Sean Preston Federline

Britney Spears and her son Jayden visiting the Sydney Aquarium last November

Britney Spears is allegedly under investigation by the Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services after former bodyguard Fernando Flores (the same guy who's suing her for sexual harassment) claims he witnessed her abuse her two sons Sean and Jayden. From The Sun:

Social workers will quiz her over claims she beat one with a belt and gave both food they were allergic to - making them violently ill. Investigators were approached by the singer's former bodyguard Fernando Flores - who claims he was forced to quit his job due to Britney's erratic behaviour

A source said: "Britney doesn't mean to be a bad mum. But Flores feels she has so many issues she can't be trusted around her boys. He claims the first really shocking incident was when she came marching into the pool house at her mansion and demanded his belt. He handed it over but then followed her into the main house and claims he witnessed the alleged incident."

Flores also accused Britney of feeding the boys food they were allergic to, including shellfish. The alleged incidents took place in late March or early April. Child protection agency workers tried to quiz her last week but she had left LA for a few days.

This is completely ridiculous. First of all, Britney can't even pronounce "shellfish" (she calls it "selfish") so I highly doubt she's feeding it to her kids. And secondly, there isn't a belt within 50 yards of Britney's house. She demands that everyone uses rope to help make her feel "more at home." This guy's obviously trying to tarnish the name and reputation of Britney. Dammit, her label Jive Records spent years building that! I simply will not stand for this! *angrily shakes fist at monitor*

*25 pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears and Sean Preston Federline in on a boat in Sydney Harbour (11/15)

Uh oh, Sean is looking more and more like his dad K-Fed every day. Actually, K-Fed and his son have more in common than you might think. They're both out of work, they love Budweiser, and they both depend on Britney Spears to stay alive. God damn leeches. Get a job.

Britney Spears kids Jayden and Sean in Miami (9/3)

At what age do you think Britney Spears' kids will realize that they do not in fact have two black fathers and a Costa Rican mother? 9? 10?

Britney Spears and her son Jayden James at the London Zoo (6/16)

Fuck, the picture gave it away, didn't it? Dammit, I'm such an idiot. From the New York Daily News:

Britney Spears' tots have definitely hit the terrible twos and threes, if their language is any indication. While the singer picked up goodies at a swag suite in L.A. last week, Sean Preston, 3, and Jayden James, 2, shocked guests by repeatedly yelling, "Oh shit!"

"We were all surprised by their potty mouths, but it was actually pretty funny," one onlooker acknowledged.

How did Britney respond to her sons' antics? Said the source: "She was too busy picking out freebies to chastise the boys for misbehaving."

Is anyone really shocked by this story? What's more surprising is that Jayden and Sean haven't completely followed in their parents' footsteps and started smoking, flashing their genitals, or knocking up other toddlers yet. Sadly, a story about these two cursing will one day probably seem quaint. By the time they're teenagers, we'll be reminiscing about the good ol' days when they were "just" swearing and not overdosing, getting blackout drunk, or failing to post bail.

Britney Jayden and Sean in the Bahamas (5/21)

Britney Spears' sons Jayden and Sean left a path of destruction in their wake earlier this month during her tour stop in Connecticut. The boys went rock star (minus the smashed guitar and naked, passed out groupies) on a $2k/night suite at the Mohegan Sun resort. A hotel employee told the Globe:

"The boys pulled down the silk drapes and broke an expensive vase in the living room. They also left crayon marks all over the walls. One of the boys messed in his pants while in the pool — leaving other swimmers horrified."

Wow, this is really poor parenting. Esmeralda -- Britney's maid -- should be absolutely ashamed of herself.

Britney Spears with Jayden and Sean in September 2007

It's official: Britney Spears' kids are gonna be raised by hung-over roadies for the next year. She's bringing both of them along on her worldwide tour, which kicks off early next month in New Orleans. Alternate headline: NO YOU CRAZY BITCH, NOOOOOOO!!! From Us Weekly:

Britney Spears will have her babies on board! The pop star has finally gotten her way after rumors circulated that she threatened to cancel her upcoming tour if she was not allowed to bring her sons.

"Both Sean Preston and Jayden James will, in fact, be joining Britney throughout the duration of her tour," her official website states.

Spears was planning to cancel her upcoming Circus tour if her ex-husband Kevin Federline's lawyers continued to block an agreement that would allow her to take her sons on the road.

For weeks, Spears, Federline and Spears' father Jamie had been privately planning to let the two boys travel with Spears on the tour. According to TMZ.com, the pop star would have homes in three cities -- New Jersey, New Orleans and Los Angeles -- so that the children could stay nearby while Spears commuted back and forth from regional concert venues.

Additionally, the agreement allowed Kevin to receive at least $4,000 each week that Spears is on tour and that he would receive his own home in each of the three predetermined cities as well, reported TMZ Monday. (Source)

Britney threatened to cancel her tour if the kids weren't allowed to come? No wonder K-Fed gave in. It's simple supply-side economics: If Britney doesn't tour, she doesn't make money, which means K-Fed doesn't get paid, which means dozens of Vegas strippers are left homeless without tuition money having to get a job that requires underwear. Frankly, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke should be thanking Britney. Her tour is paying to keep the lights* on in Vegas.

*especially the red ones