Tiger Woods

Lindsey Vonn publicly mocked Tiger Woods during his sex scandal

As you may have heard, Tiger Woods and really really good skier Lindsey Vonn announced on their respective Facebook pages on Monday that they are officially going steady (and even posed for pictures, one of which is a dead ringer for The 40-Year-Old Virgin poster, above). It wasn't really surprising since the two have been hooking up for months (Tiger even let Lindsay borrow his jet so she could fly home from Austria after she blew out her knee last month). What is surprising is that Lindsey would date Tiger after her comments about him in a 2010 interview in Time:

And like millions of Americans, Vonn can't help poking fun at Woods' staged event. When a member of her Vonn-tourage tells her that Woods gave a few friends hugs after ending his statement, she cracks, "They're like, 'Yeah, you're awesome, you go have that sex.' " The room breaks into a laugh. Then she describes a skit she would want to perform if asked to host Saturday Night Live: picture Vonn at Woods' podium, blue backdrop and all. "There's something you don't know about me," Vonn says in a faux solemn, apologetic voice. "Tiger, you're like my idol, and I too have a sex problem." More laughter. "That would be freaking funny." ...

When asked how she will deal with sports celebrity in the post-Woods world, in which the tabloids, websites and televisions cameras can threaten even a pristine reputation, Vonn seems nonplussed. "Well, I'm married" -- to her ski coach, Thomas Vonn, since 2007 -- "so I don't have that problem," she says. "But, um, I guess [Woods] is married too." Then she turns serious. "I mean, I guess if you have secrets, you have an issue. I've kind of been open about everything."

Uh huh. For as funny as Lindsey thinks she is, she's now getting a lesson taught to every Cracker Barrel waitress in the northern Florida area: getting Tiger Wood's 9-iron angrily driven into your sand trap is no laughing matter. Does Lindsey share her sense of humor with Mr. Woods? Maybe, maybe not. I bet the only thing coming out her her mouth when Tiger's in the room is "Hrumff . . . hrumff . . . no, not there, Tiger . . . hrumff . . ."

*6 Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn pictures total in the gallery:

Tiger wants back with Elin

I don't know where in the hell this came from, but Tiger Woods wants to get back with his ex-wife Elin Nordegren, and he's ready to sign a pre-nup that would give her $300+ million if he cheated. Wait, what? Is her vagina made of candy or something? From The Sun:

A source told [The National Enquirer]: "Tiger didn't even balk at the demand. Even though his accountants think he's crazy, he's ready to sign the pre-nup and set a wedding date. The guy has never recovered from being dumped by Elin. He's dated a lot of models and bimbos but none of them were more than a one-night stand."

But the Enquirer claims Woods got down on one knee to pop the question at Christmas and even presented Elin with a ring.

It also reported the couple are being intimate again, with a source claiming: "Tiger stopped by Elin's rental house one afternoon when their kids were out with a nanny and they had sex for the first time since the split. It took them both by surprise but they've continued to find alone time when they're both at their homes in Florida."

This is definitely risky for Elin. On the one hand, it's nice to have a $300 million insurance policy against your husband cheating. On the other, after the whole cheating scandal, now everyone knows that Tiger Woods is a sexual freak, so, you know, she better prepare herself to get done up the butt.

*10 Elin Nordegren pictures total in the gallery:

Elin Nordegren at Walt Disney World in Orlando (6/14)

The good news: Tiger Woods' ex-wife Elin Nordegren is dating again. The bad news: She's dating a dude who only has one degree of separation to Tiger's penis. Whoopsy! Via TMZ:

We told you yesterday ... Tiger Woods ex-wife is dating marketing exec Jamie Dingman, whose dad is a billionaire tycoon. But before Elin, sources tell TMZ Jamie and Rachel were an item -- and there was a little bit of an overlap with Jamie and Tiger, but Jamie bowed out to the golfer.

In fact, when Rachael got serious with Tiger, Jamie joked with her, "That ok. I'll date his wife, Elin."

And get this ... at the time the Tiger Woods scandal broke, Jamie was living with Rachel in a Miami home.

Of course Elin is dating someone who used to date one of Tiger's whores. Hell, my mom is dating someone who used to date one of Tiger's whores. There's, like, six people on earth who don't have a connection in some way to a chick Tiger Woods banged, and they've all been on a spiritual journey in Tibet for the past ten years. "Tiger Woods, that golfer from Stanford? Whatever happened with that kid?"

*6 Elin Nordegren pictures total in the gallery:

Tiger Woods' yacht 'Privacy'

In the market for a new boat? Tiger Woods is selling the yacht he bought his wife Elin for a wedding present back in 2004. And yes, the semen stains are included for no additional charge. From the Palm Beach Post:

“[Elin] didn’t want it because the upkeep is incredibly expensive,” the source said.

With a permanent crew of 13, Privacy costs more than $2 million a year to maintain.

Privacy is now back at its home-port in North Palm Beach’s Old Port Cove, and Woods is shopping for a broker to list it for $25 million. While Woods bought the ship for $20 million, he believes it appreciated in value because it’s been well taken care of.

I can totally relate to Elin when it comes to turning down something worth millions of dollars. As it turns out, just last week I refused a once in a lifetime offer of $15 million that was emailed to me from a high powered barrister in Nigeria. Why? Because I wasn't born yesterday didn't have the $300 he asked for to have the money sent to me. Oh well, I guess that's how the rich get richer and us dumb folk stay poor.

*10 Tiger Woods yacht pictures total in the gallery:

Alyse Lahti's DUI mugshot

Tiger Woods is back, baby! News broke over the weekend that he's dating 22-year-old Alyse Lahti, who may or may not be an actual goblin. Alyse graduated from Ohio State a few years ago and is now a graduate student at Northwood University in West Palm Beach, which honestly sounds fake. Let's tear this bitch's life apart! The Orlando Sentinel says:

Details about an Orlando DUI arrest from last year are now getting a lot of attention because the once low-profile suspect — Isleworth resident Alyse Lahti — was linked romantically to Tiger Woods this weekend.

Lahti's vehicle rear-ended a truck on Interstate 4 last year, causing it to roll. During a roadside test an officer asked Lahti to rate her sobriety on a scale of zero to 10, with zero being sober and 10 being impaired. Her response: "(Expletive) 10."

The officer determined Lahti was drunk and took her to the Orange County Jail. While driving there, Lahti reportedly told the officer "Can you tell [the] girl in the other car that I will pay for a new car for her and that I am sorry."

The reports also states Lahti told the officer: "I don't give a [expletive], let's go. I need to be held responsible for what I did. I'm so humiliated. I want to die."

Wait a minute, I thought Tiger was usually the one who did the rear-ending? Hiyoooo! And you thought Tiger Woods double entendres died in 2010! Never!

*7 Alyse Lahti pictures total in the gallery:

Tiger Woods at the Australian Masters Gala Dinner in Melbourne (11/9)

+ Fergie actually cleans up pretty well [Hollywood Tuna]

+ This chick really is beautiful [The Superficial]
+ Stays away from the drama, but not the makeup [Celebuzz]
+ Sophie Reade flashes her panties (semi-NSFW) [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Kate Bosworth has a very sexy profile [Popoholic]

+ Rachel Weisz is single, naked [IDLYITW]
+ Ashley Greene finally smiles [OK! Magazine]
+ Boobies! (NSFW) [College Humor]
+ Raven Symone denies naked photos, lesbian girlfriend [Socialite Life]

+ A Taylor Swift and Kanye porno? Cool. [Dlisted]
+ Sassy boobs [Double Viking]
+ Um, I don't even know what to say about this [Busted Coverage]
+ The 2011 Reef Calendar is something you need to see [Attuworld]

*15 Tiger Woods pictures total in the gallery:

Devon James at the "Exxxotica Expo 2010" in Chicago (7/17)

I've got some bad news for those of you really wanting to see Tiger Woods have sexual relations with a soulless skank. First off, you're a sick freak. Seriously, why would you want to see that? Secondly, there's no sex tape. There never was. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Given that many of porn star Devon James' tales about her trysts with Tiger Woods have revealed gross exaggerations, it's probably no surprise her much-touted "sex tape" of the tarnished golf star has turned out to be a bust.

In bankruptcy documents filed in Florida by James and her husband, it's disclosed that there is no Woods video. However, since James and her husband, Nick, are still collecting payments for that faux sex tape on their website, the Florida authorities have opened a fraud investigation.

Wait just a second here. Is the Sun Times suggesting that a woman that films her sexual exploits for money, sleeps with married men, and doesn't repay her financial obligations may be trying to defraud horny men? The hell you say! If a morally-bankrupt prostitute with no class and even less self-respect can be so easily judged in the court of public opinion, I ask you: What hope is there for the rest of us?

*5 Devon James pictures total in the gallery:

Katherine Jenkins performing at Ryder Cup Opening Ceremony at Celtic Manor in Newport, Wales (9/30)

Wow, Tiger can't stop staring at the back of Katherine's dress. It must be wrinkled or something. He should tell her.

Rachel Uchitel is not posing for Playboy

We were totally going to see Whore #1 Rachel Uchitel's boobs in Playboy, but then Tiger Woods had to be all uptight and put a turd in the punchbowl. Thanks a lot Tiger. From Radar:

Tiger Woods thwarted his ex-mistress Rachel Uchitel's $300,000 payday to appear nude in a men's magazine by threatening to overturn her multi-million dollar settlement with him.

"It put Rachel in significant danger of losing the millions of dollars Tiger paid her," a source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com. "The magazine wanted to mention Rachel's relationship with Tiger, but it would have jeopardized the deal she already made with him. They refused to give her complete control of the cover so she could make sure Tiger wasn't mentioned."

Those conditions jeopardized Uchitel's deal with Tiger, and she quickly realized there was no way to pose for Playboy without taking an enormous financial risk. Had Uchitel gone forward with the men's magazine shoot she was to appear "totally naked except her pubic area," the source told RadarOnline.com.

Rachel was going to be "totally naked except her pubic area"? I thought that was called "topless"? For a measly $300K, why would Rachel even consider mentioning her relationship with Tiger? She already took $10 million in hush money from the poor horny bastard. I guess this story just goes to show you that no matter how much you give a woman, she'll never do the one thing you wanted her to do in the first place: shut up.

*15 Rachel Uchitel pictures total in the gallery:

Tiger Woods praying to Vagis, God of the Whores

There was a report earlier this week that Tiger Woods bought a new bachelor pad in the Printing House building in Manhattan and was introducing himself to neighbors. Nope, chalk up the rumors to good ol' fashioned racism (i.e. all black people look alike). From Life & Style:

...several well-connected media and gossip sources who live in the building confirm to Life & Style that it's not Tiger Woods who has been going around introducing himself.

"There's an African-American man who's seen frequently in the building and dresses like Tiger," one of the sources tells Life & Style. "He drives a BMW and is an avid golfer -- he's often seen carrying his golf clubs around. But Tiger definitely doesn't live here.”

Thank god this story isn't true because Tiger let loose in New York is just a bad idea. That's like locking a kid in a candy store or Kirstie Alley in a Hometown Buffet. He'll have more gold-digging whores at his house than were on Monday night's Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show. Tiger needs to start surrounding himself with the type of women that don't care about their physical appearance -- like those that live in Wisconsin or married Dean McDermott.

*5 Tiger Woods pictures total in the gallery: