Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell and Mezhgan Hussainy out and about in Beverly Hills (2/19)

Even though he's on a first-penis basis with half the nine and tens in Hollwyood, Simon Cowell is actually thinking about getting married to his new girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. No, Simon. NOOO!!! From the New York Daily News:

Simon Cowell’s mother Julie has been speaking about her joy for her son’s new found love with Afghanistan-born make-up artist Mezhgan Hussainy. Speaking from her Brightonhome, she said:  "I knew it was serious when Simon said he had something important to tell me" reveals Julie, 84. "I asked if it was good or bad and he replies, ‘That depends which way you look at it.’ ‘Just tell me,’ I said. He explained that he had asked Mezhgan to move in with him. Although girlfriends had stayed with him in the past, he had never done that before. This seems to make it official."

"What baffled me most was the complete turnaround in my son," she continues. "He has always insisted, ‘I’m fine as I am, mother. I’m not going to get committed to a marriage and I certainly don’t want children.’ I used to reply, ‘You don’t know, you’ve never had them.’"

But it seems that Julie couldn’t be happier for her son "Now I really think marriage and fatherhood for Simon are going to happen. I would like to see an official engagement, a marriage and yes, then grandchildren. Mezghan is very family orientated, so she is ideal for him" Julie continues.

Can you imagine being married to Simon Cowell? Every day would be filled with nonstop criticisms of your cooking, cleaning, and size of your penis. Frankly, any woman that's willing to put up with that pompous ass should be granted immediate Sainthood . . . and a full bottle of barbituates to quickly put her out of her misery. Let's just hope Mezhgan has what it takes to make this relationship last: 2-dozen XXS t-shirts for when Simon runs out.

Simon Cowell hates Victoria Beckham

I hope Victoria Beckham isn't looking to turn her guest appearance on American Idol into a full-time gig. Because Simon Cowell hates the bitch. From the Chicago Sun Times:

As seemed evident from the ''American Idol'' season debut Tuesday night -- taped in Boston last summer -- various exchanges between 'Posh Spice'' and Cowell were pretty sharp.

"Idol" sources say that was not an act. "The two of them really did not connect at all," a show staffer said Wednesday.

During Beckham's turns as a guest judge in Boston and Denver, Cowell reportedly became less and less impressed with the entertainer's music sensibilities. "He thought her taste was totally in the toilet," said another source close to the action.

For that reason, when a rumor floated online earlier this week -- reportedly from Beckham's own camp -- that she was a candidate for an "X Factor" judging slot, Cowell quickly issued a statement shooting that down. The edgy Brit made it very clear he had not made an offer to Beckham and "had no intention to do so."

Simon's right. Posh shouldn't be a judge for American Idol or The X Factor -- she should be a judge for The Biggest Loser. Picture this: You're a contestant about to step onto the scale for your weekly weigh-in when suddenly you see 74-pound Posh Spice glaring at you. You'd feel so guilty you'd immediately develop an eating disorder and win the show. Of course, if that gig didn't work out, Posh would always be able find work on the Discovery Channel -- as a preying mantis.

Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol

Simon Cowell announced today that he's leaving American Idol to focus on his new show The X Factor, which Fox has already picked up for the Fall 2011 season. If you've never seen The X Factor, picture an episode of American Idol. Now call it The X Factor. There ya' go. From THR:

Fox chairman Peter Rice and entertainment president Kevin Reilly officially announced the "Factor" pickup and Cowell's "Idol" departure today at the Television Critics Association's winter press tour in Pasadena.

"In my opinion it's like having a good player on a good football team," Cowell told the critics. "But when the player retires the team will continue to be very successful. I'm confident 'Idol' will continue to be the No. 1 show. I want to leave 'Idol' this year bigger and better than it's been before."

The U.S. version of "X-Factor" will be a similar format to the UK version, with Cowell acting as judge and executive producer. The other judges will be announced shortly, Cowell said.

Of course this all boils down to money. Simon makes $36 million a year on Idol and rumor is producers offered him between $100 and $144 million (roughly the GDP of the Marshall Islands) to stay on after his contract expires in May. It's estimated that American Idol makes $900 million a year. Simon owns 0% of American Idol. Simon owns 100% of The X Factor so he stands to make hundreds of millions if it's successful. With the price of islands nowadays, you can't really blame him for the move. Incidentally, my first job out of college I made $27,000 and I would often steal ketchup packets from the break room. Fuck you Simon Cowell.

A guest leaving Simon Cowell's 50th birthday party in London (10/3)

It was that fun my friends, it was that fun.

Simon Cowell leaving Wrotham Park Manor in London (10/2)

Why is Simon drunk? He's leaving his 50th birthday party celebration of course -- a party that cost him roughly $2 million to throw. From Radar:

The fete featured many of Simon's favorite delicacies such as Shepherds pie, fish and chips and mini roast beef and Yorkshire pudding hors d'oeuvres and the 400 person guest list included such celeb notables as "Idol" pals Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Olivia Newton-John, David Hasselhoff, Piers Morgan, Terri Seymour, Gordon Ramsay and Andrew Lloyd Weber.

Although Elton John, Paula Abdul (who called in sick) and "Britain's Got Talent" sensation Susan Boyle were no-shows, the rowdy party attendees were treated to performances by Leona Lewis, the aging boy band Westlife and the aforementioned Earth Wind & Fire, who had been flown in from Vegas at a cost of $200,000.

Wow, sounds almost exactly like my birthday party last year, well, except for Earth Wind & Fire. No way my broke-ass parents could get them. They could only afford Kelly Clarkson. Thank God she still accepts hot dogs as a form of payment . . .

"Jazz hands!"

Simon Cowell is about to get paid . . . 100 million times over. He's getting at least that much to appear on the next season of American Idol. That's in dollars by the way, not pesos. 100 million dollars. In related news, I was legitimately excited today when I found a quarter on the ground at the laundromat. From the New York Post:

Cowell, who reportedly made $36 million last year for judging the hit competition show, has been offered three or four times that amount -- between $100 million and $144 million per year -- by co-producers Fox and 19 Entertainment to stick with "Idol" when his contract expires next May, according to The Guardian, a London newpaper.

Fox declined yesterday to comment about the salary negotiations. While $36 million may seem like a lot of money for five months worth of snarky comments and eye-rolls, it's only a fraction of the estimated $900 million that "Idol" rakes in a year.

If American Idol actually does make $900 million a year, then $100 million to keep Simon is quite a bargain. Why else do people watch that show? For Paula? Randy? That new chick? No, viewers tune in to see dreamers like William Hung make fools out of themselves and to hear Simon rip that dream right out of their assholes. Now, if FOX were smart, they'd up his salary by one more million . . . with the understanding that he wear shirts that fit.

Simon Cowell has a nice house

Simon Cowell's new home in Beverly Hills

NOTE: “. . . is better than you” is a Friday feature showcasing multi-million dollar celebrity homes in the hopes of generating feelings of jealousy, hatred, and animosity towards said celebrity. When you get down to the entertainment-dollar-spending core of it, you helped buy that home. Sucker!

Simon Cowell leaving a party at The Box nightclub in New York (4/3)

My god, are those car keys in Simon's hand? I really hope he didn't drive home. Not because he's drunk, but because he's in a car. You hit a drifter (as I assuming most people do when they're drunk; I hit four last week) and he's going right through your windshield, potentially injuring your passengers and creating one helluva cleanup. When I go clubbing, I won't drive home in anything less than a Hummer or snow plow. You gotta be responsible.

Simon Cowell at the Dorchester Hotel in London (2/9)

You know how you can tell he's drunk but not totally drunk? He's only down to the third button on his shirt. After his tenth brandy, that's when the fourth button is undone and the chest hair comes out to play. Ladies, you better hope you're not wearing panties when that happens because I guarantee you will lose them.

Simon Cowell in Glasgow, Scotland (1/20)

Fuck, I knew I should have asked for a man servant for Christmas and not a PS3. Stupid thing doesn't even know how to make a decent drink.