Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman at the premiere of Love and Other Impossible Pursuits at the Toronto International Film Festival (9/16)

Natalie Portman at the Apple Store in New York (4/23)

Natalie Portman is fed up with the lies -- she's denying rumors that I don't have a huge cock. No, wait, that was my sexy imagination typing. She's actually denying rumors (here and here) that she hooked up with Sean Penn. She told Us Weekly:

"Sean Penn is a friend and colleague. The reports that we are romantically involved are completely untrue. I normally do not respond to rumors about my private life, however, this repeatedly fabricated story has forced me to do so."

Amazing that Natalie let this spread for so long before issuing a statement. If I was in her position, I would have been denying these rumors faster than that Ahmadinejad dude from Iran denies the Holocaust. I'd rather have people believe I fucked Al Roker than that commie Sean Penn.

Natalie Portman at the Venice Film Festival last year

Is Natalie Portman at the center of Sean Penn and his wife's recent split? Sure, why not. The two supposedly hooked up in March and, according to Star, they're still together:

"[Natalie] stimulates [Sean] in ways no other person has, mentally or professionally," says a source. "There's a lot more there with Natalie than any of the other girls Sean's been with."

It was Sean's indiscretion with Natalie that encouraged Robin, 43, to stop turning a blind eye to his philandering. "She was furious he was messing around with such a young star," says an insider.

Natalie stimulates Sean in ways no other person has? Either Natalie has an eight-inch tongue or she learned how to recite Chairman Mao's Little Red Book in a Cantonese accent. Frankly, the fact that Natalie's dating a strange guy that's older than her shouldn't really surprise those of us that have seen The Professional Beautiful Girls her last boyfriend.

Natalie Portman nip slip!

Natalie Portman's nipple made a rare appearance at the White House Correspondents' Dinner Saturday night in Washington. Jenny McCarthy's was also invited but it chose to snub President Obama. Don't worry Jenny, I hear the weather in Guantanamo Bay this time of year is absolutely idyllic.

NOTE: To see the uncensored pic, click the headline pic and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

Ryan Gosling wants to tap that ass

I'm not sure if he's still going to want to hook up with her after hearing about what she did with Sean Penn, but Ryan Gosling totally wants to do Natalie Portman. From the Chicago Sun Times:

They're keeping it very hush-hush, but I understand Natalie Portman is "intrigued" by Ryan Gosling, who has been actively wooing her since the couple met recently at an L.A. nightclub. Gosling has been kind of a regular DJ at the hot Bardot's nightspot. "Natalie always has been attracted to actors and other men who are intellectuals ... and Ryan qualifies," says a BZ spy who should know. Along with continual "and very poetic" text messages, the star of "The Notebook" reportedly has been sending Portman first editions of books he thinks she'd like. (Source)

Is sending a chick a "first edition" book really how guys are picking up women these days?  Back in my day, men were more "romantic." We'd slip a little something in our target's drink, drag coerce gently lead them back to our place, and three months later organize a shotgun wedding. Ahhh, but those were simpler times -- when women couldn't do such silly things as read and file police reports all by themselves . . . and men actually had testicles.

Natalie Portman and Sean Penn at the Cannes Film Festival in 2008

Natalie Portman, 27, and Sean Penn, 48, were caught making out last week at the Sunset Tower Hotel's Tower Bar in West Hollywood. Wait, that can't be right. Sean's been married since 1996. Maybe Star can help clear up the confusion:

"They went to a bank of elevators that only goes to the spa or to private rooms," an eyewitness tells Star. "They came back about 45 minutes later, and that's when I saw them making out. There's a door outside of the hotel's Tower Bar that has a bridge to the terrace, so it's semi-private. I used that path to get to the restroom, and when I came back, I had to go through some curtains — and that's when I interrupted Sean and Natalie! When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves." (Source)

Rather than harp on how ugly and disgusting and dumb and gross and wrinkly and smelly Sean Penn is, I'd prefer to look at the bright side of this story. Before they were caught making out, Sean and Natalie were gone 45 minutes doing god knows what with each other. Well that's 45 minutes that Sean spent not talking about Karl Marx. I'd call that progress.

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman at the 81st Annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood (2/22)

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman leaving Joan's on Third restaurant in Beverly Hills (1/13)