Thanksgiving

Celebslam Presents: 10 Formerly Fit Celebrities Who Might As Well Pig Out This Thanksgiving



I'm off to go stand in line at Wal-Mart for a cheap [insert item here] (because I have no concept of reality and will waste 12 hours of my life to save $10, which means I value it at roughly $1.20/hour), so here's a nice little Thanksgiving gallery to keep you busy until I get back. Cheers.

NOTE: Each picture in this gallery has commentary below it, so make sure you click through.

*15 pictures total in the gallery:

  • Alec Baldwin\: Alec has the honor of ending his career as a leading man in film at the drive-thru line at McDonalds. He was legitimately knocking on the A-list door\, but then the pop-up timer on his roast pig went off and he priorities changed dramatically. It seems that overnight Alec went from starring in The Hunt for Red October to buying suits from the plus-sized rack at the Men's Warehouse. Don't worry about it\, Alec\, ignore what everyone is gleefully snickering about you and enjoy your holiday.
  • Christina Aguilera\: Hey\, remember when Xtina gave everyone rage-boners\? Good God\, how I miss those days. Her complete lack of self control has become so obvious that Christina now claims she loves her sloppy\, fat body. Really\, she said that...but If that were true\, then what's up with all the Photoshop in every single copy of her still pics\? You're fat. You know it\, we know it\, and you know we know you know it. Christina\, don't worry about portions this holiday season\, just remember to come up for air every once in a while.
  • Steven Seagal\: Can anyone believe that this fat fuck was an action star twenty years ago\? Yeah\, it boggles my mind\, too. Even when Steven was skinny\, he was fat. The man was a "karate guy" who couldn't lift his leg to deliver kicks. I dare to say that Steve gave up trying to stay under 300 pounds after Under Siege 2. If you go back and watch his movies\, I'd like to recommend keeping any eye out for two things. First\, you'll notice that Steven gained at least 20 pounds for each movie around his mid section. Second\, you'll notice that you have no friends since only an emotionally repressed loner would watch a Steven Seagal Movie in this day and age.
  • Kelly Clarkson\: Kelly is the perfect example of why a performer shouldn't cut corners. Did Kelly toil for years\, trying to catch the ears of record execs\? Nope\, she took the American Idol shortcut and that's why she lacks the discipline needed to refuse fourth servings. Now that we can see stretch marks through her jeans Kelly might as well go for broke have a pumpkin pie eating contest with Christina Aquilera. Sometimes it's good to establish just who is biggest\, baddest Argentinosaurus in the herd.
  • Kevin Federline\: Remember this jerkoff\? for about four years I couldn't fire up the ol' laptop without seeing Kevin's shit-eating grin following his ATM\, aka Britney Spears to every Jack in the Box on the west coast. The world didn't know just how crazy Britney was until she let him infect her then perfect body with the curse of pregnancy. How did he manage this\? I don't know but I'll guess he has a monster hose that filled Britney properly. Funny\, the only thing Kevin fills these days are XXXL jean shorts and shopping carts full of turkey stuffing and cigarrettes. Enjoy the cranberry sauce and impending diabetes\, shit-fuck.
  • Artie Lange\: I'll be honest\, this one hurts me. From MAD TV to the Howard Stern Show\, this man is supremely funny. And I'll put up Beer League against any of those overrated Steve Carrell snoozefests. Unfortunately Artie is as funny as he is fat\, meaning his next laughing fit might lead to a massive coronary. Come on\, dude\, maybe you should go out for a nice stroll this Thanksgiving.
  • Tiffany\: Most of you kids were just a sparkle in your daddy's eyes when Tiffany was a skinny kid singing in malls all over America\, but trust me when I tell you that she was actually in shape. She was a big deal in 1987\, but 25 Thanksgivings later\, we get to see Tiffany stretch a pair of khaki shorts on Mega Python vs. Gateroid to a level never achieved by cotton. My advice\, Tiff\? Eat as much as you want\, just remember that your fingers should still fit down your throat.
  • Elisha Cuthbert\: Elisha was on a roll for the ages up until two years ago. Movies\, TV\, music videos\, you name it. Then she found out how delicious pork stuffing and honey glazed ham was - a discovery which nearly derailed her career in 2010. Luckily\, Elisha disappeared into the Canadian wilderness where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving \(or believe in God\) and has since returned to form.
  • Jessica Simpson\: Look\, I know she's turned it around so far\, but funny is funny. Jessica was pregnant for five years\, I think she deserves to have her own table set up for Turkey Day. Go ahead and conveyor-belt a twelve course meal into your hole\, Jess. You'll need to pack on another 40 pounds if you expect to be Tony Romo's left tackle next season. Yeah\, a Tony Romo reference. Deal with it.
  • Val Kilmer\: History lesson time\! Many\, many years ago\, one of the greatest gay rights movies ever filmed was released for our viewing pleasure. That move was called Top Gun\, and it co-stared Val Kilmer as Tom "Iceman" Kasansky. Your eyes are NOT lying to you\, Val Kilmer played Iceman in that movie. Val now explains the weight gain as his way of bulking up to play an F-22 Raptor attack aircraft in Top Gun 2\, but with the advances made in CGI technology\, that plan has been scrapped. Based on that information I guess all I can say to Val is enjoy your Thanksgiving\, tubby.
  • Kirstie Alley\: Now\, I don't want anyone to get hurt\, but maybe someone in Kirstie's circle of friends can try to distract her from the cycle of holiday overindulgence she enjoys so much\? I find it interesting that Scientology claims to have cures for drug and alcohol addiction\, but it hasn't figured out how to cure Kirstie's crippling addiction to Wendy's Baconators \(I guess checking one's "Thetan levels" doesn't include a cholesterol test\). At 60 years of age\, Kirstie might as well go all in and have gravy feed to her intravenously for the holidays.
  • Tyra Banks\: I'd like to be the first to congratulate Tyra on her success transition out of being a model\, she's slowly but surely becoming Oprah Winfrey. I don't mean she's becoming a cultural phenomenon - I just mean she's becoming a big fat black lady on TV. I expect any day now to see Tyra drag a wagon full of lard onto the stage of one of her fifty awful shows. Hopefully she does us all a favor and eat the lard behind the scenes since the last thing I want to associate with Thanksgiving is Tyra's great white shark-like table manners.
  • Kelly LeBrock\: I can't believe Kelly made this list since she hardly counts as a celebrity\, but her weight gain has been so over the top that it needs to be addressed. Of course\, by addressed I mean mocked. Besides Christina\, I believe that Kelly is the only other person on this list who literally said "fuck it\," and then preceded to loot the refrigerators of every Boston Market restaurant within 100 miles of the greater Los Angeles area. Hey\, Kelly is in her fifties. Even though she's done next to nothing in her career\, she should enjoy her retirement from hotness and relevance.
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt\: Jennifer deserves better than this. She tries and tries to lose weight-and she does lose weight every year...until Thanksgiving rolls around again. Then she goes into her feeding frenzy that doesn't usually end until around mid-March\, when she gets back on her summer diet. I just want to see Jen happy\, but the only thing that garrantees her happiness is a 19 pound turkey prepared with all the trimmings sitting at the foot of her bed. Go ahead\, Jennifer\, eat that bird. We'll all pretend to look away in shame.
  • Janet Jackson\: Janet Jackson is like a funhouse mirror-meaning that depending on what angle you look at her\, she looks like she can weigh 140 pounds or 240 pounds. Whatever. Janet has nothing left to prove since she's been in entertainment for 40 successful years now\, so I say she can get as disgustingly nasty as she wants to. Just one thing though\, Janet. When you're machining food into your gullet\, stop biting when you get a mouthful of wood from under your plate that makes up the table. It shows a real lack of class.

Celebslam Presents: Celebrities who've enjoyed Thanksgiving way too much over the years



Fellow Americans: Have a happy, and safe, Thanksgiving. Non-Americans: Have fun at work tomorrow while we all get fatter, suckers!

NOTE: All the pictures have commentary under them, so be sure to click through the full gallery.

*15 pictures total in the gallery:

  • Christina Aguilera \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Double cheeseburgers. She's not very traditional\)
  • Britney Spears \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Candy left over from Halloween\)
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Loneliness. Despair. Depression\)
  • Jessica Simpson \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Everything all at once. In burrito form. With whipped cream salsa\)
  • Whitney Houston \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Mashed potatoes. With crack on top\, of course\)
  • Kirstie Alley \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Whole Foods. The entire store\)
  • Luke Wilson \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Ice cream stuffing. He actually stuffs ice cream into the turkey\)
  • Vince Vaughn \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Turkey. I mean the whole thing\)
  • Kelly Clarkson \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Pumpkin pie-flavored mashed potatoes. She mixes them\)
  • Val Kilmer \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Anything he can reach from the couch without actually having to get up\)
  • Matthew Perry \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: TV dinner. He lives a very lonely life\)
  • Mischa Barton \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Anything with the word pie in its name\)
  • Janet Jackson \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Dinner rolls. She can fit 10 in her mouth at once\)
  • Tyra Banks \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Attention\)
  • Kathleen Turner \(Thanksgiving Drug of Choice\: Bacon\)

Happy Thanksgiving!


Rihanna performing on ABC's Good Morning America in Times Square (11/24)

Rihanna's attention-whoring antics and I would like wish you and yours and Happy Thanksgiving. Celebslam will back as soon as I get out of the drunk tank, either Sunday or Monday. Meanwhile, in a shameless attempt to generate pageviews, here's a list of posts I'm particularly thankful for this holiday season:

Eva Amurri is still topless, still awesome
Rihanna has great taste in fashion
Joanna Krupa does Playboy
Miranda Kerr is topless
Jessica Alba has an ass
Keeley Hazell is awesome
Eva Herzigova sure is purty
Naomi Campbell is good at modeling
Three supermodels enter a bar . . .
Oh hi Eva Mendes
Nip slips for cancer
Heidi Klum is all messy
Tila will not stand for this!
Oh hi Claire Danes
Cheryl Burke is see through
Oh hi Shauna
Natalia Vodianova is photogenic
Julie Benz is sorta see through
Shauna Sand is exposed

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