The Situation

Ryan Lochte at Day 1 of the 2012 iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas (9/21)

When two dumb guys run into each other in the forest (and by forest, I mean a club) and no one else is around, does either form a coherent sentence? That is the philosophical question, my friends. From the New York Post:

It was the ultimate meeting of minds and hard abs this weekend in Miami: Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and "Jersey Shore" star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino partied together at LIV at the Fontainebleau on Saturday. Spies told us the pair were introduced by mutual friends and spent the entire night together laughing. At 5 a.m., Lochte and Sorrentino -- who this year finished a stint in rehab and drank bottled water all night, according to sources -- left the club through the back door with a gaggle of women.

"Sorrentino...drank bottled water all night..." Now I wasn't there, but if I find out that the "bottle" was sticking out of Lochte's open zipper, I wouldn't be surprised. I'm not implying that either one of these two are gay, but I am saying that Mike and Ryan are attention whores and that would at least make this an interesting story. I can imagine what a conversation between these two geniuses must have been like:

Lochte: "What spray tan looks good with a Olympic silver medal?"

The Situation: "What does 'Olympic' mean?"

*10 Ryan Lochte pictures total in the gallery:

The Situation celebrating his 40th birthday at Senor Frog's at Treasure Island in Las Vegas (7/14)

Talking to In Touch Weekly about his recent stint in rehab, The Situation revealed that he once turned down a $40k appearance fee in Australia because he was too high to get out of bed. Oh man. What a huge, cultural loss for Australia that must have been.

After two years of on-and-off drug use, the man better known as The Situation still believed that he could handle his situation without help. "I really thought I could fix it, that I could turn it around by myself."

He even admits he suffered from withdrawal symptoms so severe he turned down a $40,000 appearance in Australia simply because he couldn't get out of bed. "I didn't even care!" he tells In Touch. "When you're dependent on a substance, it's the only thing that matters."

The incident was enough to convince him of what his family had been saying for a while: He needed to go to rehab. "On the plane home, they said, 'Mike, you've got to handle this now,' he says. "I knew that they were right, that if I didn't fix the problem there'd be no Situation."

Poor guy, it must be tough when idiot enablers offer tens of thousands of dollars so "The Doucheuation" can party his ass off. And how completely disrespectful are the hundreds of dimwitted women who throw their vaginas at him? Has anyone been thoughtful enough to offer Mike a big, veiny prick for his enjoyment? Maybe that's why he turned to drugs. He's the guest of honor at the birthday party of life, but he's worried what people will think about him if he takes a swing at the big pinata full of cocks. Don't worry, Mike. We'll always think you're a douchebag.

*20 The Situation pictures total in the gallery:

Bethenny Frankel out and about in New York (5/1)

It really doesn't get any worse than two reality stars hooking up with each other, so you can imagine my disgust after reading this story about Bethenny Frankel making out with The Situation. Pardon me, I need to go take a shower with a wire brush. From the National Enquirer:

The embarrassing story began to unfold in October, when a website printed a "blind-item" that read: "Strangest hookup ever...This controversial female married A-list reality star spend a good five minutes making out with this second fiddle reality star who thinks he is way better than he is." On April 21, the site revealed that the subjects of the item were Bethenny and 29-year-old Sorrentino!

"Bethenny has vehemently denied it, calling the rumor 'a lot of B.S.,'" a source at the Bravo network said. But her husband of two years, Jason Hoppy, isn't so sure. "He's been suspicious for some time because of all the problems they've had. Bethenny's marriage to Jason has already been hanging by a thread, and this could finally sink it."

Bethenny is also worried how the rumor could affect her new talk show, which will begin a test run on FOX stations in June. "Getting mixed up with someone like Mike Sorrentino, who has just been through rehab, is the last thing Bethenny needs right now," added the source. "The timing couldn't be worse." (Print Edition - 5/12)

Is this an episode of The Twilight Zone? I think I might have fallen through a wormhole into an alternate universe, because I'm just finding out that there's such a thing as a "reality A-list." I'll admit that there's an interview hierarchy when it comes to fame whores, but calling them "A-list" cheapens the term for people like me. Who's Bethenny Frankel? She's Octomom with jowls and a tighter pussy. Bethenny should consider herself lucky that The Situation is into pig slopping.

That being said, I have a wee problem with some of the other points made in this piece, like calling Jersey Shore second fiddle. Jersey Shore is the biggest reality show of them all. MTV is fist-pumping spin-off after spin-off of that ratings monster. Bethenny Frankel made her bones being the most self-serving attention whore from the entire Real Housewives franchise (aka Real World, But with Parents), and that's saying something. Even Paris Hilton blushes when she watched that show . . . actually, that might just be a flare-up.

*15 Bethenny Frankel pictures total in the gallery:

The Situation at Newark Liberty International Airport (4/4)

The Situation is officially out of rehab. After spending a few weeks at the Cirque Lodge in Utah to deal with substance abuse issues, he was spotted at the airport in Newark, New Jersey yesterday. The guy above tweeted a pic of him last night. It was actually the first time any castmember of Jersey Shore and a black person have been in the same place at the same time.

*5 The Situation pictures total in the gallery:

The Situation might be in rehab

Late yesterday a rumor swept the internets faster than a drug-resistant strain of herpes through Seaside, New Jersey that The Situation of Jersey Shore fame was in rehab. Keeping in mind that reps lie 110 out of every 100 times, his rep told E!:

"He has spent the past several weeks at an undisclosed location for much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule."

Of course he didn't go to rehab. Going to rehab actually requires some form of self-awareness and a realization that your actions are hurting yourself and those around you. The only rehab this douchebag's going to is the Sunday pool party at The Hard Rock. This whole rumor reeks worse than JWoww's panties of a deflection story. He probably went somewhere really embarrassing for the "past several weeks" and just didn't want anyone to find out, like community college or Florida.

*5 The Situation pictures total in the gallery:

The Situation in all his greasy glory

The headline obviously goes without saying (he is on Jersey Shore, after all), but still -- The Situation is an idiot of astonishing proportions. From In Touch Weekly:

"He has nothing left," a former pal says. So what went wrong for the reality star, who sources say earned nearly $100,000 per episode last season, plus millions in endorsements?

"He won't stop spending money," an insider explains. In addition to his fleet of high-end cars and designer jewelry, Mike hired an entourage to follow him 24/7. "He's so cocky; he thinks he can spend like an A-lister."

But the 29-year-old’s popularity is plummeting — and the Jersey Shore well is drying up fast. "No one is paying him for appearances anymore," the former pal says. And unlike co-stars Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio and Snooki, Mike's spin-off show isn't taking off. As the former pal sums up, "Forget his Ferrari, he'll be back in a crappy car before he knows it!"

Damn, The Situation lost $10 million? I want to feel bad for this guy, but I don't. Not because he's a bad guy, but let's be honest: he's a cartoon character. He exists in our reality only because someone decided to put him there, much like an episode of Pokemon. Sure, we all enjoy Pokemon every now and then, but no one would be better or worse off if it had never been drawn on paper, much like The Situation. Maybe this is karma finally catching up to the Jersey Shore cast and sending them back home to whatever nail saloon or Best Buy customer service desk they were discovered in. Fist pump!

*20 The Situation pictures total in the gallery:

Ronnie beat up The Situation

Since I know you guys are just dying for some Jersey Shore gossip, here's some: Ronnie beat up The Situation last night. That's Ronnie and his cut-up fists out for lunch alone in Florence today (Situation was probably off buying the Italian equivalent of roofies). No word on why the two were fighting, but I bet it has something to do with The Situation's contention that Jon Steuart Curry made more of an impact on the Regionalism movement of the '30s than Grant Wood. Boy the nerve of that jerk!

*11 Ronnie Ortiz-Magro pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Monday, May 23

The Situation filming Jersey Shore in Florence, Italy (pics start here)

Selena Gomez filming a music video in Malibu (pics start here)

Jamie Chung at the Las Vegas premiere of The Hangover 2 at Planet Hollywood Resort (pics start here)

Jessica Simpson leaving Balthazar restaurant in New York (pics start here)

Emmanuelle Chriqui at The Olevolos Project Fundraiser Brunch at La Cirque in New York (pics start here)

Harrison Ford out and about in Venice (pics start here)

Annette Bening arriving for a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Katherine Heigl in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Eva Herzigova arriving at Heathrow Airport from Nice (pics start here)

Paris Hilton attending Okku restaurant's 2nd birthday celebration in Dubai, UAE (pics start here)

Kristen Cavallari shopping in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Vanessa Minnillo hosting Evoque Live at the Winter Garden in New York (pics start here)

Eva Mendes at the 13th Annual Young Hollywood Awards at Club Nokia in L.A. (pics start here)

*123 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino hosting "Off The Shore Spring Break Weekend" at Chateau nightclub in Las Vegas (3/11)

Wait a minute, when did The Situation turn into the male version of J.Lo? From Life & Style:

Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino has more than just GTL on his list of daily demands. Life & Style’s Scene Queens have exclusively obtained the bronzed beach bum’s rider while on tour to promote Devotion vodka, and it would certainly put any A-lister to shame.

“No one can speak to or make eye contact with him directly,” an insider tells the Scene Queens of the rider. “And ‘the Situation’ must always be marked as trademarked.” The Situation also requires that he be greeted at the airport, hotel and venue, and be accompanied by security at all times. Plus, no Jersey Shore rider would be complete without booze and babes. For his recent appearance at 4sixty6 club in New Jersey, the Sitch required six bottles of Devotion vodka, 24 cans of Red Bull, two bottles of high-end champagne and first-class security to keep out “grenades.”

For the good of humanity, the only demand this dude should be making is that the chicks he interacts with have more STDs than he does. Of course that would only leave him with girls from Sub-Saharan Africa and Atlantic City. The bottom line is that if The Situation really wants to be treated like a celebrity, he's going to have to transform himself into an entertainer that's way more talented and way less annoying. Someone like Carrot Top.

*26 The Situation pictures total in the gallery:

The Situation leaving Las Palmas nightclub in Hollywood (11/18)

The Situation is having lady problems because he's too rich and famous, according to this story from the Globe that was definitely planted by his publicist or grandmother:

I hear former Dancing with the Stars competitor Mike Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame has an unfortunate “Situation” on his hands- he can’t seem to meet the right girl! But he’s hoping Leonardo Dicaprio can help with that. The 29-year-old reality hunk-known for his six-pack abs-complains that whenever he’s attracted to someone, the first thing that comes to mind is, “What are her motives? Are her motives spotlight? Money? I’m finding it very hard to weed out the good from the bad.” The Sitch, as he’s often referred to, is now asking his celebrity friends like Leo for advice and prays his luck will soon change (Print Edition - 12/13)

When you're a famous (for no reason) guy in your 20s, what does it matter what a chick's real intentions are? I mean seriously, if her intentions are anything other than rubbing her genitals against yours, get rid of her. The real question about this story is "How the hell did The Situation become friends with Leonardo DiCaprio"? Those two seem about as polar opposite as the words "Lindsay Lohan" and "gainful employment."

*10 The Situation pictures total in the gallery: