Rachel Uchitel

Elin Nordegren at Walt Disney World in Orlando (6/14)

The good news: Tiger Woods' ex-wife Elin Nordegren is dating again. The bad news: She's dating a dude who only has one degree of separation to Tiger's penis. Whoopsy! Via TMZ:

We told you yesterday ... Tiger Woods ex-wife is dating marketing exec Jamie Dingman, whose dad is a billionaire tycoon. But before Elin, sources tell TMZ Jamie and Rachel were an item -- and there was a little bit of an overlap with Jamie and Tiger, but Jamie bowed out to the golfer.

In fact, when Rachael got serious with Tiger, Jamie joked with her, "That ok. I'll date his wife, Elin."

And get this ... at the time the Tiger Woods scandal broke, Jamie was living with Rachel in a Miami home.

Of course Elin is dating someone who used to date one of Tiger's whores. Hell, my mom is dating someone who used to date one of Tiger's whores. There's, like, six people on earth who don't have a connection in some way to a chick Tiger Woods banged, and they've all been on a spiritual journey in Tibet for the past ten years. "Tiger Woods, that golfer from Stanford? Whatever happened with that kid?"

*6 Elin Nordegren pictures total in the gallery:

Rachel Uchitel bikini pics!

Rachel Uchitel -- who Tiger Woods famously paid $10 million in hush money to -- and her new boyfriend, 25-year-old former Penn State football player Matt Hahn, spent the day relaxing at Miami Beach on Monday. My god. Even when she's in the throes of a loving embrace with her significant other, she has her eyes scanning for a new famous target to shake down. I think this bitch may actually be the devil.

*25 Rachel Uchitel bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Rachel Uchitel CBS studios in New York after appearing on The Early Show (11/30)

Rachel Uchitel -- most famous for being the "ground zero whore" in the Tiger Woods scandal -- thinks very highly of herself now. She refused to fly out to L.A. for the premiere of Celebrity Rehab -- oh, she's also a drug addict -- because she couldn't fly first class. From TMZ:

Sources connected to mistress numero uno tell us Rachel tried to catch a flight from NYC to LA moments ago ... but she couldn't lock down a first class seat -- a total deal-breaker. Rachel then tried to book a last-minute flight to Vegas instead -- but struck out there as well because her flight was canceled. So instead of flying with the plebes -- Uchitel took her $10 million ass back to her ritzy Manhattan apartment ... where she will watch the premiere of her show all by her lonesome.

Rachel didn't want to go near the mouth breathers in the back of the plane? Whoa, I had no idea this chick turned so classy. What's next, tea and crumpets at the country club with Harrison and Muffy? I bet this time next year, Rachel ascends so far into the upper echelons of society that she stops blowing married guys in nightclub bathrooms.

*5 Rachel Uchitel pictures total in the gallery: 

Rachel Uchitel upskirt!

If you're anything like me, you were quite stunned to learn that professional mistress Rachel Uchitel (aka "Whore #1") doesn't wear panties. That's her flashing the paparazzi Friday night as she left BOA Steakhouse (close-up picture here if you're not at church or work). Pardon me for being so crass, but she doesn't seem like much of a lady. For example, you could never take her to the yacht club or a nice play. I'm beginning to wonder what compulsive sex addicts like Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz ever saw in this woman.

NOTE: To see the uncensored Rachel Uchitel upskirt pictures, click the picture above or any thumbnail with a yellow star on it and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

*10 Rachel Uchitel upskirt pictures total in the gallery:

Rachel Uchitel is not posing for Playboy

We were totally going to see Whore #1 Rachel Uchitel's boobs in Playboy, but then Tiger Woods had to be all uptight and put a turd in the punchbowl. Thanks a lot Tiger. From Radar:

Tiger Woods thwarted his ex-mistress Rachel Uchitel's $300,000 payday to appear nude in a men's magazine by threatening to overturn her multi-million dollar settlement with him.

"It put Rachel in significant danger of losing the millions of dollars Tiger paid her," a source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com. "The magazine wanted to mention Rachel's relationship with Tiger, but it would have jeopardized the deal she already made with him. They refused to give her complete control of the cover so she could make sure Tiger wasn't mentioned."

Those conditions jeopardized Uchitel's deal with Tiger, and she quickly realized there was no way to pose for Playboy without taking an enormous financial risk. Had Uchitel gone forward with the men's magazine shoot she was to appear "totally naked except her pubic area," the source told RadarOnline.com.

Rachel was going to be "totally naked except her pubic area"? I thought that was called "topless"? For a measly $300K, why would Rachel even consider mentioning her relationship with Tiger? She already took $10 million in hush money from the poor horny bastard. I guess this story just goes to show you that no matter how much you give a woman, she'll never do the one thing you wanted her to do in the first place: shut up.

