Madonna at the launch of her new fragrance "Truth or Dare" at Macy's in New York (4/12)
Aw, this is so cute. Madonna's raiding her daughter Lourdes' closet for outfits. Oops, did I say cute? I mean fucking pathetic. From Life & Style:
"I live in [Lourdes'] Converse sneakers," the 53-year-old told Life & Style in the new issue, on newsstands now. And Lourdes, 15, is definitely following in her mother's footsteps. "She's always wearing my combat boots," Madonna tells Life & Style.
"She does have amazing style," Madonna raves about her material girl. "But I'm the typical mother, where I say, 'You can't go to school dressed like that!'"
And if Lourdes ever steps out of line, Madonna reveals how she deals with it. "She's a rebel!" Madonna says. "I take her phone away!"
Converse just became lame. Sorry about that, hipsters and punk rock posers, your favorite footwear just jumped the shark and you can thank old lady Madge for that. Yes, I know you love them -- all of you carbon-copied, Starbucks-slurping, mustache-wearing, hopelessly addicted to fashion followers do love your trends -- but it's over. Converse sneakers just joined bowling shirts and Ed Hardy jeans in the bargain bin at Walmart (someone alert Jon Gosselin). Old ladies set fashion trends for old ladies, and do you really want to wear old lady shoes? If anyone's closet should be getting raided, it's Madonna's by Lourdes for show and tell in her Ancient History class at school. "Teacher, these orthopedic shoes were the oldest thing I could find."
If any of this shadiness by Madonna surprises you, I'm sorry to break it to you, but you're really really dumb. Like, shockingly so. You shouldn't even be using a butter knife. From Forbes:
Madonna's "MDNA" album is expected be the number 1 album in the country this week. Final numbers will come in later today. But in fact, Lionel Richie, with nearly 200,000 copies of his "Tuskegee" album sold - his best debut in 20 years or more - could post a valid complaint. It turns out that a hefty number of "MDNA" albums weren't sold the usual way. Madonna's label, Interscope, and Live Nation, which owns Ticketmaster, bundled the album with her ticket sales. For every ticket sold online to Madonna's upcoming shows, purchasers automatically receive a copy of "MDNA." They get a link to a free purchase on iTunes, or they can send in their mailing address for a physical CD. It doesn't matter if the concert ticket is $52 or $350. It's a smart marketing move for Interscope. It unnaturally inflates sales, and uses "MDNA" for what albums have become - souvenirs, or loss leaders.
Wait . . . wah? Is old lady Madge fudging numbers or not? I can't really tell because I'm a good Christian soldier, but this looks an awful lot like that Kabbalah voodoo math that the kids are into these days. Doggonit, why is Interscope trying to screw over Lionel Richie? He clearly should be number one because, unlike Madonna, Lionel doesn't fill the seats by tricking his dumb fans into thinking he's giving out ectacy with each ticket bought (aka "MDMA"). Why is grandma doing it, you ask? It's probably because Lionel is kinda black, which make Madonna kinda racist. I'm kidding, of course. By "kinda racist," I mean "extremely hard on the eyes."
Back in late 2008, Madonna did a photoshoot for W magazine in Brazil, and last week some unflattering, behind-the-scenes pictures from the shoot were leaked to the internet. By who? The Devil, I'm assuming.
If your internet connection is out and you can't see the uncensored pics, just stab yourself repeatedly in the eye with a fork. The same effect will be achieved.
NOTE: To see the uncensored Madonna pics, click any thumbnail with a yellow star on it and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.
Madonna at a press conference for her film W.E. at the Toronto International Film Festival (9/12)
Madonna is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, while I bet the lowly volunteers at the Toronto International Film Festival aren't even worth a million (losers!), so it makes sense that she wouldn't want them to even look at her. Ew, yuck! Keep your negative non-millionaire energy away from me! From The Globe and Mail:
Eight volunteers were asked to turn their faces to a wall so that they would not look at the pop-star-turned-movie-director as she made her way to her press conference about [her new film W.E.]. One volunteer told the Globe they all dutifully stood with their backs to her as she passed.
Madonna being an uppity bitch is actually the best thing that could have happened to these volunteers. My college roommate happened to see Madonna at a movie theater our freshman year. Made eye contact with her and immediately turned to stone. Craziest thing. I used his body to prop open my door for the rest of the semester. True story.
Madonna at a press conference during the 68th Annual Venice Film Festival in Italy (9/4)
If you haven't heard the news by now, Madonna absolutely *loathes* hydrangeas. So don't even try to give her any. Nobody likes an asshole, dude. If you're thinking about buying her a gift, stick to what you know she loves, like chocolates, the sweet energy-rich blood of a virginal youth, or a new broom. But make sure it's a right-handed one -- they drive on the other side of the road in England.
Antonio Banderas tells the new edition of Harper's Bazaar that Madonna tried to hook up with him back in the day, but he was way too freaked out by her. MADONNA MAD! MADONNA SMASH! He said:
"I couldn't speak English at the time. She said a lot of things at the table when we were having dinner - I couldn't understand shit. I was just flipping out that I was sitting down close to Madonna. She was very famous already, and we were just local people. It was kind of flattering when somebody said, 'She likes you, a lot.' I said, 'Oh, really? I've no idea what I should do about this. I mean, I'm married (to first wife, Ana Leza).' So, nothing happened. I was afraid of it at the time, because she was a very powerful woman. I didn't want to be Madonna's boy. For good or for bad, I just wanted to have my own career."
The fact that he was married and didn't speak English isn't what kept Antonio from hooking up with Madonna. It was MADONNA -- she's never been attractive. No amount of money or fame could ever convince good-looking guys like Antonio or myself to hook up with a rich ugly woman like her. We leave that to the complete losers with no other options -- like Dean McDermott or Gayle King.
Madonna at the "2011 Vanity Fair Oscar Party" at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood (2/27)
Just once I want to read a story about Madonna not being a complete and total ass. Also, why has she not played Cruella de Vil in a 101 Dalmations remake? From the New York Post:
Madonna, who hosted her own Oscar bash at manager Guy Oseary's mansion late Sunday night, made sure she made a big entrance at the Vanity Fair party -- then immediately left. She arrived on the red carpet, said "I am here to get photographed," walked through the party, and then bolted. Sources say the ever-competitive diva wanted to survey the array of A-list stars to lure them to her own event.
Poaching celebrities from one party to bring them back to your own is a rookie move. If Madonna wants famous people to come to her events, she doesn't need to recruit them from other people's swarays. She just needs to do what Charlie Sheen does when he wants people to hang out with him: pay them.
Madonna's new boyfriend Brahim Zaibat leaving Aura nightclub in London (10/21)
Madonna's new relationship is really freaking me out. 24-year-old guys should be helping 52-year-olds across the street, not going down on them. From The Sun:
Madonna's new fella has spoken for the first time of his love for the star - saying she's "just a woman like all the others". Dancer Brahim Zaibat, 24, explained: "She's an extraordinary artist and world famous, of course, but a woman above all."
The Frenchman recalled charming the pop queen, 52, with the down-to-earth opener: "Hi, how are you?" He adds: "It wasn't like meeting a monster! She wasn't the first well-known female singer I'd met, you know. I'm not saying things have gone very fast since then, but things have happened in order." Asked if he was a fan of Madonna at school he said: 'It wasn't the kind of sound I had on my iPod. But I've since pretty much listened to all she's done."
Of course this Brahim guy doesn't think Madonna's a "monster" -- she feeds him, clothes him, and only asks for a little piece of his soul in return. Besides, Brahim probably realizes by now that it's not a smart idea to bite the hand that feeds you . . . especially a hand that looks like it's straight out of a scene from The Walking Dead.
*20 Madonna and Brahim Zaibat pictures total in the gallery:
Madonna leaving the Kabbalah Centre in New York (11/20)
Madonna's dad Tony Ciccone is not happy about her new boyfriend, 24-year-old French dancer Brahim Zaibat. Gee, I wonder why? I bet it's because of his weird accent! From the Globe:
Madonna’s long-suffering dad has finally had it with her young lovers-and has banned the 52-year-old singer’s toyboys from his home! [Ciccone] has told his superstar daughter, “Enough is enough,” says a source. “He’s told her in no uncertain terms that Zaibat is too young, and not to bring him when she visits. It’s fair to say he’s less than impressed by Brahim.”
Madonna was age 5 when her mother, Madonna, died. Her passing strained the father-daughter relationship. In fact, the Material Girl’s 1986 hit Papa Don’t Preach was her rebellious message to her strict dad. Over the years, Tony’s also endured her controversial book Sex and a string to toyboys. But he finally hit the roof over her affair with Zaibat-whose mother is EIGHT YEARS YOUNGER than Madonna! Says the source, “He feels she’s embarrassing herself and her children.” (Print Edition - 12/13)
Madonna's dad is just now realizing that she's "embarrassing herself and her children"? Where was this guy when she was releasing picture books about sex and movies about deepthroating beer bottles? Sorry Daddy Ciccone, you're a little too late to be intervening in your daughter's life. Try influencing something that isn't as set in its ways -- like the Palestinians and Israelis.
Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: