Tina Simpson

That's pretty gay, dude

Joe Simpson is famous for 1. Being the father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, and 2. Being the creepy father who always talks about Jessica Simpson's boobs. But suddenly it doesn't seem so creepy because a family insider told the National Enquirer that Joe is queerer than a three dollar bill. No wonder Jessica can hit that high note! Via Radar:

And not only has a family source told The National Enquirer that 54-year-old Joe came out of the closet, the source says the former youth pastor and Baptist minister has a 20-some­thing boy toy! The stunning confession was the  real reason wife Tina filed for divorce from Joe, her husband of 34 years, in late September, the Enquirer reports.

"Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet," an insider divulged. "He told them that he'd tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn't go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't fair to him."

You know, I've had my suspicions about Joe for quite some time. There's always been something about him that's just "off." I think the smoking gun for me was that time I ran into him at a club in Hollywood and he let me fuck him in the ass. I kid, I kid. It was in Santa Monica.

*5 Gay Joe Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson's parents are divorcing

The entire Simpson family officially sucks at marriage. Ashlee divorced Pete. Jessica divorced Nick. And now Tina and Joe are splitting up. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Jessica's parents -- Tina and Joe Simpson -- are said to be amicably finalizing their divorce. Intriguingly, Tina Simpson is said to be far richer than her estranged hubby. A number of years ago, she and Joe divided up their responsibilities of managing Jessica's career -- with Joe handling her showbiz projects and Tina overseeing the merchandising and endorsement possibilities. Given Jessica's singing and acting have been eclipsed by her endorsement and licensing deals -- which make hundreds of millions -- Tina has really raked in the big bucks.

Phew! This must be one hell of a release for Joe.The Simpsons are getting divorced, so Papa Joe can finally stop pretending to not be staring at Jessica's tits all the time. I Hope Tina doesn't think she's coming out the winner in this situation, because his hard-on clearly states that Joe's not in it for the money. Careers be damned, "She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!" It must have been horrible to explain why he can't maintain an erection unless he's motorboating his daughter. You know, I admit that last line was pretty dark, but in my defense I have it on good authority that Joe agrees with everything I wrote.

*10 Simpson Family pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson leaving her lawyer's office in Century City (5/25)

Damn, I hope Jessica Simpson gets me in the Christmas gift exchange this year. From Starpulse:

Jessica Simpson has splashed out on new cars for her parents. The generous pop star bought dad Joe a top-of-the-line Maybach, while mom Tina has been handed the keys to a Porsche 911. The total cost of the vehicles is reportedly $600,000.

As a former child star that's grown up in the entertainment industry, Jessica should know by now that giving her parents lavish gifts isn't going to make them any more affectionate towards her than they already are. The only thing that'll do that is love compassion another hit single.

*10 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson in Lake Tahoe last year

Remember when Jessica Simpson's dad Joe told GQ this in 2004:

"Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got DOUBLE Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!"

Not wanting to be left out on the daughter boob talk, Jessica's mom Tina twittered this to Ashlee on Tuesday:

@AshSimpsonWentz. Driving home in my GWagon with Jess...both are fast and top heavy!
7:48 PM Apr 14th from Yatca

What's wrong with this family? If it isn't Jessica's dad ogling her tits, it's her mom. Boasting about a girl's chest isn't something that's done by a responsible parent -- it's done by a boyfriend or neighbor with a telescopic lens. And since when has Jessica Simpson become "fast"?  If I remember correctly, she waited until she was married to put out. In my book, that isn't GWagon "fast," that's Geo Metro slow.