Tiger Woods

Elin Nordegren at Walt Disney World in Orlando (6/14)

The good news: Tiger Woods' ex-wife Elin Nordegren is dating again. The bad news: She's dating a dude who only has one degree of separation to Tiger's penis. Whoopsy! Via TMZ:

We told you yesterday ... Tiger Woods ex-wife is dating marketing exec Jamie Dingman, whose dad is a billionaire tycoon. But before Elin, sources tell TMZ Jamie and Rachel were an item -- and there was a little bit of an overlap with Jamie and Tiger, but Jamie bowed out to the golfer.

In fact, when Rachael got serious with Tiger, Jamie joked with her, "That ok. I'll date his wife, Elin."

And get this ... at the time the Tiger Woods scandal broke, Jamie was living with Rachel in a Miami home.

Of course Elin is dating someone who used to date one of Tiger's whores. Hell, my mom is dating someone who used to date one of Tiger's whores. There's, like, six people on earth who don't have a connection in some way to a chick Tiger Woods banged, and they've all been on a spiritual journey in Tibet for the past ten years. "Tiger Woods, that golfer from Stanford? Whatever happened with that kid?"

*6 Elin Nordegren pictures total in the gallery:

Tiger Woods' yacht 'Privacy'

In the market for a new boat? Tiger Woods is selling the yacht he bought his wife Elin for a wedding present back in 2004. And yes, the semen stains are included for no additional charge. From the Palm Beach Post:

“[Elin] didn’t want it because the upkeep is incredibly expensive,” the source said.

With a permanent crew of 13, Privacy costs more than $2 million a year to maintain.

Privacy is now back at its home-port in North Palm Beach’s Old Port Cove, and Woods is shopping for a broker to list it for $25 million. While Woods bought the ship for $20 million, he believes it appreciated in value because it’s been well taken care of.

I can totally relate to Elin when it comes to turning down something worth millions of dollars. As it turns out, just last week I refused a once in a lifetime offer of $15 million that was emailed to me from a high powered barrister in Nigeria. Why? Because I wasn't born yesterday didn't have the $300 he asked for to have the money sent to me. Oh well, I guess that's how the rich get richer and us dumb folk stay poor.

*10 Tiger Woods yacht pictures total in the gallery:

Alyse Lahti's DUI mugshot

Tiger Woods is back, baby! News broke over the weekend that he's dating 22-year-old Alyse Lahti, who may or may not be an actual goblin. Alyse graduated from Ohio State a few years ago and is now a graduate student at Northwood University in West Palm Beach, which honestly sounds fake. Let's tear this bitch's life apart! The Orlando Sentinel says:

Details about an Orlando DUI arrest from last year are now getting a lot of attention because the once low-profile suspect — Isleworth resident Alyse Lahti — was linked romantically to Tiger Woods this weekend.

Lahti's vehicle rear-ended a truck on Interstate 4 last year, causing it to roll. During a roadside test an officer asked Lahti to rate her sobriety on a scale of zero to 10, with zero being sober and 10 being impaired. Her response: "(Expletive) 10."

The officer determined Lahti was drunk and took her to the Orange County Jail. While driving there, Lahti reportedly told the officer "Can you tell [the] girl in the other car that I will pay for a new car for her and that I am sorry."

The reports also states Lahti told the officer: "I don't give a [expletive], let's go. I need to be held responsible for what I did. I'm so humiliated. I want to die."

Wait a minute, I thought Tiger was usually the one who did the rear-ending? Hiyoooo! And you thought Tiger Woods double entendres died in 2010! Never!

*7 Alyse Lahti pictures total in the gallery:

Tiger Woods at the Australian Masters Gala Dinner in Melbourne (11/9)

+ Fergie actually cleans up pretty well [Hollywood Tuna]

+ This chick really is beautiful [The Superficial]
+ Stays away from the drama, but not the makeup [Celebuzz]
+ Sophie Reade flashes her panties (semi-NSFW) [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Kate Bosworth has a very sexy profile [Popoholic]

+ Rachel Weisz is single, naked [IDLYITW]
+ Ashley Greene finally smiles [OK! Magazine]
+ Boobies! (NSFW) [College Humor]
+ Raven Symone denies naked photos, lesbian girlfriend [Socialite Life]

+ A Taylor Swift and Kanye porno? Cool. [Dlisted]
+ Sassy boobs [Double Viking]
+ Um, I don't even know what to say about this [Busted Coverage]
+ The 2011 Reef Calendar is something you need to see [Attuworld]

*15 Tiger Woods pictures total in the gallery:

Devon James at the "Exxxotica Expo 2010" in Chicago (7/17)

I've got some bad news for those of you really wanting to see Tiger Woods have sexual relations with a soulless skank. First off, you're a sick freak. Seriously, why would you want to see that? Secondly, there's no sex tape. There never was. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Given that many of porn star Devon James' tales about her trysts with Tiger Woods have revealed gross exaggerations, it's probably no surprise her much-touted "sex tape" of the tarnished golf star has turned out to be a bust.

In bankruptcy documents filed in Florida by James and her husband, it's disclosed that there is no Woods video. However, since James and her husband, Nick, are still collecting payments for that faux sex tape on their website, the Florida authorities have opened a fraud investigation.

