Snooki and JWoww at the 2013 Jingle Ball at Madison Square Garden in New York
Thanks to Snooki, we now know way too much about her and JWoww's ovulation cycles -- which is now suddenly newsworthy because JWoww just announced that she's pregnant. Big congrats to the future father . . . um, I think. JWoww tells In Touch Weekly
"We want our weddings close together, I'd love to have mine in September then Nicole could do November."
Snooki added: "I'll probably get pregnant on my wedding night, that's the goal. We should get pregnant together, can we please try and conceive at the same time? We already ovulate at the same time."
Oh, yeah. This story is for all you potential celebrities out there. We live in a time where you don't necessarily need to be good-looking, talented, or even particularly smart to be famous -- just be classless bores like Nicole Polizzi and Jennifer Farley. Will you be respected as artists or visionaries? Of course not, but just being a bit famous is worth not having the slightest shred of dignity whatsoever. Not that anyone was asking, but we now know that Snooki and JWoww are demanding raw creampies for the new TV season (no word if Valtrex will sponsor their rutting sessions, yet). Good job, girls. You've stretched your 15 minutes so far that I hear that you're being named honorary Kardashians -- and you know what that means, right? Bukkake party, bitches!*11 Snooki and JWoww pictures total in the gallery:
Snooki in Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Since I know most of you are dying to see some pics of Snooki in a bikini, here she is in Seaside Heights earlier this week. She's certainly skinnier than we've seen in the past
, but still hideously fugly of course. In fact, she's so fugly that she's supplanted Sydney Leathers
and rocketed to the top of Anthony Weiner's list of chicks to text dick pics to. Seriously, would it kill that guy to betray his wife with someone that was actually attractive? Mix in a 7 or 8 every now and then, dude.
*12 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:
Snooki leaving Bootsy Bellows in West Hollywood
After having too much to drink last night at Bootsy Bellows in West Hollywood, Snooki -- who gave birth in late August
-- had to be helped to her car by a friend. But don't worry about her baby back at home. Locked closets, they're not just for hanging coats anymore!*5 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:
Snooki at the NYTV Film Festival Panel discussion of "Love, Loss and Laundry: A Farewell to the Jersey Shore" in New York
Oh great, now what am I supposed to do with this KitchenAid Professional 600 Series 6-Quart Stand Mixer in Pearl Metallic? I'll get you for this, Snooki! A source told Star
They've been putting on a good act for the cameras ... but insiders say it's just a facade to promote her show Snooki & JWoww, which just got renewed for a second season. "Snooki is desperate to stay famous," a source says. "She can't stand to be around Jionni. She's only going to go through with the wedding for a million-dollar payday."
Snooki's mad because "he refuses to even touch the baby and acts like he can't hear Lorenzo screaming for attention," the source tells Star. Jionni, meanwhile, claims "the only reason he's laid off helping so much is to force her to do more."
It's gotten so bad that the two can barely stay in the same room without being at each other's throats. The insider laments: "It's quite sad, really, and the one who is suffering the most with their selfish behavior and constant fighting is poor baby Lorenzo." (Print Edition - 11/12)
Wow, this is unbelievable -- using babies and weddings as props for a reality show is just so shameful and demeaning . . . in other words, I'm surprised the Kardashians haven't filed a copyright infringement lawsuit about it.*10 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:
Snooki leaving the St Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, New Jersey
After giving birth on Sunday, Snooki, full of the quiet dignity that's become her trademark, officially left the hospital yesterday. Nah, I'm just kidding. She was followed by cameras for her reality show. Because how could any of us go on with our life without knowing how Snooki feels about her body 48 hours after having a baby? "My pussy feels like the Grand Canyon. I think I can actually feel some German tourists in there. Entschuldigung!"*15 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:
Snooki promoting her book Gorilla Beach at Showboat Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey
Snooki is officially a
mom -- she gave birth to a baby boy on early Sunday morning. So far she has the father narrowed down to five guys, probably. Her rep -- yes, Snooki has a rep -- said:
The world just got another Guido!!! Lorenzo Dominic LaValle has entered the world, weighing 6 pounds, 5 ounces. Nicole, Jionni and Enzo are doing great!
And with life comes death, as Neil Armstrong passed away this Saturday from complications from a heart bypass surgery he had earlier this month. In a way, I envy the man. He was the first person to walk on the Moon and he never had to live on an Earth where Snooki was a mother. He was one bad ass motherfucker.*10 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:
Snooki out and about in Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Snooki was out and about in Seaside Heights yesterday when she took a little tumble in those ridiculous shoes. Oh c'mon Snooki, no need to play games and pull a stunt like this. Abortion has been legal for 40 years. Or at least find some stairs.*10 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:
Snooki and JWoww filming their new reality show in Jersey City, New Jersey
Do dogs commit suicide or is that just a human thing?*25 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:
Snooki in Cancun
That's Snooki (and JWoww - bikini pics in the gallery) enjoying her Spring Break in Cancun last Friday. Because why wouldn't you go party in Mexico just a week after announcing
that you were pregnant? Everyone knows that the best thing for a fetus in the first trimester is bright lights, loud noises, and not going to bed until 7AM. My Old Farmer's Almanac tells me that's a recipe for success!*51 Snooki pictures total in the gallery: