Archive: Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon bikini pics! (Malibu - 5/18)

Reese Witherspoon and boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal were spotted at Malibu Beach on Sunday. You can’t see Jake but he’s about ten feet behind Reese. I guess there was, like, a huge spider right by her. The amazing part of the story is that Jake — still on the beach mind you — actually found a couch to jump on. “Ew gross, ew gross, OMG someone kill it, ew gross!”

[Flynet]

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon in Rome (10/20)

The National Enquirer is reporting that Jake Gyllenhaal proposed to Reese Witherspoon during their trip to Rome last month but she turned him down because it’s “too soon.” The couple have been dating for only a few months. A source told the tabloid:

“Reese says it is just too soon after her divorce from Ryan to think about marrying again. She is madly in love with Jake, but her divorce just became final, and she doesn’t want to rush into anything. Reese wants to take things very slowly because of her two young children. She doesn’t want anything to upset or disrupt them. It took her a while to introduce them to Jake - she didn’t want them to know they were a couple until they were definitely serious about each other. They are madly in love. They really are the perfect couple.” (Source)

Will Jake stop with this charade before it goes too far? There’s kids involved for Christ’s sake and I don’t want to see them hurt just because Jake needs to keep up a false hetero facade. “Mommy, why does new daddy have four subscriptions to Men’s Health?” Hate to break it you guys but that magazine is g-a-y.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon in Rome

Confirming months of speculation about the two dating, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon were spotted holding hands in Rome earlier this week. Of course Reese is freshly divorced from actor Ryan Phillippe and Jake, well who knows what’s up with that dude. On some days I get the feeling he’s kinda gay but on others I can’t help but think he’s really fucking gay. As for a catchy celebrity couple nickname, I’m a bit partial to “WitherHomo.”

When asked by a local reporter about the relationship, Jake jumped up on a nearby couch and shrieked, “Eww, ewww, there’s a spider, step on it!”

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon at the premiere of Rendition during day 4 of the Rome Film Festival on Sunday

According to an excited anonymous tipster, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal may be Hollywood’s newest couple. She wrote to the Flynet Photography Agency:

I was eating dinner with a girlfriend at a restaurant called The Clay Pit in Brentwood on Friday night (March 30). I was sitting close to the front and I saw a Toyota Camry pull up outside driven by a male and he dropped off a female into the restaurant. Then to my surprise, in comes little Reese Witherspon looking totally cute.

She picked up some food for takeout and while she was doing that, I stared at the person in the Camry. I recognized instantly that it was Jake Gyllenhal! When she came back out to the car, he got out and opened the door for her and was shielding his face so that no one would see him but it was definitely him!!! I couldn’t believe it! I knew you said that they were dating but now I know for sure that they are!!!! Yipee!!!

So by my count that’s 12 exclamation points used in an anonymous tip about seeing Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon out and about. WTF? If you have a story that doesn’t involve giving birth to the ghost of Abe Lincoln or witnessing a woman giving birth to the ghost of Abe Lincoln, you are forbidden from ever using 12 exclamation points in any form of correspondence. Except sky writing.

NOTE: Reese and Jake’s full names are a combined 54 points in Scrabble. You probably already knew that. Nerd.

Jake Gyllenhaal and recently separated Reese Witherspoon are probably having sex. According to OK! Magazine, Jake was seen leaving her hotel the night after Reese was seen leaving his apartment. In completely unrelated news that has nothing to do about Jake Gyllenhaal’s sexuality whatsoever so don’t infer anything about this, Dictionary.com defines “charade” as the following:

a blatant pretense or deception, esp. something so full of pretense as to be a travesty