Wait just a second here. Is the Sun Times suggesting that a woman that films her sexual exploits for money, sleeps with married men, and doesn't repay her financial obligations may be trying to defraud horny men? The hell you say! If a morally-bankrupt prostitute with no class and even less self-respect can be so easily judged in the court of public opinion, I ask you: What hope is there for the rest of us?

*5 Devon James pictures total in the gallery:

Katherine Jenkins performing at Ryder Cup Opening Ceremony at Celtic Manor in Newport, Wales (9/30)

Wow, Tiger can't stop staring at the back of Katherine's dress. It must be wrinkled or something. He should tell her.

Rachel Uchitel is not posing for Playboy

We were totally going to see Whore #1 Rachel Uchitel's boobs in Playboy, but then Tiger Woods had to be all uptight and put a turd in the punchbowl. Thanks a lot Tiger. From Radar:

Tiger Woods thwarted his ex-mistress Rachel Uchitel's $300,000 payday to appear nude in a men's magazine by threatening to overturn her multi-million dollar settlement with him.

"It put Rachel in significant danger of losing the millions of dollars Tiger paid her," a source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com. "The magazine wanted to mention Rachel's relationship with Tiger, but it would have jeopardized the deal she already made with him. They refused to give her complete control of the cover so she could make sure Tiger wasn't mentioned."

Those conditions jeopardized Uchitel's deal with Tiger, and she quickly realized there was no way to pose for Playboy without taking an enormous financial risk. Had Uchitel gone forward with the men's magazine shoot she was to appear "totally naked except her pubic area," the source told RadarOnline.com.

Rachel was going to be "totally naked except her pubic area"? I thought that was called "topless"? For a measly $300K, why would Rachel even consider mentioning her relationship with Tiger? She already took $10 million in hush money from the poor horny bastard. I guess this story just goes to show you that no matter how much you give a woman, she'll never do the one thing you wanted her to do in the first place: shut up.

*15 Rachel Uchitel pictures total in the gallery:

Tiger Woods praying to Vagis, God of the Whores

There was a report earlier this week that Tiger Woods bought a new bachelor pad in the Printing House building in Manhattan and was introducing himself to neighbors. Nope, chalk up the rumors to good ol' fashioned racism (i.e. all black people look alike). From Life & Style:

...several well-connected media and gossip sources who live in the building confirm to Life & Style that it's not Tiger Woods who has been going around introducing himself.

"There's an African-American man who's seen frequently in the building and dresses like Tiger," one of the sources tells Life & Style. "He drives a BMW and is an avid golfer -- he's often seen carrying his golf clubs around. But Tiger definitely doesn't live here.”

Thank god this story isn't true because Tiger let loose in New York is just a bad idea. That's like locking a kid in a candy store or Kirstie Alley in a Hometown Buffet. He'll have more gold-digging whores at his house than were on Monday night's Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show. Tiger needs to start surrounding himself with the type of women that don't care about their physical appearance -- like those that live in Wisconsin or married Dean McDermott.

*5 Tiger Woods pictures total in the gallery:

Tiger Woods divorces Elin Nordegren

Tiger Woods' divorce to Elin Nordegren became official today. Oh really? I didn't even know they were having problems. From ESPN:

The lawyers for Woods and Elin Nordegren said in a statement that the divorce became official Monday in Bay County Circuit Court. Terms of the divorce were not disclosed, except that they will share parenting of their two children, ages 3 and 1.

"We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future," the two said in a statement released by McGuireWoods, the law firm representing Nordegren. "While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us."

Tiger marrying Elin might go down as one of the biggest blunders of all time. Think about it -- he could have been a richer version of Derek Jeter, fighting off blowjobs the way Jon Gosselin fights off bill collectors. But no, he just had to go and get married. Tiger could have covered his forehead in a giant swastika tattoo and it still wouldn't have been a worse decision than that.

*10 photos total in the gallery:

Tiger Woods' wife Elin wants their new house

You cheat on your wife with only 27 different whores and suddenly she turns into this, like, mega bitch determined to bleed you dry. I mean, geesh, Elin needs to lighten up! From the Chicago Sun Times:

As part of the divorce negotiations between Tiger and Elin Woods, the $80 million oceanfront estate the golf star has been building on Florida's Jupiter Island apparently will be turned over to Elin. A source who has been inside the nearly finished house tells me the contractor is making last-minute changes to "feminize" the mansion, now that Tiger will only be an occasional visitor -- when he visits his kids.

"But as an avid athlete herself, Elin is making no changes to the amazing gym and oxygen therapy room Tiger demanded be built," said the source.

For those of you wondering how to "feminize" an $80 million mansion, it's actually pretty simple: you make the kitchen the size of a football field. Sorry, that was just wrong. In all seriousness though, you buy a washer and dryer that runs on nagging. I keed, I keed. What you actually do is soundproof the windows . . . so the neighbors don't complain about your late-night vacuuming. Get it? Get it? It's funny because women like to clean! Hello? *tap tap tap* Is thing on?

*26 pics total in the gallery: