Madonna

Sofia Vergara in Esquire

Well not really, but she does take a little shot at her in the September issue of Esquire:

"L.A. is crazy. The women all look the same now. That thing with the cheeks. Like Madonna. Who do they think they're fooling? It doesn't make them look young. You end up looking like a freak."

Sofia makes an excellent point about her breasts: They are huge, round, and possibly cure cancer. Oh, and bouncy -- like a couple of watermelons on a trampoline. Wait, she said that, right? Um, oops. I really need to work on developing a better inner monologue.

*4 photos total in the gallery:

Madonna leaving Aura nightclub in London (7/24)

Wow, it's been nearly two weeks since I posted a story about Madonna's bitter jealousy towards her ex-husband Guy Ritchie. I wonder what took so long? From the Chicago Sun Times:

Sounds like Madonna still hasn't gotten over ex-husband Guy Ritchie. Not only is the Material Mom bugged by his serious romance with model Jacqui Ainsley, she's reportedly obsessed with outdoing him as a filmmaker.

A source on the set of "W.E.," the film Madonna's directing inspired by the duke and duchess of Windsor's historic romance, tells me Madonna is constantly making references to directing decisions "Guy would do."

I think the 'roids have gotten to Madonna's head -- anyone who's seen Sherlock Holmes or Snatch knows that she'll never be able to top Guy. If Madonna really wants to move on with her life and be happy again, she needs to just forget about him and stick to what she's good at, like Boggle and guarding the Gates of Hell. She's Satan, right?

*10 pictures total in the gallery:

Guy Ritchie's new girlfriend Jacqui Ainsley

Shocking news out of Hollywood today where it's been revealed that Madonna is a bitter old hag. More at 11. From Bill Zwecker at the Chicago Sun Times:

You'd think a mega-superstar would have more confidence, but there's buzz Madonna is not too thrilled about ex-husband Guy Ritchie's lady love, model Jacqui Ainsley (pic of the two together here). Ritchie, who only recently has gone public with his relationship with Ainsley, is said to be quite smitten with the 28-year-old beauty -- with one longtime Ritchie regular telling me, "I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't marry her before year end."

According to a source close to Madonna, the Material Mom -- busy directing "W.E.," her film inspired by the affair of Britain's King Edward VIII and American divorcee Wallis Simpson -- is none too happy that her children have become so enamored of Ainsley.

Apparently that's not the case for Madonna's own boy toy, young Brazilian hunkster Jesus Luz. The mother of a good friend of Madonna's daughter Lourdes Leon says she "finds Jesus obnoxious and very self-absorbed."

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If Madonna can run off with some young piece of meat, so can Guy. Besides, what did Madonna expect? That Guy would sit around and pine for the good ol' days when the only chick he could bang was more leathery and gaping than a cowboy boot? Sorry Madonna, if Guy wanted to spend the rest of his life screwing sinewy old bags, he would've married a vintage Dooney & Bourke tote.

*25 pictures total in the gallery:

Madonna leaving Aura nightclub in London (5/20)

For years, I've been trying to figure out why Madonna has the reputation of being an insufferable bitch. After careful thought and analysis, I think I may have finally figured it out: it's because she's an insufferable bitch. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Not everyone thinks "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." Apparently that's the case with Madonna, who reportedly sees Lady Gaga as quite the copycat, and is often irritated when she sees a clip of her performing. Despite telling folks she finds Gaga "really annoying," the veteran superstar does admit her younger rival is a talented pianist and musician.

"It just bugs Madonna that Lady Gaga uses fashion and her performance style in a way that has so many people calling her 'the new Madonna.' ... Madonna thinks she is unique and there cannot be a younger version of something that is unique.

"I know," added the source with a laugh. "Ego, ego, ego."

Lady Gaga has a long way to go before she becomes the next Madonna. And by "long way," I mean she'll have to sleep with half of Hollywood, age horribly, and remove her penis. No, when you're Madonna, you're the first of your kind. And as it turns out, there's actually a name for people who are true originals like Madonna: they're called Patient Zero.

*28 pics total in the gallery:

Madonna arriving to Heathrow airport from New York (6/10)

So I guess former friends Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow are fighting or something . . . which I couldn't feel more indifferent about . . . unless their little catfight turns into a FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!! Then my interest would definitely be piqued. From Us Weekly:

A source close to Madonna, 51, and Gwyneth Paltrow, 37, tells Us Weekly the dear pals, BFFs since 1999, are dunzo.

"They don't speak," says the insider. "I can't tell you exactly why they had the falling out, but Gwyneth can be jealous and competitive."

Although Madonna's rep denies the "breakup," the source says things went downhill slowly for the duo after Madonna split from Guy Ritchie in 2008, leaving "Gwyneth and Madonna with less in common."

In fact, Paltrow (who once called the singer "like an older sister") hinted at a new feud in May's British Vogue: "I'm having a situation right now with a friend where I'm feeling pretty angry."

It was only a matter of time before these two had a falling out -- their egos are bigger than the plate Kirstie Alley uses on Thanksgiving. These chicks' heads are so inflated, they make Tito Ortiz's head only look "regular" big instead of "OH MY GOD SOMEONE KILL THAT FREAK" big. No, if Gwyneth and Madonna are ever going to co-exist, it's going to have to be in the one place where they're both happy: in front of a mirror . . . preferably in a gym.

*18 pics total in the gallery:

Madonna at the "Bent on Learning" benefit in New York (4/28)

Sorry for the confusing headline. The dude I'm talking about is in fact not Madonna (side not: what the hell is up with her cheeks?). It's her pussy boyfriend. From the New York Post:

It looks like Madonna hasn't traded in Jesus Luz for a new model yet. Despite posing with an even younger guy for her Dolce & Gabbana campaign, Madge and Jesus are still very much together. They were spotted hanging out in the green room at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of "Please Give" at the Tribeca Performing Arts Center the other night, where a spy said, "He was gazing up at Madonna adoringly."

Whatever, I'm not buying it. Jesus doesn't really love Madonna. That's like someone loving paper cuts or waiting in long lines . . . or waiting in a long line to get a paper cut. Jesus loves Madonna the same way I love my ATM machine, the only difference being Jesus doesn't need a pin code to get Madonna to spit out 20s.

*14 pics total in the gallery:
 

Madonna dressed like she's 15, not 50, leaving Morimoto restaurant in New York (3/18)

Want to know the secret to getting rid of cellulite once you hit 50? A time machine to go back to your 20s. From the New York Daily News:

Is Madonna trying to keep up with her 23-year-old boy toy, Jesus Luz? The 51-year-old reportedly shelled out $75,000 for a machine that claims to be "a miracle cure" for cellulite; it supposedly exiles dimpling through the use of acoustic shock waves. Madge  is certainly the ideal candidate for the mechanism: manufacturers suggest users already possess "good muscle tone."

Madonna's an idiot. Exercising, dieting, and healthy living isn't what makes her boyfriend interested in her. It's her inner beauty charming personality bank account balance. One day Madonna will realize that with so much money and fame, she can become a fat piece of worthless shit and gold-digging jackasses will still want to marry her. And on that day, she will finally know what it's like to be Barbara Streisand.

*10 pics total in the gallery:

Madonna's bags at Heathrow airport in London (3/29)

See all those bags? They're Madonna's. For a trip to Malawi. Malawi in Africa, not Malawi the vacation hotspot in the South of France. I count 26 bags. 26 bags she's taking to a Third World country. In Madonna's defense, Malawi doesn't have paved roads and nothing makes unpaved roads more comfortable on your feet than Gucci leather pumps.

Lindsay Lohan leaving Jet Black nightclub in London (3/14)

Madonna keeps her men on a very short leash, and I don't mean on Saturday nights when she forces them to get naked and wear a studded dog collar. I mean when they're out clubbing. From the Daily Mirror:

We hear Madonna's toyboy gave Lindsay Lohan the swerve on a night out in Paris, just so he would not have to face the wrath of the Queen of Pop. Jesus Luz flew into the French capital last week for a night at the plush VIP club.

Our source says: "Lindsay got her people to phone the club to try and hang out with him. She knew he was hosting a night there with Alicia Keys and her boyfriend Swiss Beatz. But when Madge's people got wind of it they put a block on it. Jesus wasn't one to argue, he didn't want to upset Madonna and was just there to work. LiLo had to make do with a night in her hotel."

Not letting Jesus near that milk-a-holic Lindsay is a pretty smart move. You don't want your boyfriend hanging around someone who is so casually willing to perform sexual favors, both to win friends and get out of parking tickets. That's Madonna's shtick.

Madonna arriving to CAA head Bryan Lourd's Oscar party in Hollywood (3/5)

Oops, I meant "dating." Freudian slip. Anyways, Madonna is "dating" The City star Adam Senn. That name sound familiar? That's because Lindsay Lohan already hit that shit. From the New York Post:

Madonna sparked rumors of a cooling off between her and boy toy Jesus Luz by making the Oscar-party rounds in LA with handsome "The City" star Adam Senn, who's also a fellow Dolce & Gabanna model. A source said, "Madonna brought Jesus to the Oscar parties last year, but she wants to do it her way this year. She and Adam got on well while shooting for D&G, and she's smart enough to know that being seen together would generate more buzz for the campaign." Madonna was seen chatting with Elton John and manager Guy Oseary Thursday before heading to the bar, ordering vodka on the rocks, and dropping the f-word because they didn't have her favorite brand.

If getting dumped by Louis Vuitton and having arms that look like the Crypt Keeper's wasn't enough to convince Madonna that she's a washed-up has-been, then getting Lindsay Lohan's sloppy seconds should do the trick. Luckily for Adam, since he's used to banging someone as dirty as Lindsay, now that he's dating Madonna he won't have to worry about public humiliation . . . or wearing a condom.