Pauly D


Amanda Markert is the fucking devil

To be blunt, Pauly D's baby mama Amanda Markert is a piece of shit. After finding out Amanda was pregnant from their one night stand in Vegas last year, Pauly D offered to pay for an abortion (hey, it happens). Not only did she take the money and not get an abortion, but now she's shopping the text messages Pauly sent her to various outlets. Oh you bitch. From TMZ:
Sources tell TMZ...at the time Pauly felt it was the right thing to do, partly because of the way the baby was conceived. There was no plan to have a child and the fact is it was a one-night stand. As TMZ first reported, Pauly has come around in a big way, not only trying to see the baby but he's fighting for custody.
Yep, this story has all the dignity I've come to expect from the cast of Jersey Shore and their hangers-on. I can only imagine the pride that little Amabella Markert's gonna feel when she first Googles her name and discovers the story of her magical conception -- a greasy reality star plowing a waitress in a filthy public restroom on her lunch break, one of her feet in the sink, and the other in a shit-filled toilet. The only detail missing in this wonder tale is how many quarts of sand-laden herpes squirts Amanda farted out of her vagina and fart box after the encounter. Truly magical.

*30 Amanda Markert pictures total in the gallery:

  • Amanda Markert Instagram Pictures 1
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Pauly D launching his line of ready to drink cocktails at Walmart in Las Vegas (6/13)

Congrats to former Jersey Shore star Pauly D. Whether he likes it or not, he's a father now. It was just revealed that one of his many one-night stands gave birth to a son a few months ago. From TMZ:
The mother is 26, born in Jersey but she met Pauly in Vegas last year. We're told they hooked up while he was DJing in Sin City. The baby is a few months old, living with her mom. The mom has filed court docs in New Jersey to formally establish paternity, but we've learned Pauly has already taken a DNA test and he's the dad.
Wait a minute . . . his son was born a few months ago? Has anyone actually seen a close-up of Princess Kate's son? Rumor is her turn-ons are hair gel, Drakkar Noir you can smell from across the room, and syphilis.

*20 Pauly D pictures total in the gallery:

  • Pauly D Love Child 1
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Britney Spears giving Pauly D a lap dance during her concert in Puerto Rico in 2011

This can only end with Britney getting knocked up with a Jersey Shore baby. From In Touch Weekly:
Will Britney Spears and Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio be friends "till the World Ends"? Pauly thinks so! "We talk every couple of weeks," says the Jersey Shore star, 33, who served as Britney's opening act on her 2011 Femme Fatale Tour. And with Britney, 31, planning a move to Las Vegas this fall for a two-year residency with Caesars Entertainment, Pauly is hoping to spend more quality time with her. "We'll hand out a lot," says Pauly, who has a Sin City residency of his own at Aria Resort & Casino. "It'll be cool!" (Print Ediiton - 7/13)
Meh. Britney hooking up with Pauly D had the potential to write its own stories for an entire summer, but unfortunately for all of us, Britney seems to have either been cured of the crazies or her father James is an even better conservator than he is a short-order cook -- which is really saying something because nobody can deep-fry alligator tails like Mr. Spears. Actually, I feel bad for Pauly D. Even though she has an occasional hillbilly hiccup and "forgets" to strap those udders down during her coffee runs, Britney's been a model citizen for a while now, so it's unlikely Pauly will fist pump his way into the Spears' fortune. Only time and a shitload of meth will tell.

*5 Britney Spears and Pauly D pictures total in the gallery:

  • Britney Spears Dating Pauly D
  • Britney Spears Jersey Shore Boyfriend
  • Britney Spears Lap Dance
  • Britney Spears Sexy Dance
  • Slutty Britney Spears

Pauly D at the Midsummer Night's Dream Party at The Palms in Las Vegas (8/13)

Pauly D of Jersey Shore fame made $100,000 over the weekend. And he didn't even have to do anything gay. I mean, besides that thing he does with his hair. From the New York Post:
“Jersey Shore” hair-gel enthusiast Pauly D is spinning his way to more nlucrative DJ gigs after opening for Britney Spears on her Femme Fatale nTour and DJ-ing at MTV’s official VMAs after-party in Los Angeles. The nreality-TV musclecake will rake in an impressive $100,000 for a series of dates this weekend, including gigs at Pacha in New York and at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego. Tonight, he’s scheduled to hit Harrah’s Resort in Atlantic City for some serious fist-pumping.
$100,000 for a weekend of playing music? That's disgusting. I mean sure, you can't fault the guy for living the modern American Dream of having MTV supply you with alcohol and follow you around with a camera, but . . . $100K? For that kind of money these promoters could have booked acts with a lot more appeal than Pauly D -- like Carrot Top or AIDS.

*27 Pauly D pictures total in the gallery:

  • Pauly Payday 1
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Pauly D fancies himself a celebrity

I mean a tour rider. Pauly D actually has a tour rider for his DJing appearances like real-life famous people. In addition to four airlines tickets required for each gig (two in business class of course), promoters also have to provide a suite in a "four or five star hotel only" as well as multiple "deluxe single rooms" for his entourage. Good lord, MTV has created a monster. From The Smoking Gun:
In light of the “grenades” and “landmines” littering clubs, security is tight for the 30-year-old’s appearances. “A member of the security staff will be provided to meet and escort TALENT upon arrival at the airport and accompany the talent between airport/hotel and venue and lead TALENT into the venue and VIP area,” the rider stipulates. “Under no circumstances will TALENT be allowed in any public area unaccompanied by security.” DelVecchio is the “TALENT” in question here.

In the “VIP AREA,” a large table must be reserved “for the sole use of TALENT” (again, that is a reference to DelVecchio). Nobody other than “TALENT and Talent’s entourage” shall have access to the area with the permission of DelVecchio’s road manager. Yes, DelVecchio’s rider actually refers to his “entourage.”

DelVecchio also demands the provision of four bottles of “House Champagne.” The bubbly, though, will not be consumed by the DJ and his three-person posse. Instead, it will be used “to spray crowd.”
"Talent"? What talent does this guy have? Wow, he knows how to use iTunes. This greaseball should be rotating the tires on my '99 GEO Metro, not demanding bottles of champagne and business class seats. Frankly, if turning your hair into the BP Oil Disaster is all it takes to make it in this life, then I don't want to live anymore hurry up and pass me a couple of quarts of Pennzoil!

*5 Pauly D pictures total in the gallery:

  • Pauly D Rider 1
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Pauly D is rich, bitch

What are roofies going for these days? $5 a pop? That's 100,000 chicks a month this guy is hooking up with! From Life & Style:
“[Pauly D] makes at least $500,000 a month,” an insider tells Life & Style. Pauly D is seeing big dollar signs with DJ gigs, endorsement deals, and his own spin-off TV series.  He is also reportedly in talks with 50 Cent to sign with the rapper’s record label, G-Unit, and in the running to make a guest appearance on pop princess Britney Spears’ Femme Fatale tour.

But possibly the most lucrative job of all? Pauly’s one of the nation’s most in-demand DJs right now. “That alone commands up to $40,000 per set, and he does three to six gigs per week,” the insider says.

His list of endorsements includes a Miracle Whip commercial, a line of personalized greeting cards, his own iPad application and a partnership in the Dirty Couture clothing line.
This is absolutely disgusting. First Snooki gets paid tens of thousands of dollars to give a commencement speech, the Situation is thinking about buying a Ferrari, and now this? What the hell is wrong with this country? This guy should be asking me if I "want fries with that," not making more money in a month than I'll make in a decade. I think I speak for everyone here in saying that MTV can go fuck themselves with Magic Johnson's dick.

*7 Pauly D pictures total in the gallery:

  • Pauly D Millionaire 1
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Chloe Sevigny says she's not hooking up with Pauly D

Wait, really? She really has to clear that up? This just in: Leonardo DiCaprio denies dating Amber from Teen Mom. From Interview magazine:
BELLIKOFF: So I have to ask you, because you just brought up the issue and I'm sure you've seen the rumors. Are you dating Pauly D from Jersey Shore?

SEVIGNY: No, but I wish, because that would be hilarious. That would be the weirdest couple in the world. It would be like the apocalypse ... I think it's because we're both kind of extreme. We represent nextremes, in opposite directions. So for us two to come together, it would be a very strange meeting of the minds or colliding of two worlds. I haven't watched that many episodes, but of the ones I have... if I were to pick one of the dudes on the show, I'd definitely pick him.
Of course Chloe denies hooking up with Pauly D. Memory loss is one of the major side effects of roofie poisoning -- and she has yet to build up a natural resistance to it like most of the chicks in Jersey.

*22 Chloe Sevigny pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chloe Sevigny Pauly D 1
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Pauly D at In Touch Weekly's "Icons & Idols" party at Bar Marmont in West Hollywood (9/12)

Wait a minute, I thought only "real" celebrities were supposed to get panties thrown at them -- you know, like The Beatles (from horny women), Julio Iglesias (from horny women), and Clay Aiken (his own). From Chicago's WLS-AM:
The age-old fan tradition of throwing underwear at a beloved celebrity is alive and well in west suburban Aurora [Illinois].

When “Jersey Shore” star Pauly D arrived Friday night at the grand opening of LIT nightclub, 4448 E. New York St., a pair of black lace undies was one of the first things to greet him. As he stood in an elevated VIP section, accompanied only by two beefy guards, the underwear was tossed from a throng of shrieking, camera phone-wielding women crushing each other below.

A crowd of 400 people, according to LIT promoter Brandon Smith, drank and danced on the club’s opening night. Some had paid $440 for a table for eight and a bottle of Belvedere, which was delivered with a sparkler blazing from the top. Others had paid $100 to get an autograph from Pauly D and have their picture taken with him.
Who are these people that are so infatuated with Pauly D? Newsflash ladies: if you want to get close to something as greasy and orange as Pauly D, buy a bag of Cheetos. Of course, getting undergarments tossed his way was probably refreshing for Pauly -- since all of the women he lives with on Jersey Shore haven't worn underwear since elementary school.

*10 Pauly D pictures total in the gallery:

  • Pauly D Panty Worthy 1
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Baskin Robbins sucks

The Apocalypse is upon us: Jersey Shore has gone mainstream. Pauly D is now a spokesman for Baskin Robbins. I know, dumb. But I do have some good news. Mention this post at any participating Baskin Robbins and receive 20% off their newest smoothie flavors "Date Rape Raspberry," "Forced Abortion Apple-Cinnamon," and "Unprotected Sex Strawberry-Banana."

*31 pics total in the gallery:

  • Thumbnail: Pauly D Baskin Robbins 1
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: