Russell Simmons

Russell Simmons in Miami (10/3)

I really hope this is Russell Simmons teaching an underprivileged youth how to read and not him giving her his phone number. I mean, I know he's rich, but doesn't this girl have standards? Russell Simmons isn't just ugly, he's "creepy dude you'd see on the Megan's Law website if you did a search for registered sex offenders in your neighborhood" ugly. The only time he should ever hang out with a chick that hot is if she's making $250/hr.

*31 Russell Simmons pictures total in the gallery:

Russell Simmons and model Julie Henderson in Miami last year

The saddest thing about this story isn't that Russell Simmons had a priceless piece of artwork destroyed -- it's that he throws parties and freaking supermodels show up. I don't care how rich he is. The dude looks like E.T.'s retarded cousin. From the New York Post:

Russell Simmons had to cordon off his art collection after a guest during a party packed with Victoria's Secret models erased part of a $100,000 chalk drawing by Gary Simmons (no relation to Russell). A rep for the hip-hop impresario told us, "One woman, who shall not be named, rubbed up against a chalk drawing. She didn't realize it had been intentionally smudged by the artist, so she took a cloth to wipe it, rubbing off a part of the artwork." The destruction took place at Russell Simmons' downtown apartment May 26 during a charity bash hosted by Selita Ebanks.

If I had a nickel for every time one of the supermodels who partied at my multimillion dollar apartment destroyed a piece of my one-of-a-kind artwork, I'd have just as much money as I do now -- none. Besides, if Russell wanted to make sure the models didn't get anywhere near his art collection, he didn't need to cordon it off. He just needed to put a textbook in front of it. OMG, MATH!!! RUN!!!

*20 pics total in the gallery:

Russell Simmons in Miami (2/5)

Russell Simmons is obvious . . . and I don't mean in the "he obviously looks like a god damn alien" kind of sense. I mean it's pretty obvious what he's trying to imply here. From the New York Post:

Russell Simmons certainly comes prepared. While leaving the Haven 360 Oscar-week party for "The Cove" the other night, the hip-hop impresario dropped a magnum-sized Trojan condom. "Russell reached into his pocket to get his valet ticket and something dropped on the floor," a witness told us. "He didn't notice and drove off. I rushed over to pick it up, and it was a black and gold packet containing a Trojan condom." Simmons was at the Andaz Hotel event with Hayden Panettiere and director Fisher Stevens to toast the pro-dolphin movie. Our source added, "This happened as he stood right next to a giant ad for his ex-wife Kimora Lee Simmons' new TV show."

Damn Russell's smooth. When most guys try to trick women into sleeping with them, they use the old standbys (e.g. lie about their job or write their phone number on the back of their rich friend's ATM receipt). The truth however is that Russell isn't the first person to try this move. Last week Lindsay did the same thing when she walked past Ellen DeGeneres and "accidentally" dropped a boxing glove.

Julie Henderson bikini pics! (10/5)

Russell owns something incriminating on her, right? Like she hit and killed a homeless man when she was 19 and Russell has two minutes of security camera footage locked in his safe. I'm just trying to make sense of this relationship. Money can only take you so far when you're that damn ugly.

Russell Simmons in Miami (10/4)

Sure I love making fun of celebrities, but from time to time I also like to recognize those that give back to the community. For example, here's Russell Simmons in Miami on Sunday taking time from his busy schedule to teach an underprivileged youth how to read. Kudos to you Russell!

UPDATE: I've just been informed that that little girl is actually Russell's girlfriend Julie Henderson. If you'll excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower.

Ashley Dupre at a nightclub in New York earlier this year

Remember Ashley Dupre? She was the hooker at the center (sometimes on the bottom, sometimes on top) of the Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal last year. Well she hasn't gone away. In fact, music mogul Russell Simmons has taken a "special" interest in her. From Janet Charlton's Hollywood:

Russell Simmons has taken Ashley Dupre under his wing and he’s “mentoring” her career. (Friends suspect there’s more than “mentoring” going on, but that’s a matter of opinion.) For whatever reason, Simmons, after meeting Ashley in a yoga class, has decided to help her develop a singing career. So he says. Not only that, but he’s trying to sell an Ashley Dupre reality show to either E! or MTV where he has connections.

What an admirable gesture by Russell to take an ex-whore under his wing. The man is a true humanitarian. In order to get her singing voice up to par, I wouldn't be surprised if he's working on throat exercises with her daily. Of course Ashley's newfound vocal talent is no surprise to former Governor Spitzer -- he already knew she could use her mouth to make money. *rimshot* . . . or perhaps more appropriately, *rimjob*

Julie Henderson and Russell Simmons in Miami (3/13)

Remember those pics of Russell Simmons and his girlfriend Julie Henderson I posted earlier this week? In a shocking development, the model's friends think Russell is a little bit creepy. From the New York Post:

The 51-year-old hip-hop mogul squired the 23-year-old grapefruit heiress who shows off plenty of freckles in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue to the Art for Life benefit at the Fontainebleau in Miami, but we hear there was trouble in paradise. "Her friends are having major problems with the fact that he's so much older than she is," says an insider. (Source)

Of course Julie's friends are having issues with Russell's age. The guy's so old to them, they probably think he watches the nightly news. Frankly, Julie should just ignore her friends and keep in mind that there are tons of advantages to dating a guy Russell's age. She'll see that when they go out -- with just a flash of his plastic,* he'll be able to get discounts all over the city. Perhaps more importantly, his balls will hang lower than her chin.

*AARP card

Julie Henderson and Russell Simmons in Miami (3/13)

I've said it once and I'll say it again: Money is a wonderful thing. Russell Simmons looks like he came from Middle Earth yet there he is sitting on the beach in Miami with Julie Henderson. You may recognize Julie from the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Julie, I know he's worth hundreds of millions of dollars, but you can do better. Russell Simmons is someone you have nightmares about, not introduce to your parents.