Seal

Heidi Klum out and about in Los Angeles (1/14)

Things have taken a turn for the awesome in the Heidi Klum/Seal divorce. His shit should be getting thrown on the lawn any second now. From the Chicago Sun Times:

After saying they planned on an "amicable" divorce, Seal and Heidi Klum are taking their breakup in an ugly direction.There seem to be issues over money and child custody issues — plus it's rumored the public statement by Seal's ex-girlfriend, Tatiana Patitz, about his "uncontrollable temper" may have been urged by the Klum camp to help strengthen her negotiating position as the couple hammer out their divorce.

Patitz, like Klum a German model, told InTouch magazine Seal "is not a nice person. He has anger issues ... definitely not someone who I think of fondly anymore."

Wait, do you mean to tell the world that a marriage based on dick size was doomed for failure? It certainly wasn't based on being an equal partnership, that's for sure. Here's the tale of the tape:

• Heidi: Successful model, TV host, endorsement whore
• Seal: Huge hog, ugly as hell, living off 20-year-old "Kiss from a Rose"

Guess which one is gonna pay alimony? Trick question -- of course it'll be Seal. Heidi will make Seal pay for denying access to his giant black radiator hose. You DO NOT cross the Germans, that's someone you just don't do.

*15 Heidi Klum pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum and Seal in Sardinia last August

In 2004, Seal proposed to Heidi Klum in a specially-built igloo on a 14,000-ft.-high glacier in Whistler, B.C.:

"[Seal] took me by helicopter. He had an igloo built there, and they'd brought up everything: a bed with sheets inside the igloo, rose petals everywhere, candles. Very, very romantic!"

Topping the setting was the ring -- a 10-carat oval cut yellow diamond rumored to cost $1.5 million. In other words, if only Seal had been a *little* bit more romantic, then the two might not have announced their split over the weekend. In a statement, they said:

"While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy."

Early reports indicate that Heidi's divorcing Seal because his cock isn't as big as mine. Well if that's the case Heidi, then I doubt you're going to be happy with anyone.

*25 Heidi Klum and Seal pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum is rather attractive

I really should climb out of the crawl space and spend more time actually in Heidi Klum's house -- especially her sexy bedroom with all the nude pictures hanging. It's basically a 15-year-old boy's room, minus the expensive frames. From the San Francisco Chronicle:

Seal and Heidi Klum are to bare all in a revealing new video. The couple has filmed the promo for Seal's new single, "Secret" from their bed. And Klum insists she and her husband were naked under the covers.

She tells Us Weekly magazine, "It's the story of two people in love. My husband is what I always wanted and never thought I would have. The song, the movie, it's the story of our love."

The couple is often nude at home and has a collection of tasteful nude photographs of themselves hanging up in their master bedroom.

If you're always "nude at home," you don't need to have naked photos of yourself hanging in your bedroom. You just need to do what most civilized parents do: hang a mirror from the ceiling. And handcuffs, whips, strap-ons, ballgags, and Mexican wrestling masks from the wall. And a weird leather swing in the corner. Wait, your parents did that, too, right? Right?

NOTE: To see the uncensored Heidi Klum nude pictures, click the picture above or any thumbnail with a yellow star on it and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

*16 Heidi Klum pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum Halloween Costume

Heidi Klum and Seal at their annual Halloween Party in West Hollywood (10/31)