Nick Loeb

Sofia Vergara leaving a spin class in Brentwood (9/11)

There's no easy way to get over Sofia Vergara dumping your ass, but I'll be damned if Nick Loeb isn't trying his hardest. Talking to the New York Post last week, Nick took the "she wasn't good enough for me anyways" approach and slammed his ex:
"I'm sort of a conservative, so I like a girl to dress a little classier," he says.

Meaning not a lot of Vergara-style cleavage?

"No," he said. "I've always sort of liked the more classic, elegant look on a woman."
You know what trumps a woman dressing like Elizabeth Taylor? Tits the size of watermelons. Me thinks Nick Loeb has his priorities mixed up. Dude needs to stop snorting the onion dust

*15 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Classy Dresser 1
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Nick Loeb promoting Onion Crunch at Big Smoke Burger in New York (7/15)

You may think Nick Loeb is depressed and suicidal after being dumped by Sofia Vergara? Nah, man. He has onions. Delicious, crispy onions. And that's worth 50 Sofia Vergaras. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he's a billionaire by this time next year. As long as the tomato lobby doesn't hold him back. They're pretty powerful.

*5 Nick Loeb pictures total in the gallery:

  • Nick Loeb Onion King 1
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Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb in Sydney, Australia (2/22)

Our prayers have been answered. Sofia Vergara dumped her fiance, Nick Loeb. Finally, I'll have a chance to bang her . . . and by "I" I mean "John Mayer or Adam Levine." Sofia wrote on her WhoSay page:
Not that anyone should care, but in order to not give the press the chance to invent crazy and hurtful drama, I prefer to tell my fans personally that Nick and I have decided to be apart. We have been having too many problems with having to figure out how to spend time together and because of my work and now his, it's been getting worse and worse, not fun anymore. We are still very close but we believe this is the best thing for us right now.
Nick needs to look on the bright side: He no longer has free and easy access to Sofia Vergara's boobs or bank account, but he still has onions:


Yep, Nick owns that company. Sofia Vergara was engaged to the Onion Crunch King:
In the past, Vergara hasn't been happy with Loeb's onion peddling. He once reportedly tried to get President Obama to pose for a pic holding Onion Crunch on a trip to the White House with Vergara. He also smuggled in smaller packets of the flavoring, trying to get them to Obama's chef. (Daily News)
Shocked that this relationship didn't work out. Your fiancee has boobs straight out of a comic book and you're more worried about onions.

*20 Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Split Up 1
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Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb arguing at Miami International Airport (1/26)

Healthy marriages are built on a solid foundation of arguing and bickering, right?

*30 Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Airport Argument 1
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Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico (12/23)

So I guess Sofia Vergara didn't break up with her fiance Nick Loeb. There was a rumor last week that the two had called their wedding off, but there they are earlier this week on vacation in Puerto Vallarta. And of course Nick has a shit-eating grin on his face. Guess I don't blame him. I could win the lottery tonight, but I'm not waking up next to Sofia Vergara in the morning :(

*30 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Puerto Rico 1
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Sofia Vergara might not be getting married

Nick Loeb is an idiot if he fucks this up. Not only is Sofia Vergara hot as hell, but she's rich as hell, too. Sofia Vergara is so damn hot that I'd fuck her even if she had a bad credit score. A source tells In Touch Weekly about Sofia and her fiancee Nick Loeb not spending Thanksgiving together -- a hugely important holiday in Sofia's home country of Colombia . . um, I think.
"She and Nick have been having problems since this summer, and they've been spending more time away from each other," an insider tells In Touch. "There is no wedding date, no plan, no dress."

And though the Colombian-born beauty plastered her Instagram page with photos of the Thanksgiving dinner she hosted with her son, Manolo, 21, on Nov. 28, Nick was nowhere to be seen.

"He wasn't with Sofia," confirms a source close to the businessman. Adds the insider: "The fact that Nick wasn't with her family on Thanksgiving speaks volumes."
Good Xenu on his rocket ship, enough with this asswipe. Nick is probably the luckiest coat check boy in the history of the world. I understand that Nick's daddy is supposedly rich or a member of the Illuminati or whatever, but God damn did he hit the jackpot when he met Sofia. Stupid Nick went from being a spoiled little rich zilch to being a spoiled little rich zilch who's allowed to be a part of Sofia's A-list life -- all he has to do is hold doors open for her and translate that unintelligible gibberish that comes out of her beautiful mouth. I hope stupid Nick does fuck this up -- the boy needs to go back into obscurity and earn his fame instead of having it handed to him by being the guy who gets to motorboat the greatest set of 32F titties seen since Rob Kardashian went to the beach last weekend.

