That's actually gravy Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement speech Sunday afternoon at Duke University. And she pretty much nailed it (via the
Wall Street Journal):
"It’s great to have a nice home. It’s great to have nice homes! It’s great to have a nice home that just escaped the fire in Santa Barbara. It’s great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn’t great is lying to you."
Of course Oprah's right about the house thing. All these celebrities that tell you the best part about being famous is giving back to others or seeing a smile on a fan's face is full of shit. No, no, no, I take that back. The best part about being famous actually is seeing a smile on a fan's face . . . while she's laying next to you naked in your 9000 square foot beachfront home in Maui.
Oprah hearts Fudgsicles
In "fat again" news, Oprah's fat again. She reveals in January's O magazine that she's gained 40 pounds since 2006 and once again weighs over 200. The talk show host told the Associated Press:
"I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?' I'm embarrassed. I'm mad at myself. When it comes to maintaining my health I didn't just fall off the wagon. I let the wagon fall on me. I didn't follow my own fundamental rule of taking care of self first."In 2005, Winfrey said she starved herself for four months to lose weight. Ever since, her weight has yo-yoed. She weighed as much as 237 pounds and by late 1990 acknowledged she had regained most of the 67 pounds, saying "I'll never diet again." (Source)
No wonder she gained weight. When you're as wealthy as Oprah, you can afford finer dining luxuries like rich creamy sauces, gourmet cheeses, and succulent pre-schoolers. That said, a billionaire like her should never be fat -- she can afford to have a trainer, nutritionist, or Samantha Ronson's finger on hand to keep her weight down. Of course if Oprah really wants to induce vomiting, she could always try ipecac lima beans watching her own show.
Oprah forced to poop like a normal person
During Barack Obama's post-election speech in Chicago on Tuesday night, Oprah Winfrey was *gasp* forced to use a porta-potty. It was the first time in her life she's ever used one. Via Starpulse:
Millions of Americans saw the talk show queen in tears during Obama's moving post-election speech in Chicago, Illinois' Grant Park - and Winfrey was so determined not to miss a word, she kept her legs crossed and dashed for a porta-potty as the new President left the stage.She says, "In all these years at every event, I've said, 'No, I'm not going to do the porta-potty' but I said I better use it." (Source)
This story has to be fake. Not that it's beneath Oprah to take a monster dump in a porta-potty mind you -- it's just that my analytical mind will not bend enough to accept this as fact. First, I didn't hear anything regarding hundreds of people dying in Chicago Tuesday night, which is a natural result of an Oprah public bilge dump. Second, unless someone finally figured out how to collapse space/time, how do you explain The Big O "dashing" anywhere and/or wedging herself into a portable toilet?
[WENN]
She really wanted to make $400 million
According to an in-depth study conducted by TV Guide, celebrities makes millions of dollars a year. Who knew! The results of their shocking research:
- Oprah Winfrey's income: $385 million/year
- Simon Cowell: $50 million/year
- David Letterman: $32 million/year
- Charlie Sheen: $825,00/episode of Two and a Half Men
- William Peterson: $600,000/episode of CSI
- Mariska Hargitay: $400,000/episode of Law & Order: SVU
- Kyra Sedgwick: $275,00/episode of The Closer
At $385 million a year, can you imagine how much money Oprah has to pay in taxes? The poor thing. There's no way I'd want to have to shell out that kind of money to the government every April. Nope, I'm happy just the way I am with my Ramen Noodles, 12 Guatemalan roommates, and scurvy. Besides, if you want to be fat, gay, and old you don't need to make hundreds of millions of dollars a year . . . you just need to be this guy.
[WENN]
A sampling of topics over the past few years from The Oprah Winfrey Show:
"Oprah's Bra and Jean Intervention"
"Oprah's Bad Hair Day"
"Medical Mystery: The Mermaid Girl Miracle"
"Releasing Your Inner Sexpot"
"The Best Burger in America Discovered!"
"The Best Cake in America Revealed!"
"Does My Butt Look Big?"
"Dog with Jobs"
One of Oprah Winfrey’s family members sold her ass out to the National Enquirer, revealing to the gossip mag that the media mogul had a secret baby at age 14 (the baby died shortly after birth). Oprah confronts the rumor in the newest issue of her namesake magazine:
"A member of my family who has since passed away had gone to Florida, headquarters for The National Enquirer, sat in a room, told them the story of my hidden shame — and left their offices $19,000 richer."
She also reveals the betrayal by one of her family members was actually a blessing in disguise:
"Having the secret out was liberating. Not until then could I begin the repair work on my spirit for the sexual abuse and damage done to me as a young girl."
In other Oprah related news, this weeks Forbes magazine named Oprah the richest woman in show business, estimating her net worth at $1.5 billion.
Women who have secret babies at 14 aren’t supposed to get their names on any sort of Forbes Magazine list. They’re supposed to ask me if I want to buy a lap dance, which by the way, I never turn down. Young mothers who've suffered through years of sexual abuse always give that extra little bit of effort.
On her show promoting his new movie “The Pursuit of Happyness,” Will Smith left friend Oprah Winfrey speechless after he solved a Rubik's Cube puzzle right in front of her. After Smith claimed he could solve a Rubik’s Cube in less than two minutes, Oprah challenged him to prove it.
As Winfrey cut to commercials, Smith feverishly clicked away and had solved the colorful puzzle when the show returned after the break, leaving the host stunned and impressed.
Two minutes to solve a Rubik’s Cube? Big deal. One time I got three Jeopardy questions right IN A ROW. One after another, I was in the zone that night my friends. You should have seen it. And don’t try to sully my accomplishment just because it was Kid’s Jeopardy and the category was ‘Things that Rhyme with Hay’. Haters
Madonna will appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show this week to discuss the controversy surrounding the adoption of David Banda, a 13-month-old boy from Malawi. The show will tape Tuesday and air Wednesday, a spokesperson for Harpo Productions tells the Associated Press. On Sunday, yet another bombshell dropped as the child's father, Yohane Banda, 32, told the AP he didn't realize Madonna had intended to take the toddler "for good":
"Our understanding was that they would educate and take care of our son just as they were doing at the orphanage," Banda said. "I am just realizing now the meaning of adoption." David's mother died a week after he was born, and Banda gave him to the orphanage because he was unable to care for him.In response to the growing controversy about the adoption, Madonna said in a statement to PEOPLE: "I expect to be given a hard time about many of the things I do. I know they are provocative and I prepare myself, but I did not expect the media, the government or any human rights organizations to take a stand against me trying to save a child's life."
Here in cosmopolitan America (a nation on the rise!), we have a name for orphans that have fathers: uhh...not-orphans...or something like that. I know, I know, we need to work on the name for those parentless orphans that have parents. I've been petitioning for 'hybrid dragonchildren' for quite some time now but no ones seems to take me seriously. You're telling me you wouldn't read a story about Madonna taking her hybrid dragonchild to the ice cream shop for a swirly cone? Of course you would.
Logic: 1
You: ZERO
Talk show host Oprah Winfrey is claiming that reports she collapsed from heat exhaustion during a recent visit to her hometown of Kosciusko, Miss are
completely false:
The 52-year-old was said to have felt unwell at the opening ceremony of the Oprah Winfrey Boys & Girls Club in a photo story for the National Enquirer. However, a spokesperson for Winfrey says, "Oprah Winfrey did not collapse, nearly blackout, suffer from dizzy spells or have her knees buckle at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Oprah Winfrey Boys & Girls Club of Kosciusko and Attala County in Mississippi on September 4. The photo on the cover of the National Enquirer was manipulated to make it appear that she was lying down when she was actually seated, cooling off before she addressed the crowd."
This may go down as the oddest conspiracy of the year. I mean, if you had heat exhaustion, wouldn't you just admit it? It doesn't seem like that big a deal. It's not like I opened the National Enquirer and thought "Oh my God, Oprah had heat exhaustion last week! What a huge scandal--her career is over!" She's not exactly conspiring with Al Qaeda to bring down the US government. OR IS SHE?
Tom Cruise might be making another appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show:
"Tom needs to repair his image and Oprah is more than glad to help him," the insider says. "She feels partially responsible for what happened because it all started on her show."
Tom's in a tough spot here. Since he can never truly repair his reputation, the best he can hope for is for some other famous actor to do something really insane to deflect some attention away from him....."Tom really doesn't seem as crazy to me ever since Tom Hanks stole that F/A-18 Hornet from the Navy and rained hell and fire upon downtown Los Angeles. Tough break crashing into the Hollywood sign."
