Archive: Suri Cruise

“I WILL DESTROY YOU!”

Forbes today named little Suri Cruise the most powerful celebrity toddler. No, seriously, Forbes felt the roughly ten billion lists they have on their website weren’t enough and they’re now ranking toddlers. Via the San Francisco Chronicle:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri, has been named the World’s Most Powerful toddler. A new poll by Forbes magazine has put the two-year-old ahead of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s brood of kids in the search for the most influential child under the age of five. The top 10 is as follows:

1. Suri Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
5. Sam Alexis Woods (daughter of golf ace Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of actress Michelle Williams and the
late Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda
9. Sean Preston Federline
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Denise Richards).
(Source)

The fact that Suri’s the ”World’s Most Powerful Toddler” is impressive. But you know what’s more impressive? Not crapping your pants. Newsflash people: Other than the smell that wafts from their diapers, there’s nothing “powerful” about a toddler. Case in point. Last week I arm wrestled a 2 year old and beat him 6 out of 10 times. Pussy.

[Pacific Coast News]

Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise in New York (10/14)

Remember Star magazine’s story last month about Tom and Katie screwing up their daughter Suri by keeping her away from other kids? Since that story was released, there’s been a remarkable turnaround in Suri’s development. Tom and Katie are letting her play with other kids, she’s making new friends, and has even been invited to a few birthday parties. Nah, I’m just kidding. They’re still screwing her up. From the New York Post:

Poor Suri Cruise. The 2-year-old daughter of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise doesn’t seem to get much playtime with other toddlers. A local spy who’s seen Suri around other children says, “Whenever she sees kids, she gets excited and runs up to them and hugs them as if she never gets to see kids her own age. There’s not a lot of socialization there.” Indeed, almost every day there are different shots of Suri with her mother - always shopping and always alone. (Source)

News Flash: Suri isn’t running up to other kids to say “hi,” she’s running away from her mother and saying “help me get away from this crazy bitch.” I’d feel bad for Suri not having any friends if my only two weren’t “Righty” and (on nights when I’m feeling unusually naughty) “Lefty.” The best way to get Suri “socialized” with other children from around the world: Drop her off at Angelina’s house.

[Pacific Coast News]

Suri Cruise and Katie Holmes in New York’s Central Park (8/17)

Suri Cruise has no friends. According to Star magazine, the two-year-old lives a “shockingly” lonely life, rarely interacting with children her own age. Why? Because her parents are paranoid freaks who don’t trust anybody. A source told the mag:

“It’s really sad. You can see how much Suri longs for someone to play with.”

Recently when Katie took Suri to NYC’s Chelsea Piers to play in its gym, the girl’s only playmate was her 29-year-old mom! “Suri takes a private class in a room in the back of the gym,” an employee says. “I have never seen her play with any of the other kids.”

On the rare occasions when she is around children her own age, Suri doesn’t know how to act. “She does not interact well with them at all,” reveals a source. “She doesn’t like to share because she doesn’t know how to — she never has anyone to share with!” (Source)

Seriously? Are we really worried about how “lonely” a two year old is? Nobody gives a crap about me when I spend the weekend home alone with a jar of Vaseline, my pants around my ankles, watching Golden Girls re-runs (I swear, that Blanche is such a sassy little troublemaker). The moment we all start caring about the feelings of a pampered little kid is the day our society finally collapses — which coincidentally is the same day we can finally get rid of that whole “age of consent” thing that’s always such a nuisance.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Tom Cruise and daughter Suri at a park in L.A. (3/26)

Tom Cruise used his daughter Suri as a sort of “ice-breaker” during a recent meeting he had with Disney chairman Dick Cook. A source told the National Enquirer:

“People were very much taken aback. They saw it as a ploy by Tom to soften his image and show that, ‘Hey, I’m Disney material, a normal family man.’ Naturally, people were curious about her, so she kind of served as an ice-breaker.” (Source)

If Tom really wants to make himself more appealing to studio execs, he should do what scores of other Hollywood parents have already discovered is the secret to box office success: not just bring Suri to a meeting but actually sell her to Disney. That way, in 12 years, with accumulated interest, he’ll have just enough money to pay for her psychotherapy . . . and subsequent abortion.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Lindsay Lohan is unimpressed

Trust me Tom, once Suri hits puberty and even hints that she likes boys, just throw her down a well.

[Splash News]

Suri’s cake being delivered to her party (4/18)

Tom Cruise dropped $100k on a birthday party for daughter Suri last friday (pics here). $17k was dropped on flowers and another $5k was spent on a four-tiered cake for Suri and personalized cakes for each of the 24 guests. In Touch Weekly says:

But later that night, an insider reveals that Tom and Katie invited their A-list pals, including David and Victoria Beckham, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Eva Longoria Parker, and Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy to a second celebration. “The catering bill for the two parties cost Tom more than $45,000,” reveals the insider, who adds that Tom asked his friend, celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck, to cater the events.

“It was a great party,” says an attendee. “Suri was in a really great mood and loved having all the balloons around.”

In other news, I siphoned almost a half a tank of gas out of the neighbor’s car last night before I had to stop because a little went down my throat.

[Pacific Coast News]

Suri Cruise was photographed yesterday walking around the French resort she’s staying at with her parents (Tom and Katie are in town for the wedding of Australian media mogul [and Scientologist] James Packer). You figure if Suri’s walking by one, she should be running by two. So look for her escape attempt to occur sometime between June and July of next year. Wait … can two-year-olds climb walls?

Katie Holmes bikini pics

I’ve never discredited a story so quickly but it looks like you can put those Katie Holmes pregnancy rumors to rest (the ones I wrote about 45 minutes ago). The svelte first lady of Scientology was photographed today with daughter Suri at a beach near the famous Hotel du Cap, in Antibes on the French Riviera. I don’t know about you but I think it was pretty damn nice of my grandma to loan Katie her swimsuit.

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NOTE: In case you missed some of the past SUMMER IS HERE posts:

Gemma Atkinson

Natasha Hamilton

Celine Dion

Serena Williams

Brooke Burke

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This picture of Suri Cruise is probably the cutest thing you’ll see all day. Except for that girl scout locked in my attic. “I need water … the spiders are biting me … I miss my mommy … these handcuffs are too small for my wrist” Kids today! They grow up so fast!

A “walking and talking” Suri Cruise had a very normal first birthday last Wednesday at the Cruise family compound in Beverly Hills. According to a source close to the family, partygoers (including Katie’s mother and grandmothers; and Tom’s sister and grandmother) dined on pizza and cupcakes from a local bakery: “By the end of the party Tom, Katie and Suri were wearing chocolate.” People magazine adds:

Dragonfly and butterfly piñatas were also part of the entertainment. Suri received a gym set for the backyard along with a stack of books, balls and dolls. (Source)

What the hell? Those are the kinds of presents normal babies get, not the spawn of Tom Cruise. And what’s with the piñatas? Where’s the traditional sacrifice of a nonbeliever followed by fruit punch? Can you even really call it a Scientology birthday party without the sacrifice of a nonbeliever followed by fruit punch? I say no.