R. Kelly

R. Kelly performing at the opening ceremony of the World Cup at Soccer City Stadium in Johannesburg (6/11)

World Cup organizers: "Mr. Kelly we'd love for you to perform at the opening ceremony for the World Cup."

R. Kelly: "Nah man, I'm pretty busy and all. I got a lot on my plate -- "

World Cup organizers: "You realize we're only 300 miles from Madagascar, right?"

R. Kelly: "So?"

World Cup organizer: "Their age of consent is 14. Anything goes on that freak show of an island . . . Mr. Kelly? . . . Mr. Kelly? . . . Is that, is that a jet engine I hear? Did you just get on a plane?"

*11 pics total in the gallery:

A rose? For me? You shouldn't have!

Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shocking nu-nu-nu-nu-news about R. Ku-Ku-Ku-Ku-Ku-Ku-Kelly. He can't read. Frow Showbiz Spy:

R. Kelly has been harboring a secret all these years — he’s illiterate. The Ignition hitmaker says that despite his musical talents, he can’t read and barely made it through grade school.

"When I was trying to make it out here, I already knew, and I was stubborn about it," he said. "I don’t even read really and I’m not afraid to say that. My cousins and brothers used to tease me ‘you can’t even read right. How you think you’re going to come up?’ The only reason I graduated from grammar school is because I had a great jump shot. I went to high school and [my teacher] told me ‘you will be one of the greatest writers of all time.’ I believed. You [have to] believe it. You can’t believe [anything] if you’re hating. You can’t achieve [anything] if you’re hating."

Describing yourself as "one of the greatest writers of all time" when you can't even read is pretty ballsy. That's like Rosie O'Donnell claiming to be Ms. Universe or Fox News claiming they're "Fair and Balanced." Of course, Kelly's illiteracy may finally explain why he *cough*allegedly*cough* had sex with an underage girl -- he couldn't read her driver's license. At least now I don't feel so bad about all the times I've bashed him on this blog (see here here and here): he's never read it.