Russell Simmons

Russell Simmons and Hana Nitsche in Miami (12/9)

Last time we checked in with Russell Simmons, he was dating some young, unnamed model. Which followed him dating another young, unnamed model. Which followed him dating another young, unnamed model. Which followed him dating swimsuit model Julie Henderson. And now he's dating German model Hana Nitsche (pictured together in Miami yesterday). Oh, he's worth hundreds of millions of dollars, you say? I couldn't tell by looking at him, the gorgeous swimsuit model next to him, and then him again.

*25 Hana Nitsche bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Russell Simmons in Miami (10/6)

Here's some pictures of Russell Simmons and his girlfriend at the beach in Miami over the weekend. WENN says its Miss Universe 2011 Leila Lopes, but I think they're wrong because it doesn't really look like her. Plus, I don't want to live in a world where a man who looks like Russell Simmons is dating Miss Universe. Look, I don't care how much this guy's worth, he still looks like his mother drank heavy during the pregnancy.

*25 Russell Simmons pictures total in the gallery:

Katy Perry at the 20th Annual Elton John AIDS Foundation's Oscar Viewing Party held at West Hollywood Park (2/26)

Russell Simmons -- who, mind you, looks like a god damn space alien -- thinks he actually has a shot with Katy Perry. Awww, how delusional. From the New York Daily News:

[At the Weinstein Company's pre-Oscar party], newly single Russell Simmons looked like he might want to develop something with [Katy] Perry when her ran into her in the hallway that joined the front room of the Soho House to the backroom and asked for her phone number.

Someone needs to sit down with old man Russell and put a mirror in front of him. Does he know how unattractive he is? Why would Katy Perry give him anything but the cold shoulder? She's a bigger star with her own money. She doesn't need the old coot. I understand why Russell was feeling so confident -- he's run through a string of hotties since he dumped his maid, but it's time for reality to set in. All of his "conquests" are wannabes or never-weres who had to put up with his old balls to get on Celebslam for a spread. Let's be honest, Russell looks like the villain in any Guillermo del Toro film and quite frankly, he's a colossal bore. If you ever suffer a spell of insomnia, YouTube Russell lecturing all of us mouth breathers on music and politics. Royce Gracie couldn't put you to sleep faster.

*15 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:

Russell Simmons and his new girlfriend in Miami (2/22)

I know this may be a controversial thing to say, but I think Russell Simmons girlfriend may be dating him, not for his looks, but for his money. I know, right? What an outrageous assumption on my part.

*31 Russell Simmons pictures total in the gallery:

Russell Simmons in Miami (10/3)

I really hope this is Russell Simmons teaching an underprivileged youth how to read and not him giving her his phone number. I mean, I know he's rich, but doesn't this girl have standards? Russell Simmons isn't just ugly, he's "creepy dude you'd see on the Megan's Law website if you did a search for registered sex offenders in your neighborhood" ugly. The only time he should ever hang out with a chick that hot is if she's making $250/hr.

*31 Russell Simmons pictures total in the gallery:

Russell Simmons and model Julie Henderson in Miami last year

The saddest thing about this story isn't that Russell Simmons had a priceless piece of artwork destroyed -- it's that he throws parties and freaking supermodels show up. I don't care how rich he is. The dude looks like E.T.'s retarded cousin. From the New York Post:

Russell Simmons had to cordon off his art collection after a guest during a party packed with Victoria's Secret models erased part of a $100,000 chalk drawing by Gary Simmons (no relation to Russell). A rep for the hip-hop impresario told us, "One woman, who shall not be named, rubbed up against a chalk drawing. She didn't realize it had been intentionally smudged by the artist, so she took a cloth to wipe it, rubbing off a part of the artwork." The destruction took place at Russell Simmons' downtown apartment May 26 during a charity bash hosted by Selita Ebanks.

If I had a nickel for every time one of the supermodels who partied at my multimillion dollar apartment destroyed a piece of my one-of-a-kind artwork, I'd have just as much money as I do now -- none. Besides, if Russell wanted to make sure the models didn't get anywhere near his art collection, he didn't need to cordon it off. He just needed to put a textbook in front of it. OMG, MATH!!! RUN!!!

*20 pics total in the gallery:

Russell Simmons in Miami (2/5)

Russell Simmons is obvious . . . and I don't mean in the "he obviously looks like a god damn alien" kind of sense. I mean it's pretty obvious what he's trying to imply here. From the New York Post:

Russell Simmons certainly comes prepared. While leaving the Haven 360 Oscar-week party for "The Cove" the other night, the hip-hop impresario dropped a magnum-sized Trojan condom. "Russell reached into his pocket to get his valet ticket and something dropped on the floor," a witness told us. "He didn't notice and drove off. I rushed over to pick it up, and it was a black and gold packet containing a Trojan condom." Simmons was at the Andaz Hotel event with Hayden Panettiere and director Fisher Stevens to toast the pro-dolphin movie. Our source added, "This happened as he stood right next to a giant ad for his ex-wife Kimora Lee Simmons' new TV show."

Damn Russell's smooth. When most guys try to trick women into sleeping with them, they use the old standbys (e.g. lie about their job or write their phone number on the back of their rich friend's ATM receipt). The truth however is that Russell isn't the first person to try this move. Last week Lindsay did the same thing when she walked past Ellen DeGeneres and "accidentally" dropped a boxing glove.

Julie Henderson bikini pics! (10/5)

Russell owns something incriminating on her, right? Like she hit and killed a homeless man when she was 19 and Russell has two minutes of security camera footage locked in his safe. I'm just trying to make sense of this relationship. Money can only take you so far when you're that damn ugly.

Russell Simmons in Miami (10/4)

Sure I love making fun of celebrities, but from time to time I also like to recognize those that give back to the community. For example, here's Russell Simmons in Miami on Sunday taking time from his busy schedule to teach an underprivileged youth how to read. Kudos to you Russell!

UPDATE: I've just been informed that that little girl is actually Russell's girlfriend Julie Henderson. If you'll excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower.

Ashley Dupre at a nightclub in New York earlier this year

Remember Ashley Dupre? She was the hooker at the center (sometimes on the bottom, sometimes on top) of the Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal last year. Well she hasn't gone away. In fact, music mogul Russell Simmons has taken a "special" interest in her. From Janet Charlton's Hollywood:

Russell Simmons has taken Ashley Dupre under his wing and he’s “mentoring” her career. (Friends suspect there’s more than “mentoring” going on, but that’s a matter of opinion.) For whatever reason, Simmons, after meeting Ashley in a yoga class, has decided to help her develop a singing career. So he says. Not only that, but he’s trying to sell an Ashley Dupre reality show to either E! or MTV where he has connections.

What an admirable gesture by Russell to take an ex-whore under his wing. The man is a true humanitarian. In order to get her singing voice up to par, I wouldn't be surprised if he's working on throat exercises with her daily. Of course Ashley's newfound vocal talent is no surprise to former Governor Spitzer -- he already knew she could use her mouth to make money. *rimshot* . . . or perhaps more appropriately, *rimjob*