Simon Cowell arriving on a flight at LAX airport
Simon Cowell is real sorry about being attracted to his good friend Andrew Silverman's wife Lauren. And then hitting on her. And then kissing her. And then having sex with her. And then impregnating her. And then getting engaged to her. Really really sorry. He told the Mirror
"I regret that part. But then of course you have a baby and you look at the baby and you kinda go 'this is what happened from it'. In this situation you are not going to come out of this well because of the circumstances. It is not something I am proud of or wanted to happen in terms of hurting anyone.
"It just happened. You have to deal with it and man up to it. You have to accept the responsibility and the criticism. All I can say is, my advice to you is if it happens to you, you just have to deal with it a day at a time and own up to your responsibilities."
From the Draft folder in Simon Cowell's Gmail account:Hey buddy,
You know how we've been hanging out on your yacht, eating, partying, and having a really good time with your family? Well, even though you welcomed me into your home like only a best friend can do, I've been feeling a bit blue ever since I left that ratings powerhouse and started my own American Idol ripoff show, The X-Factor. Well, I sought professional help for my depression. I'm in a much better place mentally, and I'm truly happy for the first time in my life. I guess that's all I wanted to get off my chest . . . besides . . . oh yeah, I've been fucking your wife sans condom every time you turn around so she's gonna have my kid and she's leaving you and she's taking you for everything you have. Cheers, mate!
I'm guessing Simon never sent that email.
*15 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell's dogs attacking a paparazzo in Miami
Simon Cowell, his fiancee, and his dogs have been on vacation in Miami for about the past week or so. They've been followed by a ton of paparazzi, but they've only attacked the black one. Hmmm, so I guess you can train yorkies to be racist. I hope you're happy, Simon. Dick
.*30 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:
Lauren Silverman in Miami
I don't know how the hell Simon Cowell's baby mama Lauren Silverman didn't have a wardrobe malfunction earlier this week in Miami. I mean, those are some enormous cans she's keeping under wraps. She's like the anti-Britney Spears. Britney could have a wardrobe malfunction in a zipped-up parka.
*30 Lauren Silverman pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell's Range Rover outside Lenox Hill Hospital in New York
You may have heard that Simon Cowell's girlfriend/fiancee/lover Lauren Silverman had a baby over the weekend; if you haven't yet, I'm delighted to be the first to tell you that Simon Cowell's girlfriend/fiancee/lover Lauren Silverman had a baby over the weekend (a nice and skinny one, probably
says Simon received special treatment at the hospital and was allowed to park directly in the loading dock for ambulances. A rich man received preferential treatment in society? Well I never! Somebody needs to get to the bottom of this!
*5 Simon Cowell Range Rover pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell leaving Barne's New York in Beverly Hills
Is cigarette smoke still bad for pregnant women? Okay, just checking. On the bright side, at least Simon's baby will be skinny. Nothing worse than a fat little baby.*25 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell and his Bugatti Veyron
Is there such a thing as too much money? Simon Cowell admitted to Ellen Degeneres on her show that he's only driven his $1.7 million Bugatti Veyron twice. Well, duh. Thing gets like 8 miles/gallon. Via the Daily Mail
Simon said he bought the black car in 2010 after seeing it in a showroom in Beverly Hills, California, adding, "It was beckoning me to buy it. Seriously."
But, like all good game shows, he phoned a friend and asked whether he should splash the cash. The friend said yes, "So, the following day I walked in and bought it."
In fact, Simon rarely drives himself and when Ellen asked how many times he had taken his fancy car for a spin he said, "Twice."
You know what? I'm good with this. Normally this is the part where I'd advise Simon to save the cash for a rainy day, but I'm turning a new leaf for the holidays so my critique will be nothing but positivity. Cowell earned that money by being a total dick on American Idol
and his ripoff show, so why shouldn't he spend it while he still can? Once Simon decided to not kick the gold digger
square in the belly back in March, half of that money became hers, anyways. The note on his $2 million midlife crisis car will be a mere bag of shells when compared to the next 20 years of child support payments. Oh wait, maybe Simon thinks his best friend's wife
was into him because he's such a nice guy and not because she enjoys throwing bricks of cash at the help.*15 Simon Cowell Bugatti Veyron pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell leaving his apartment in New York
Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend Sinitta revealed to The Mirror
over the weekend that Simon knocked her up in 2009, but she never told him and had an abortion. Because why would you want to have some obscenely rich guy's baby? That's just crazy talk.
Sinitta - who since adopted two children - said "yes" when she was asked if Simon was the dad and claimed she no longer feels "cursed" by her decision.
She added: "I know the curse has been lifted because I have been blessed with children and now Simon is too, plus God forgives. I don't think there was ever a curse really - I was just talking about my thoughts at the time."
Friends suggest the 53-year-old star had never known about the abortion, while an insider has claimed Sinitta has been very "emotional" about the news Simon is to become a father for the first time.
The source said: "It is an emotional time for her. She is happy for Simon about him becoming a father but was disappointed he did not confide in her earlier about Lauren and their relationship. They are very close and always will be. They could have been parents together once and there is a bond between them. Sinitta will always have huge affection for Simon. They grew up together and are friends for life. You can understand why this is such a difficult time for her."
If Sinitta doesn't feel cursed that she killed Simon's baby, then she really is an idiot. Back when I was interning as a mercenary working the jungles of Southeast Asia, one of my duties was to set land mines that could blow Charlie's legs off, not to give him bags of candy. Since Simon is worth something north of $350 million, I'd say that Sinitta blew her own legs off when she vacuumed Lil' Simon version 1.1 into a biohazard bucket. Keep adopting orphans, though -- I'm sure they'll fill the gaping hole where $95m/year could have been.*5 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman on the set of The X Factor in L.A.
Even though she's a confirmed gold digger, Simon Cowell's evil genius
baby mama Lauren Silverman doesn't want people to think she's a gold digger so she's devised an ingenious plan to actually be photographed with Simon in public. My god. How brilliant. From the New York Daily News
We hear [Lauren Silverman] begged Cowell to be photographed with her publicly when the duo took a romantic trip to the South of France in August. Silverman, a snitch tells us, wanted to prove the pair are a happy couple and is desperate to shed her gold-digger image.
"Lauren doesn't like it when you guys write she is a gold-digger, so she got Simon to arrange for all these photos where he appears to be really into her," said a source close to Cowell. "Haven't you noticed it has been a PDA overload? It is a sham. It works for Simon, though, as he doesn't want people thinking he is this playboy who isn't going to be a good dad."
Definition of "gold digger" (from merriam-webster.com):
1: one who digs for gold
2: a person who uses charm to extract money or gifts from others (see: Silverman, Lauren; Loeb, Nick; Fed, K)
OK, just so we're all on the same page, Lauren Silverman trapped her rich husband's much richer and more famouser best friend with her taco, but we're to understand that she's not a gold digger? I guess I'd better fire off a complaint to the Merriam-Webster nerds, because the online definition of gold digger is way off. I sure would like to know what Lauren thinks a gold digger is because for someone who claims not to be one, there sure is a lot of sparkling yellow on her shovel (stand down, Kardashian -- I'm talking about ore, not showers).*15 Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell leaving a party in London
I guess Simon Cowell is really serious about Lauren Silverman -- he's introducing her to his mom. Awk. Ward. "So you're the married woman who tricked my son into knocking her up?" A source told Closer magazine
"Lauren is flying to the UK to be formally introduced to Simon's mum. He's more nervous about that than becoming a dad! Simon's mum is the boss. He wants her approval, and for Lauren and Julie to become close. It means everything to him that the two most important women in his life form a good bond.
"Simon sees Lauren as family now and says they have a bond for life. He wants to do everything in his power to honour her and their child. Simon's playing his cards close to his chest, but it's clear he has deep feelings for Lauren. Marriage isn't such an off-limits idea and Simon's mum would want that for him."
Well, this should be fun. So am I to believe that Simon is just an old-fashioned type of fella, a good guy doing good deeds? Sorry Charlie, the "Simon Cowell, Good Guy" boat raised anchor and left port the second he slipped into his best friend's wife. Simon has really lowered my opinion of British culture. England gave us the good stuff like Ozzie Osbourne, slavery, and Earl Grey tea, but the cuckolding is something America could have done without . . . oh, and slavery . . . yeah, that's probably a bad thing.*10 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman in St. Tropez
After rumors that he wasn't, then he was, then he wasn't
, it turns out that Simon Cowell is dating his friend Andrew's wife that he knocked up
, Lauren Silverman. The two were spotted walking around St. Tropez holding hands and kissing
. At one point, Simon stopped to use a bathroom and Lauren went and fucked one of his friends. I mean, right? That's her thing, right?*30 Lauren Silverman pictures total in the gallery: