Archive: Mary Kate Olsen

Feds close Heath Ledger investigation

Federal investigators have officially closed the investigation into the death of Heath Ledger. The results? . . . dramatic pause . . . Mary-Kate Olsen is being charged with attempted murder! Just kidding. No charges were filed against anyone. The Associated Press says:

Prosecutors in the U.S. attorney’s office in Manhattan had been overseeing a Drug Enforcement Administration probe into whether the painkillers found in Ledger’s system were obtained illegally. But the prosecutors have bowed out “because they don’t believe there’s a viable target,” said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because no charges have been filed.

The decision comes after recent reports that actress Mary-Kate Olsen was demanding immunity before answering questions about the startling death of her close friend and his drug use. Authorities say she was the first person called by a masseuse who found the 28-year-old “Dark Knight” actor’s lifeless body in his Manhattan apartment.

The DEA had obtained a subpoena that could have forced Olsen if she continued to hold out. But the subpoena, issued in April, is no longer valid because it was contingent upon prosecutors pursuing the case, the official said Wednesday. The official added that the case could still be revived if evidence of a crime emerges. (Source)

No viable target? What about the chick that’s demanding immunity before she testifies. What about her? Call it a crazy hunch, but I think she just may be hiding something.

Ahhhhhh, Mary Kate’s turned into a demon!

Mary-Kate Olsen has been on a free-fall since her boyfriend/lover Heath Ledger died in January. After months of non-stop partying, friends are worried that she may be heading down the same path as the troubled actor. From Star magazine:

Following one recent night of clubbing in L.A., the twin was so out of it that she collapsed in a public parking lot and then spent a short time in a holistic health spa to detox. But that didn’t slow her down, and insiders now fear she’s out of control and needs more treatment — fast!

“Mary-Kate seriously needs to get to rehab, but she doesn’t think she has a problem,” says a source. “She thinks she’s young, hip and entitled to live her life as she sees fit. But it’s affecting everything.” (Source)

The solution for all of Mary-Kate’s problems isn’t indulging in vices like alcohol, drugs, and partying — it’s binge eating. Just look at Kirstie Alley. When’s the last time you saw a story like this about her? Exactly. Of course learning how to quickly stuff pounds of food into her mouth shouldn’t be too difficult for Mary-Kate since there’s a good chance she already does it. The hard part for her will be not puking it up ten minutes later . . . and no longer shopping for clothes in the children’s section.

[Pacific Coast News]

Juuuuuuuuuust a bit creepy

I didn’t want to mention this because it’s just so damn retarded but Spencer Pratt and Mary-Kate Olsen have been fighting for the past week. It started on the David Letterman Show when Olsen — who went to high school with Pratt — revealed that he had a bad temper (Dave also called him a little “wormy”). In an interview with Us Weekly, Pratt fired back at Olsen calling her a “famous troll” (he’s not lying — the resemblance is uncanny) and the “less cute twin.” Rather than being a recent thing, it looks like the feud between the two stretches all the way back to high school. From a Details magazine article published in March of last year:

“Basically, I made it, like, my mission to try to go on a date with every girl on The Hills,” says [Spencer Pratt] who will proudly tell you he made $50,000 in high school by selling a photo he took of Mary-Kate Olsen drinking at a party. Pratt ended up “falling in love” with one of the Hills girls, Heidi Montag. Their drama dominates the current season. (Source)

$50,000? Wha . . . how . . . oh, that’s right, people used to care about the Olsen twins. Nowadays you couldn’t get $50k for a picture of Mary-Kate on the grassy knoll firing a shot at President Kennedy. Impossible you say because she wasn’t alive in 1963? Dude, did you not read the last post about Angelina Jolie? The French have a pretty kick-ass time machine now.

Mary-Kate Olsen is drunk

[Just Jared]

Mary-Kate Olsen is a hobbit

Mary-Kate Olsen in Tribeca yesterday and Gollum from The Lord of the Rings

Mary-Kate Olsen in L.A. (10/19)

The Olsen twins love athletes. Over the last few weeks, Ashley has been seen all over New York City with cyclist Lance Armstrong. And rumor is Mary-Kate is dating New York Rangers’ left winger Sean Avery. Too bad he’s cheating on her. The New York Post says:

Spies said New York Ranger Sean Avery, who was introduced to Mary Kate by a mutual pal, Bungalow 8 owner Amy Sacco, has a straying eye and, behind Mary-Kate’s back, has been seeing his ex- flame, Lake Bell, as well. Avery is not known for his gentlemanly ways; after his split from Elisha Cuthbert, he went around telling everyone he dumped the actress, not the other way around. (Source)

How do you possibly go from Elisha Cuthbert (and Rachel Hunter) to Mary-Kate Olsen? Isn’t that like trading in a Ferrari for a unicycle with a flat tire? I’ll give the guy a break though–he is a professional hockey player. Guy’s taken more hits than a Google search for Britney Spears’ vagina. Which reminds me: What’s the difference between Mary-Kate Olsen and a hockey stick? The hockey stick has at least ONE curve–and bigger tits.

Mary Kate Olsen at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala and one of those poor little birds Big Oil is always killing with their so-called “accidental” spills.

Twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen may be getting twin nose jobs. According to the upcoming In Touch Weekly, the two have already consulted with Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Raj Kanodia about the procedure. An “insider” told In Touch:

“Ashley has always thought her nose was a little too big, so she wanted to get it done,” an “insider” tells the mag. “When she talked to her sister about it, she loved the idea.” There has been speculation in the past that the mini-moguls have already had their features tweaked under the knife. “They both love changing their looks,” a friend tells ITW. “They thought this would make them look more polished.” (Source)

You know what I do when I want to change my look? I shower and put on a top hat. And then shine my pocket watch. And twirl my cane. Because that’s what people with top hats and pocket watches do. They twirl canes. And use sentence fragments. A lot of them.

Mary-Kate Olsen made quite the ass of herself earlier this week at Bungalow 8 in New York City: According to an “insider”:

“[Mary-Kate] was weaving around and kept falling off the banquettes she was dancing on. She made out with three random guys and was wearing a Mardi Gras mask.” A rep for the tiny twin noted that she is sober and declined comment. (Source)

Perfect, it isn’t a Mary-Kate Olsen story unless she’s wearing something stupid like a yeti jacket or a Mardi Gras mask. My dog has better fashion sense that this waif and he’s totally clueless. Just the other day I saw him wearing a vertically striped shirt with plaid pants. Eating your own shit is one thing but mixing up patterns is just plain embarrassing. I can’t even go out in public with him anymore.

More of Mary-Kate and Ashley dressing super ironically at New York “Fashion Week” after the jump…

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Note to Mary-Kate Olsen: If you don’t want your picture taken by the paparazzi, don’t wear an area rug out in public. To think I used to routinely masturbate to this chick. Now I think I’d rather whack off to autopsy photos.

By the way, notice how you never see Mary-Kate and the abominable snowman in the same picture? I’m just saying…

More pictures after the jump, if your stomach can take it…

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Mary-Kate might have picked up her old hobby of puking again. The first clue was her unusual disturbing horrific appearance at the Golden Globes earlier this month (shown above). Now an anonymous source has revealed that Olsen is still struggling with anorexia, working with her therapist “to keep her in line.” Of course her rep denies all this, saying her client isn’t losing weight (Note: I did NOT make this quote up):

“The blonde hair she has now makes her look skinny.”

See? It wasn’t the protruding collar bone, lack of breasts, visible rib cage, sunken eyes, chapped lips, missed periods, and multiple photographs of her shopping at Gap: Kids after all. It was the hair! Just look at the picture above. If you don’t let yourself get too distracted by that pesky hair, she’s the epitome of health. If she picked up barefoot water-skiing she could be the next Jack LaLanne.