Nick Cannon

Nick Cannon and Kim Kardashian in 2006

The best thing about this story is that I had actually forgotten that Nick Cannon used to date Kim Kardashian. Mariah Carey is getting Kim Kardashian's sloppy seconds. Hah! Via Contact Music:

The America's Got Talent host began dating Kardashian in September, 2006, but the couple split only four months later and Cannon claims he ended the relationship because she wasn't straight with him about her raunchy past.

The star, who is now married to Mariah Carey, tells U.S. shock jock Howard Stern, "This was my issue. We talked about this tape... And she told me there was no tape. If she might have been honest with me I might have tried to hold her down (stay with her) and be like, 'That was before me' - because she is a great girl. She's actually one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. But the fact that she lied and told me that there was no tape, (I couldn't get over it.)"

OK, so is Kim a liar or is she a great girl? Nick, don't start lying now -- what you told Howard is horseshit and you know it. Back in '06 when Kim was trying to make a name for herself, she was known as "Paris Hilton's fat friend with the sex tape," so do me a favor and just keep it real. When you saw that Ray J was packing a bazooka in his pants, you knew that you could never measure up to him. Although honestly? Considering Kim's modus operandi, it's safer to assume that she dumped you because of your lack of fame and . . . sorry to say, you're not black enough.

*5 Nick Cannon and Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon shopping in Paris (4/27)

Even after four years of marriage, you can tell that Nick Cannon is still madly in love with Mariah Carey. It doesn't look like he's growing annoyed with her at all. Nope.

*25 Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon pictures total in the gallery:

Nick Cannon's career really taking off

That headline's a joke of course. He's officially hit rock bottom and is doing dumb PR stunts for publicity. From OK! magazine:

Talk about setting a lofty goal! Nick Cannon, the America’s Got Talent host and hubby of Mariah Carey, aimed to smash a record in The Guinness Book of World Records by setting a record for the most hugs given in one hour.

On Friday right before he went to City Field, the Mets’ ballpark, he tweeted, “hey NYC! I’m here trying to break the hugging record. Come show love!”

Why is it when Nick Cannon does this sort of thing it's called "breaking a Guinness World Record" but when I do it it's called "a 500 yard restraining order from the elementary school"? Regardless, it sounds like things are really going well for Nick these days. Rather than furthering his career, he's entering ridiculous competitions that make him look pathetic. So basically, it's exactly like being on Celebrity Apprentice.

*15 Nick Cannon pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos Tuesday, February 8

Nick Cannon going through security at LAX airport (pics start here)

Lukas Haas and Mark Wahlberg on the set of their new film Contraband in New Orleans (pics start here)

Brooklyn Decker leaving MTV Studios in New York (pics start here)

Elizabeth Hurley arriving at Melbourne Airport in Australia (pics start here)

Avril Lavigne outside the Four Seasons Hotel in Paris (pics start here)

Eva Mendes arriving at Heathrow Airport (pics start here)

Kat Von D arriving at LAX airport (pics start here)

Padma Lakshmi leaving Kalustyans in New York (pics start here)

Katie Holmes arriving at Gorilla Food in Vancouver (pics start here)

Molly Sims going through security at LAX airport (pics start here)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus leaving Tavern Restaurant in Brentwood (pics start here)

Amanda Seyfried leaving her personal trainer's house in West Hollywood after working out (pics start here)

Dannii Minogue leaving a TV studio in Sydney (pics start here)

*110 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Mr. and Mrs. Diva

Settle down Nick Cannon. You host a talent show. You're not important enough to make demands about soap. From the National Enquirer:

Sounds like Nick Cannon's taking diva lessons from wife Mariah Carey, whose on-tour demands are legendary! When the "America's Got Talent" host stepped into the backstage bathroom at a Florida stadium charity event, he immediately bitched that the bar soap didn't cut it because "it's not the moisturizing kind." Nick's peeps instantly dispatched a gofer, who scoured local shops and returned 30 minutes later with the proper rub-a-dub for Nick's scrub. My SpyWitness, who later shook hands with Mr. Carey...er, Cannon, reports that his paw felt "silky smooth and dainty." (Print Edition - 9/20)

Can you really blame Nick? I know that when I travel, I always make sure the hotel's bath soaps are the moisturizing kind. Of course, that's because it's not just my hands that I'm moisturizing when I take 45 minute showers. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting Nick doesn't travel with his own "masturbation soap" like a civilized person -- I'm just saying that if given the chance, the hotel's amenity-sized body lotion works as a fantastic substitute. Thanks a lot Gwyneth Paltrow and your fantastic newsletter! It's full of great tips!

*15 Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey pictures total in the gallery:

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey out and about in Malibu (5/29)

Please please please let Mariah Carey become the new judge on American Idol. I want to see Mariah Carey's loopy ass attempt to form coherent sentences on TV every Tuesday and Wednesday night almost as much as I want a car made of solid gold. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Nick Cannon's pitch for "American Idol" to pick his wife, Mariah Carey, as a judge might pick up steam now that it appears Jennifer Lopez is out of the running. People.com cites J.Lo's divalike demands as being a stumbling block to cutting a deal for her to join the show.

Are the producers of American Idol absolute morons? How would having Mariah Carey as a judge be any different than having J.Lo? While they're busy picking egotistical queens who think their shit doesn't stink, why not ask Gwyneth Paltrow, Tyra Banks, or Barney Frank to be judges? If Idol wants to rise to the top once again, they need to get someone in there who doesn't have such high standards -- like anyone willing to date Courtney Love.

*24 pictures total in the gallery:

Mariah Carey and her assistant

Nick Cannon has it made. If Mariah Carey ever divorces him, she's totally gonna hire him on as her lead butler. You know, since he has so much experience. From Janet Charlton's Hollywood:

Nick Cannon’s friends are teasing him because he doesn’t look like the same person since he married Mariah Carey. He used to wear jeans and sneakers, hip hop clothes etc. Now he’s always wearing dark suits, white shirts, and often ties. (Mariah picks out his clothes) His buddies told him “You Look like a BUTLER!” They notice that Nick watches Mariah’s every move for SIGNALS and he jumps to fulfill her need. “He looks like an eager employee who’s grateful to have his job!” His friends want Nick to “man up” but he’s content the way things are.

When someone never really had a career to begin with, they can't be blamed for selling out. Sure, there are some out there that might say that Nick's lost his dignity and self-respect by being Mariah Carey's bitch, but those people just don't understand what Nick has when he's with Mariah: love companionship a fully loaded 2011 Maybach.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon at the 82nd Annual Academy Awards in L.A. (3/7)

When you marry someone famous for their money you really can't be too pissed off when people only recognize you as the guy who married someone famous for their money. From the New York Daily News:

Nick Cannon isn't recognized for much these days - except for being Mariah Carey's hubby. The actor-turned-deejay was working out at Tribeca Health and Fitness on Friday when a fellow gym-goer approached and asked, "You're Nick Cannon, aren't you? I loved you in ..." But the lass drew a blank on anything Mimi's man had appeared in.

Mr. Carey, er, Cannon nervously laughed it off as the embarrassed lady attempted to apologize.

Wait a minute, what is Nick famous for? The only time you see him on camera these days is when he's doing errands for Mariah or testimonials for Summer's Eve. Can you really blame the woman at the gym for drawing a blank on his film accomplishments? The biggest movie he was ever in (Drumline) was about banging an inflated windbag -- which coincidentally, could be the title to his future tell-all about his marriage to Mariah.

Nick Cannon jealous of Mariah Carey's acting success

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey's marriage is going great . . . if you define "great" as Nick not having pushed Mariah off a building yet. From the National Enquirer:

Mariah Carey's acting success is more than a sore spot with hubby Nick Cannon. Competition between Mariah Carey and hubby Nick Cannon looks like it is causing more friction in their marriage. When the couple wed in April 2008, Nick "wasn't prepared for her to lord over him the way she does," a friend told The ENQUIRER. Nick, 29, believed they could make their two-career marriage work - he'd be the actor in the family, while Mariah, 40, stuck to singing. But Mariah's recent success on the big screen has gone to her head, says the friend, who also claims that Nick lashed out at her after she rubbed it in his face.

"I think it bothers him that Mariah is a hotter film property than he is right now," maintained another source.

Mariah followed her well-received role as a waitress in 2008's Tennessee with an eye-popping performance as a social worker in the Oscar contender Precious.

"Mariah reads every review she gets and loves to show them to Nick," the friend said. "Nick told Mariah early on how fickle Hollywood is and she shouldn't get her hopes up to be a movie star. Turns out she's eclipsed Nick's acting career by leaps and bounds."

Nick's upset because "Mariah is a hotter film property than he is right now"? Sorry Nick, but Urkel and the ShamWow guy are more sought after by Hollywood right now than you are. Frankly, the only actors that have starred in less films than him over the past few years are Anna Nicole Smith, Heath Ledger, and Lindsay Lohan. If Nick really wants to get back into the film industry, there's only one thing left for him to do: get a divorce go through puberty.

Nick Cannon leaving the Louis Vuitton boutique in Beverly Hills (12/19)

You know how the big joke in Hollywood is that Nick Cannon is basically just Mariah Carey's assistant. Well it's true. From Janet Charlton's Hollywood:

Nick Cannon isn’t often let out of the house alone, so it figures that he’s using the time to shop for Christmas gifts for his wife Mariah Carey. He browsed around Louis Vuitton in Beverly Hills with a male friend but he was always on the phone to you-know-who. He was asking a lot of questions to make sure he selected all the RIGHT things.

Poor Nick. There's got to be a more dignified way to make a living in Hollywood than becoming a glorified assistant to Mariah Carey -- like picking up dog shit. Even worse for him is the fact that most assistants in Tinseltown don't have to sleep with their bosses . . . unless they want a role in a movie. Hopefully Nick had the good sense to pick out the perfect present for Mariah this Christmas: a treadmill.