I thought we were done with this last week but I guess not. UK tabloid The Sun is still claiming that the blurry pic above is Lindsay Lohan. They say ex-boyfriend Calum Best filmed her with his phone and then forwarded it on to one of his friends. A source claims they heard Lindsay leave the following message on Calum's phone:
"I should never have fucking trusted you. It's everywhere now, all over the net, everyone's seen it, how fucking could you?" (Source)
I felt the same way about that powerlifting clip of me that hit YouTube. I was happy enough being a local hero. I never wanted to be an internet sensation. To tell you the truth, I kinda miss those days when I actually had to introduce myself to a woman before she thrust herself upon me.
BONUS PICS: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson leaving Villa Lounge in West Hollywood last night
I know you guys are dying to know the latest gossip about Spencer Pratt from MTV's The Hills. Really what's not to love about the guy--there's his . . . uhhh, he's . . . who can forget about his . . . just a minute, something should come to me . . . damn, nothing. Moving along, a source told the National Enquirer's Mike Walker that Spencer has been quietly shopping a sex tape featuring him and a few friends:
Spencer's actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er . . . hills and valleys of some smokin' hot Brazilian babes! (Note to Spencer's fiancee, Heidi Monta: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was "stolen," al la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. (Source)
Releasing a "stolen" sex tape is soooo last year. If this guy really wants to generate some publicity for himself, he should abuse some children (e.g. Britney Spears) or get himself thrown in jail (e.g. Paris, Nicole, Mel, L'il Kim, Michelle Rodriguez, et al.). That way he can come out of prison with some street cred . . . and with those lips, probably lock jaw. Besides, for someone who wants so much attention I get the feeling he'd be VERY popular in jail--and by "he" I mean his butt.
Didn't we already go through this last week? Looks like yet another Britney Spears sex tape may soon hit the market. From UK tabloid The Sun:
Britney Spears may face a new sex tape scandal after it has emerged that kinky videos and photographs were among the items stolen from the star's Los Angeles home this weekend. Britney is allegedly distraught after the gang made off with a number of personal items, including a dominatrix-style outfit, after breaking into her £6million Beverly Hills pad. A source says:
"Britney is beside herself with worry - having your home broken into is bad enough for anybody, but when you're famous and you have had some pretty personal things taken, it's ten times worse. These guys went first for all Britney's personal stuff. They seemed to know in the long run this will be worth far more to them, if they can sell it to the highest bidder." (Source)
Literally the only thing I'd rather see less than a Britney Spears sex tape is my grandparents going at it. And I guarantee you my grandma looks better in a dominatrix outfit than Britney. My grandpa's the one I can't get over--I'd hate to see him naked. Fatty.
Some "mystery dude" is supposedly shopping a sex tape he made with Britney Spears earlier this year in Hawaii. The guy claims the only reason he didn't come out with this earlier is because he was unhappy with his own performance. He told In Touch Weekly:
"It was just normal sex, we didn't do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out."
The 28-year-old reveals he was living on Hawaii's Big Island when he met Spears at a bar on June 7. They retired to her room at the Four Seasons hotel on the Kona-Kohala Coast and made love. The mystery lover admits Spears had no knowledge he was filming their sex session. (Source)
The 1999 version of myself just set off fireworks over his house and is taking tomorrow off from work to prepare himself mentally for the existence of a Britney Spears sex tape. The 2007 version of myself just scratched his ass and is thinking about ordering a pizza for dinner.
Don't worry you're not gonna get fired if you watch it. The actual sex tape is nothing more than a spoof from Will Ferrel's site Funny Or Die. My faith in random speculation and mongering about celebrity sex tapes that almost certainly don't exist is more than a little shaken this morning. It's time to start reevaluating things.
UK tabloid The Sun is reporting that an Eva Longoria sex tape has hit the Internet:
Eva Longoria is reportedly the latest celebrity to have a sex tape circulating the Internet. Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby Tony Parker. If the tape is genuine, it is tipped to become the biggest sex tape unearthed since Paris Hilton's One Night In Paris. Latest reports from the States suggest the video HAS made its way online, but only on paid for sites. (Source)
The odds of this sex tape actually existing are currently hovering between zero and a number smaller than zero. And that's a good thing. Despite what Stuff and Maxim editors tell us, Eva Longoria is a pretty average looking women. Sure she looks great with makeup but so does my pillow. Plus she's barely five feet tall. In other words she's perfect for my grade school fantasy! In it I play the creepy principal whose a little bit too touchy-feely with the female students. Eva plays the popular girl sent to my office for mouthing off to the teacher. Then I make fun of her for being short and ugly. The end.
