Recently in Nicky Hilton Category

If you've always yearned for a tell-all book that attempts to explain why Paris Hilton acts like a Thai hooker with children to feed and rent to pay, today's your lucky day! Jerry Oppenheimer, author of the new book "House of Hilton," explains why he wrote about Paris when he could have been doing something better like sleeping or skipping rocks across a lake:

"Every generation has an It girl and Paris became this generation's It girl," says Oppenheimer. "My goal in doing this book was to figure out how she became who she is. I came away from this research with a lot of sympathy for Paris. I came away feeling a bit sympathetic for her because I don't think she had a chance to do anything besides what she is doing."

Oppenheimer's book contains some great anecdotes about each Hilton:

Nicky Hilton:

Childhood friends were wary of Nicky because of her family. "Nicky wasn't included in a lot because she was rich, because she had the Hilton name ¯ you know, she was the first kid to bring a cell phone to school, so all of that made it difficult, and Paris already had a reputation at the school," remembers Gini Tangalakis, the mother of one of Nicky's childhood friends. "It didn't appear to me that there was much parental involvement."

Big Kathy (Paris' grandmother):

Big Kathy's first daughter, Kathy (Paris' mother), was conceived in the back seat of a 1957 black Chevrolet convertible with boyfriend Larry Avanzino. The couple then had a shotgun wedding to please their families. It would be the first of four for her.

Kathy and Rick Hilton:

During one incident at a Hilton hotel, Rick and Kathy left their dogs alone in a suite for three days, without walking them. "There was dog shit and dog piss all over the place," a source told Oppenheimer.

Paris Hilton:

At Hilton hotels, Paris demanded the same VIP treatment that her parents received. One insider told Oppenheimer she "used the saunas in one hotel to go to the bathroom because they were too lazy to get out of the sauna to use the actual bathroom.

And I thought my family was weird because my Mom forced me to call her 'Frank' after her operation. At least I was conceived in a car that had anti-lock brakes.

Surprising exactly no one, the Hilton sisters made a scene at the annual Playboy Mansion Halloween party. According to one witness, Paris danced on a table as her single, "Stars Are Blind," played in the background. One annoyed witness summed up the reaction (mind you this is a person attending the Playboy Mansion Party not some MENSA convention): "The reaction is now always the same - her posse of sycophants surrounds her, cheering her, as most people groan--It is really getting old." Nicky may have out-slutted Paris as she supposedly made out with a short guy (oh the horror!):

Nicky provided her own show on the dance floor, "being bent over backwards against the stage by a height-challenged young man as she wrapped a leg around his hip and they played tonsil hockey. She later spent an hour crawling under the tables (apparently) looking for a lost purse. When upright, she was stumbling all over . . . as she was fondled everywhere but the bottoms of her feet by the little 'dance' partner . . . She is handling her breakup with Kevin Connelly in a very mature and sophisticated manner - not!"

You just know that Halloween has to be the favorite time of the year for the Hilton sisters. It's the one time of the year when their slutty outfits don't stand out of the crowd. It reminds me of President's Day. It's the one day a year my George Washington costume doesn't make me feel like a freak.

*curls up into a fetal position*

*and urinates

P.S. I didn't know people were still punctuating sentences with the exclamation "Not!" I thought that phrase died along with Pogs and Trapper Keepers...