Tom Cruise

Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise, and Suri Cruise heading to dinner at Buddakan restaurant in New York (12/18)

Is it "wrong" and "inappropriate" to want to punch a 5-year-old little girl? If you think it is, you may reevaluate your position once you read this story about Suri Cruise's recent trip to the ice skating rink at Rockefeller Center:

[Tom] Cruise shelled out $5,000 to rent out the rink's "Igloo," a VIP-like area where paying customers can bypass the lines and warm up after taking a spin on the ice.

"Tom rented it for an entire session so no one else could use it," the source said.

The admission price for the hour-and-a-half session runs $75 a person. However the Cruise-Holmes clan isn’t your average customer. In fact, the source tells us Suri’s famous parents snubbed the venue’s refreshments and opted to cater their own family day with gourmet treats. TomKat had hot chocolate from Serendipity 3 and sweets from Jacques Torres brought in "especially for Suri," said the insider.

Awe, this must have been a Hallmark moment if ever there was one. In my humble opinion, it's a story straight out of Martha Stewart Living or Blueboy Magazine (depending on your point of view). What's sweeter than Tom Cruise and family big-timing it over the mouth-breathers trying to enjoy a holiday moment? Not inviting Connor or Isabella, for one. What? Who are they, you ask? Those are Tom and Nicole Kidman's rent-a-family. Now that Tom has a real kid and Nicole got some seed to stick, they don't need the accessories anymore. It's a shame when you think about it. I'm sure Connor and Isabella can use a little extra scratch this time of year -- Xenu knows (yeah, I went there) that Suri could use another bellhop or dressing assistant.

*19 Suri Cruise pictures total in the gallery:

Katie Holmes is probably pregnant

On Monday, I -- and the rest of the internet -- speculated that Katie Holmes might be pregnant based on these pics of her shopping for maternity clothes* (*probably) at Barneys New York on Friday. Not so fast, her rep Ina Treciokas told E!:

"She's not pregnant and this photo looks doctored."

Doctored? There were 35 pics in the original set I posted. Do you know how long it would take to doctor every single one of those? In terms Katie can understand, Lord Xenu could fly from the Galactic Confederacy to Earth and back again faster than it'd take to photoshop 35 pics. You'd have an easier time convincing me that a girl hooked up with Jonah Hill based on his looks than you would convincing me that that pic if photoshopped.



*15 Katie Holmes pregnant pictures total in the gallery:

Katie Holmes at Barneys New York in Beverly Hills (5/6)

Katie Holmes went shopping in Beverly Hills on Friday, and aw crap, is she pregnant again? She has that glazed-over, lifeless look in her eyes, so I'm leaning towards yes. You'll notice Tom Cruise isn't with her. I'm assuming he's at home, furiously scrubbing her vagina cooties off his body with a wire brush. "ew gross ew gross ew gross ew gross ew gross . . ."

And yes, I just used the term vagina cooties.

*35 Katie Holmes pregnant pictures total in the gallery:

Tom Cruise filming a scene for Mission: Impossible IV in Prague, Czech Republic (10/6)

With all the shit Tom Cruise gets over his crazy-ass Sci-Fi religion, I think sometimes people forget that he really is a dedicated and hard-working actor. Like today in Prague when he shot a pretty hairy scene for Mission: Impossible IV. He could have went the pussy route like most diva actors and used a stuntman for the scene -- but no, he did it himself just for the adrenaline rush. He reminds me a lot of myself. Last night I brushed my teeth in my master bathroom without wearing shoes. Did it matter that I saw a huge gross spider in there earlier in the day? Fuck no it didn't, motherfucker.

*26 Tom Cruise Mission: Impossible IV pictures total in the gallery:

Tom Cruise, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith leaving a Scientology meeting

Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith were seen leaving a meeting with Tom Cruise Monday afternoon at Saddle Ranch steak house in West Hollywood, once again fueling speculation that, much like Jim Carrey, he's crossed over to the Scientology dark side (see here, here, here, and here). Not that there's anything wrong with that. Plenty of people believe in what Scientology founder/science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard believed in (e.g. intergalactic spacecraft, extraterrestrial civilizations, and alien interventions). They're called 7-year-olds.

*15 photos total in the gallery:

Kim and Khloe Kardashian leaving Naimie's Beauty Center in Studio City (6/14)

C'mon Tom Cruise, quit with the bullshit small talk. We know you don't watch sports. From the National Enquirer:

Tom Cruise can't keep up with the Kardashians! When he bumped into Kim and a girlfriend at West Hollywood's Cecconi's on June 25, he told her: "Please congratulate your husband on the championship. I'm a huge Lakers fan!" Kim just smiled and thanked him, never pointing out that it's her sister Khloe who's married to Lakers star Lamar Odom. (Print Edition - 7/12)

How could Tom have possibly confused Kim and Khloe Kardashian? One of them has long dark hair, appears on an annoying reality show, and only dates black athletes -- and the other . . . um, maybe those weren't the best examples. However, one of them is nearly a foot taller than Tom, quite hairy, and yet is still more feminine than any woman he's ever gone out with. The other's name is Khloe.

*15 pictures total in the gallery:

"Check out the ass of the dude in the second row!"

What's that you say? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' marriage doesn't resemble that of Ward and June Cleaver? *peels self off of floor* -- From IUC:

A close friend of the couple told me the couple rarely spend time together. “It’s somewhat of an open marriage,” the source told IUC. “Like Tom’s ex Nicole Kidman I think Katie has grown tired of Tom’s obsession with Scientology.”

Of course their marriage is "open" -- Katie needs to be with a guy who doesn't require a booster chair every time they sit down at a restaurant, and Tom needs a woman who may or may not have been born a man -- aka Meg Whitman. Hopefully for Suri's sake, these two will one day settle their differences and find a way to be happy with each other. And on that day, Tom will buy platform shoes and Katie will fill her prescription for testosterone pills.

*20 pics total in the gallery:

Tom Cruise on the set of an ESPN commercial in L.A. (6/12)

My god, look at Tom. There's not an ounce of fat on him. If that's not a body built for catching muscular Asian teen runaways trying to escape out of the basement window you've been meaning to put a lock on so they can tell their tale of whores to the world, then I don't know what is. Not that Tom's into that sort of thing. It was just the first thought, you know, that popped into my head.

*21 pics total in the gallery:

Tom Cruise on his Ducati in Beverly Hills (1/11)

Remember the new motorcycle -- the Ducati DeathTrap 9000 -- that Tom Cruise paid $72,000 for earlier this year? Surprise surprise, he already crashed it. From the Hollywood Life:

Tom Cruise may have been involved in a motorcycle accident at around 3 p.m. EST on March 7 in Los Angeles. He was heading south near the intersection of La Cienega Blvd. and Sherwood when a car ran through a stop sign in front of him. According to two eyewitnesses who spoke to HollywoodLife.com, Tom leaned to the left and his red Ducati bike slid forward into a brown SUV, denting the SUV’s back tires. Five people helped Tom pick himself up and get the bike on its side. The bike’s gears were damaged on the left side. From there, Tom immediately ran to the sidewalk (two eyewitnesses say he was slightly limping.) Tom sat outside KOI Restaurant on La Cienega Blvd., where he made two phone calls and waited 30 minutes for paramedics to arrive, we were told by two separate witnesses to the accident.

Though he refused to be taken to a hospital, claiming he was fine, we’re told Tom spoke with police and the man driving the brown SUV that his motorcycle hit. When we approached the man involved in the accident, he would not give his name but said, “Tom asked me not to talk about this, but I’m fine.”

After the five young men -- with their strong grips, chiseled features, and asses you could bounce a quarter off of -- ran over to save Tom, Tom remarked to a nearby reporter: "Wow, I need to crash my bike more often!"

Katie Holmes leaving the Bowery Hotel in New York (2/11)

Break out the foil hats and ray guns -- Katie Holmes is using Scientology to help her prep for baby #2 . From the New York Post:

Katie Holmes has been undergoing intense Scientology "auditing" -- sparking rumors that she's "being prepared" for her second baby with high-priest husband Tom Cruise. After promoting the Kevin Kline movie "The Extra Man," and the dramedy "The Romantics," at Sundance, Holmes is back to spending hours at the Hollywood Scientology Center.

Last week, she spent more than four hours there. A source told Page Six, "This is exactly what happened just before she got pregnant with Suri. Tom has made no secret of the fact that he would like another baby. It is almost as if she is being prepared for it."

If Katie really is preparing for her next baby, that can only mean one thing: she and Tom are planning a romantic getaway she's purchased some sexy lingerie to turn Tom on she's trying out Tupperware's new line of turkey basters. Sadly, there's only way Katie will ever get Tom to conceive naturally, and the last time I checked, chicks can't grow goatees.