Recently in Madonna Category

Madonna has her eyes on Nigeria

In case Madonna's Plan A doesn't work out in Malawi and her Plan B doesn't work out in Lesotho, News of the World claims she has a Plan C in the works: Nigeria. From the tabloid:

The star has switched her efforts from Malawi to Nigeria, making inquiries at an orphanage in the city of Kaduna about a female tot. This time round she is involving model boyfriend Jesus Luz, 22, to prove he can act as a responsible father.

A source close to the 50-year-old singer revealed: "She was distraught when her adoption failed in Malawi. At the time she blamed the fact that her relationship with Jesus made her look like she was going through some midlife crisis. But now she's looking at adoption centres in Nigeria and has got another female friend to make an initial approach to test the waters.

"She's determined not to make the same mistakes and feels that the only way to do this is to get Jesus involved from the off. Madonna is considering visiting, perhaps with Jesus, as soon as she can."

So basically no baby in Africa in safe. Madonna's determined to swoop in on some unsuspecting country in the middle of the night and steal a baby. There must be millions of kids living in fear right now, desperately trying not to fall asleep. This is exactly how legends get started. 200 years from now, wide-eyed youngsters will sit in a nervous silence as village elders recount the tale of the pasty white devil woman from the west. Parents will use her legend as a tool to keep their kids in line: "You clean your room or old-lady Madonna's coming for you in the middle of the night. She loves to steal kids with dirty rooms."

Madonna has her eyes on Lesotho

Madonna has a Plan B in the works in case her appeal to adopt Malawian orphan Mercy James is rejected. The Sun is reporting this morning that the three appeals judges will grant her permission to adopt in a ruling to be issued this Sunday. You can take that for what it's worth. I only trust The Sun in issues regarding large-breasted English women (Why hello Kelly, 19, from Daventry - NSFW). A source told the Daily Mail:

"Madonna is not a patient person, she’s used to getting what she wants. She has said she won’t give up on Mercy but if she’s blocked from adopting her legally then she will think about trying to adopt another baby. She has already started looking into other African countries.

"Madonna was devastated when she was told she couldn’t adopt Mercy. Her plan now is to start the ball rolling somewhere else. She has promised David a sister and she wants another African child. If a miracle happens and she gets to adopt Mercy, I see no reason why she wouldn’t go ahead and adopt another child from a different African country as well. She has done some research on Lesotho and because it’s a place that is ravaged by AIDS and has a high number of orphans, it could be the perfect second choice."

It sounds like Madonna doesn't care who her next baby is or where it comes from, as long as its skin pigmentation is the correct hue. The shame! It's as if the efforts of Martin Luther King Jr. and the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's were all in vain. When will people like Madonna realize that a person should be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character? Madonna, you sir* are a racist.

*I refuse to call her ma'am when her arms are bigger than mine

Madonna at Veuve Clicquot’s Manhattan Polo Classic (5/30)

Actually, not really. But Kate certainly seemed to think she might get her ass beat (probably because she's banging Madonna's ex, A-Rod). She did everything she could to avoid Madonna at Veuve Clicquot’s Manhattan Polo Classic on Saturday. From the New York Daily News:

Hudson, who was most recently caught out with A-Rod at Hotel ZaZa in Dallas last week, arrived nearly an hour before Madonna. However, upon hearing about the Material Girl’s impending arrival at halftime, Hudson ceded her prime VIP real estate and booked it to the back of the tent; Madge took the seats she vacated.

"Kate was completely intimidated by Madonna," said one guest. "She clearly didn’t want trouble and decided to keep a low profile for the rest of the match." Said a second guest, "I didn’t even see Kate Hudson again after Madonna arrived. She ran away! But if I were dating Madonna’s ex, I’d be scared, too!"

I don't see what Kate's so afraid of. I mean, it's not like Madonna could throw a semi-truck at her. Maybe a small SUV, but not a semi-truck. She needs to relax.

Jesus Luz and Madonna at the Met Costume Institute Gala in New York (5/4)

I don't know how much Madonna is paying her boyfriend to say this shit but it's not enough. He needs a raise, like, yesterday. From the Daily Mail:

Jesus Luz has spoken for the first time about his on/off lover Madonna, saying she is 'beautiful' and has 'no visible faults'. In an interview with Brazilian television, the model heaped praise on the singer, but insisted they are just friends.

He said: "Madonna is beautiful, a person full of positive energy, with no visible faults. I found her marvelous. Her personality also impressed me. She is a person I admire a lot, a friend in my life, who I remain in contact with. But apart from that I cannot say more."

Madonna "beautiful"? I'm no doctor, but it sounds as if Jesus has caught a case of AnnaNicoleSmithitis. It's a fairly common disease typically found in the Southern California region. Symptoms include: dating someone more than twice your age, confusing a wealthy person's bank account with their appearance, and convincing one's self that they still have a soul. Fortunately for those that have become infected, there is one known remedy: their partner's funeral service.

Jessica and Jerry Seinfeld at the Tribeca Film Festival last year

Apparently not satisfied with destroying her own marriage, Madonna is now attempting to break up Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld's as well. I swear, I will never understand why Madonna has a reputation of being an overbearing bitch. I think it may be because she's an overbearing bitch. A friend of the couple's told the National Enquirer:

"Jerry's wife Jessica is suddenly spending a lot of her time with Madonna and her new toyboy Jesus Luz, and Jerry is freaked out! He doesn't like Jessica staying out until all hours of the night and meeting people he doesn't know. He's afraid Madonna is corrupting her.

"Jerry hates going out, and up until now, Jessica was mostly a homebody too, spending their evenings coming up with new recipes. But Madonna thinks Jessica needs to have some fun in her life. She's taken her under her wing, and it's making control-freak Jerry nuts. He thinks she could be a bad influence on Jessica, but others are telling Jerry he should let his wife have a little fun."

Jerry has nothing to worry about -- I'm sure Madonna's a wonderful influence on his wife. So what if Jessica comes home one day spouting religious nonsense and bench pressing a Ford Taurus. That's what the joy of marriage is all about. Like the good book says, "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, through mind numbing cults and steroid induced rages." Amen.

Madonna = FAIL

Madonna attended the Costume Institute Gala (no, it's not a costume party) at the Met in New York last night looking like a complete jackass. At what point in her life does she realize she's not actually 16, but 50 with 3 kids and an old beat up vagina? She's like the whore version of Peter Pan.

Madonna leaving Assaggi restaurant in London (4/7)

Mercy James -- the little girl from Malawi who was almost adopted by Madonna -- ain't missing out on much. Because Madonna's a shitty mom. The singer's former chef Eric Lenco told the National Enquirer that she cares more about working out than spending time with her kids:

“When she’s with the children, she is a devoted mum. She just doesn’t spend much time with them. It’s a puzzle why she wants to adopt again. She’s hardly ever with her children. She’s got two full-time nannies and one part-time nanny. So why adopt a kid when somebody else is raising them?

“She gets up and has a coffee, then she does two hours of yoga. Then there’s two hours of pilates and exercise. That’s six days a week. After that she deals with her email, her calls and the rest of her business. And after that, she spends maybe half an hour with the kids. Madonna puts herself before the kids. When she adopted little David, he arrived at her home from Africa, and three hours later, she left to do pilates. Wouldn’t you think she’d want to spend the entire day with her new son?”

This guy just sounds like a disgruntled employee who probably deserved to lose his job anyway. I mean seriously, how hard is it to be a cook when Madonna is your employer?  Kabbalah water, protein powder, fresh newborn heart, press blend. Congratulations, take the rest of the day off.

Madonna leaving the Kabbalah Centre in New York (4/18)

For the second time in four years, Madonna was tossed from a horse, this time in the Hamptons on Saturday (In 2005, the singer broke 8 bones after being tossed from a horse on her Wiltshire estate in England; some claim the fall lead to the breakup of her marriage with Guy Ritchie). Madonna's injuries were relatively minor, with her being treated and released from a Southampton hospital. The singer's rep is blaming Saturday's accident on a paparazzo:

"The accident occurred when the horse Madonna was riding was startled by paparazzi who jumped out of the bushes to photograph the singer."

However, the New York Daily News says:

Freelance photographer Thomas Hinton claims he played no role in Madonna's mishap - a position supported by the Southampton Village Police Department.

Hinton told The News he shot some frames of Madonna riding her horse about 3:50 p.m. Saturday, but took off soon after because he didn't have a good vantage point. Hinton returned more than 40 minutes later when he got tipped off that Madonna had had an accident, he says.

"I arrived more than 10 minutes after she fell, and I was shooting from the street," Hinton said. "I don't know what [Rosenberg] is talking about."

I knew it wasn't the paparazzo that caused the accident. Animals know evil when they see it. They just know. Why do you think Dakota Fanning can't go near a pet store? Those puppies know what you have buried under your house Dakota.

Madonna and Jesus Luz leaving the KabbalahCentre in New York (2/28)

Madonna was spotted with ex-boyfriend Jesus Luz earlier this week in New York, fueling speculation that the two are a couple again. That or Madonna adopted him. He is ten, right? From The Sun: 

[Madonna and Luz] tucked into some Italian nosh at Morandi before leaving separately, only to link up once more in the back of Madge's waiting car. Earlier in the evening, they were seen leaving the Kabbalah center, once again avoiding being pictured together.

The pair have yet to confirm whether or not they are still an item, but the Brazilian model is certainly a dab hand at perking up his reported missus following her recent adoption woe.

How does a woman who's infatuated with Kabbalah (an offshoot of the Jewish religion) become so obsessed with a guy named Jesus? You'd think she'd be more interested in dudes named Moses, Mordachai, or Doctor. The sad thing is that Madonna's recent dating and adoption woes could have been avoided if she'd just done a little better job at planning . . . or as I like to call it, "The Woody Allen Method."

Madonna's adoption bid denied

On Wednesday, regarding her bid to adopt 3-year-old Mercy James from Malawi, Madonna's lawyer told Us Weekly:

"I am not sleeping sleepless nights over this. I don't see any law in Malawi that can stop this adoption."

The BBC said today:

A Malawian court has ruled that US pop star Madonna has failed in her bid to adopt a second child from the country.

"I must have to decline to grant the application to Madonna," judge Esmie Chondo said in a ruling following a closed-door hearing on Friday.

Madonna's application was rejected because of a requirement that prospective parents be resident in the southern African state for 18 to 24 months. (Source)

He had no "sleepless nights" over an adoption bid that was clearly trying to circumvent Malawi law? I think it's pretty clear what's happening here. MADONNA'S LAWYER IS A VAMPIRE! Just kidding. But he is fired.

NOTE: I hope Malawi never gets Internet access because if Mercy ever Googles herself and finds out what could have been, she may jump off the highest building in the country to kill herself. Don't be worried though -- it's only one and a half stories. She'll probably just sprain an ankle.