Rihanna

Chris Brown in Maui (2/21)

Chris Brown told The Mirror over the weekend that he really regrets almost beating Rihanna to death, but it's all good now, because she loves him again. Awww, how romantic. It's just like a really violent fairy tale. He said:

"Sometimes you row, you fight, with the one you love and things get said, stuff spirals. That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake. But she loves me - what can I say? I'm forgiven... but, yes, I worked hard for it.

"People attack me and criticise me, it happens all the time. But they don't know me, and they don't know us. It doesn't bother me any more. Other people can judge us but they don't know anything."

Yeah, Chris really did his penance. Rihanna made him suffer almost a month before she was back on all fours, taking it like a good battered spouse should do. I guess it's a lesson well-learned because Chris has been a model citizen ever since . . . well, except for throwing a chair through a window at Good Morning America . . . or starting a riot at WIP nightclub in New York . . . or gay-bashing the hell out of Frank Ocean . . . or not really completing his court mandated community service . . . wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Chris Brown is a fucking asshole.

*15 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna and Chris Brown in Hawaii (2/20)

Rihanna looks like she had a great time in Hawaii yesterday -- she got to smoke two blunts and spend the entire day with the man who almost beat her to death. But did she see any whales? You bet your ass she did! Best. Vacation. Ever.

*20 Rihanna and Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna leaving The Box nightclub in London (2/17)

Rihanna and Chris Brown are fighting again. Other than probable death, gee, what could possibly go wrong? From the Daily Mail:

A source told MailOnline exclusively that the couple refused to acknowledge one another after both arriving at the Playhouse Nightclub in Los Angeles on Wednesday night.

"Rihanna refused to sit with or even near Chris - and when Chris noticed she was there, he made a huge show of rubbing his presence in her face," said the source. "He promptly ordered three more bottles of ace of spades which came out with in a procession of sparklers and scantily clad cocktail waitresses, causing a spectacle, which he clearly wanted Rihanna to see."

The singers never once communicated with each other during the course of the evening as they sat across the room from one another, said the source.

Come on, this is a fight for a regular couple, not Chris and Rihanna. If it really was a fight between them, then where are the pics of Chris icing his knuckles or the video of Rihanna taking a standing eight count? In all honesty, you can't even call this is a minor argument because the police weren't called. In their world, Chris publicly humiliating Rihanna is considered foreplay. I'm gonna do you kids a favor and give you some free relationship advise that was handed down from my grandfather, to my father, and then to me: no blood, no foul.

*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Katy Perry and John Mayer leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood (2/10)

Honestly, Katy Perry and Rihanna need to get over their difference and kiss and make up. With tongue. Lots and lots of tongue. From Us Weekly:

Rihanna's reunion with Chris Brown at this year's Grammy Awards stirred up plenty of buzz among fans, but it turns out that some of the couple's famous friends aren't so hot about their rekindled romance either. Katy Perry, who got close with the "Stay" singer at last year's Grammys, "doesn't approve" of Rihanna's decision to get back together with Brown, 23, and their friendship has suffered as a result of it, sources tell Us Weekly.

"They aren't tight anymore because Katy doesn't approve of Rihanna dating Chris Brown," an insider told Us of the pair.

Perry, 28, instead spent the evening on the arm of her beau, a maroon suit-wearing John Mayer, 35. The couple had a front-row view of the night's performances, while Rihanna and Brown cuddled up elsewhere in the audience.

I have to admit that, a few months ago, I was suffering a bit from Katy Perry overexposure, but lately she's been on fire, blasting those awesome tits all over the place. And for the icing on the cake, Katy is letting it be known that she's not all in with this Chris Brown jerk-off like the rest of the spineless, testosterone-deficient music world? Awesome. Is Rihanna one of those gals who needs to be corrected vigorously on occasion? Probably, but I don't know. What I do know is that Chris Brown is an asshole, Katy Perry needs to show more cleavage, and Rihanna should cover up that goddamned giant forehead of hers. Good God, it looks like a bowling ball stretching a condom.

*5 Katy Perry and John Mayer pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Bieber and Rihanna at the Laker's game in 2011

Life & Style claims that the reason Selena Gomez dumped Justin Bieber is because she found out that he cheated on her with Rihanna after meeting and flirting with her at a Lakers game in 2011 (above). Considering that Rihanna will bang pretty much anyone -- including a guy who almost beat her to death -- this really doesn't seem like much of a stretch. A friend of Selena told the mag:

"It has devastated [Selena], It really cut like a knife because it happened in February of 2011, when Selena and Justin had been dating for months and were falling in love. It's caused Selena to question their entire relationship ... Selena thinks maybe they've been hooking up all along."

An insider reveals that [Bieber and Rihanna] spent time together in NYC while taping the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in November 2012. "During breaks, they'd sneak away to the Hotel Giraffe," the source tells Life & Style. "They were alone -- their security made sure of it. Hotel staff blocked off the entire floor for them."

Wait, what? A former Disney star is upset with an Aaron Carter clone because he's banging the perpetually-abused partner of a closeted R&B singer? Throw in a homemade meth lab and alligator boots and this could be your standard drunken Floridian hillbilly Facebook rant. If you guys could only see my crotch right now, you'd know how excited I am over this particular news. All this drama is doing is greasing the way for that Selena Gomez Playboy spread that's now only about two years away. "From America's Sweetheart to America's Slut: Selena Gomez Like You've Never Seen Her Before!" . . . ten bucks she goes full bush.

*20 Justin Bieber and Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna arriving on a flight at LAX airport (1/31)

Rihanna tells the new issue of Complex that she's freaked out by bees, but interestingly, not violent, 160-pound guys. Weird.

Complex: What's the worst pet infestation you've experienced?
Rihanna: There are bees that bug the hell out of me at my pool. They come and take baths, splashing and swimming. When they're done they get to the edge, hop out, dry off, and just fly away. I try to drown them because I'm freaked out by bees but they don't die!

Bee infestations can be quite dangerous and totally unpredictable. They're especially dangerous when you read their text messages without permission and rip the keys out of their Lamborghini. Oh wait, are we talking about insects or Chris Brown and his man-poop-flavored monster dong? It doesn't really matter since neither infestation respects women or restraining orders -- but they do respect rolled up newspapers and solitary confinement.

*30 Rihanna pics total in the gallery:

Lena Dunham calls Rihanna a moron

Chick fight! Chick fight! From the New York Daily News:

The creator and star of HBO's "Girls" star chimed in on Alec Baldwin's "Here's the thing" podcast about RiRi's relationship with the man who infamously beat her up in 2009.

"It cracks my heart in half" Dunham said. "It's an amazing thing and it's like, it's a platform that you have to take seriously ... I don't want to ever throw stones from my glass house, but I follow her on Instagram and I just think about how many little girls beyond what I could even comprehend are obsessed with Rihanna. Like you know, she left Barbados, she's had this amazing career, she's won a Grammy. She's talented. Then she gets back together with him and posts a million pictures of them smoking marijuana together on a bed ... and it cracks my heart in half in a way that makes me feel like I'm 95 years old."

Oh brother, Lena should spend less energy dissecting Rihanna's impending murder and more explaining how her HBO show Girls is somehow based in Brooklyn, but you never see any Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, or Middle Easterners. It's like a less-diverse Seinfeld, which I didn't think was actually possible. The truth is that Rihanna accepts the cost for getting Chris Brown's huge bisexual rod blasted into her kidneys -- regular Mike Tysonesque attitude adjustments -- so Lena needs to mind her own business. Besides, Rihanna's been learning how to bob and weave just in case she got back together with Chris, so she'll be alright.

*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna leaving a nail salon in West Hollywood (1/3)

Rihanna tells the new issue of Rolling Stone that things are different with Chris Brown this time and that's why she's back together with him. Wait, so now he's using an open hand? She told the mag:

"When you add up the pieces from the outside, it's not the cutest puzzle in the world. You see us walking somewhere, driving somewhere, in the studio, in the club, and you think you know. But it's different now. We don't have those types of arguments anymore. We talk about shit. We value each other. We know exactly what we have now, and we don't want to lose that.

"He doesn't have the luxury of fucking up again. That's just not an option. I can't say that nothing else will ever go wrong. But I'm pretty solid in the knowing that he's disgusted by that. And I wouldn't have gone this far if I ever thought that was a possibility."

Sure things are different this time for Rihanna and Chris -- he has a tattoo of her battered face on his scrawny little neck. Besides that? Things are pretty much par for the course for the violent little fella and his perpetual victim. Rihanna might want to look into just what's involved in joining the Federal Witness Protection Program -- I'm not saying Chris is gonna kill her, but I heard a rumor that Kato Kaelin moved into his spare bedroom and that can't be good for anybody involved.

*15 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown leaving The Roxbury in Hollywood (1/4)

Aw, how sweet. Chris Brown and Rihanna are living together . . . and by "sweet" I mean "convenient for Chris." There's no place to run now, bitch. From the New York Daily News:

Rihanna fans who weren't thrilled that she patched things up with Chris Brown won't like this at all: Sources tell Confidenti@l that Brown has "moved into" the $12 million Pacific Palisades mansion RiRi bought right before Christmas. The two have been inseparable lately, including a holiday rendezvous on the Ivory Coast, courtside dates to Lakers games and separate Twitter posts in which they're wrapped in identical bedding. We're even told that Brown gave Rihanna his $750,000 Lamborghini and went shopping for another one.

Hey, what am I supposed to say? Rihanna just happens to be one of those girls who sticks with their man through thick and thin (the "thick" part being in Chris' pants and the "thin" part being an epic public ass-whipping). Maybe if we could all stop being a bunch of Jenny Judgmentals, we'd see that there's real love between these two. Well, there's love, but there really should be a referee, and a restraining order, and an emergency healthcare plan, and a spit cup so Rihanna has somewhere to keep her knocked-out teeth the next time she pulls the keys from the Lamborghini.

*5 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown and Rihanna leaving the Staples Center in L.A. (12/25)

After cheating on Rihanna with some Parisian club sluts last month, Chris Brown has turned his attention to Sommer Gargan, an executive assistant in Los Angeles. Run Sommer! Run while you still can! From In Touch:

Rihanna and boyfriend Chris Brown may have looked happier than ever celebrating Christmas Day together at the LA Lakers game, but In Touch can exclusively reveal that weeks earlier he cheated on her with Sommer Gargan, a blonde, blue-eyed executive assistant.

"He slept with her two different times at his recording studio," an insider exclusively tells In Touch, on newsstand now.

After meeting through mutual friends, "They've been texting ever since -- even when he's been with Rihanna."

Geez, what a tool. Chris Brown is a herpes spore on the cock of pop culture. He's probably at the bottom of my friendlies list. Actually, even though I rank Chris brown somewhere in between a popcorn fart and an AIDS-related lesion, I'm trying to be a better person in 2013. The old me would have wished for Chris to fall into a washing machine full of brand new razor blades and filled colostomy bags, but that's so last year. I've taken up recycling for my New Year's resolution, so it's better if the razor blades are used. I'm just keeping it green, people.

*20 Chris Brown and Rihanna pictures total in the gallery: