Rihanna

Rihanna on her way to Da Silvano restaurant in New York (4/30)

Oh you have some shopping to do? Well Rihanna is a little bit more important than you, mouth breather. From the New York Post:

Rihanna reverted to retail therapy after splitting from Chris Brown -- again. The singer kicked shoppers out of Atrium in SoHo Thursday an hour before the store closed. "Rihanna walked in, and people were loitering around her," says a spy. "They asked people to leave so she could shop privately. Everyone was standing outside trying to peer in."

Well, Rihanna really is sort of a big deal, but only when compared to other victims of spousal abuse. Can't a girl buy head gear, shin pads, knee pads, mouth guards, smelling salts, and rape whistles without being gawked at by the great unwashed? It's not as if Ri doesn't have the means or needs to buy this crap, and making her feel self-conscious about it only puts her in danger when Chris Brown undoubtedly comes slithering back. I won't go so far as to put out a video on YouTube demanding we "LEAVE RIHANNA ALONE!" but I certainly will keep posting her crazy updates.

*10 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna in a bikini

According to a polling of Victoria's Secret Angels, Rihanna has the sexiest celebrity bikini body. Heh heh heh, "polling" heh heh heh. Via the New York Daily News:

Victoria's Secret Angels have decreed which celebrities boast the sexiest qualities in their annual "What is Sexy?" awards. Recipients of the honor don't receive a trophy -- but they do get validation from the hottest ladies in the world. The stunning models revealed in People magazine who they think is the sexiest actress (Jessica Chastain), has the sexiest bikini body (Rihanna), the sexiest sense of humor (Jennifer Lawrence) and is the sexiest songstress (Beyonce).

Wow, tell me that Victoria's Secret is pulling our collective dicks with this proclamation. I'm surprised the models were able to even focus of Rihanna's body with the distraction of that terror-dome sitting under her hairline, though I guess it obscures but doesn't completely hide her body -- think of it as an eclipse of Chris Brown's punching bag. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Rihanna has an awful body, she just doesn't have a body that they can call the sexiest bikini body. I'm pretty sure you'll all touched yourselves inappropriately to bikini shots of Katy Perry, Kate Beckinsale, and the shitload of Brazilian supermodels dominating Celebslam who are better deserving of the title. Now, if Victoria's Secret named Rihanna "Hottest Pachycephalosaurus in a Two-Piece Swimsuit of the Last 70 million Years," I'll have that conversation.

*25 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown doing Chris Brown things

Rihanna bought Chris Brown a million dollar car for his birthday. A fool and [her] money are soon parted . . . From The Sun:

Rihanna has got enough dosh to make sure Chris Brown doesn't just get socks and a dodgy jumper for his 24th birthday. The singer has shelled out more than $1.08 on a limited edition 2009 Mercedes-Benz SLR Stirling Moss -- only 75 were ever made.

A source said: "Chris is in Las Vegas with pals so he'll get his birthday gifts on his return to LA next week. Rihanna has spent more than a million dollars on his main gift - a custom-made car. She's had it personalized with his initials on the red leather seats."

A million dollar car, you say? I did a little check on this car, and most of what was written is true, but the devil is in the details. Granted, a 2009 Mercedes-Benz SLR Stirling Moss is a very expensive car, but the modifications it has are just so...Team Breezy. Not only does it have Chris' initials all over the interior, but it also has fuzzy dice made of smelling salts, a glove compartment that doubles as a spit bucket, and a passenger-side ejection seat just in case things get too pre-Grammy Awards for Rihanna. And you can hose out the interior like a Jeep. Let's see the detectives collect blood evidence now!

*20 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna sitting courtside at the Heat vs. Bucks playoff game in Miami (4/21)

+ Bill Clinton getting his pimp on [The Superficial]

+ Amanda Seyfried's sexy photoshoot [Guyism]
+ Jennifer Lawrence cut her hair. Booooo. [Celebuzz]
+ Celebrating 420 with naked stoners (NSFW) [TaxiDriverMovie]
+ Sexy new WWE Divas Eva Marie and Jo-Jo Offerman [Busted Coverage]

+ More gems out of the mouth of Gwyneth Paltrow [Dlisted]
+ 42 people you won't believe actually exist [Linkiest]
+ Willie Nelson don't give a fuck [Evil Beet]
+ Hot girls doing cosplay [Caveman Circus]

BIKINI PICS OF THE DAY: Rihanna's instagram bikini

*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown leaving Playhouse nightclub in Hollywood (4/6)

No one really knows what the hell's going on with Chris Brown and Rihanna. There's a new story every day that claims they're either still dating, Chris is cheating on Rihanna, Rihanna is cheating on Chris. Since Chris is a violent lunatic, let's focus on him being an asshole. From the New York Daily News:

Does absence make the heart grow fonder or the eye wander? Troubled singer Chris Brown was spotted cozying up with a mystery woman Saturday night, days after he admitted he was worried his on-and-off again girlfriend Rihanna would cheat on him while touring.

Brown was partying at the Playhouse nightclub in Hollywood Saturday night and was caught holding hands with the blonde clubgoer. He even gave her a full bottle of Armand de Brignac champagne. Witnesses said Brown and his posse left the nightclub with a few girls in tow and piled into two vehicles.