*15 Rachel Uchitel pictures total in the gallery:

Rachel Uchitel is getting blacklisted

Rachel Uchitel wants to buy a new apartment in New York with some of the $10 million in hush money Tiger Woods paid her, but she's having a tough time since most buildings in the city have a strict "No Whores Allowed" policy. Tough break. From the National Enquirer:

Sources say she's trying to settle down in a newly renovated three-bedroom, three-bath New York City Park Avenue condominium listed at $1,995,000. but a local real estate insider told The Enquirer exclusively that even though Rachel has the money to buy the place outright, the condo board is "fighting tooth and nail to keep her out."

"Rachel made out really well from her affair with Tiger- thanks to lawyer Gloria Allred- but that doesn't mean she's considered respectable by the board," continued the insider. "Manhattan is famous for being ultra-selective when it comes to approving who buys apartments, and this luxury building is no different. They consider Rachel a homewrecker and money-grubber, and don't buy into the idea that she is a respectable celebrity."

"Rachel believes she made her money fair and square and should be able to buy whatever apartment she can afford," added the insider. "But the other homeowners feel she helped break up Tiger's marriage and profited from it, and she's not the type of person they want as a neighbor."

Who would have thought that being an infamous whore who had her face plastered by Tiger Woods all over the tabloids would come back to haunt her? Rachel needs to realize that just because she has millions of dollars doesn't mean she has any class. She needs to leave New York ASAP and go live with people more like her -- people who don't have a problem whoring themselves out and spending another person's money inappropriately: like Congress. Do they have any rooms for rent?

*20 Rachel Uchitel pictures total in the gallery: 

Rachel Uchitel bikini pictures! (Malibu - 8/24)

For those of you keeping score at home, this marks the second time (pics from first time here) since Tiger Woods announced his divorce that Whore #1 put on a bikini and called the paparazzi to tell them she was going to beach. Wow, look at her climb those rocks. I've never seen such determination. There must be someone in a committed relationship at the top.

*15 Rachel Uchitel bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Rachel Uchitel bikini pics! (Maliu - 8/23)

What an incredible coincidence that the day Tiger Woods announces his divorce is official, "Whore #1" Rachel Uchitel emerges out of hiding and is seen prancing around Malibu in a bikini with a new manfriend (I hope his wife doesn't see these pics). And this lucky paparazzo just happened to be at the beach to see her. Boy, he really needs to buy a lottery ticket or something!

*20 pictures total in the gallery:

Gloria Allred and Rachel Uchitel at LAX last December

Tiger Woods actually paid one of his whores $10 million. Not for sex. Although that wouldn't really surprise me at this point. It was hush money. Wait a minute . . . I thought he had 20+ whores? Um, he needs a new accountant. From TMZ:

There were numerous reports Rachel settled on the brink of holding a Gloria Allred-style news conference for anywhere between $2 - 5 million.

But our sources -- and they are good -- tell TMZ Tiger was so concerned with the depth and detail of information from Alleged Mistress #1 that they folded like a cheap suit, and offered the huge $10 million sum in return for an ironclad confidentiality agreement.

TMZ has learned the actual settlement could fluctuate $1 million either way, depending on future circumstances. But the baseline is $10 mil.

Compare Rachel's settlement with what other A.M's received, if they got anything at all. We're told several mistresses got several hundred thousand dollars, and others got nothing. That speaks volumes about how much Rachel knows.

You've got to hand it to Rachel. That much money for spreading your legs is pretty impressive. Even I would fuck Tiger Woods for $10 million and I don't even have a vagina. She's such an inspiration -- a true American hero in every sense of the word. Because of Rachel, no longer will a whore have second thoughts about asking for an eight-digit payoff from their billionaire boyfriend. Because of Rachel, future generations of women will no longer fear the ramifications that come from extorting your boyfriend. She's the Jackie Robinson of whores.

Rachel Uchitel out and about in New York last December

Turns out that destroying someone's marriage has its benefits. Whore #1 Rachel Uchitel (aka "Ground Zero Whore") just got hired by Extra to be a correspondent. There goes any chance they had at winning a Peabody. From the New York Post:

Uchitel, who was interviewed last night by the show's Mario Lopez, "so impressed producers that she's been offered a job as a special correspondent," a rep told us. We're told she'll report for "Extra" on nightlife "hot spots." A show source added, "She won't talk about Tiger, but she talks about how she wants to find a husband and have kids. She only has a few real friends left whom she trusts. She is alone a lot and spends time with her two dogs. She seems very vulnerable."

If Rachel wants to "find a husband and have kids" she's going about it all wrong. Considering that she only dates guys who wear wedding rings, the only way she's going to be walking down the aisle anytime soon is if she becomes a polygamist or marries an 18th century Sultan. Of course, if Rachel insists on only dating married guys but still wants to have kids, there's still one surefire way these days to accomplish that goal . . . anyone know John Edwards' phone number?