Oprah Winfrey

Buy high, sell low

Oprah buys house, never moves into it, sells it for $3 million loss. Brilliant. From the Chicago Tribune:

Media giant Oprah Winfrey's Chicago-area real estate portfolio is a bit lighter these days. On Tuesday, Winfrey finally unloaded her eight-room, 4,607-square-foot Streeterville co-op unit for $2.75 million, closing the chapter on an unusual real estate odyssey. Winfrey actually had never occupied the three-bedroom unit, which is in the building at 199 E. Lake Shore Drive. She paid $5.6 million in 2006 for the sixth-floor space but had a change of heart after buying it, and she decided to remain in her massive duplex condominium in a different building a few blocks away.

Hah! The one percenter took a bath in the housing market -- how's that hope and change working for ya? Yeah, yeah, I know that fatso probably bought $5 million worth of hot dogs this week, but it doesn't mean that I can't laugh at a multi-billionaire's misfortune when it happens. If we've learned anything over the last few decades, it's that the only thing that Oprah loves more than her "good friend" Gayle is money. Trust me, $3 million is nothing to sneeze at, even for ol' fat wagon. I'm willing to bet that tonight's scissoring session will be a lot less intense than usual. How much less? About $3 million worth.

*15 Oprah pictures total in the gallery:

Oprah Winfrey leaving ABC Kitchen restaurant in Manhattan (4/4)

I have a feeling this is the kind of heartwarming tale we'll be passing on for generations to come. It's that important to world history. It's. That. Important. Via the San Francisco Chronicle:

Director Tyler Perry showed off his generous side by handing his billionaire pal Oprah Winfrey a luxury car after she fell in love with his vehicle. And his generosity didn't end there - when [Gayle] King called to thank him, he ordered another of the luxury motors for her.

King tells Vanity Fair magazine, "(Oprah admired the Bentley) so he sent her the same exact car. I called Tyler and told him how amazing that was because nobody ever does anything like that for her, on such a grand scale. And so, the next day when I got home, there was a Bentley in my driveway!"

So does this mean that Tyler will give me a Bentley if I tell him how much I like it, or do I need to be a one percenter before that happens? Hey Occupy Wall St., do you guys have anything to say about this or is mustering phony outrage two straight summers in a row too expensive for your suburbanite parents to cover? As for Moneybags Perry, I hope he really is that generous. I admire movies that don't have Tyler in them, so it would be great if he could reach deep into his pockets and give everyone more of those.

*10 Oprah Winfrey pictures total in the gallery:

You're damn right I just posted a picture of Oprah WInfrey's cleavage

Oprah Winfrey has apologized for one of her tweets on Sunday which encouraged television viewers with Nielsen boxes to tune in to her network OWN ("Every 1 who can please turn to OWN especially if u have a Neilsen box"). She said in a statement to the New York Times:

"I removed the tweet at the request of Nielsen. I intended no harm and apologize for the reference."

A Nielsen spokesman added:

"It is Nielsen’s policy to note attempts to single out panel members to either change their viewing habits or otherwise influence or affect their reporting," the spokesman said later in an e-mail message.

Such attempts are rare, but are taken seriously by Nielsen, since its ratings are the foundation of the entire television industry, setting advertising rates and determining the success or failure of shows.

So Oprah encouraged Nielsen box owners to tune in to her network, which would raise the ratings and allow her to charge even more for advertising. In other words, even though she's worth north of a billion dollars, she wants more money. I think I see what's going on here: Oprah Winfrey is hell bent on world domination. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if all those jobless "Occupy" slackers are actually Oprah employees, gathering intel for their boss 24/7 -- at the expense of their own personal hygiene -- on the inner machinations of this country, just waiting for her to make a move. Suddenly it all makes sense. Your move, Seal Team 6.

*12 Oprah Winfrey pictures total in the gallery:

Arnold Schwarzenegger leaving Cafe Roma in Beverly Hills (6/25)

*throws bundled up wad of 100s at each other* . . . From the National Enquirer:

It was Oprah Winfrey who urged Maria [Shriver] to walk!

“Arnold had totally believed he could convince Maria to stay with him, and that she wouldn’t have left without encouragement,” said a family friend. “He thought the ‘leave the creep’ advice had come from Maria’s cousin/main family confidant, Robert Kennedy Jr., but a mutual friend says Maria confided it was Oprah she first unburdened her secret to - and Oprah told her to get out of Dodge! Now Arnold wants revenge on Oprah, and badly, for meddling in his family affairs.”

It's not every day that you get to see two of Hollywood's elite go at it. Frankly, I wouldn't know who to support. Do I root for the misogynistic serial philanderer who fathered a child with his housekeeper out of wedlock and kept it secret from his wife for more than a decade? Or the talk show host who's brainwashed more American women than De Beers. Tough call.

*10 Arnold Schwarzenegger pictures total in the gallery:

Oprah leaving Icebergs restaurant in Sydney, Australia (12/12)

Oprah's new network OWN ain't exactly taking off -- she's basically a huge failure. Expect her house to go into foreclosure very soon. From the New York Times:

Oprah Winfrey is finding out just how hard it is to build an out-of-the-way channel into a television destination.

OWN, her two-month-old channel, is attracting fewer viewers than the obscure channel it replaced, Discovery Health. At any given time this month, there have been about 135,000 people watching OWN, according to the Nielsen Company, and only about 45,000 of those people are women ages 25 to 54, the demographic that the channel is focusing on.

Those ratings levels, down about 10 percent from Discovery Health’s levels last year, are being carefully watched by people who would like to rebuild cable channels around other celebrities, and by investors who worry that OWN is a drag on Discovery’s stock.

Oprah's going to learn the hard way that if you want ratings, you can't air programs that focus on feelings and emotions. You've got to show tits and ass.* It's the old axiom that "Sex Sells" "Men Control the Purse Strings" "No one wants to listen to whiny bitches whine for 24 hours a day." If they did, they'd just get married.

*See Celebslam.com for an example.

*25 Oprah pictures total in the gallery:

Oh Kirstie, you shouldn't have!

Back in May 2009, in an interview with People magazine, Kirstie Alley revealed that she wanted to do the unthinkable with Jamie Foxx:

How's your dating life going?

"I haven't been having sex. I did have dates, but I think I'm worse than I ever was! I want a booty call with Jamie Foxx. For real. I've always had a bit of a thing for him."

Do you feel desirable when you're overweight?

"Do I feel desirable? If Jamie came over I would! Because I feel like he would understand the full-figured woman. I do."

And shockingly, upon hearing the comments, Jamie didn't immediately move to a deserted island in the South Pacific, saying, "I do like them thick (big)... (and) she is thick."

I bring up Kirstie's comments from last year because, in an interview set to air today, Oprah Winfrey had a little surprise for her. From People:

Winfrey reminded the Fat Actress star of the quotes and inquired if she really would love "a booty call from Jamie." Replies Alley: "You know, me and about 3 million other women in the United States."

"Well, you know, that's really great because we have a special relationship, but I don't want a booty call," Winfrey says of her friend, who magically appeared via closed-circuit TV - prompting screams from Alley.

"Kirstie ... with Oprah's permission, I'll be your booty call," Foxx, 42, tells her.

Oh god. Well if these two are going to hook up, they need to take it slow at first. Maybe Jamie can take Kirstie out to Chili's and get some ribs and chicken wings and sliders and some of those jalapeno poppers and maybe some spinach & artichoke dip, mmmm, that's the best. And of course, a few sodas to wash it down. As for what Jamie should order, I don't know, I'm sure he'll find something on the menu he likes. He just better make sure he keeps his food on his half of the table. Reaching over to Kirstie's side is a damn good way to lose a hand.

Jessica Simpson to tell-all on Oprah

I really hope that dumbass John Mayer isn't hoping to win back the housewife demographic anytime soon. His ex Jessica Simpson is doing Oprah. Ohhh, ouch. From In Touch Weekly:

An insider close to Oprah Winfrey tells Life & Style that Jessica will tell all very soon on Oprah’s couch in a revealing interview pegged to Jess' new VH1 show, The Price of Beauty, which premieres on March 15.

John may have shared all his dirty details about Jess with the world, but will the pop singer use her chance to do the same?

"Knowing Oprah, I'm sure she’ll ask Jessica her thoughts about John or her response to him,” said the insider. “It's up to Jessica how she'll respond. She’s remaining tight-lipped on it at the moment."

Jessica Simpson appearing on a talk show is a complete waste of her "talents." The public isn't interested in what she wants to get off of her chest -- they're just interested in her chest. Speaking of television, how long until we're flipping through the channels and run across Jessica bawling her eyes out because she didn't get a rose on the first episode of The Bachelor? I give it six months.

Oprah Winfrey at the gala screening of Precious at the Toronto International Film Festival (9/13)

Using the morning to catch up on stuff I wanted to post on Thursday but the [Wild] Turkey prohibited me from doing so. According to the National Enquirer, the real reason Oprah is quitting her talk show in 2011 is so she can spend more time with her "friend" Gayle. Aw, how sweet. "Guy Who Can't Take A Hint" thinks they must be really really close friends. From the tabloid:

The move will also mark the end of Oprah's longtime relationship with Stedman Graham, sources say, as the 55-year-old media mogul focuses her attention on grooming Gayle for her own talk show on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) and other projects for the two of them. As part of her plan, Oprah intends to move Gayle into "The Promised Land," her sprawling 42-acre estate in Montecito, Calif., which she's told pals will be her primary residence.

"Now that she's giving up her talk show, Oprah sees no reason to stay in Chicago," said a TV insider close to Winfrey. "She was planning on making the transition to the Southern California area anyway, for the sake of her Oprah Winfrey Network. She and Gayle have a number of good friends in the Santa Barbara area, and they feel like it's home. They both love it there."

Oprah's move to California with Gayle, 54, will also mark the end of her relationship with 58-year-old Stedman, the public relations and marketing executive she began dating in May 1986.

Wait a minute, Oprah really named her estate "The Promised Land"? Was her goal to confuse it with a lesbian theme park? I guess cooler names like "The Beaver's Den" and "Six Flags Vagina Mountain" were already taken. Oprah ending up with a woman really shouldn't be that much of a surprise. When you're a loud-mouthed fat chick you really don't have much of a choice.*
 
*See: O'Donnell, Rosie; Etheridge, Melissa; and Aiken, Clay

That's actually gravy

Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement speech Sunday afternoon at Duke University. And she pretty much nailed it (via the Wall Street Journal):

"It’s great to have a nice home. It’s great to have nice homes! It’s great to have a nice home that just escaped the fire in Santa Barbara. It’s great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn’t great is lying to you."

Of course Oprah's right about the house thing. All these celebrities that tell you the best part about being famous is giving back to others or seeing a smile on a fan's face is full of shit. No, no, no, I take that back. The best part about being famous actually is seeing a smile on a fan's face . . . while she's laying next to you naked in your 9000 square foot beachfront home in Maui.