Yeah, it's pretty safe to say that Chris is cheating, but why shouldn't he be? This prick beat the holy hell out of Rihanna and felt no blowback from the entertainment industry or the general public. Not only did he beat her half to death, but he went and got himself a lovely tattoo of her post-fight face to commemorate the occasion. Chris has Rihanna so whipped that she probably charged the hotel room for him and this random club slut to her credit card. Does this bother you, ladies? Don't let it. Instead of hating Chris for being Chris, turn that hatred inward for not supporting a battered woman better.

*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna enjoying some tobacco in Hawaii last year

Marijuana was found on one of Rihanna's ten tour buses at the Canadian border last week. Oh thank god they found it and kept everyone safe. From TMZ:

Inspectors smelled marijuana on one of the buses and initiated a secondary, bus-to-bus search. Inspectors then brought drug-sniffing dogs on board, and one of them made a beeline for a passenger and authorities found he was in possession of pot. We're told he was cited with a civil penalty. Rihanna was not on any of the buses.

Of course there was weed on one of Rihanna's tour buses. It's Rihanna, for Christ's sake. Willie Nelson thinks that bitch smokes too much weed. Not finding weed on her tour bus would be like searching Justin Bieber's tour bus and not finding tampons, lip balm, and wine coolers. "The Wild Berry Breeze is mine, bitches!"

*25 Rihanna smoking out pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna heading to Dstrkt nightclub in London (3/4)

Even though he's now claiming it was just part of a song (but he wasn't actually singing), Chris Brown went on a mini rant about Rihanna's vagina Thursday morning at a club in Hollywood. No, really. From TMZ:

Chris was partying at Emerson Theatre in Hollywood early Thursday AM when he grabbed the mic from the DJ and went off on how to talk to your woman -- and the bizarre rant was all caught on tape.

Chris said, "You GOTTA say that one thing to her ... Don't make me have to tell you again, that's my pussy, baby! ... so you better not give it away! So every person in this motherfucking building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that shit to her, or she might fuck another nigga."

Hold on, hold on, writing this down . . . my pussy . . . bad bitch . . . might fuck another nigga . . . OK, got it. I think you'd have to say I'm the odds-on favorite now to win the next season of The Bachelorette. Thanks, Chris Brown!

*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna's mom is not happy

Rihanna almost got her ass kicked again last month, but this time it was purely out of love from her mom Monica, not jealous rage from Chris Brown. From Contact Music:

[Rihanna] was shown undressed in two photographs taken by her friend Melissa Forde as part of a new picture book project, and Rihanna's mum Monica was furious when the images hit the web. Rihanna reveals she is "terrified" of her mother and felt "humbled" by her harsh words.

She tells Britain's Elle magazine, "I'm not afraid of any person in this world but my mother, I'm terrified of her! She called me two days ago and reeled me in about two naked pictures Melissa (Forde) put up on Instagram, a sneak peek from a photo book she's making about me. She went crazy on me, I was like embarrassed. I felt like I got my ass whipped in front of my class at school! She humbled the fuck out of me."

Now wait a second, something doesn't compute. Rihanna took an ass-whippin' from Chris Brown like you only see in the most lopsided of boxing matches, yet she's deathly afraid of her mommy? I think I understand now how Rihanna took her epic 2009 beatdown in stride. Chris connected with at least ten unprotected blows to the dome that forced a standing eight count as required by World Boxing Association rules, but he's got nothing on Monica -- a vicious body-puncher who knows how to finish fights in style. Hey, I'm not just a ruggedly handsome master of the interwebs, I'm also licensed to promote fights in Tijuana, Mexico and at the Newark, NJ Police Athletic League. I suggest we go all-out and put Chris and Monica in the Octagon. The world wants to know exactly who is better at mopping the floor with Rihanna's face, and that question can only be answered in blood.

*5 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna leaving her hotel in London (2/17)

According to In Touch Weekly, Chris Brown is showering Rihanna with gifts to "prove that he's more serious" this time around. Hey, it beats being showered with haymakers.

A source tells the new issue of In Touch that the bad boy dropped $65,000 on a pair of Neil Lane chandelier earrings that he presented to the Barbados-born beauty, explaining, "Chris wants to prove he's more serious now."

The source reveals when Neil Lane originally lent Rihanna this pair of earrings -- Chris took note when she gushed over how much she loved them, and without her knowing, purchased them for her.

Of course Chris wants to show Rihanna that he's more serious now -- nothing says "I'm an immature little silly goose" more than nearly beating your girlfriend to death (and then getting your victim's battered face tattooed on your scrawny neck in celebration of the occasion). Screw this jewelry crap, Chris needs to take Rihanna shopping at Sports Authority since they now carry the finest selection of MMA training equipment she could ever need. If Neil Lane chandelier earrings get her all hot and bothered, then imagine how soaked her panties would get if Chris bought her an official Anderson "Spider" Silva mouth guard? Or maybe some Chael Sonnen autographed kick pads? Hell, I might have to change the ol' thong, myself.

*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna leaving Supper Club in Hollywood (2/26)

According to Pacific Coast News, Rihanna "appeared to have a white powdery substance on her long jumper" after leaving P. Diddy's birthday party at Supper Club on Tuesday night. Wow, this bitch must really love baking if she's doing it in the VIP section of a nightclub. "Snickerdoodles for everyone!"

*10 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery: