Simon Cowell and his Bugatti Veyron
Is there such a thing as too much money? Simon Cowell admitted to Ellen Degeneres on her show that he's only driven his $1.7 million Bugatti Veyron twice. Well, duh. Thing gets like 8 miles/gallon. Via the Daily Mail
Simon said he bought the black car in 2010 after seeing it in a showroom in Beverly Hills, California, adding, "It was beckoning me to buy it. Seriously."
But, like all good game shows, he phoned a friend and asked whether he should splash the cash. The friend said yes, "So, the following day I walked in and bought it."
In fact, Simon rarely drives himself and when Ellen asked how many times he had taken his fancy car for a spin he said, "Twice."
You know what? I'm good with this. Normally this is the part where I'd advise Simon to save the cash for a rainy day, but I'm turning a new leaf for the holidays so my critique will be nothing but positivity. Cowell earned that money by being a total dick on American Idol
and his ripoff show, so why shouldn't he spend it while he still can? Once Simon decided to not kick the gold digger
square in the belly back in March, half of that money became hers, anyways. The note on his $2 million midlife crisis car will be a mere bag of shells when compared to the next 20 years of child support payments. Oh wait, maybe Simon thinks his best friend's wife
was into him because he's such a nice guy and not because she enjoys throwing bricks of cash at the help.*15 Simon Cowell Bugatti Veyron pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell leaving his apartment in New York
Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend Sinitta revealed to The Mirror
over the weekend that Simon knocked her up in 2009, but she never told him and had an abortion. Because why would you want to have some obscenely rich guy's baby? That's just crazy talk.
Sinitta - who since adopted two children - said "yes" when she was asked if Simon was the dad and claimed she no longer feels "cursed" by her decision.
She added: "I know the curse has been lifted because I have been blessed with children and now Simon is too, plus God forgives. I don't think there was ever a curse really - I was just talking about my thoughts at the time."
Friends suggest the 53-year-old star had never known about the abortion, while an insider has claimed Sinitta has been very "emotional" about the news Simon is to become a father for the first time.
The source said: "It is an emotional time for her. She is happy for Simon about him becoming a father but was disappointed he did not confide in her earlier about Lauren and their relationship. They are very close and always will be. They could have been parents together once and there is a bond between them. Sinitta will always have huge affection for Simon. They grew up together and are friends for life. You can understand why this is such a difficult time for her."
If Sinitta doesn't feel cursed that she killed Simon's baby, then she really is an idiot. Back when I was interning as a mercenary working the jungles of Southeast Asia, one of my duties was to set land mines that could blow Charlie's legs off, not to give him bags of candy. Since Simon is worth something north of $350 million, I'd say that Sinitta blew her own legs off when she vacuumed Lil' Simon version 1.1 into a biohazard bucket. Keep adopting orphans, though -- I'm sure they'll fill the gaping hole where $95m/year could have been.*5 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman on the set of The X Factor in L.A.
Even though she's a confirmed gold digger, Simon Cowell's evil genius
baby mama Lauren Silverman doesn't want people to think she's a gold digger so she's devised an ingenious plan to actually be photographed with Simon in public. My god. How brilliant. From the New York Daily News
We hear [Lauren Silverman] begged Cowell to be photographed with her publicly when the duo took a romantic trip to the South of France in August. Silverman, a snitch tells us, wanted to prove the pair are a happy couple and is desperate to shed her gold-digger image.
"Lauren doesn't like it when you guys write she is a gold-digger, so she got Simon to arrange for all these photos where he appears to be really into her," said a source close to Cowell. "Haven't you noticed it has been a PDA overload? It is a sham. It works for Simon, though, as he doesn't want people thinking he is this playboy who isn't going to be a good dad."
Definition of "gold digger" (from merriam-webster.com):
1: one who digs for gold
2: a person who uses charm to extract money or gifts from others (see: Silverman, Lauren; Loeb, Nick; Fed, K)
OK, just so we're all on the same page, Lauren Silverman trapped her rich husband's much richer and more famouser best friend with her taco, but we're to understand that she's not a gold digger? I guess I'd better fire off a complaint to the Merriam-Webster nerds, because the online definition of gold digger is way off. I sure would like to know what Lauren thinks a gold digger is because for someone who claims not to be one, there sure is a lot of sparkling yellow on her shovel (stand down, Kardashian -- I'm talking about ore, not showers).*15 Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell leaving a party in London
I guess Simon Cowell is really serious about Lauren Silverman -- he's introducing her to his mom. Awk. Ward. "So you're the married woman who tricked my son into knocking her up?" A source told Closer magazine
"Lauren is flying to the UK to be formally introduced to Simon's mum. He's more nervous about that than becoming a dad! Simon's mum is the boss. He wants her approval, and for Lauren and Julie to become close. It means everything to him that the two most important women in his life form a good bond.
"Simon sees Lauren as family now and says they have a bond for life. He wants to do everything in his power to honour her and their child. Simon's playing his cards close to his chest, but it's clear he has deep feelings for Lauren. Marriage isn't such an off-limits idea and Simon's mum would want that for him."
Well, this should be fun. So am I to believe that Simon is just an old-fashioned type of fella, a good guy doing good deeds? Sorry Charlie, the "Simon Cowell, Good Guy" boat raised anchor and left port the second he slipped into his best friend's wife. Simon has really lowered my opinion of British culture. England gave us the good stuff like Ozzie Osbourne, slavery, and Earl Grey tea, but the cuckolding is something America could have done without . . . oh, and slavery . . . yeah, that's probably a bad thing.*10 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman in St. Tropez
After rumors that he wasn't, then he was, then he wasn't
, it turns out that Simon Cowell is dating his friend Andrew's wife that he knocked up
, Lauren Silverman. The two were spotted walking around St. Tropez holding hands and kissing
. At one point, Simon stopped to use a bathroom and Lauren went and fucked one of his friends. I mean, right? That's her thing, right?*30 Lauren Silverman pictures total in the gallery:
Lauren Silverman leaves Sant Ambroeus restaurant in Southampton, New York
Lauren Silverman's plan is coming together nicely. First she tricked
Simon Cowell into impregnating her. And now she's profiting handsomely in the form of a free Beverly Hills mansion. It's like the stuff of fairy tales . . . deceiving, whorish fairy tales. From the Mirror
Simon Cowell is handing over a [$15 million] pad to Lauren Silverman so she can bring up his baby in Los Angeles. But the deal doesn't mean he will get back with pregnant Lauren as it's the same tactic he has used when ditching previous girlfriends ... it is understood he will continue to live in another property nearby, visiting the child when he can.
A US property source, who has dealt with the music mogul, said: "Simon has amassed a lot of houses with his fortune and will want to provide for his child. But he seems to give away a house every time he splits from a girlfriend, so he is getting through them more quickly than he thought.
"He has instructed his advisers to let Lauren have the house, which means she can be nearby but crucially not too close so he can get on with his work and usual lifestyle. Simon has lots of housing in Beverly Hills all close to each other and now lots of it contain his exes."
Wait, so Lauren Silverman took load after load from her husband's best friend in the world because she wanted a bigger house? She's not climbing the property ladder -- she's fucking it. I guess this confirms that her marriage to the cuckold was definitely over because Lauren could have bought a very nice house in an up-and-coming city called Detroit for $500 without trampling on the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony. See, gays? This is why I don't vote on your special interest issue -- I'd rather keep big brother out of the bedroom and rest stops. As Confucius say: If you want nice house, avoid marriage; if you want long life, avoid marriage; hey dummy, avoid marriage.*15 Lauren Silverman pictures total in the gallery:
Lauren Silverman leaving her mom's home in the Hamptons
According to The Mirror
, Simon Cowell only found out that Lauren Silverman was pregnant with his love child
two weeks after he'd dumped her. And of course, she's been married to Simon's friend Andrew this whole time, so it should be pretty interesting when this kid Google's his name in a few years -- and by "interesting" I mean "horrible depressing." A friend told the tabloid:
"The pregnancy has taken him by surprise. He assumed she was using birth control. Simon thought this was a casual relationship -- friends with benefits. The pregnancy was not planned. He is feeling tricked."
And another friend added: "He is excited about the baby and being a father and really will be as involved in the baby's life as he possibly can be. He'll support Lauren. But beyond that, everything else about the whole situation is very, very complicated and Simon is feeling in a real state and a bit down. The baby is great and exciting but it is the circumstances in which it has all happened. It's not the way he would have wanted it to happen. He doesn't know whether he has been set up or whether it is just one of those things."
Hey, remember the good ol' days of Celebslam when we covered cutesy stories like Heidi Klum's love of big black dongs
and J.Lo shaking her ample moneymaker for bloodthirsty Soviet Bloc dictators
? Well those days are over and it's onto serious shit now. Did Lauren Silverman pull the goalie
on Simon Cowell? Yeah, probably. Does Simon deserve the next 18 years of misery that's coming his way? Yeah, probably. This is karma's way of resetting the Universe after a dick like Simon swooped in on his buddy's chick. It's not only a shitty thing to do to strangers, it's the one rule that every culture agrees on: Thou shalt not splooge in thy neighbor's married pussy, so let it be written, so let it be done, amen. Trust me, it's in every holy manuscript ever written. Hell, L. Ron Hubbard even put it in the greatest sci fi book ever written on an acid trip: the Scientology bible.*30 Lauren Silverman pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell, Lauren Silverman, and Andrew Silverman in St. Barts in January, 2012
I don't know what you were up to in late May of this year, but Simon Cowell was busy impregnating his friend Andrew Silverman's wife Lauren. That's Simon, Lauren (in the striped bikini), and Steve in St. Barts last year, during happier, non-cheating, non-backstabbing times. From Us Weekly
"She's around 10 weeks along," the insider shares. And that's only part of the story.
Silverman, 36, is technically still married -- to Cowell's close friend Andrew Silverman, a real estate mogul in NYC. She plans to leave her estranged husband to be with the father of her child.
"Lauren and Andrew have been unhappy in their marriage for some time, and their divorce has been in the works for a while," a source tells Us. "As their marriage deteriorated, she and Simon became close."
I love how Us Weekly
's source makes it seem like this situation is totally alright because Andrew and Lauren were both "unhappy" in the marriage. It doesn't matter. I don't care how sexy you think your chest hair is, you do not fuck your friend's wife. Or even ex-wife. Off limits. Consider their vaginas to be Chernobyl, a radioactive wasteland best left for others to explore. So basically, Tara Reid.*15 Simon Cowell and Lauren Silverman pictures total in the gallery:
Simon Cowell leaving the 45 Park Lane Hotel in London
You can tell Simon Cowell is really drunk because he popped that fifth button on his shirt. Simon Cowell never goes five button in public. Someone get that man some water and Dina Lohan. I would totally hit that
shit if I was that drunk, and you would, too, you liar.*5 Simon Cowell pictures total in the gallery:
Carmen Electra at the Conair Style360 Launch Party at the Sanctuary Hotel in New York
After humping for the last few months, Simon Cowell and Carmen Electra have moved on from each other -- Simon to his fabulous mansion in Beverly Hills, and Carmen, presumably, to her one bedroom apartment in North Hollywood. From the Mirror
Simon Cowell is looking for love with a British woman -- after splitting with Hollywood beauty Carmen Electra. He dated Baywatch star Carmen, 40, after meeting her when she was a judge on last year's Britain's Got Talent. Now he says they are just good friends - like all the girls who have been romanced by one of Britain's most eligible bachelors.
Simon said: "I'm now a single man. We spent time together and she is so much fun. But I'd like to find a girlfriend. I do particularly like British women but I haven't got my eye on anyone."
Well of course Simon is finished with Carmen Electra. What was he supposed to do, marry her? Please. Carmen was married to Dennis Rodman and Dave Navarro -- her spot on the professional beard hall of fame has been cemented. Getting hitched to another "eligible bachelor" is akin to beating a dead horse. Simon might as well move on to another easy win, and Carmen can rent her services to some other dude with a secret to protect. Bieber, the spotlight is shining right on you, buddy.*20 Carmen Electra pictures total in the gallery: