Simon Cowell

L.A. Reid, Demi Lovato, Simon Cowell, and Britney Spears

In what was the worst kept secret in Hollywood, Britney Spears was officially unveiled as the new X Factor judge yesterday at the Fox Upfront Presentation at Wollman Rink in New York. In a somewhat surprising move, Demi Lovato is joining the show as the fourth judge, so there will be no shortage of crazy on the upcoming season. Simon should probably keep a straightjacket under his judge's chair. Also, just to be safe, Britney and Demi's dressing rooms are going to be entirely padded with no sharp objects or chicken wings within reach. This is gonna be fun.

*27 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Simon Cowell nailed Alicia Douvall 11 times in one night

In an interview with The Sun over the weekend, British model Alicia Douvall revealed that Simon Cowell once banged her 11 times in one night. Whatever, been there done that many tim-- wait, was she conscious? From the tabloid:

Alicia, 32, first met Cowell at a hotel bar in London’s posh Knightsbridge in 2001. The former Playboy TV model said: "On the third or fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night. We went out for dinner and then back to his hotel. We ordered champagne on room service.

"We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes. We had sex in the sitting room, the bedroom and the bathroom and kept going on and on. Every time we had sex he would analyse my performance just like a judge on the TV and say how there could be an improvement next time."

Holy shitballs on a stick, Simon Cowell is the man. This is embarrassing to me. At my very best, I can only shoot 7-8 times a night, so what Cowell is doing is damn impressive. Since Simon is old enough to be my dad I'll assume he had chemical help to keep the ol' English taffy up that long, and he probably has one hell of a quick draw. Yeah, I'll go with that. Shit, 11 times? That's 10 more times than Justin Bieber has dry-humped Selena Gomez. "Cooties!"

*23 Alicia Douvall pictures total in the gallery:

Simon Cowell leaving the Arts Club in London (2/23)

Simon Cowell was nice enough to sneak a woman back to his hotel room for a night of slappin' and ticklin', and then the bitch had to go and rob him. So rude. From The Sun:

[Cowell] met the girl in a nightclub and smuggled her back to his hotel. Next day he woke to find her gone — taking his wallet and a laptop full of show secrets. Cowell’s team called in cops, who used security camera footage to trace the thieving girl. She agreed to return the computer — but kept the cash from his wallet. The robbery — after Cowell had downed too many vodka mixes at Drai’s nightclub in Hollywood — happened last October at a time of crisis in his career over The X Factor in the UK and US.

Simon has to look on the bright side. Most people who get robbed don't get to cum right beforehand. So that's sorta nice. It was almost worth it.

*15 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:

Simon Cowell is drunk

Simon Cowell had a bit too much to drink last night at the Arts Club in London, and as he was leaving at 3am, he accidentally flashed one of his breasts. Aw yeah baby. I feel like I should throw some beads at him.

*15 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:

Simon Cowell is good people

For the terrible rep he has, Simon Cowell is actually a pretty decent dude. He's sorta like brussels sprouts. Seriously, you gotta try these. Fantastic. From Star:

Simon Cowell is feeling extra generous this holiday season. A source tells me the X Factor judge is donating loads of cash to the poor and supplying them with turkey dinners -- plus gift-wrapped toys for underprivileged tots. "He makes these donations through a few of his right-hand men so that he can remain anonymous," says the insider. And that's not all: My source tells me Simon even bought one family a modest home in the suburbs of London last Christmas, after discovering that the clan's patriarch was working two jobs to pay for his oldest son's medical bills. (Print Edition - 12/12)

If you're looking for me to tune up Mr. Cowell a little bit, then you keep on surfing. What can I say about a legit international A-list star that DOESN'T want free publicity for doing something cool? He's a dude's dude. Simon doesn't need photo ops feeding the homeless (like a certain Kardashian we all know) and he certainly isn't adopting savages, but he will drop the cash where needed, just keep it under your hat.  He helps the poor and he's rough on women, like Sinatra and Jesus rolled up in an overly tight shirt. Bless you Simon Cowell.

*20 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:

Simon Cowell leaving NBC Studios in New York (10/4)

I think I finally figured out where Chaz Bono's tits went . . .

*22 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:

Simon Cowell in Miami for The X Factor auditions (6/14)

So apparently Simon Cowell wants to have himself cryogenically frozen when he dies, so he can be brought back to life if the technology is ever developed to do so. Why wait? Let's do it tomorrow! Simon told the September issue of GQ:

"It's an insurance policy," he reasons. "If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it does work, I'll be happy. If it's possible, and I think it will be, why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it's a good idea."

"I have a feeling that if I don't do it now, I could regret this in 300 years' time."

It must be nice to be filthy rich and just blow your money on ridiculous things you've seen in sci-fi movies. When Simon's revived from his hibernation, I hope Jabba the Hut will be there with his minions to watch him fight against the Rancor. That'll teach that smug asshole to cheat death. Doesn't he know only Gods and Dick Clark are allowed to do that?

*21 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:

Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell at the FOX upfront presentation in New York (5/16)

Paula Abdul reuniting with Simon Cowell on The X Factor is going about as well as Jessica Simpson trying to calculate a the tip at a restaurant. "Numbers are dang hard!" A set insider told the National Enquirer:

"They seemed to be fighting over the direction the show is supposed to take. Paula shouted at Simon, 'This isn't "Idol" - you can't make the kids go home hating themselves!' It got so heated that they moved it into the dressing room and it lasted for almost an hour. After Paula finally emerged, her eyes were red and teary like she'd been crying and Simon was sweating profusely. Their makeup was running. They both had to have it redone."

Either the producers of this show are complete idiots that are shocked by all this over-the-top drama, or they're actually cunning geniuses that knew this would happen and are milking Paula's predictable break-downs for as much publicity as possible. Considering Simon Cowell is involved, I'll go with the latter. If that guy was able to convince the American public that man-boobs were acceptable for nine seasons, he can do anything.

*15 Simon and Paula pictures total in the gallery:

Simon Cowell leaving the "Pride of Britain Awards" in London (11/8)

+ I am annoyed by everything this chick says and does [Just Jared]

+ The most average girl in the world [Drunken Stepfather]
+ This chick's been around the block more than my mailman [PopEater]
+ Eva Mendes has seriously sexy curves [Popoholic]
+ It's Demi Moore's boobs! (NSFW) [TaxiDriverMovie]

+ Excuse me sir, that's sexual harassment [Cele|bitchy]
+ Sarah Alize has some huge knockers [Holy Taco]
+ A 23rd season? Damn. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
+ This family is so effed up [I'm Not Obsessed]

LIST OF THE DAY: The Best Selling Movie Soundtracks of All Time

*4 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:

Simon Cowell and Mezhgan Hussainy leaving the VIP Room in St. Tropez (8/8)

Simon Cowell loves the ladies as much as K-Fed loves cake, so it was kind of a surprise back in March when he got engaged to his fling-of-the-moment Mezhgan Hussainy. Fear not Simon's penis, order in the Universe has been restored -- Mezhgan's about to get dumped. From the Chicago Sun Times:

More Tinseltown buzz I heard over the weekend was about Simon Cowell. Not only does the TV and music mogul regret his quickie engagement last March to Mezhgan Hussainy, he's drawn up a very generous financial settlement for the former "American Idol" makeup artist to cover both a "temporary break" from their relationship and the expected permanent split that's coming.

Nothing says "true love" more like legal documents written up by your spouse's team of lawyers. Ladies, let this be a lesson for all of you. If it's your birthday and, instead of that necklace from Tiffany & Co. you've been wanting, your husband gives you a certified delivery from Cohen, Weinstein, and Katz -- you might want to start looking into how much the local gym is charging for a membership, hint hint.

*10 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery: