Snooki and Jionni LaValle on vacation in Vero Beach, Florida (7/28)

Snooki's husband Jionni LaValle is the latest celebrity caught up in the Ashley Madison hack. The normally celeb-friendly Us Weekly discovered that Jionni's email was among those leaked by hackers, and they posted a story about it late Monday. Of course Snooki refuses to believe that her husband has eyes for anyone but her, so she's going down swinging. Via her Instagram:
'This morning when I got a call from my publicist that a story was going to be printed on my husband "allegedly" signing up on Ashley Madison, I laughed- and said lets not even comment and give the story any juice, because it couldn't be any further from the truth. But now seeing how it's the "news of the day" and everyone is wondering what I think about it- here it is. Jionni is the the most humble, respectful, and most loyal souls I know. I mean hello, that's why I married him. He's a stand up guy who loves his family more than anything in this world. The fact that the tabloids can deliberately make stories up and print things like "Jionni LaValle ALLEGEDLY and MAY HAVE signed up on Ashley Madison" is absurd. I can see if there is proof in the story to make it legitimate, but to accuse my husband of something he had no idea about... HOW IS THAT LEGAL? I really didn't even want to acknowledge this absurd story, but when my family is being bashed for no reason- mama bear is gonna say what's up. So no, my husband didn't sign up on that website to cheat on me. Honestly, if he wanted to cheat- he would go out and do it. Not sign up on a website and pay for it. Jionni is a good guy and doesn't need his name being tarnished. Nor does our family. We did nothing wrong to deserve this. So with all of this said, I love you babe. And even though I'm a pain in your ass, I know you would never cheat on me. Especially on a lame ass website. @jlavalle5 #myfamilyrocks'
In Jionni's defense, Us Weekly only discovered his email address in the data dump. There was no smoking gun credit card link and trail of payments like Josh Duggar. Anyone could have used his email address to sign up -- anyone. Anyone could have used his email address to sign up -- anyone. Anyone could have used his email address to sign up -- anyone. Remember, Snooki, just keep repeating that yourself and it will help you sleep at night. The first year is gonna be the hardest.

*25 Snooki and Jionni pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Husband Cheating 1
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Snooki showing off her clothing line SnookiLove by Double Zero at the MAGIC Convention in Las Vegas (8/19)

I don't know who the hell is gonna buy this crap, but here's Snooki showing off her new clothing line at the MAGIC convention in Las Vegas last week. This is bullshit. I thought these people were supposed to go away when Jersey Shore was canceled? And now here they are popping up when you least expect them and ruining your day. They're like genital herpes . . . that's actually the perfect analogy.

*15 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Clothing Line 1
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Snooki and Jionni LaValle marrying at the St. Rose of Lima Church in East Hanover, New Jersey (11/29)

Didn't mention this yesterday because literally everything else is more important, but Snooki got married on Saturday to the male version of herself, Jionni LaValle. The two dated while Snooki starred on Jersey Shore, with Jionni shockingly not dumping her -- like relevance did -- after the show ended. Flynet says the reception at their "Great Gatsby"-themed wedding included cigars and a scotch bar. And bathrooms. For the guests to fuck in. I'm just assuming that's what you do at a Snooki wedding.

*20 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Wedding Pics 1
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Snooki and JWoww at the 2013 Jingle Ball at Madison Square Garden in New York (12/14)

Thanks to Snooki, we now know way too much about her and JWoww's ovulation cycles -- which is now suddenly newsworthy because JWoww just announced that she's pregnant. Big congrats to the future father . . . um, I think. JWoww tells In Touch Weekly:
"We want our weddings close together, I'd love to have mine in September then Nicole could do November."

Snooki added: "I'll probably get pregnant on my wedding night, that's the goal. We should get pregnant together, can we please try and conceive at the same time? We already ovulate at the same time."
Oh, yeah. This story is for all you potential celebrities out there. We live in a time where you don't necessarily need to be good-looking, talented, or even particularly smart to be famous -- just be classless bores like Nicole Polizzi and Jennifer Farley. Will you be respected as artists or visionaries? Of course not, but just being a bit famous is worth not having the slightest shred of dignity whatsoever. Not that anyone was asking, but we now know that Snooki and JWoww are demanding raw creampies for the new TV season (no word if Valtrex will sponsor their rutting sessions, yet). Good job, girls. You've stretched your 15 minutes so far that I hear that you're being named honorary Kardashians -- and you know what that means, right? Bukkake party, bitches!

*11 Snooki and JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 1
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Snooki in Seaside Heights, New Jersey (7/29)

Since I know most of you are dying to see some pics of Snooki in a bikini, here she is in Seaside Heights earlier this week. She's certainly skinnier than we've seen in the past, but still hideously fugly of course. In fact, she's so fugly that she's supplanted Sydney Leathers and rocketed to the top of Anthony Weiner's list of chicks to text dick pics to. Seriously, would it kill that guy to betray his wife with someone that was actually attractive? Mix in a 7 or 8 every now and then, dude.

*12 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Bikini Boobs
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Snooki leaving Bootsy Bellows in West Hollywood (12/18)

After having too much to drink last night at Bootsy Bellows in West Hollywood, Snooki -- who gave birth in late August -- had to be helped to her car by a friend. But don't worry about her baby back at home. Locked closets, they're not just for hanging coats anymore!

*5 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Bootsy Bellows 1
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Snooki at the NYTV Film Festival Panel discussion of "Love, Loss and Laundry: A Farewell to the Jersey Shore" in New York (10/24)

Oh great, now what am I supposed to do with this KitchenAid Professional 600 Series 6-Quart Stand Mixer in Pearl Metallic? I'll get you for this, Snooki! A source told Star:
They've been putting on a good act for the cameras ... but insiders say it's just a facade to promote her show Snooki & JWoww, which just got renewed for a second season. "Snooki is desperate to stay famous," a source says. "She can't stand to be around Jionni. She's only going to go through with the wedding for a million-dollar payday."

Snooki's mad because "he refuses to even touch the baby and acts like he can't hear Lorenzo screaming for attention," the source tells Star. Jionni, meanwhile, claims "the only reason he's laid off helping so much is to force her to do more."

It's gotten so bad that the two can barely stay in the same room without being at each other's throats. The insider laments: "It's quite sad, really, and the one who is suffering the most with their selfish behavior and constant fighting is poor baby Lorenzo." (Print Edition - 11/12)
Wow, this is unbelievable -- using babies and weddings as props for a reality show is just so shameful and demeaning . . . in other words, I'm surprised the Kardashians haven't filed a copyright infringement lawsuit about it.

*10 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Wedding Off 1
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Snooki leaving the St Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, New Jersey (8/28)

After giving birth on Sunday, Snooki, full of the quiet dignity that's become her trademark, officially left the hospital yesterday. Nah, I'm just kidding. She was followed by cameras for her reality show. Because how could any of us go on with our life without knowing how Snooki feels about her body 48 hours after having a baby? "My pussy feels like the Grand Canyon. I think I can actually feel some German tourists in there. Entschuldigung!"

*15 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Hospital Exit 1
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Snooki promoting her book Gorilla Beach at Showboat Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey (7/25)

Snooki is officially a MILF mom -- she gave birth to a baby boy on early Sunday morning. So far she has the father narrowed down to five guys, probably. Her rep -- yes, Snooki has a rep -- said:
The world just got another Guido!!! Lorenzo Dominic LaValle has entered the world, weighing 6 pounds, 5 ounces. Nicole, Jionni and Enzo are doing great!
And with life comes death, as Neil Armstrong passed away this Saturday from complications from a heart bypass surgery he had earlier this month. In a way, I envy the man. He was the first person to walk on the Moon and he never had to live on an Earth where Snooki was a mother. He was one bad ass motherfucker.

*10 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Birth 1
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Snooki out and about in Seaside Heights, New Jersey (6/21)

Snooki was out and about in Seaside Heights yesterday when she took a little tumble in those ridiculous shoes. Oh c'mon Snooki, no need to play games and pull a stunt like this. Abortion has been legal for 40 years. Or at least find some stairs.

*10 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki Fall Down 1
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