Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson leaving Cipriani restaurant in London (3/4)

Stay as far away from the new season of Dancing with the Stars as you can. Because Pam Anderson has it in her mind that it's 1995 or something and guys really want to see her tits. From MTV:

While the world just learned Monday that Pamela Anderson had joined the "Dancing With the Stars" cast for season 10, her pal and fashion designer Richie Rich was in on the decision days before it was announced.

"I was just with her this weekend. She's one of my best friends. She's starting rehearsals this week. She's totally stoked and excited. She probably has the best legs I've ever seen on anybody that walks. I know she's taking a lot of different lessons. She's very on point. She's like a showgirl at heart. I can only imagine how amazing she's going to be."

Being that Richie is known for his over-the-top style, he would make for the perfect guy to design a few looks for Anderson to swirl in. "I'll definitely do something for her," he said. "I'll design something fun and outrageous and Vegas-style. ... She's so easy to dress. Boom! Put it on. I definitely think it's the Ice Capades meets Christmas. Gotta be over-the-top shiny, sparkly, colorful and fun ... and wearable. Pamela doesn't like wearing clothes, so it'll definitely be skin, skin, skin."

As a vocal supporter of PETA, Pam might appear to be hypocritical if she shows a lot of "skin" . . . since it'll probably look like she's wearing a leather bodysuit. The sad fact is that fifteen years ago, if Pam had wanted to win a dancing competition, all she would have had to do was a set of jumping jacks. Today, she's actually gonna have to dance better than the other competitors. Pam, I just have one tip for you: When you start dancing and audience member don't throw crumpled-up ones and fives at you, don't get confused.

Pamela Anderson promoting her new fragrance Malibu at Sears in Del Amo Fashion Center in Torrance (2/13)

See that store in the background? That's Sears. I don't mean Seärs, the famous Dutch boutique. I mean Sears, home of the low price guarantee. Pam Anderson is peddling perfume at Sears. How embarrassing. This bitch is about a missed rent payment away from faking her own death and running away with the insurance money.

Pamela Anderson at Club Play in Miami (2/2)

She's going to appear on a reality show. How embarrassing. From Radar:

Pam Anderson has signed to be on the next season of ABC’s hit Dancing With the Stars, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively. In a move that’s sure to boost the male viewing audience,

Clearly this article was written by a gay man and/or someone living underground for the past 10 years.

Pam and the show have agreed to all terms for a deal and the deal is done, a source told RadarOnline.com.

“She really wanted to do the show and the show thought it was a great idea,” the source told RadarOnline.com.

Well I guess we're going to find out who the Dancing with the Stars producers hate. Because whoever they pair Pam up with, they hate. "Maksim . . . by chance have you had your shots for rabies, scabies, syphilis, malaria, typhus, swine flu, hepatitis, smallpox, ebola, and plague?"

This was the hottest pic I could find of her

And by "great news" I mean "horrible horrible news" -- Pam Anderson is single. From Radar:

Looks like sparks are no longer flying between Pamela Anderson and her hunky lover Jamie Padgett, RadarOnline.com can exclusively reveal. Anderson confessed to a source that she was no longer dating Padgett and the pair spent the holidays apart with Anderson performing in the pantomime Aladdin in England before returning to celebrate New Year as a host at Paramount Studios in Los Angeles.

A source told Radar Online.com: “Pam made it pretty clear she is no longer dating Jamie and that she was looking for a new love interest. She didn’t have anything bad to say about him and described him as a ‘sweet guy’ and that she hoped they would remain friends.

No real shock that these two didn't last. Jamie didn't have the 3 things it takes to date Pam Anderson: 1. A Hazmat suit, 2. Enough wood to fill a lumber yard, and 3. An unhealthy affinity for the Grand Canyon and Mariana Trench.

NOTE: When Pam Anderson calls an ex-boyfriend a "sweet guy," that's code for "he only wept softly when he saw me without makeup, like a true gentleman."

Pamela Anderson at the 4th Annual "Gridlock New Years Eve Party" held at Paramount Studios in Hollywood (12/31)

Congratulations to those of you that guessed "1 second" to the question I posted last week: "How long into the New Year before Pam Anderson looks like an absolute fucking monster?" Your Celebslam.com windbreaker is in the mail.

Oh dear god

And I don't mean because of her face. I mean because of her taxes. Specifically, the taxes she hasn't paid for, like, a long time. From the Detroit News' "Tax Watchdog" blog:

Pam Anderson owes more than $1.9 million in delinquent taxes, records show. What's owed:

• The IRS filed a $1,700,173 lien against Anderson on Oct. 19 with the Los Angeles County Recorder of Deeds.
• The state of California filed a $252,360 lien April 7 in Los Angeles.

Damn. In 1990, Pam could have easily paid off this entire debt by auctioning off a single BJ. Now it'd probably take more than 8 million of them. And even when you consider Pam's past, pulling off a feat like that is impossible . . . unless she's given three weeks and a case of Red Bull. The bottom line is if Pam ever wants to pay off this debt, she's going to have to come up with the money by doing something she never thought she'd have to do: sell her platinum tiled pool earn it.

This must be what hell is like

Having already conquered the world of syndicated television and "looking like she just woke up on a near constant basis," Pam Anderson is recording a single. Of course she is. From the New York Post:

Pamela Anderson is launching a pop career with her debut single, "High." It's not about drugs, but about high fashion, her friend Richie Rich says. "We are recording a pop single together. Pam says she wants to sing, but nothing too difficult, so she's just going to sing the word 'high' over and over," he told us.

This is a big mistake. Pam Anderson isn't famous because people want to hear her, she's famous because people want to see her . . . 20 years ago. As a matter of fact, the only good thing that's ever come from her opening her mouth is her work with PETA video with Tommy Lee. Besides, if I really wanted to hear music from a chick who can best be described as a broken down shell of her former self, I wouldn't download Pam's single -- I'd go to a Britney Spears concert.

Pamela Anderson leaving Malibu Beach (11/20)

You think it was awkward when your parents sat you down when you were a kid and had "the talk" about sex. Yeah, well I'm sure your mom never had to explain her sex tape to you. Ouch. From the New York Daily News:

[Pamela Anderson] bares all in a candid interview that will be aired tomorrow on British television - including how she had to tell her two young sons about the raunchy home video she made with ex-husband Tommy Lee.

Anderson's coming clean to sons Brandon, 12, and Dylan, 11, about the tape was sparked by, of all things, her cameo in the 2006 comedy "Borat," reports The Daily Mail.

"I knew kids were going to watch the film and there was a reference to the tape in the movie and they're that age and, you know, people are going start saying things," Anderson tells British talk-show host Jeremy Kyle.

"I just said, 'Look, Mummy and Daddy were massively in love, we videotaped everything, everything was videotaped, and you're probably going hear about something at school.'"

Sorry Pam, but finding out about your sex tape isn't what clued in your kids to your sordid past -- your giant fake tits and daily dose of hep C meds took care of that a long time ago. Pam should actually consider herself lucky if it's taken her kids this long to figure out that she used to be a dirty slut . . . especially since most kids figure that out by themselves if they've grown up in a house where each week they call a new guy "daddy."

Pamela Anderson leaving Safeway in Malibu (6/1)

For those of you that haven't had breakfast yet, apologies for the picture above. My god. I mean . . . my god. So remember how bad Pam looked at her fragrance launch last week? It could have been worse. From the New York Post:

Are Pamela Anderson's famous looks fading? At her fragrance launch in Miami, her manager, Peter Asher, demanded that photographers shoot her only with a "ring flash," which eliminates shadows and imperfections. Asher got in a heated argument with top Miami celebrity lensman Seth Browarnik, who argued that the flash requires a large battery pack and slows the job. Asher then banned him and all others without a ring flash from Saturday's Make-A-Wish Ball.

A source said several photographers boycotted the charity event. A rep for Anderson's fragrance told Page Six, "I can only suggest it is something Pamela wanted."

A special flash used by photographers won't improve how Pam looks to men -- but a paper bag and a 12-pack might. If Pam really wants to keep what little dignity she still has left, the best thing for her to do is to fade into obscurity --  like Mel Gibson's career.

NOTE: If Pam's using trick photography to make herself look presentable now, in five years she's gonna look absolutely DISGUSTING . . . wait a minute, how did that word get linked?

Pamela Anderson launching her new perfume "Malibu" at the W Fort Lauderdale (11/5)

Things I would rather spray myself with than Pam Anderson's new perfume:

• Bees
• Swine flu
• Bees that have swine flu
  

NOTE: I don't know who that dude in the back is with the "oh hell no" look on his face, but I would like to be his friend.