Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara on the set of Heat in New Orleans (4/10)

Sofia Vergara's clumsiness almost landed her a one-way ticket to Guantanamo over the weekend. From the New York Daily News:

Sofia Vergara caused a stir when she accidentally walked through a restricted area of LaGuardia Airport in New York. After losing her bearings for a few minutes, the "Modern Family" actress was escorted to the right area.

Sofia Vergara walking through a restricted area of the airport has to be every security screener's dream. "Excuse me, ma'am, I'm gonna need to do an extensive cavity search on you . . . Do you mind if I put some cologne on?"

*15 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara on the set of Heat in New Orleans (4/9)

I don't know whose idea it was to dress Sofia Vergara in a tight sweater, short skirt, and high heels in her new movie, but you're awesome and, I don't want to be dramatic, but I would die 1000 times for you.

*30 Sofia Vergara skirt pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara in Miami earlier this year

Sofia Vergara reveals in the new issue of Vogue that she's freezing her eggs:

"I have to be careful what I eat because they're freezing my eggs!" ... She tells me it is a process she is starting around now and that "you have to put first some peels, and then after ---" What kind of peels, pray? "Hormone pills," she says, "and then after that it is hormone injections ... they want to get as many eggs as they can because usually you produce them but they're not good. They have to be perfect, perfect, perfect ones. My boyfriend is 37, younger than me, never had kids. So."

Sofia Vergara freezing her eggs is an excellent idea, of course, because Sofia Vergara is attractive. Kate Beckinsale should do the same. And Stacy Keibler and Alessandra Ambrosio and all the hot bitches. And we won't create a daughter or two. We'll find some really corrupt doctor in Florida to create 100 Sofia Vergara and Kate Beckinsale daughters. And we'll cut down all the trees because fuck trees. This is the future. Shit is made of metal now. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, fuck trees.

*20 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara in Miami (1/2)

Sofia Vergara and her fiance Nick Loeb's fight on New Year's Eve was so bad that Loeb was thrown "out of the back door of the club" by four security guards, but the two were spotted yesterday at the beach in Miami. Sofia does look a little melancholy. If she really wants to get back at Nick for pushing her and ripping her dress, she should pull down her top right there on the beach in front of him and the paparazzi. "Hey Nick, jew push me again, I leave jew and jew no touch these again!" and leave it down for a few minutes so Nick and the paparazzi will know she means business. I promise I won't look.

*34 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb leaving their hotel in Miami Beach (12/30)

Sofia Vergara and her fiance Nick Loeb rung in 2013 with arguing, screaming, and even "pushing and shoving," according to some witnesses. "Happy New Year, you fucking bitch!" From the New York Post:

Sofia Vergara's fiance Nick Loeb was thrown out of a Miami club after they had a heated argument, Page Six has exclusively learned. Witnesses said Loeb and the stunning actress began arguing in the VIP section of hot new Miami Beach club Story in the early hours of today. One said there was "some pushing and shoving" before the fight was broken up.

One witness told us, "Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee. This happened right in front of everyone in the VIP section. Four security guards grabbed Nick and threw him out of the back door of the club, with Sofia following behind." It is believed the couple then returned to their hotel.

Wow, that was quick. From what I understand, Nick's New Year's resolution was to not physically assault the hand that feeds him -- but luckily for him, Sofia has a little Rihanna in her. I'm not gonna lie to you kids, I'm having a really hard time wrapping my enormous intellect around this relationship. I'll just go ahead and email my close personal friend, super-nerd Dr. Michio Kaku, to get to the bottom of this.

Update from Dr. Kaku: Nick Loeb is hung like potted cactus.

*15 Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara shopping in West Hollywood (12/11)

*11 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara departing on a flight at LAX airport (12/8)

Even though she's definitely not a terrorist, Sofia Vergara still had to go through the body scan machine at LAX over the weekend. "OK ma'm, for this fifth pass through the scanner, you need to take your bra off, and just to make triple sure that you're not hiding any weapons, I'm gonna need you to jump up and down."

*10 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara out and about in Beverly Hills (12/5)

Looks like Sofia Vergara got my letter about needing to dress sexier. At first I thought breaking in, spraying the letter with cologne, and hiding it in her underwear drawer would be too forward, but obviously she found it very charming. In related news, anyone know Jessica Alba's address?

*17 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb at LAX airport (10/12)

Sofia Vergara's fiancee? Turns out he's just a little bit crazy. He's taking over her life in much the same way her breasts have taken over my imagination. Seriously, it's getting bad. I think I may need therapy. From the National Enquirer:

Sofia Vergara's fiancee Nick Loeb, wants more than her hand in marriage - he wants to control every facet of her life! That's what insiders are saying after the 37-year-old entrepreneur recently went behind the "Modern Family" star's back and fired members of her support staff. They add that Nick's also been pressuring Sofia to make questionable investments as well as alienating her from close friends.

"He fired Sofia's beloved maid a few weeks ago," a source told The ENQUIRER. "He warned Sofia's handlers that her manager is on the chopping block too, because Nick wants to push her more into movies and away from TV. She has no idea the extent to which Nick is trying to take control of her career and finances. He's treating Sofia more like a bank cash machine than a bride-to-be. And Sofia is such a loving, trusting woman that she would never suspect that Nick is using her for her fortune. What's worse is that Sofia's management team members are so afraid of Nick axing them that they aren't speaking up and warning her." (Print Edition - 11/19)

This Nick Loeb person sure has his claws dug deep into Sofia's rockin' ass, doesn't he? Nick's taken over her business and private affairs like a boss, which is odd because he's pretty much a nobody. Nicely done, sir. You've earned your Manwhore PHD via pimping out one of the greatest pieces of ass since I started taking stats.

*10 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Saturday, November 3 and Sunday, November 4

Sofia Vergara filming Modern Family in L.A. (pics start here)

Eva Mendes at a screening of Holly Motors at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood (pics start here)

Zooey Deschanel at a photoshoot at Sunset Hollywood Ranch (pics start here)

Simon Cowell and his ex-girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy at Lancer Dermatology in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Katie Price leaving Mayfair Bar in London (pics start here)

Harrison Ford leaving his son's football game in Brentwood (pics start here)

Kim Kardashian leaving a gun range in Miami (pics start here)

Nicole Scherzinger leaving Nobu in London (pics start here)

Reese Witherspoon shopping at Westfield Century City Mall in L.A. (pics start here)

Kristen Stewart at an AFI Fest gala screening of On The Road in L.A. (pics start here)

Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott leaving a Ducati repair shop in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Ryan Phillippe and his girlfriend Paulina Slagter at his son's soccer match in L.A. (pics start here)

*112 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery: