Nick Loeb

Sofia Vergara in Miami (1/2)

Sofia Vergara and her fiance Nick Loeb's fight on New Year's Eve was so bad that Loeb was thrown "out of the back door of the club" by four security guards, but the two were spotted yesterday at the beach in Miami. Sofia does look a little melancholy. If she really wants to get back at Nick for pushing her and ripping her dress, she should pull down her top right there on the beach in front of him and the paparazzi. "Hey Nick, jew push me again, I leave jew and jew no touch these again!" and leave it down for a few minutes so Nick and the paparazzi will know she means business. I promise I won't look.

*34 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb leaving their hotel in Miami Beach (12/30)

Sofia Vergara and her fiance Nick Loeb rung in 2013 with arguing, screaming, and even "pushing and shoving," according to some witnesses. "Happy New Year, you fucking bitch!" From the New York Post:

Sofia Vergara's fiance Nick Loeb was thrown out of a Miami club after they had a heated argument, Page Six has exclusively learned. Witnesses said Loeb and the stunning actress began arguing in the VIP section of hot new Miami Beach club Story in the early hours of today. One said there was "some pushing and shoving" before the fight was broken up.

One witness told us, "Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee. This happened right in front of everyone in the VIP section. Four security guards grabbed Nick and threw him out of the back door of the club, with Sofia following behind." It is believed the couple then returned to their hotel.

Wow, that was quick. From what I understand, Nick's New Year's resolution was to not physically assault the hand that feeds him -- but luckily for him, Sofia has a little Rihanna in her. I'm not gonna lie to you kids, I'm having a really hard time wrapping my enormous intellect around this relationship. I'll just go ahead and email my close personal friend, super-nerd Dr. Michio Kaku, to get to the bottom of this.

Update from Dr. Kaku: Nick Loeb is hung like potted cactus.

*15 Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb at LAX airport (10/12)

Sofia Vergara's fiancee? Turns out he's just a little bit crazy. He's taking over her life in much the same way her breasts have taken over my imagination. Seriously, it's getting bad. I think I may need therapy. From the National Enquirer:

Sofia Vergara's fiancee Nick Loeb, wants more than her hand in marriage - he wants to control every facet of her life! That's what insiders are saying after the 37-year-old entrepreneur recently went behind the "Modern Family" star's back and fired members of her support staff. They add that Nick's also been pressuring Sofia to make questionable investments as well as alienating her from close friends.

"He fired Sofia's beloved maid a few weeks ago," a source told The ENQUIRER. "He warned Sofia's handlers that her manager is on the chopping block too, because Nick wants to push her more into movies and away from TV. She has no idea the extent to which Nick is trying to take control of her career and finances. He's treating Sofia more like a bank cash machine than a bride-to-be. And Sofia is such a loving, trusting woman that she would never suspect that Nick is using her for her fortune. What's worse is that Sofia's management team members are so afraid of Nick axing them that they aren't speaking up and warning her." (Print Edition - 11/19)

This Nick Loeb person sure has his claws dug deep into Sofia's rockin' ass, doesn't he? Nick's taken over her business and private affairs like a boss, which is odd because he's pretty much a nobody. Nicely done, sir. You've earned your Manwhore PHD via pimping out one of the greatest pieces of ass since I started taking stats.

*10 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara is engaged

Nick Loeb can blow me. From Celebuzz:

It's a very happy 40th birthday for Sofia Vergara. As reported earlier Tuesday, the Modern Family actress was proposed to by boyfriend Nick Loeb while the couple vacationed in Mexico. Celebuzz has learned exclusive details about his romantic proposal.

"He popped the question while at the Mayan archeological ruins of Chichen Itza with the entire birthday entourage," a source close to Vergara tells Celebuzz. "Following yesterday's proposal, the couple returned back to Rosewood Mayakoba where they celebrated with family and friends, including Modern Family cast mates Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Julie Bowen and Sarah Hyland."

Who wouldn't want to marry Sofia Vergara? She looks like that, and she's 40? I really can't smash Nick too hard because getting his hooks into her really is a no brainer. As a matter of fact, it took Nick so long to pop the question that I have to wonder if maybe he's a little bit queer. My problem is with Sofia. Honey, why are you settling with that nobody when -- ahem -- there's a master of the information superhighway who's willing and able? I might still live at home, but mother tells me I'm one hell of a catch and there's nobody good enough for her special guy. I happen to think you're good enough, Sofia. How about you, me, and mother go out on the town and hammer this thing out?

*10 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb leaving Bagatelle restaurant in Manhattan (6/7)

After splitting up last month, Sofia Vergara and her ex Nick Loeb had a "sexy date night" last week in New York, according to Life & Style. I'm guessing a woman wrote that. An eyewitness told the mag:

"They attended a private party at [downtown nightclub] WIP before heading over to [members' club] Soho House at 9 p.m. Nick and Sofia hung out with friends on the rooftop and were clearly enjoying each other's company. They're definitely back on.

"Nick had his hand around Sofia and was rubbing her back and butt. She seemed really happy and energetic the whole evening. They couldn't get enough of each other. They left together hand in hand."

Nick Loeb is the luckiest sonofabitch on God's good green Earth. This idiot is a NOBODY, yet last month he had the balls to look at Sofia Vergara and say "Eh, I can do better." Imagine that shit? Nobody can do better, dickhead! I'll be honest, up until a few weeks ago, I thought this douche, like Frankie Muniz, was just really good at weaseling his way into pictures with celebrities . . . little did I know that Sofia was actually showing Nick the goodies. Holy shit, did you really think you were going to all of those A-list gatherings because of your scary talent, Nick? Now you know the truth, you're little more than Sofia's personal coat check girl.

*10 Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara shopping at Scoop NYC in Manhattan (5/4)

After dating for more than two years, Sofia Vergara and her boyfriend Nick Loeb have broken up. Good, I never trusted that guy. What kind of weirdo name is "Nick," anyways? Freak. The New York Post says:

The Colombian stunner and New York-based Loeb broke up over the weekend following a series of arguments, sources tell us. And, on Monday, she attended the Met Ball alone.

A source told us, "Sofia was confiding in friends at the ball that she and Nick have split. They have been fighting a lot recently and have been on the brink of splitting many times. It is not yet clear if they are over for good, but they are done as a couple for now."

Another source told us that Vergara and Loeb's relationship stumbled under the pressure of her growing fame and popularity. Her success on "Modern Family," and as host of "Saturday Night Live" — as well as her obvious sex appeal — has turned her into one of TV’s biggest female stars.

On the bright side for Nick, this is officially the low point in his life -- it's all uphill from here. He could blow a homeless dude and people would still talk about that time he broke up with Sofia Vergara because she was getting too famous. He's got it made. Especially if he's into blowing homeless dudes.

*17 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara leaving a restaurant in L.A. (9/1)

Sofia Vergara talked to another guy at an Emmys reception. EVERYBODY PANIC! From the New York Daily News:

Watch your back, Nick Loeb. The banking heir's girlfriend, actress Sofia Vergara sure seemed to enjoy chatting with handsome Edgar Ramirez at the reception that was held for Emmy Award nominees at Wolfgang Puck's Spectra in Los Angeles on Friday.  After accepting a certificate for her nomination, the "Modern Family" made a beeline for Ramirez, who was nominated for playing terrorist Carlos the Jackal in the three-part movie "Carlos." After the hotties spoke Spanish to each other, Vergara asked her manager to take a picture of them. Loeb hadn't arrived in L.A. yet because we hear he was attending a friend's wedding in Florida. He made it West in time to be by Vergara's side at Sunday night's awards. A source close to Vergara says not to read anything into the encounter, noting: "Sofia and Edgar are friends."

I'm sure Nick has nothing to worry about. A lot of guys' girlfriends are close "friends" with good-looking male movie stars. What's the big deal? Relationships in Hollywood are known to be iron clad and something as innocuous as an attractive third person would never break them up. I say Nick should just trust Sophia explicitly and let her do who what she wants. At least that's what I always tell the Sofia Vergara doll that watches over me as I sleep. With authentic hair!

*10 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara's boyfriend is a lucky man

Sofia Vergara's boyfriend Nick Loeb dropped her off at the mall in Brentwood over the weekend, and to show her appreciation, she gave him a nice kiss. You know how you can use your knees to steer your car if you're using your hands to shave or eat lunch or something? Well Nick did that driving home, but he used his raging erection. He's quite talented. He even pulled off a 3-point turn. Hell, most Asian women can't do that with both of their hands.

*16 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb out and about in New York (6/26)

It takes some brass balls to string along a piece of ass as hot as Sofia Vergara. She's not even this dude's girlfriend -- she's his side piece. My god, he might be the most badass dude on Earth. From the National Enquirer.

"Modern Family" stunner Sofia Vergara won't be happy to learn that on-again, off-again boyfriend, trust-fund heir Nick Loeb, is secretly refusing to end the relationship with his wife, say sources. Although the Colombian actress knows Nick is still married, he promised her he's getting a divorce. Nick's estranged wife Anna has been pushing for him to sign the papers and make it official, but he's been dragging his feet, The Enquirer learned.

"Sofia will be livid when she finds out Nick is refusing to take the final few steps to sever his marital ties," a close source revealed. "All Nick has to do to put the divorce behind them is pay Anna a paltry sum of money that they both agreed upon in mediation and sing the divorce decree, but he refused to follow through. Nick's jealousy and controlling nature have always created problems in his marriage to Anna. Now it's getting in the way of their divorce. The best way for Nick to prove his love to Sofia would be to cut ties with his wife once and for all."

Sofia's friends are right -- there's only one thing Nick has to do to prove his commitment, devotion, and everlasting love to Sofia: leave the woman he's already made that promise to. It's sad to know that we live in a day where, after reading a story like this, we can actually be made to feel like it's the mistress that is being mistreated in this relationship. *granny voice* That poor, poor woman.

*6 Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb pictures total in the gallery: