the Beckhams got to LAX airport, it turned into a surprise party. Tom and wife Katie Holmes were waiting on board. And so were new LA pals Heidi Klum, Seal, Kate Beckinsale and Len Wiseman. The A-listers set a course for the Napa Valley for a tour of the vineyards then had dinner cooked by the private chef.

A friend of the Beckhams told me: “They were expecting a quiet trip for two, but Tom secretly laid on the trip for Victoria’s birthday last weekend and David’s on Friday. They waited in the jet with cake!” (Source)

Wine tasting my ass. This is Tom’s secret for recruiting celebrities into Scientology. He whisks them away to Napa, gets them drunk on fine wines, and then gently convinces them to sign their lives away. “Man, this merlot sucks . . . speaking of things that suck, what’s up with stupid Catholicism? Am I right or am I right!”

[Pacific Coast News]

Tom Cruise during his last appearance

Tom Cruise is returning to the Oprah Winfrey Show. Of course the actor made headlines back in 2005 when he jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch while pronouncing his love for Katie Holmes. Cruise’s rep told People magazine:

“Tom will be doing the Oprah show. He is really looking forward to it.”

The show, which will appear in two parts during May sweeps, will celebrate Cruise’s career since his breakout role 25 years ago in Risky Business. One part will be shot in-studio before a live audience. In the other, Cruise will show Winfrey around his Telluride mountain retreat and do a portion of the interview at the home. (Source)

How can Tom possibly follow up his couch-jumping performance? He can’t do a normal interview — he has a reputation to uphold. Viewers are gonna be expecting craziness. I’m thinking something along the lines of doing the entire interview in ancient tongue. Or Tom climbing the rafters and swinging around like a spider monkey, mocking Oprah while raining urine and feces down upon the studio audience. “You get feces! You get feces! You get feces! You get feces! EVERYONE GETS FECES!!!”