Spencer Pratt at a car wash on Sunset Boulevard in L.A. (11/7)
Just for the record, I'm not OK with Spencer Pratt driving around a kick-ass 1968 Camaro SS. Why can't he stick to the script and drive a Mercedes or Porsche like all the other douchebags in L.A.? . . . wait a minute, cars built in 1968 don't have airbags! Yes!
The DUI Stephanie Pratt got on Sunday still isn't her fault. On Tuesday it was the cops' fault. And today it's her brother's fault. Speaking of her brother Spencer, I haven't said this in a while, but please die. From Janet Charlton's Hollywood:
Stephanie Pratt is seething in silence because she thinks her DUI arrest was a set-up masterminded by her brother Spencer Pratt and “The Hills” MTV producers. Here’s why: Ratings on the show have been dropping and producers and Spencer have been conspiring to create drama and get publicity for the stars. Sunday night they were filming for the show at Empire while Holly celebrated her birthday. The camera lingered on Stephanie drinking and they encouraged her to drink more. When it came time to leave, Stephanie hesitated because she IS careful about driving even if she drinks only a little, but Spencer and the producers assured her she was fine. A cop car was conveniently parked right out front and nabbed her before she drove 20 feet. She was only a fraction over the legal alcohol level. Stephanie spent a miserable night in jail. She believes that her “hitting rock bottom” with her drinking is just a plot created for benefit of the show. She’s privately FURIOUS but doesn’t know what to do.
Talk about self-delusion. You've got to be pretty full of yourself (or O.J. Simpson) to think the entire MTV production staff, Los Angeles Police Department, and your own brother would all work together to set you up. While she's at it, Stephanie might as well claim that traffic in L.A is just there to make her late and that global warming is a devious plot by Al Gore to cause her eye-liner to smear.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag with their new puppies Dolly and Ninja in the Hollywood Hills (10/6)
Honestly, those two need to put out of their misery. Kidnap them, take them to a local animal shelter, inject them full of drugs, and put them to sleep. As for the puppies, we should definitely let them go. They're so cute!
Heidi Montag bikini candids! (Paradise Island, Bahamas - 8/24)
Note to Heidi Montag: You don't have to act like a complete idiot in every picture that's taken of you. Honestly, you don't. You're not in a softcore porn film.* It's just sunscreen. It protects you from cancer. You don't have to moan and act like you're having an orgasm. This is why everyone hates you.
Note to Spencer Pratt: See above, but add four "fuck yous"
*yet. I give her a few years and a missed car payment or two.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag arriving at LAX airport (8/24)
Spencer Pratt's new book might get him his ass kicked by Brad Pitt (hopefully the badass Brad Pitt from Troy). Pratt blasts Angelina Jolie, calling her a "home-wrecking head case." From the New York Post:
In "How to Be Famous," the reality TV train wreck marvels at Pitt's personal PR mastery. What impresses the love-to-hate-him "Hills" villain most? The way "Inglourious Basterds" star Pitt handled his 2005 split from America's sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston.
"There literally is not another situation in the history of Hollywood where a man left a woman as beloved as Jennifer Aniston for someone like Angelina Jolie (a home-wrecking head case) and still ended up the good guy," Pratt writes in the tome, due in November from Grand Central Publishing. "We salute you, Mr. Pitt!"
What's most surprising about this story isn't that Spencer actually thinks he has some moral high ground from which to judge famous people (like I do), it's that he's actually having a book published. If I wanted to read the opinions of an attention-whoring, loudmouthed imbecile, I wouldn't read a book written by Spencer Pratt. I'd visit Perez's site.
Spencer and Heidi Pratt at CUT restaurant in Beverly Hills (8/14)
Dumb facial expression? Check. Wife's issue of Playboy to share with anyone that gets within five feet of him? Check? Ed Hardy underwear? Check (assumed). Spencer Pratt is incredible. He can't even celebrate his birthday without coming off as a complete and total douche. Speaking of his birthday, I hope he got my present. I got him a huge box of bird flu. Ohhhh, I hope he doesn't already have it!
Spencer and Heidi Pratt at the premiere of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood (8/6)
Who at Playboy decided it would be a good idea to interview Heidi and Spencer? I need to know who to club in the kneecaps with one of those mini bats they give away at baseball games. A few excerpts from the interview (via Star):
"Life with [Heidi] is like 24/7 porn but without the obnoxious charges," Spencer declares in the September issue of Playboy, in which his not-so-blushing bride appears in a bikini on the cover.
Heidi reveals, "I was never very sexual before I met Spencer... Before [Spencer], sex was just something that happened. Now it's something I look forward to every minute of the day."
And to keep Spencer coming back for more, Heidi, who has had a breast augmentation, says she plans to give him more of what he wants! "I'm definitely not done with my surgical quest. I think I want to go bigger on my boobs for [Spencer].
Watching porn is a lot better than having sex with Heidi -- you can always press "mute." Now don't get me wrong, I'd love to get blown by her . . . but only because that would make her shut up for 10 minutes. *rimshot*
NOTE: "Obnoxious charges"? Who the hell actually pays for porn? Can Spencer do anything right?
Al Roker -- yes Al Roker -- ripped into Heidi and Spencer on the Today Show this morning, asking the couple if they were proud of their ridiculousbehavior on NBC's I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!. After the interview was over, Roker twittered:
Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple. famous for...being infamous. Bad and vacuous behavior. I think we're at minute 11 of their 15.
For the first time in his life, Spencer took the high road and refused to get into a childish war of words with Roker. Oh wait, no he didn't. He acted exactly like you'd expect him to act. He told Ryan Seacrest:
"Was the weatherman asking us questions? I thought we were getting interviewed by a guy named Matt Lauer. We were thrown off that the weatherman was even trying to talk to Speidi."
Heidi added:
"I was shocked at how rude he was. I was crying afterwards because I felt personally attacked because he was yelling and saying, 'Do you feel proud of this?' I felt like saying, 'Do you feel proud of what you're saying [to us]?' I'm a young woman and you’re coming at me so mean-spirited."
It's too bad the pre-stomach stapling Al Roker didn't conduct this interview. Old Al would have conducted the interview pretty much in the exact same way. But at the end . . . he would have eaten them. How cool would it have been to finally have Heidi and Spencer out of our hair because Al Roker fucking ate them? I would literally squeal in delight.
