Ryan Reynolds

Blake Lively at "A Tribute To Pedro Almodovar" at the Museum of Modern Art in New York (11/15)

Ryan Reynolds might want to slow it down just a tad with Blake Lively. Dude, you look like Ryan Reynolds. Blake's not going to leave you anytime soon. Well, unless she has no soul like Scarlett Johansson. Which is a distinct possibility. From the Chicago Sun Times:

That fast-track romance between "Gossip Girl" star Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds continues in high gear. Not only have the coosome twosome [ed. note: whoever wrote that should be beaten into a coma] been spied locking lips a lot, but a good New York real estate source tells me the couple are seriously shopping for fancy new digs they will share in the Big Apple. A key requirement: a high-rise home that will not have easy, nearby access for pesky paparazzi.

I think I've officially given up on Ryan Reynolds. I tried to get him to man up a little bit, but he's only getting worse. Now he wants to settle down and buy a house with a chick he pretty much just met? I wouldn't be surprised if he's sharing a double dildo with Blake, too (Requiem for a Dream, anyone?).

The reason why Scarlet had to cut this punk loose is becoming clear: Ryan Reynolds is a smothering girlie man. I never thought I'd say this before, but he needs to act a little more like Charlie Sheen around women. This whole situation is really tragic -- Ryan's a young guy with years of banging starlets ahead of him and is just wasting his time with relationships. Hell, at least Harrison Ford had the good sense to get into his 60s before he starting shooting estrogen.

*12 Blake Lively pictures total in the gallery:

Blake Lively at the Gossip Girl 100th episode celebration at Cipriani Wall Street in New York (11/19)

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively are acting exactly like you'd expect a new couple to act . . . which is news I guess. From People:

Ryan Reynolds took girlfriend Blake Lively on an old-fashioned date in Connecticut Friday night, where the two held hands and shared ice cream out of the same cup.

The same cup!

After strolling around the holiday festival [in Ridgefield] for a bit, Reynolds, 35, and Lively, 24, stopped into Deborah Ann's Sweet Shoppe, where they "tried a few samples of ice cream off of those little spoons," says an eyewitness at the ice cream parlor.

"They picked their own flavors, English Toffee and Chocolate Fudge Brownie, but put them in the same cup and shared it. They left holding hands. They just blended in. They seemed very happy together. They were very excited about the ice cream."

Ryan, I know you're probably still hurting from being dumped by Scarlet Johansson, but you're gonna have to tone down this new "I'm sensitive and in touch with my inner pussy" version of yourself. Dude, you don't have to do this sugary horse-shit -- you know that Scarlet is pissed off.  Don't do that to yourself, and don't raise the bar for the rest of us. Listen, you and I are basically cut from the same cloth. We have the charm and abs that separate us from the rest of the chop meat. I'm not saying you have to be Chris Brown, but you shouldn't be Pete Wentz, either. Now stand up, take off the sundress, and in front of Blake and all the Saints announce that "Ryan Reynolds is back, and this time my balls are included."

*15 Blake Lively pictures total in the gallery:

Blake Lively on the set of Gossip Girl in New York (12/1)

Mentioned earlier that Scarlett Johansson is livid that her ex-husband Ryan Reynolds is now dating Blake Lively. And now here's Blake sporting a nice hickey on her neck on the set of Gossip Girl yesterday. Oh man, Scarlett is gonna be pissed. I bet she dunks Blake's head extra hard into the kiddie pool of chocolate pudding they're gonna wrestle in. Wait, that is how they're going to settle their feud, isn't it? You know, I just assumed . . .

*10 Blake Lively pictures total in the gallery:

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds on the set of R.I.P.D. in Boston (10/23)

OK, that headline may be a bit dramatic, but I bet if Scarlett Johansson ever ends up behind bars with Blake Lively, she at least tries to shank her with a rusty spoon. From Us Weekly:

A source tells the new issue of Us Weekly that Scarlett Johansson is fuming that her ex-husband, Ryan Reynolds, has moved on with Gossip Girl's Blake Lively -- even though Johansson ended their two-year marriage one year ago.

"Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore," the source tells Us. "She realized what a great catch Ryan was .. Ryan would have gotten back with her. He was so totally in love, but then she flaunted Sean [Penn] right after their split, and he was done."

Adding insult to injury for the Iron Man actress? Lively, 24, is sticking around as things get more serious with Reynolds.

"Things are great [for Blake and Ryan]," says the source. "They haven't had a fight yet!"

Oh no, I never thought I'd see Scarlett Johansson do the grovel-walk of shame so early in her career (I'm looking right at you, Demi Moore). It appears that Agent Romanov found out the hard way that no aging commie douche-nozzle (aka Sean Penn) can satisfy you as well as an 8-pack of smarmy Canadian steel (aka Ryan Reynolds). Who says that Canadians aren't worth conquering? Well, myself and Scarlett Johanssen, apparently.

*11 Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds pictures total in the gallery:

Scarlett Johansson addresses nude pic scandal

In the new issue of Vanity Fair, Scarlett Johansson opens up about those nude pics of hers that leaked to the web a few months ago, and how they were specifically for her husband at the time, Ryan Reynolds . . . whore!:

Scarlett Johansson does not seem the least bit ashamed when discussing her recent nude-photo scandal with Vanity Fair contributing editor Peter Biskind. "I know my best angles," she says with her trademark insouciance.

Insouciance? Seriously, fuck you Vanity Fair.

"They were sent to my husband," now ex Ryan Reynolds. "There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like I was shooting a porno." She adds saucily, "Although there’s nothing wrong with that either."

Interestingly, in the interview Scarlett didn't address how her email account was "hacked" and the nude pics stolen because the "hacker" simply guessed her password. Seriously woman, would it kill you to mix in a number or uppercase letter?

*10 Scarlett Johansson pictures total in the gallery:

Sandra Bullock at LAX airport (1/17)

There's been a rumor floating around the past few weeks that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are dating. Nope. Absolutely not true. They're just boning each other. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Despite Sandra Bullock’s absolute denial on the Golden Globes red carpet that she’s dating Ryan Rey­nolds, a number of skeptical — and typically cynical — Tinseltown wags aren’t totally convinced.

“I think Sandy and Ryan have a relationship that somewhat mirrors the one portrayed by Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher’s characters in that new movie opening Friday,” said a top L.A. film exec.

“That movie” is “No Strings Attached,” which focuses on a “friends with [sexual] privileges” relationship.

A "film exec" thinks that Ryan and Sandra's relationship is just like one being portrayed in a new movie that opened this past weekend? Yeah, OK, I think they meant "publicist." Next week we'll probably hear from some other "nameless" source that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon's friendship is just like Jason Statham and Ben Foster's relationship in The Mechanic -- opening Jan. 28th at a theater near you.

*12 Sandra Bullock pictures total in the gallery:

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds split up

John Mayer's penis has officially been put on notice: After two years of marriage, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are splitting up. A source told Us Weekly:

"They are being very civil about it," the source says, noting that the spouses separated about two weeks ago.

Johansson, 26, began dating Reynolds, 34, in 2007; the stars announced their engagement in May 2008 and tied the knot that September in a remote wilderness retreat in Vancouver, B.C.

The source explains that Iron Man 2 star Johansson initiated the split. At issue? "The big problem with their relationship is the distance," says the source. "They spent a lot of time apart when they are working...She's been unhappy for a while."

The distance broke them up? I don't buy that for a second. It's not like Scarlett is serving a tour in Iraq and can't fly home whenever the hell she wants to. No, I think there's a much more sinister reason for the couple's split . . . isn't that right Scarlett's secret lover OSAMA BIN LADEN!

*16 Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds pictures total in the gallery:

Ryan Reynolds is sort of a wuss

I can't tell you how many times a day I'm mistaken for Ryan Reynolds (you can see the resemblance here). It's become such a hassle that it's forced me to rethink my habit of walking around the city without a shirt on. But then how are my abs supposed to get some color, I ask myself? How? Oh yeah, so about Ryan Reynolds, the National Enquirer said:

A romantic road trip for Scarlett Johansson and hubby Ryan Reynolds turned into a real-life version of a wacky National Lampoon "Vacation" movie! The A-list couple planned to relax on a two-week cross-country drive, sources say. But after a series of misadventures, they high-tailed it home early. "Not long after leaving California in a rental car, they had a flat tire in the pouring rain" says the source. "Ryan had never changed a tire before and it took him forever to do it. He needed Scarlett's help. By the time he and Scarlett got back in the car, they  looked like drowned rats." (Print Edition - 10/4)

So the terrifying "misadventures" these two had were a flat tire and a little rain? Big deal. Ryan should have sucked it up and been a real man -- by calling AAA. Besides, who would go on a vacation with Scarlett Johansson that didn't involve staying in bed all day and replenishing fluids? Perhaps the lesson here is that when you're with someone as beautiful as Scarlett, if you're going to take her anywhere, make sure it's in one of her three orifices.

*22 Ryan Reynolds pictures total in the gallery:

Scarlett Johansson and Jared Leto in 2004

If your name is "Ryan Reynolds" you probably don't want to read this story. Everyone else, by all means, please continue. From OK! magazine:

There's nothing wrong with a little innocent flirting  — or is there? Jared Leto certainly didn't seem to think so at Sunday night's Golden Globes bash at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood, where he made a quick bee-line for his newly married ex-girlfriend Scarlett Johansson!

A fellow party-goer tells OK! that Leto, "spent most of the evening hitting on Scarlett Johansson, who certainly didn't seem to mind." (Source)

Sorry Jared. If Scarlet wanted to marry an emaciated, gender-confused, hermaphrodite, she would have chosen someone from the San Francisco Men's Chorus. Or Pete Wentz. If I were Ryan, I'd actually encourage Scarlet to hang out more with Jared. Who better to teach her how to apply her eye-liner?