Ryan Lochte

It's Ryan Lochte back home

Here's US Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte arriving back home in Charlotte on Saturday, just a few days after being caught lying about being robbed in Rio when actually he just vandalized a gas station by pissing everywhere. Congratulations Honey Boo Boo, you are no longer the biggest embarrassment to the United States in the eyes of the rest of the world. So that's kinda cool for her. Um, yay.

*10 Ryan Lochte pictures total in the gallery:

  • Ryan Lochte Arriving Home 1
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Ryan Lochte and Carmen Electra

In what can best be described as a true meeting of the minds, Olympian Ryan Lochte and Carmen Electra hooked up at Bootsy Bellows nightclub last week in Hollywood. Oh, Michael Phelps must not have been there so, you know, Ryan actually had a chance. An eyewitness told E!:
"They were in a booth together and he had his arm around her and they were kissing on the lips. At one point, they were standing up and kissing and everyone saw them. They did not leave together, and I am not sure if they will see each other again. But they have been tweeting and instagraming back and forth."
Meh. Hey, don't get me wrong, Carmen Electra is smoking hot for a grand old dame of 40, but her resume is choke full of low-level players like Dennis Rodman, Dave Navarro, the 1998 San Diego Chargers, etc., Big deal. Getting inside Carmen in this day and age is like completing the NYC Marathon in under 3 hours. It's a hell of an accomplishment, but don't strain your little arm patting yourself on your back, chief.

*15 Carmen Electra pictures total in the gallery:

  • Carmen Electra Ryan Lochte 1
  • Carmen Electra Ryan Lochte 2
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Olivia Culpo at the premiere of Cosmopolis at MOMA in New York (8/13)

Everyone is trying to get into the new Miss Universe's pants. Well, yeah. Because everyone has eyes. From the New York Daily News:
So far, spies say crooner Joe Jonas and "Family Guy" creator and 2013 Oscar host Seth MacFarlane have come knocking. So has Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte -- but Miss Universe pageant owner Donald Trump said the Olympian doesn't stand a chance.

"That swimmer is all over her like a puppy dog," Trump said. "She's rebuffed all kinds of celebrities. Olivia is focused on being Miss Universe. She's a smart, good girl."
Wow, that's great . . . I guess. I know it's supposed to be a really good thing for the ego to have all these "celebrities" lining up to bang you so you can brag about it on Twitter, but these guys aren't exactly what I refer to as "A-listers". An ex-boy bander, Michael Phelps' bitch, and a guy who -- let's face facts -- made millions of dollars doing the same voice we've all done trying to make a hot chick laugh. Hell, I'm surprised Kathy Griffith hasn't slithered out of her cave and tried to go down on Olivia yet. Oh god, now I can't get that image out of my head . . . *shoots self in head*

*25 Olivia Culpo pictures total in the gallery:

  • Olivia Culpo Ryan Lochte 1
  • Olivia Culpo Ryan Lochte 2
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Ryan Lochte at Day 1 of the 2012 iHeartRadio Music Festival at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas (9/21)

When two dumb guys run into each other in the forest (and by forest, I mean a club) and no one else is around, does either form a coherent sentence? That is the philosophical question, my friends. From the New York Post:
It was the ultimate meeting of minds and hard abs this weekend in Miami: Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and "Jersey Shore" star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino partied together at LIV at the Fontainebleau on Saturday. Spies told us the pair were introduced by mutual friends and spent the entire night together laughing. At 5 a.m., Lochte and Sorrentino -- who this year finished a stint in rehab and drank bottled water all night, according to sources -- left the club through the back door with a gaggle of women.
"Sorrentino...drank bottled water all night..." Now I wasn't there, but if I find out that the "bottle" was sticking out of Lochte's open zipper, I wouldn't be surprised. I'm not implying that either one of these two are gay, but I am saying that Mike and Ryan are attention whores and that would at least make this an interesting story. I can imagine what a conversation between these two geniuses must have been like:

Lochte: "What spray tan looks good with a Olympic silver medal?"

The Situation: "What does 'Olympic' mean?"

*10 Ryan Lochte pictures total in the gallery:

  • Ryan Lochte The Situation 1
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Ryan Lochte is drunk

After finishing his last Olympic swimming event on Thursday night, American silver medal specialist Ryan Lochte got absolutely hammered last night at Chinawhite nightclub in London. And then proceeded to take home a homely-looking British chick who might be a 6 on a good night. He thought he was going to bang a supermodel, but fittingly, fell way short of expectations.

*15 Ryan Lochte pictures total in the gallery:

  • Ryan Lochte Drunk 1
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Olympian Ryan Lochte's mom is very naive -- she thinks he's "too busy" for girls. Yeah, right. Guarantee this guy's plowing through ass at the Olympic village like a riding mower. From Us Weekly:
At Procter and Gamble's Thank You Mom family home in London July 26, the swimmer's mother, Ileana Lochte, chatted with Us Weekly about why her sought-after son is still single. "He's too busy! He's so warmhearted that I don't think he'd want to have a relationship with somebody," she explained. "I don't think he wants to get into a relationship ... It just wouldn't be fair to the girl. He doesn't have the time."
Look friends, I can't be too vulgar in regards to Ryan because I have it on good authority that Mother Lochte reads this happy little site of ours (and who could blamer her?). Being a gold-medal winning Olympic swimmer and all, Ryan is a big deal in the sports world, but we have to remember something about gold medals: for every medal an athlete wins, his penis grows an inch. Remember the Phelps kid? Before Athens, Aquaman occasionally picked up a chick hanging out at the pool at the local YMCA. After the Sydney games, Supercock had his pick of supermodels. I can only guesstimate the insane amount of vaginal discharge that Ryan must be swimming through now. Probably not as high quality as what a master of the interwebs like yours truly sees, but not too far below my standards.

*5 Ryan Lochte pictures total in the gallery:

  • Ryan Lochte Girlfriend 1
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