Robert Pattinson

Katy Perry arriving for a flight at LAX airport (4/9)

Katy Perry and Robert Pattinson: totally doing it. Trust me, attending a wedding rehearsal with a woman isn't something you normally do unless you plan on motorboating her later. From the New York Daily News:

On Sunday afternoon, [Katy Perry and Robert Pattinson] were spotted in the back of a courtyard at San Ysidro Ranch, taking in the wedding rehearsal of a pair of strangers, People magazine reports.

A witness told the magazine that Perry, 28, was dressed down in a hoodie and big sunglasses.

"Katy and Rob were just sitting next to each other watching the wedding rehearsal in the main courtyard area," a source told People. "There was no PDA between them and no body language that showed they were dating. They just sat together and watched."

Holy shit on a stick, Robert Pattinson got himself the mother-of-all-upgrades. Wow, just...wow. Bobby traded in Kristen "Catholic Altar Boy Body" Stewart for Katy "Titties O' Plenty" Perry. Do you kids appreciate the magnitude of this move? Imagine being fired from your job as the poor bastard in charge of washing the stink out of Nicki Minaj's wigs and hired as Kate Beckinsale's personal panty line inspector. Now THAT is how you get over being cuckholded. Well played, Bobby. Well played indeed.

*10 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson at Day 2 of the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in Indio, CA (4/13)

After being apart for over two months while he was in Australia filming The Rover, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have reconnected and were spotted holding hands at Coachella over the weekend. Wow, two months? Rob, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but according to my estimate, taking into account time, distance apart, and Kristen's nature, she's fucked 87 guys since the last time you were with her. Here's the math if you want to check, but I think I'm right:

2 Months(7,500 Miles) + Cheating Slut = 87 Guys

*10 Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson pictures total in the gallery:

Kristen Stewart leaving her hotel in New York (11/8)

Kristen Stewart desperately wants boyfriend Robert Pattinson to knock her up . . . or, you know, maybe some other random guy she hooks up with. What does "boyfriend" really mean, anyways? Seems kinda restrictive. From Life & Style:

"I can't wait to be a mom," Kristen, 22, gushed to Life & Style on Nov. 1 while promoting Breaking Dawn--Part 2 in LA. Even the typically tight-lipped Rob, 26, added that the infant who first played their on-screen daughter, Renesmee, was one of his favorite co-stars, and that "working with a baby is great."

What's more, the twosome's baby talk is far from idle chatter, confirms a pal of Rob's. "Now that Kristen is back together with Rob, she's obsessed with keeping him, and she knows he wants to be a young dad," says the insider. "So she's telling him, 'Let's do this; let's make a baby!' Before the cheating, he as the one pushing for marriage and children. Now it's her." (Print Edition - 11/19)

Am I out of the loop on this Robert Pattinson character? Why is Kristen so intent on keeping him? All of his movies are epic failures unless he's playing a pussyboy vampire, so I just don't understand why Kristen is working so hard to keep him hooked. It's not as if he's taking care of business in the bedroom -- Kristen was taking the pipe from whatshisname for weeks before she got busted, so what's with the baby talk all of the sudden? In Hollywood, adopted babies are props and bio-babies are burdens, so I need for someone to explain Kristen's rush to end her career. Oh, wait, now I see. Kristen is probably tired of having Macauley Culkin's body, but doesn't have the guts to go under the knife for a decent set of titties. No pain, no gain.

*15 Kristen Stewart pictures total in the gallery:

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart leaving Berolina Bowling Lounge in Schoeneberg, Germany (11/16)

According to reports, Kristen Stewart and her wandering eye spent Thanksgiving with Robert Pattinson and his family in London -- including his sisters Lizzy and Victoria. Wow, how awkward must that have been? "Kristen, can you pass me a dinner roll? -- if you can manage not to fuck someone other than my brother when you reach across the table." . . . "Kristen, are you most thankful for the fact that my brother is a complete and total pussy who doesn't have the balls to dump you?"

*10 Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson pictures total in the gallery:

Uma Thurman at ELLE's 19th Annual Women in Hollywood Celebration at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills (10/15)

After what she did to him, I don't know how Kristen Stewart can be so pissed off at Robert Pattinson for his friendship with Bel Ami costar Uma Thurman, but Star says that's the case. Hey slut, sluts aren't allowed to act like that, slut. From the National Enquirer:

A source tattles that Kristen is livid over Rob's new BFF. "When the cheating scandal broke, Uma supported Rob. They've grown incredibly close, and Kristen is super jealous of their connection."

Rob showed his devotion to Uma on Oct. 15, when the ultra shy actor made a surprise appearance at Elle's "Women in Hollywood" event to present the 42-year-old beauty with an award. Maybe Kristen should keep an eye on her man: "If Rob weren't so tied up with Kristen and if Uma were single, he'd go for her in a heartbeat. Uma is Rob's secret dream woman." (Print Edition 11/12)

Yeah, Kristen has a big set of stainless steel balls for telling her cuckhold who he can be friends with, but the balls were given to her by pussyboy Pattinson himself. Well, what were you expecting, sympathy? I'm sorry, but I live in the real world. Kristen snapped her fingers and slapped her leg and, like a really good boy, Robert happily ran back to her and got his ear scratched. When lil' Bobby stops acting like a bitch, I'll stop describing him as one, but while the show continues, Robert should be a dear and fetch Kristen's edible panties -- she's negotiating her next movie roll and a girl can't be too prepared.

*10 Uma Thurman pictures total in the gallery:

Robert Pattinson at the premiere of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 at Fox Studios in Sydney, Australia (10/22)

Even though they're back together, Robert Pattinson attended the Sydney premiere of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (that just rolls off the tongue) alone today. Kristen actually would have been there, but she had a prior engagement to suck another man's penis. Not again!

*15 Robert Pattinson pictures total in the gallery:

The Ye Rustic Inn in Los Feliz

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are officially back together. The two were seen hanging out together with friends at the shithole rustic-looking Ye Rustic Inn in Los Feliz on Sunday night. See what you get, bitch? Maybe if you hadn't cheated on Robert and broken his heart, he would have taken you some place more classy, like Red Lobster. You went and whored yourself out of some delicious Cheddar Bay biscuits. Idiot.

*5 pictures total in the gallery:

Kristen Stewart leaving the premiere of On The Road at the Toronto International Film Festival (9/6)

There have been a ton of rumors that Robert Pattinson has forgiven Kristen Stewart for cheating on him, and now the Chicago Sun Times says the two are sneaking around together. Gee, what could possibly go wrong . . . whore:

According to those close to Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the "Twilight" co-stars -- slowly rebuilding their personal relationship after Stewart's cheating scandal -- are real pros at going undercover.

"They are amazing," said a close Pattinson pal Thursday. "They can disguise themselves so well that even their own parents wouldn't recognize them." Reportedly, the duo have a series of secret hook-up locales in out-of-the-way L.A. and other Southern California neighborhoods -- "places where no paparazzo would even think of going," added the source.

To that, add nondescript wardrobes and even "old beater cars," and Pattinson and Stewart are able to achieve the private time they so desperately covet.

I can understand why Robert and Kristen need to hide their shame. There are some things this society of ours hasn't come around to accepting even though it seems as if anything goes (i.e. Team KKK). For example, sticking your weiner into another man's creampie is still considered taboo, especially when it comes from such a hack of a director. Now look, I know I should apologize to those of you who just had their appetite spoiled, but in all honesty, you should know by now that reading this sight during or within half an hour of lunch is bad for digestion.

*25 Kristen Stewart pics total in the gallery:

Robert Pattinson at the Stand Up To Cancer event at The Shrine Auditorium in L.A. (9/7)

Despite being nationally humiliated by her, Robert Pattinson has forgiven Kristen Stewart and the two are getting back together. WTF? She's not even hot, dude. You have your pick of high school girls 18-year-old girls across the country. From The Sun:

Robert Pattinson and love cheat co-star Kristen Stewart have become an item again -- just months after he walked out on her. R-Patz, 26, was last night revealed to have had a heart-to-heart with the tearful Hollywood beauty, 22, and forgiven her "stupid mistake".

A source told how the smitten Brit had set up home with the brunette once more -- adding: "They pretty much decided they couldn't live without each other.

"Kristen poured her heart out to Robert and told him it was a one-off and a mistake. Rob sees it as Kristen made a really stupid mistake. After a lot of long tearful talks, they've worked it out. Rob can see how truly sorry Kristen is and has totally forgiven her. They really do love each other."

The pair have now moved into a secluded pad in the same Los Angeles compound where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have a place.

Whatever, dude. The next time Kristen gives you a big, wet, sloppy kiss, hopefully it won't taste like Rupert Sanders' scrotum (since it's clear from her outward appearance that she doesn't brush her teeth and use mouthwash liberally). I'm just kidding, buddy. These are the sort of jokes you're gonna have to put up with since you agreed to be a cuckold. Obviously you didn't man-up because I see Rupert's teeth are still in his mouth so I guess you'll have to deal with the situation with class and humor, which at the end of the day makes you a total pussy. Now you can either wait outside your room while they hump each other or you can help prep the bull for Kristen.

*15 Robert Pattinson pictures total in the gallery:

Kristen Stewart arriving for a flight at Toronto International Airport (9/9)

When Kristen Stewart made her first public appearance last month, post-cheating scandal, she was spotted wearing Robert Pattinson's Baltimore Orioles hat. It was sorta creepy since she publicly humiliated the guy, but still didn't want to seem to let go. Last week she wore his clothing again, this time a shirt, and yesterday she was spotted in his hat again. Flynet has all the delightful details:

Actress Kristen Stewart, wearing Robert Pattinson's sweaty Baltimore Orioles hat at the airport, was in a grumpy mood as she caught a flight out for Toronto after attending the 2012 Toronto Film Festival in Toronto.. Kristen told her bodyguard, "Don't fucking touch me dude" when he tried to help her through the crowd.

That's typical Kristen for you, full of grace and aplomb. Honestly, I'm surprised she's not holding a cup of tea with her pinky out in any of these pictures. "Black tea with a spot of milk, 'tis my favorite."

*25 Kristen Stewart pictures total in the gallery: