Orlando Bloom

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom arriving to the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel (1/13)

Miranda Kerr damn near accidentally flashed her vagina at the Golden Globes last night. Accident my ass. She knows exactly what she's doing. She's trying to seduce me over the internet again. I won't fall for your tricks a third time, temptress!

*31 Miranda Kerr pictures total in the gallery:

Miranda Kerr at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show in New York (11/7)

Orlando Bloom's mom Sonia is denying rumors that her son has split with wife Miranda Kerr. It's true. The spy cameras she installed in their bedroom told her so. From the Daily Mail:

Asked about the break-up rumours, Sonia Copeland-Bloom said: "Of course not, no. I don't know where this has come from but, my gosh, they are very happy."

Asked if they planned on spending Christmas together, she said: "Yes, absolutely, everything is fine - I'm sorry I really can't say any more to you."

And a source close to the couple backed up Orando's mother's heated denials. He told Mail Online: "All these rumours are utterly false.They're spending the holidays together with Orlando's family.  Both have been working on opposite sides of t he world, and it will be their first opportunity to spend some time together."

Aw geez, it's over. Sorry about that, Legolas, but you and I both know that your wife doesn't have the defenses to keep DiCaprio from invading her camel toe's borders. If you think of Miranda as Poland in 1939, then just imagine that Leo -- armed with his trusty custard gun -- is leading the blitzkrieg to penetrate her southern border while Orlando plays the cuckholded Neville Chamberlain who stares on in disbelief. Look, I know none of you were looking for a history lesson on this site, but some of you just got a little bit more worldly because of it. You're welcome.

*30 Miranda Kerr pictures total in the gallery:

Orlando Bloom and a friend in Pasadena (4/1)

Settle down Orlando, you're going mountain biking in Pasadena, not Iraq. Jeremy Renner didn't even wear that much protection in The Hurt Locker.

*21 Orlando Bloom pictures total in the gallery:

Miranda Kerr is pregnant

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr surprised everyone with their short engagement and secret marriage. I mean, why would they get married so soon unless Miranda was pregnant or something? Oh hey, whadduya know, Us Weekly says:

"She's definitely pregnant... Miranda's thrilled," says a source close to the Australia native, who wed the actor, 33, at an undisclosed location -- reportedly in the Caribbean -- less than a month after revealing their engagement on June 21. "She's telling all her friends, mostly other models, about it."

While the pal says no official announcement will be made, the couple of three years' big news will be hard to keep hidden.

"She poses in lingerie," says the friend of Kerr, who has modeled for Victoria's Secret since 2007. "It will be obvious soon enough."

What the hell took Orlando so long? He's been dating this piece of ass for three years. If I were him, Miranda would have been pregnant within the first hour of meeting her. Hell, Miranda Kerr is so damn hot, I would have traveled back in time and impregnated her even before I met her.

NOTE: Can you be a MILF if your kid still has a tail?

*6 photos total in the gallery:

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom secretly wed

Just a month after they announced their engagement, Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom got secretly married. Um, somewhere. From Us Weekly:

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have secretly wed, reps for both stars said.

Still no word on when or where they tied the knot, but in a statement released Thursday, Kerr, 27, announced that she has canceled an appearance at the Australian department store David Jones to celebrate.

"David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together," she said. "I’m very much a part of the David Jones Family and I am very committed to my role. I am enormously grateful to David Jones to have been given this time to enjoy such a special moment in my life."

Kerr and Bloom, 33 -- who been dating for nearly three years -- announced their engagement in June.

This is just like Miranda to be all spontaneous like this and not tell me. It reminds me of that time she filed a restraining order and changed the locks on all of her doors. Just because you caught me hiding under your bed once doesn't mean I'm a violent stalker. You're so funny Miranda!

*20 photos total in the gallery:

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr leaving Taverna Tony restaurant in Malibu (7/5)

Orlando Bloom's girlfriend Miranda Kerr was acting awfully friendly with actor Lukas Haas on the dance floor at the Jane Hotel in New York last week . . . which would lead one to believe that Lukas saw her naked about an hour or so later. From the New York Post:

If Miranda Kerr is still dating Orlando Bloom, they have a very understanding relationship. Spies at the Jane Hotel the other night saw the Victoria's Secret model dancing with actor Lukas Haas. One witness reports, "They were together the whole night . . . Jared Followill from Kings of Leon kept staring at them." A rep for Kerr did not return calls.

Can you really blame Miranda for going out with other men? Victoria's Secret models can't be tied down to one guy -- especially if that guy uses the same strawberry exfoliator and wears the same size pants they do. They need someone whose broad shoulders and bulging biceps will make them feel safe and protected  --  so a lot like a Roman gladiator or celebrity blogger. Why just the other day I lifted an entire gallon of milk over my head. Twice.

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr in Sydney (2/26)

Orlando Bloom is passing up a $15 million+ payday for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie because he wants to spend more time with his girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. From UK tabloid News of the World:

Pirates of the Caribbean star Orlando Bloom is giving up his movie treasure quest - because he has all the booty he needs at home. The star is turning down a part in the fourth Pirates flick to spend more time with Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr.

I'm told: "Orlando loved the films but thinks it's time to bow out because they tied up nicely for his character Will Turner. The producers are OK with that because they want to concentrate on the new adventures of Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow."

What the hell is Orlando thinking? Dude, I don't care if Miranda's vagina is made of cinnamon and rose petals, $15 million is $15 million. With that kind of money he could travel to some Eastern Bloc country and buy as many eager-to-please girls as he wanted. The real reason why he's sticking with her must be that she's either spectacular in bed or just has that certain "je ne sais quoi" quality Orlando's looking for in a woman -- a large penis.