Matthew McConaughey jogging in Malibu (2/19)
Even though he literally had one wrapped around his head when he was born, Matthew McConaughey admits in this month's
Elle that, when he was a kid, he didn't have a clue what was up with the vagina:
ELLE: Did you have any odd misunderstandings about human sexuality as a kid?
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY: Oh yeah. From checking out Playboy I always thought—jeezum, we still don’t have a better word for it than vagina, do we?—I thought it was behind the pubic hair, and it faced horizontal. You know, east/west, not south. So the first time I got to third base, man, I was hunting for a long time.
ELLE: You could have easily missed third altogether and wound up in a place so forbidden it never even got its own base.
MM: And I didn’t want to go there. I was real spooked about hunting around, so it took about an hour to find.
Matthew thinks there aren't vaginas that go "east/west"? Tell that to the billions of women that live in Asia, you narrow-minded racist.* Regardless, even if he didn't know exactly where the vagina was, it shouldn't have taken him "an hour to find." If true, there are only two reasons why it would have taken him so long to get to the promised land: 1. She was hairier than Robin Williams' forearm, or 2. Her genital region was smoothed over like a Barbie Doll . . . and Clay Aiken.
*So I've heard. Seriously, in fourth grade Billy Hastert told me so.
Matthew McConaughey at Ipanema Beach in Rio de Janeiro Brazil (2/21)
I've tried Matthew. It's impossible.
Matthew McConaughey running in Malibu (8/20)
I think I've finally pegged down where Matthew McConaughey gets his free-spirited attitude from. Definitely his mom. To generate some publicity for her new book I Amaze Myself!, she told Us Weekly about the strange circumstances surrounding her husband Jim's death:
"On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn't hear anything from him. Just nothing. But it was just the best way to go!"And when her man couldn't be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.
"I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift," she says. (Source)
atthew McConaughey's dad died having sex. Wow, what a great way to go. I hope to have that etched on my tombstone some day. No no no, I don't mean "Nick died having sex" but the actual phrase "Matthew McConaughey's dad died having sex." I wanna confuse people.
NOTE: If Matthew's father is anything like his son, the guy would have had to have an enormous cock . . . otherwise he wouldn't have been able to spank it with those tiny Tyrannosaurus arms!
[Flynet]
Camila Alves pops out a boy
atthew McConaughey is officially a dad. His girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to a baby boy last night. People says:
The baby – the first child for both – was born at 6:22 p.m. in Los Angeles, weighing in at 7 lbs., 4 oz."They're so happy!" said a close pal. (Source)
FYI, the couple set up their baby registry at 24 Hour Fitness. I already sent them the cutest "one poundsie" ankle weights. I don't want to rain on Matthew and Camila's parade, but their kid has weak calves.
Matthew McConaughey in Nicaragua (6/6)
With his pregnant fiancée Camila Alves sitting at home, Matthew McConaughey got blitzed on a surfing vacation earlier this month in Nicaragua. An eyewitness at a bar the actor happened by told Star magazine:
"He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old. He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around. A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him searching through a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, 'I've lost my flip-flops!'" (Source)
After recent flops like Fool's Gold and Sahara, if Matthew was digging around in the sewage ditch for anything, it was his career. That aside, can you blame the guy for wanting fresh poon? These days Camila's almost as fat as one of Kirstie Alley's thighs! If Matthew's going to take this whole parenting thing seriously, he better stop picking up random bar skanks and start picking up some Huggies.
Matthew McConaughey has never worn deodorant
On the set of their latest film Fool's Good, Kate Hudson begged Matthew McConaughey to wear deodorant but the star refused. McConaughey told Contact Music:
"[Kate] always brings a salt rock, which is some natural deodorant, and says, 'Would you please put this on?' I just never wore it. No cologne, no deodorant. The women in my life, including my mother, have all said, 'Hey, your natural smell smells, one, like a man, and, two, smells like you' . . . I take a few [showers] a day." (Source)
I never knew Matthew McConaughey was French! And here I had fooled myself into thinking that hygiene, talent, and brains were important to women for some reason. I guess I must be doing something wrong since he's the one dating the hot swimsuit model and I'm not (mom won't let me date yet). Oh and here's a newsflash for you Matt: It's not the "natural smell" of your body that women like, it's the "natural smell" of those $20 bills in your wallet.
PICS: Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson at the premiere of Fool's Gold in L.A. (1/30)
Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves in Malibu (7/07)
atthew McConaughey announced on his blog yesterday that his girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Camila Alves, is three months pregnant. And it's his! McConaughey wrote:
"Got some blessed news . . . a celebration of life and bounty . . . a newborn conceived . . . yes, my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together ... it's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far . . . we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and a father, and sheparding him or her through life." (Source)
To clarify, McConaughey didn't actually write that message on his blog. He beat his chest and his assistant translated.
EXCLUSIVE! Check out an artist's rendering of McConaughey's kid HERE
Pacific Coast News
atthew McConaughey finally moved out of his trailer over the weekend and into his new home in Malibu. I don't know, do women even like this guy anymore? He looks like he should be carrying a club, sketching deer onto cave walls, and beginning every sentence with "Me." I'm 95% positive you could steal his wallet if you distracted him with a flashlight.
If you're part of the 99.99% of America that doesn't read People magazine, you may not know that Matthew McConaughey topped their annual "Hottest Bachelors" list last week. Noticeable omissions include me and ... that's it. It's a good thing the list is based on looks alone since McConaughey, well, smells. From Mike Walker of the National Enquirer:
A woman who stepped into an elevator in an LA medical building and found herself standing right next to the bongo-banging, chest-baring hunk, was "breathless" at first – but when she finally did take a breath, she nearly passed out from the stench! "It smelled like a boy's locker room," she told My Spy, "…and at first, I wasn't sure where it was coming from!"As the elevator descended, the star smiled at her, they exchanged pleasantries – and the woman finally ID'd the odor she was whiffi ng as pure, unadulterated "Eau de McConaughey Au Naturale." The woman, who insists she's still a huge fan, giggled: "He sure is cute – but that was the longest elevator ride of my life!" (Source)
Strange. When I get into an elevator and make a smell (usually by farting), women don't walk away in awe of my appearance, they usually run out screaming with tears streaming down their face. One time I blew ass and pushed the emergency stop button just to see what would happen to the other riders ... I'm now wanted on multiple manslaughter charges in New Jersey. True story.