*10 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Wedding Off 1
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Sofia Vergara in Miami (1/2)

Sofia Vergara and her fiance Nick Loeb's fight on New Year's Eve was so bad that Loeb was thrown "out of the back door of the club" by four security guards, but the two were spotted yesterday at the beach in Miami. Sofia does look a little melancholy. If she really wants to get back at Nick for pushing her and ripping her dress, she should pull down her top right there on the beach in front of him and the paparazzi. "Hey Nick, jew push me again, I leave jew and jew no touch these again!" and leave it down for a few minutes so Nick and the paparazzi will know she means business. I promise I won't look.

*34 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara One Piece 1
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Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb leaving their hotel in Miami Beach (12/30)

Sofia Vergara and her fiance Nick Loeb rung in 2013 with arguing, screaming, and even "pushing and shoving," according to some witnesses. "Happy New Year, you fucking bitch!" From the New York Post:
Sofia Vergara's fiance Nick Loeb was thrown out of a Miami club after they had a heated argument, Page Six has exclusively learned. Witnesses said Loeb and the stunning actress began arguing in the VIP section of hot new Miami Beach club Story in the early hours of today. One said there was "some pushing and shoving" before the fight was broken up.

One witness told us, "Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee. This happened right in front of everyone in the VIP section. Four security guards grabbed Nick and threw him out of the back door of the club, with Sofia following behind." It is believed the couple then returned to their hotel.
Wow, that was quick. From what I understand, Nick's New Year's resolution was to not physically assault the hand that feeds him -- but luckily for him, Sofia has a little Rihanna in her. I'm not gonna lie to you kids, I'm having a really hard time wrapping my enormous intellect around this relationship. I'll just go ahead and email my close personal friend, super-nerd Dr. Michio Kaku, to get to the bottom of this.

Update from Dr. Kaku: Nick Loeb is hung like potted cactus.

*15 Nick Loeb and Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Fiance Fight 1
  • Sofia Vergara Fiance Fight 2
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Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb at LAX airport (10/12)

Sofia Vergara's fiancee? Turns out he's just a little bit crazy. He's taking over her life in much the same way her breasts have taken over my imagination. Seriously, it's getting bad. I think I may need therapy. From the National Enquirer:
Sofia Vergara's fiancee Nick Loeb, wants more than her hand in marriage - he wants to control every facet of her life! That's what insiders are saying after the 37-year-old entrepreneur recently went behind the "Modern Family" star's back and fired members of her support staff. They add that Nick's also been pressuring Sofia to make questionable investments as well as alienating her from close friends.

"He fired Sofia's beloved maid a few weeks ago," a source told The ENQUIRER. "He warned Sofia's handlers that her manager is on the chopping block too, because Nick wants to push her more into movies and away from TV. She has no idea the extent to which Nick is trying to take control of her career and finances. He's treating Sofia more like a bank cash machine than a bride-to-be. And Sofia is such a loving, trusting woman that she would never suspect that Nick is using her for her fortune. What's worse is that Sofia's management team members are so afraid of Nick axing them that they aren't speaking up and warning her." (Print Edition - 11/19)
This Nick Loeb person sure has his claws dug deep into Sofia's rockin' ass, doesn't he? Nick's taken over her business and private affairs like a boss, which is odd because he's pretty much a nobody. Nicely done, sir. You've earned your Manwhore PHD via pimping out one of the greatest pieces of ass since I started taking stats.

*10 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Asshole Fiance 1
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Sofia Vergara is engaged

Nick Loeb can blow me. From Celebuzz:
It's a very happy 40th birthday for Sofia Vergara. As reported earlier Tuesday, the Modern Family actress was proposed to by boyfriend Nick Loeb while the couple vacationed in Mexico. Celebuzz has learned exclusive details about his romantic proposal.

"He popped the question while at the Mayan archeological ruins of Chichen Itza with the entire birthday entourage," a source close to Vergara tells Celebuzz. "Following yesterday's proposal, the couple returned back to Rosewood Mayakoba where they celebrated with family and friends, including Modern Family cast mates Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Julie Bowen and Sarah Hyland."
Who wouldn't want to marry Sofia Vergara? She looks like that, and she's 40? I really can't smash Nick too hard because getting his hooks into her really is a no brainer. As a matter of fact, it took Nick so long to pop the question that I have to wonder if maybe he's a little bit queer. My problem is with Sofia. Honey, why are you settling with that nobody when -- ahem -- there's a master of the information superhighway who's willing and able? I might still live at home, but mother tells me I'm one hell of a catch and there's nobody good enough for her special guy. I happen to think you're good enough, Sofia. How about you, me, and mother go out on the town and hammer this thing out?

*10 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Vacation Pics 1
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