"Dear Joyce," the scrawled, nearly illegible note begins on the "Vogue" singer's own monogrammed stationery.Pretty stupid, isn't she? It's funny, the ol' bag spends millions of pounds crafting an image of being a member of English high society, but it took just one poorly-written letter to remind the world that Madonna is really just a piece of white trash from Bay City, Michigan who got lucky in the late '70s. It just goes to show that America has really terrible taste in music. But hey, I'm not implying that President Banda deserves respect not earned -- she is leading a country that sells its children to moral degenerates, after all . . . though she could really build a bridge to respect by arresting Madge during her next visit for practicing democracy or something else that's probably illegal there.
If addressing a country's president by first name is not informal enough, Madonna congratulates the president, the nation's first female leader, on her "new position" -- as if the barrier-breaking politician has earned a promotion at an insurance company. Forbes named the president no. 71 on its list of most powerful woman in the world, and named her the most powerful woman in Africa.
The letter's mistakes get "Deeper and Deeper" for the 54-year-old philanthropic pop goddess. She misspells the word responsibility as "responsability" and writes in a messy hand with little order on the page.
"Lourdes was thrilled. She wants it done up to her taste and then it'll be decided who shares with her and when she moves in."Wow, Madge bought her kid an apartment for her birthday? That sorta reminds me of my 16th birthday extravaganza . . . well, almost. Just replace the "bought an apartment" part with "got a handjob from a Tijuana hooker" and you're right there. Madonna buying her daughter an apartment is just the rich person way of kicking her kid out of the house. She must have gotten sick of watching Lourdes bounce around her mansion singing Lady Gaga songs, which no doubt made her feel really fucking old -- as well it should, because she is really fucking old.
The apartment is located is a few blocks from her family home on the Upper East side of Manhattan and also near the Kabbalah Centre - which Madonna and Lourdes are regular visitors to.
Madonna paid for the property is undisclosed but it is "in a secure block with a lot of security and access to a swimming pool and gym."
Madonna has set up a "sterilisation team" to wipe away any DNA in her dressing room after shows on her MDNA world tour. The 53-year-old has also told organisers only her and her entourage are allowed backstage passes. Concert promoter Alvaro Ramos, who is overseeing the Portuguese leg of the concert dates revealed her demands. Speaking at a press conference, he said:Wow, just how disgusting is Madge's sperm hole that she needs her own crime scene clean-up crew to come in and mop up the evidence? I guess Pope John Paul II was right when he said "There's only so much ecstasy, steroids, and jism a vagina can take before a creature of incredible power and evil slithers out of it, and no, I don't mean you, Lourdes." The pope was very wise, very wise indeed.
"We have to take extreme care, like I have never seen for any other artist. We cannot even look at the dressing room, after it is ready, or even open the door. We can only enter after her sterilisation team has left the room. There will not be any of Madonna's DNA, any hair, or anything. They will clean up everything. In the end it is all to protect her and make her feel comfortable. I do understand it, but it is taken to extremes."
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Would You Rather...? Spend one night with:
