Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Suri out and about in Boston (10/4)
Katie Holmes somehow convinced Tom Cruise to enroll their daughter Suri in a Catholic -- not a Scientologist -- pre-school. Clearly Katie has a set of incriminating photos of Tom giving a lap dance to a firefighter locked away in a safe somewhere. From the
Daily Mail:
. . . last week Katie enrolled the toddler at the Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning in Boston, Massachusetts. The family are living in the city while Tom, 47, films his new movie, the spy comedy thriller Wichita. Katie’s mother also flew in for her granddaughter’s first week at the pre-school.
"Katie has been listening to her parents who are devout Catholics," I’m told. "She is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic - as she was. They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly - but Tom came around to the idea in the end."
Holmes, 30, has not been seen at the Church of Scientology for more than five months.
It's good to see Katie putting her foot down about something as important as religion. At least now, instead of being brainwashed by a ridiculous cult that teaches about airplanes flying through outer space, aliens, and mind-control, Suri will be taught about something much more believable -- a guy who was conceived without sex, came back to life three days after being killed, and then nailed 72 virgins. Wait, I think I'm mixing my religions again . . .
Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise out and about in Boston (9/21)
Suri Cruise's wardrobe -- she's three-years-old last time I checked -- is worth more than most of us will make a lifetime. From
The Sun:
Tom Cruise's three-year-old daughter Suri has a wardrobe of designer clothes worth £2MILLION ($3.2 million).
Actor Tom, 47, and wife Katie Holmes, 30, have commissioned the world's top fashion names to custom-make outfits for their toddler.
An insider said: "They really splurge on Suri." The pair's pal Victoria Beckham is also said to have commissioned designer Robert Cavalli to make a dress for Suri.
The source added: "Suri is very vocal when it comes to outfits. She's rarely seen in anything twice."
In related news, half of my wardrobe consists of shirts I received for signing up for credit cards. Fuck my life.
Suri's starting school Suri Cruise must be the luckiest kid out there. When I was a kid, I would have killed to go to a school where we talked about aliens and spaceships all day. From the
Daily Mail:
Tom and Katie Cruise’s doll-like daughter Suri is to be trained in Scientology after her third birthday this week. The Cruises are sending their daughter five days a week to the Church of Scientology’s £6,000-a-year New Village Academy in Los Angeles, launched last year by Tom’s friend, fellow actor Will Smith. It is staffed by trained Scientologists and lists ‘study technology’ as a key curricular focus.
"The children have a lot of responsibilities from a very young age," says a source. "The school is particularly strict about nutrition, demanding a low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic diet. Katie is understandably a little anxious about being separated from Suri."
I hope for Suri's sake she's enjoying these last few precious moments of freedom. Because in just a matter of hours, she'll begin the brainwashing that'll leave her more lobotomized than Audrina Patridge and with less free will than the U.N. It'd be nice if Suri's diet actually did consist of "low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar" . . . but I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that human hearts contain loads of sodium and a ton of carbs.
Suri Cruise in New York (12/18)
Some people have way too much time on their hands . . . and an abundance of stamps. Suri Cruise -- who's just two-years-old -- receives an average of 100 letters a day. A source told
Star:
"She's even more popular than her superfamous parents. She has such a huge following that I'm surprised there isn't a Web site dedicated to her yet."
Most of the letters want to know where she gets her dresses or sparkly Mary Jane shoes. But letters aren't the only thing Suri is getting in the mail. She's "a major swag target," adds the source. "If Suri wears it out in public, it becomes a big seller, so designers are smart to flood her with their wares. She's the world's No. 1 fashion plate under 3!" (Source)
Sending a toddler that can't read fan mail is like sending Paris Hilton
a condom. Both gifts will just confuse their intended recipient and
probably end up in their mouths. If fans really wanted to show Suri
how much they loved her, they'd send her a one way ticket to
Chicago Europe wherever her dad isn't. Something else they could
send her that's more useful than fan mail: running shoes. Run Suri! Run while you still have a chance!
Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise leaving Magnolia Bakery in New York (11/24)
+ Jakki Degg has a calendar and it's sexy as hell [Hollywood Tuna]
+ Ashley Olsen snaps at the paparazzi [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Daisy Lowe Nude Pictures from Paradis Magazine [Egotastic!]
+ Marisa Miller feeling herself up [College Humor]
+ The 7 most annoying people at Thanksgiving dinner [Holy Taco]
+ A-Rod ditches his kids for Madonna [I'm Not Obsessed]
+ Why does Nicole Kidman look evil? [Dlisted]
+ Maria Sharapova gets leggy for GQ [Popoholic]
+ Reggie Bush is gonna kick Joey Fatone's ass [A Socialite's Life]
+ I love it when hot chicks make out [Double Viking]
+ More pics of the ultra-sexy Ali Landry [F-Listed]
+ Pretty awesome view of a pretty hot Detroit Pistons dancer [Busted Coverage]
+ This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for Charlize Theron [Attuworld]
"I WILL DESTROY YOU!"
Forbes today named little Suri Cruise the most powerful celebrity toddler. No, seriously, Forbes felt the roughly ten billion lists they have on their website weren't enough and they're now ranking toddlers. Via the San Francisco Chronicle:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter, Suri, has been named the World's Most Powerful toddler. A new poll by Forbes magazine has put the two-year-old ahead of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's brood of kids in the search for the most influential child under the age of five. The top 10 is as follows:1. Suri Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
5. Sam Alexis Woods (daughter of golf ace Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of actress Michelle Williams and the
late Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda
9. Sean Preston Federline
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Denise Richards).
(Source)
The fact that Suri's the "World's Most Powerful Toddler" is impressive. But you know what's more impressive? Not crapping your pants. Newsflash people: Other than the smell that wafts from their diapers, there's nothing "powerful" about a toddler. Case in point. Last week I arm wrestled a 2 year old and beat him 6 out of 10 times. Pussy.
Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise in New York (10/14)
Remember Star magazine's story last month about Tom and Katie screwing up their daughter Suri by keeping her away from other kids? Since that story was released, there's been a remarkable turnaround in Suri's development. Tom and Katie are letting her play with other kids, she's making new friends, and has even been invited to a few birthday parties. Nah, I'm just kidding. They're still screwing her up. From the New York Post:
Poor Suri Cruise. The 2-year-old daughter of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise doesn't seem to get much playtime with other toddlers. A local spy who's seen Suri around other children says, "Whenever she sees kids, she gets excited and runs up to them and hugs them as if she never gets to see kids her own age. There's not a lot of socialization there." Indeed, almost every day there are different shots of Suri with her mother - always shopping and always alone. (Source)
News Flash: Suri isn't running up to other kids to say "hi," she's running away from her mother and saying "help me get away from this crazy bitch." I'd feel bad for Suri not having any friends if my only two weren't "Righty" and (on nights when I'm feeling unusually naughty) "Lefty." The best way to get Suri "socialized" with other children from around the world: Drop her off at Angelina's house.
Suri Cruise and Katie Holmes in New York's Central Park (8/17)
Suri Cruise has no friends. According to Star magazine, the two-year-old lives a "shockingly" lonely life, rarely interacting with children her own age. Why? Because her parents are paranoid freaks who don't trust anybody. A source told the mag:
"It's really sad. You can see how much Suri longs for someone to play with."Recently when Katie took Suri to NYC's Chelsea Piers to play in its gym, the girl's only playmate was her 29-year-old mom! "Suri takes a private class in a room in the back of the gym," an employee says. "I have never seen her play with any of the other kids."
On the rare occasions when she is around children her own age, Suri doesn't know how to act. "She does not interact well with them at all," reveals a source. "She doesn't like to share because she doesn't know how to — she never has anyone to share with!" (Source)
Seriously? Are we really worried about how "lonely" a two year old is? Nobody gives a crap about me when I spend the weekend home alone with a jar of Vaseline, my pants around my ankles, watching Golden Girls re-runs (I swear, that Blanche is such a sassy little troublemaker). The moment we all start caring about the feelings of a pampered little kid is the day our society finally collapses -- which coincidentally is the same day we can finally get rid of that whole "age of consent" thing that's always such a nuisance.
Tom Cruise and daughter Suri at a park in L.A. (3/26)
Tom Cruise used his daughter Suri as a sort of "ice-breaker" during a recent meeting he had with Disney chairman Dick Cook. A source told the National Enquirer:
"People were very much taken aback. They saw it as a ploy by Tom to soften his image and show that, 'Hey, I'm Disney material, a normal family man.' Naturally, people were curious about her, so she kind of served as an ice-breaker." (Source)
If Tom really wants to make himself more appealing to studio execs, he should do what scores of other Hollywood parents have already discovered is the secret to box office success: not just bring Suri to a meeting but actually sell her to Disney. That way, in 12 years, with accumulated interest, he'll have just enough money to pay for her psychotherapy . . . and subsequent abortion.
Lindsay Lohan is unimpressed
Trust me Tom, once Suri hits puberty and even hints that she likes boys, just throw her down a well.
[Splash News]
