Sarah Jessica Parker


That is not Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Jessica Parker appears on the cover of the October issue of Elle, and I think a good way to get rich is to be the guy that does all the photoshopping at Elle. I mean, do they think we're stupid? My car looks more like Sarah Jessica Parker than these pictures do. My car.

*5 Sarah Jessica Parker pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sarah Jessica Parker Heavy Photoshop 1
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Heavy Photoshop 2
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Heavy Photoshop 3
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Heavy Photoshop 4
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Heavy Photoshop 5

Sarah Jessica Parker is fug

PICTURED: Sarah Jessica Parker arriving at the Louis Vuitton show in Paris today wearing a sheer top; confusion; bewilderment; horror; anger

*10 Sarah Jessica Parker pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 1
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 2
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 3
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 4
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 5
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 6
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 7
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 8
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 9
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Fashion Week 10

Sarah Jessica Parker at the 2011 UNICEF Snowflake Ball at Cipriani in New York (11/29)

Sarah Jessica Parker -- who, mind you, is married -- just bought her own stable apartment in New York. When asked if he was happy about the purchase, Sarah's husband Matthew Broderick replied, "Neigh." [INSERT ADDITIONAL HORSE PUN HERE] From In Touch Weekly:
Sarah Jessica Parker has officially pulled a Carrie Bradshaw: The superstar actress, 46, just got her own apartment in New York City, blocks away from the townhouse she shares with hubby Matthew Broderick and their kids James, 9, and twins Tabitha and Marion, 2.

"Sarah got herself an apartment that's just for her," says an insider to In Touch. "She met with the co-op board and said she needed a place to work in peace." The insider adds Sarah Jessica likes to write, and it's impossible with toddlers. "She can afford the luxury of more than one home."
Kind of a non-story, don't you think? Of course Carrie moved out Ferris Bueller and those offspring. Nannies be damned, it's pretty common knowledge that all women abandon their families to work on their writing, and rumor has it that SJP is famous for her writing sessions. She's written about anything you can think of, all night long and all the live-long day. She's written about men and women -- White, African-American, Islanders, you name it. Sarah's written about animals, too; everything from dogs to electric eels; her specialty being horses, of course. So before we judge Carrie, lets see you get some writing done with your husband and children in the other room, crying from humiliation. Oh, I just want to make sure we're on the same page here. You do know that I'm saying "writing," when I actually mean "fucking," right?

*21 Sarah Jessica Parker pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 1
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 2
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 3
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 4
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 5
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 6
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 7
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 8
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 9
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 10
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 11
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 12
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 13
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 14
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 15
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 16
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 17
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 18
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 19
  • Sarah Jessica Parker New Apartment 20

Sarah Jessica Parker at the Oaks Club Ladies Luncheon in Melbourne, Australia (11/1)

MY CAPTION: Sarah Jessica Parker now gets over 500 channels, including HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, and ESPN Deportes.

YOUR CAPTION: Leave it in the comments . . .

*11 Sarah Jessica Parker pictures total in the gallery:

  • SJP Hat 1
  • SJP Hat 2
  • SJP Hat 3
  • SJP Hat 4
  • SJP Hat 5
  • SJP Hat 6
  • SJP Hat 7
  • SJP Hat 8
  • SJP Hat 9
  • SJP Hat 10

Sarah Jessica Parker in London (8/31)

There's no way this story is true, right? It has to be leaked by Sarah's publicist. Via Contact Music:
Sarah Jessica Parker screamed at a security guard and pushed him away during a promotional event in Russia after he tried to kiss the actress. Parker was left in shock when he reportedly ripped his shirt open and leaned in to smooch the actress as she was leaving the venue. The security guard now faces losing his job and is trying to make it up to his wife.

Donstov says, "I shouldn't have done that as a professional but I couldn't believe Sarah Jessica Parker was there, that close to me. Home life could be even more difficult but I'll try to buy some roses and smooth things over."
This Russian security guard must have been hitting the vodka pretty hard. Either that, or the women in Russia still look like 80's Soviet Olympians. Regardless, this guy had to pretty desperate to want to make out with Sarah Jessica Parker -- especially since the last time a Russian wanted to get it on with a horse, it didn't work out to well. I'm looking at you Catherine the Great.

*10 Sarah Jessica Parker pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 1
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 2
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 3
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 4
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 5
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 6
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 7
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 8
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 9
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Makeout 10

Sarah Jessica Parker taking her son to school in New York (5/19)

MY CAPTION: Oh shit, Sarah Jessica Parker cast a spell on the paparazzi again.

YOUR CAPTION: Leave it in the comments . . .

*18 Sarah Jessica Parker pictures total in the gallery:

  • SJP Caption 1
  • SJP Caption 2
  • SJP Caption 3
  • SJP Caption 4
  • SJP Caption 5
  • SJP Caption 6
  • SJP Caption 1
  • SJP Caption 2
  • SJP Caption 3
  • SJP Caption 4
  • SJP Caption 5
  • SJP Caption 6
  • SJP Caption 7
  • SJP Caption 8
  • SJP Caption 9

Sarah Jessica Parker arriving at Berlin Tegel Airport in Germany (11/10)

I've got some bad news for those of you that have always wanted to see Sarah Jessica Parker nude: 1. You're gay, and 2. She has a no nudity clause in her contract. oh. darn. From the National Enquirer:
Sarah Jessica Parker starred in the raunchy HBO cable series Sex and the City, but she's actually Miss Goody Two-Shoes! Playing hot-to-trot serial dater Carrie Bradshaw, the real-life mom-of-three never appeared in the buff on TV or in the movies due to her contracts' "no-nudity" clause. She wasn't comfortable with scenes that included her naked, sex toys or vulgar language. "So I never did any," points out Parker, 45, who's wed to Mathew Broderick, 48.
Thank God Sarah Jessica Parker never did any nude scenes. If I wanted to see a wrinkly, shriveled up old bag with disgustingly coarse hair that was always hanging around an asshole and was attached to Mr. Big, I'd just pull out a mirror and look at my balls.

*5 Sarah Jessica Parker pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sarah Jessica Parker No Nudity 1
  • Sarah Jessica Parker No Nudity 2
  • Sarah Jessica Parker No Nudity 3
  • Sarah Jessica Parker No Nudity 4
  • Sarah Jessica Parker No Nudity 5
sarah-jessica-white-house-01.jpg
Sarah Jessica Parker listening to Michelle Obama give a speech at The White House (10/20)

Jesus, I don't even think Barack looks at Michelle this adoringly. I think she might actually be hypnotized. I bet if Michelle clapped her hands, Sarah would've clucked like a chicken.

sarah-jessica-white-house-02.jpg

Sarah Jessica Parker walking her son to school in New York (10/7)

Sarah Jessica Parker is a very helpful person. Look at her today in New York pointing her middle finger to the sky as if to warn the paparazzi, "Look at those menacing clouds there upon the horizon -- I do believe rain is in our future. You may want to get yourself an umbrella."

*25 Sarah Jessica Parker pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 1
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 2
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 3
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 4
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 5
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 1
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 2
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 3
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 4
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 5
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 6
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 7
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 8
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 9
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 10
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 11
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 12
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 13
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 14
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 15
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 16
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 17
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 18
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 19
  • Sarah Jessica Parker Flip Off 20

Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her hotel in London (5/28)

In this post we list things more pitiful than waiting outside of Sarah Jessica Parker's hotel so she can autograph your Sex and the City 2 poster . . . *crickets chirping* . . . I got nothing.

*10 pics total in the gallery:

  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 1
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 2
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 3
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 4
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 5
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 1
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 2
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 3
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 4
  • Thumbnail: Sarah Jessica Parker Autograph 5

Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: