Mariah Carey at the Cannes Film Festival in Cannes, France (5/15)
One time when I was a kid, I stuck a butter knife into an outlet and got zapped. Did I ever do it again? No, I learned my lesson. Well I guess Mariah Carey didn't learn that same lesson with the laughably-bad
Glitter in 2001. She came back for more -- she's at the Cannes Film Festival right now promoting her new film
Precious. As bad as she was in
Glitter, Mariah's performance in
Precious is actually generating buzz across Cannes. There's already talk that she's a shoe-in for the "Dude, look at that crazy chick's tits" award.
NOTE: Mariah's tits are so large and intimidating that half of Cannes has already surrendered to them.
Mariah Carey has a nice house
Mariah Carey's (and Nick Cannon's) new home in Bel Air
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon leaving Mr. Chow restaurant in Beverly Hills (2/19)
"All the right reasons" being she wants to make sure she has a girl and she doesn't want to get fat. Awww, what a heartwarming tale of self-sacrifice. From the
Chicago Sun Times:
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon really want to have a child together, but it's sounding more and more like adoption will be the preferred route to parenthood for them. Carey is said to be worried about massive weight gain if she got pregnant, plus she wants to have a child ASAP. The singer also is definite about wanting a little girl -- another reason for the desire to adopt. (Source)
So, Mariah wants a child without actually making one? Sounds like Nick's getting the raw end of this deal. Obviously adopted children these days are becoming the "must have" accessory in Hollywood,* but since when is it done to accommodate a person's time frame, narcissism, and gender preference? If Mariah is really concerned about rescuing a child from a life of hardship and pain, she doesn't need to adopt -- she needs to have her uterus removed.
*See: David Banda (Madonna), Maddox Jolie-Pitt (Brangelina), and Khloe Kardashian (Right?)
Nick Cannon actually got a job
Now he doesn't have to ask Mariah for a raise in his allowance! From
AP:
America's got Nick Cannon as the new host of "America's Got Talent." The musician, comedian, actor and producer will preside over the NBC talent competition series when it returns for a fourth season this summer, the network announced Monday.
This variety show is the first of "multiple projects we are looking to do with Nick at NBC," said network chief Ben Silverman. Cannon takes over "America's Got Talent" from Jerry Springer, who announced his departure last week. (Source)
Mariah will never allow Nick to take this job. It might require him to stay out later than 8 PM on school nights. You just know Nick's got to be desperate for any type of work at this point -- especially if he's willing to take Jerry Springer's sloppy seconds. Either that or he's looking for a way out of the house. Giving your wife manicures and pedicures can get tiring after a month or two. Something else that he's probably getting tired of: the kiddie leash he always has to wear. On the bright side, at least Mariah sprung for the 20-footer. That's a lot of independence.
Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey in Aspen (12/24)
Do you think Mariah Carey realizes Nick Cannon is actually her husband and not just an assistant she's having an affair with? I say no. From the
National Enquirer:
When Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon topped by the AXE Fix Club on Jan. 17, Nick had to ask permission to say hello to his good friend, DJ Steve Aoki, up in the DJ booth! (Print Edition - 2/2)
Sounds like Nick's more whipped than Jesus.* For me to be as infatuated with a woman as apparently Nick is with Mariah, she'd have to posses three distinct qualities: 1. Have a soft serve ice cream dispenser mounted on her forehead, 2. Poop lottery tickets, and 3. Be a mute. Of course we all know the real reason why Nick would never even think of leaving Mariah:
her looks her money she's stronger than he is.
*Too soon?
Mariah Carey singing at the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball (1/20)
Mariah Carey was shocked after being treated like a common celebrity at the Neighborhood Ball Tuesday night in Washington, and not the ultra-super-duper-important celebrity she actually is. Organizers even had the gall to seat Carey in the VIP section with such low-rent celebs as Jon Bon Jovi, Mary J. Blige, Alicia Keys, and Bruce Springsteen. Ugh, the nerve! From the
New York Post:
Some divas cling to their high-maintenance ways even at moments of historic national import. Mariah Carey, who performed at the Neighborhood Ball for President and Michelle Obama, was "furious" when she found out where she'd be seated for the inauguration. A spy said, "Mariah was in the VIP area, where every celebrity, like Jon Bon Jovi, Mary J. Blige, Alicia Keys and Bruce Springsteen, was seated. But somehow she thought she'd be up with the Obama family. When she realized she wasn't, she bailed." (Source)
Instead of Mariah, Barack's mother-in-law Marian sat at the table. Which is a bunch of bullshit of course. How many times has that bitch sold out Madison Square Garden? How many gold records does she have? NONE.
Mariah CareyMariah Carey shopping in Aspen (12/23)
Mariah Carey and her big jugs ruined Christmas
"I'm sorry but Mommy and Daddy can't buy presents this year because Nick Cannon didn't pull out." From the New York Daily News:
Mariah Carey's pregnancy has forced her to scrap plans for an upcoming tour, says an insider. "Costume designers and dancers were all called Wednesday and told the tour is off," said the snitch. "Most were hysterically crying because they were relying on her for a paycheck this holiday season." A rep for the songstress said "a tour was discussed, but nothing was confirmed." (Source)
ariah's dancers and costume designers need to put things into perspective. If it weren't for another pregnancy -- the Virgin Mary's -- they wouldn't be celebrating "the holidays" at all. Something else they need to put into perspective: their career choice. Now that their holiday money is gone, I guess you could say the people that work for Mariah are a lot like the people that live in North Korea. Both work under an unstable dictator and both will find themselves eating tree bark this Christmas.
Mariah Carey might be pregn -- boobs!
ariah Carey's pregnant? Sure, why not. From the New York Post:
Mariah Carey's wish may finally be coming true. Spies in LA saw the songbird (above) coming out of a well-known ob/gyn's office on North Crescent Boulevard, "clutching what looked like a sonogram and being greeted by her entourage with cheers. She was ebullient." It was the same type of paper that Minnie Driver was holding when she found out she was pregnant at the same doctor's office. Carey, who wed Nick Cannon this year in a quickie Bahamas ceremony, has made no bones about wanting a child. (Source)
Who cares if Mariah Carey is breeding. The only thing anyone is interested in her making these days is music videos . . . in skimpy outfits . . . ten years ago . . . without the music. The person most affected by this pregnancy? Nick Cannon. Soon he'll not only have to kiss one ass . . . but change the Huggies covering the other.
NOTE: For the baby's sake, I hope it isn't silicone intolerant.
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon at the World Music Awards in Monte Carlo, Monaco (11/9)
Nick Cannon didn't get to seal the deal with Mariah Carey until after the two were married. The two dated for two or so months before getting married in the Bahamas in April. In an interview with the Daily Mirror, Mariah said:
"It's not that we had NO intimacy, we just didn't have complete intimacy. It's just me, and my feelings. I definitely don't want to push it on anybody else. But we both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married. And it was, and it still is." (Source)
Kids, do any of you know what Derek Jeter, Grant Hill, Luis Miguel, Eminem, Tyrese, Rick Fox, Eric Benet, and Eddie Murphy all have in common? If you guessed that they all got to milk the cow without buying it, give yourself a gold star. Come on, Mariah was being plowed by Jeter BEFORE she divorced Tommy Mottola, but now she's worried about her virtue? I think Mariah is already sick of Nick and is trying to pull a Madge on him. Any bets on how long until Glitter is linked to some other youngster? But don't worry about that Nick, hang in there. Dummy didn't sign a pre-nup so you're gonna be on easy street before long. And by "easy street," I mean you won't have to prostitute yourself out for money . . . and by "prostitute yourself out for money," I mean you won't have to make Drumline 2.
