Penelope Cruz and Pedro Almodovar at a dinner party honoring the director in New York (10/9)
Is Madonna using Penelope Cruz to get close to famed Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodovar? Of course she is silly. She's a monster. From the
Chicago Sun Times:
There's word Madonna has put her friend Penelope Cruz in a bit of a bind. While the two have been friends for several years, Cruz is beginning to think that Madonna recently has pursued her only to get close to filmmaker Pedro Almodovar -- the Spanish director and writer who made Cruz a star.
Part of the Madonna push came at a recent New York dinner they both attended where Almodovar was honored. That led to a pitch by Madonna for a film project starring both woman, directed by Almodovar.
Given the Material Girl's history of box-office bombs, Almodovar is said to to be hesitant but has promised to read the script. ''She still is Madonna. Her name still is magic,'' said an Almodovar associate. ''Who knows? Maybe Pedro's gifts could turn things around for her!''
I've run this site for 3+ years and I have yet to read a positive story about Madonna. I've done some investigating and I'm pretty sure she's the devil. Or at least some sort of devil's apprentice waiting to take over for Satan if he dies or retires. So I guess that makes her Vice Satan. She's basically the Joe Biden of the underworld. That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said about her.
Madonna is the neighbor from hell Shocking news about Madonna but it turns out that she's not very neighborly . . . so don't even think of asking her to borrow a cup of sugar. From the
Daily Mail:
Pop superstar Madonna has been branded a 'neighbour from hell', and accused of using her £4m New York flat as a rehearsal studio with 'blaring music, stomping and shaking walls' for up to three hours each day.
Karen George has complained of 'unreasonably high-decibel, amplified music' and vibrations pouring through walls, ceilings and radiators.
"Madonna and one or more of her invited guests repeatedly dance and train...to unreasonably high-decibel, amplified music, causing noise and vibration to pour through the walls, ceilings and radiators," says the lawsuit. "Ms. George has been forced to endure blaring music, stomping and shaking walls for approximately one and a half to three hours each day."
Newsflash for Madonna's neighbor: that "stomping and wall shaking" isn't coming from her rehearsing -- it's coming from
her boyfriend Jesus trying to escape. Or maybe it's just loud music used to mask the sounds of the farm animals and industrial strength jackhammer they use during foreplay. I don't know. Frankly, this Karen bitch needs to stop complaining. If she didn't want to be bothered by Madonna, she should have never moved to Hell.
Madonna and Jesus Luz leaving the Prado Museum in Madrid, Spain (7/24)
I really don't see what the big deal is about Madonna's boyfriend getting an allowance. He washes the dishes, takes out the trash, and mows the lawn. How else is he supposed to get compensated? From
In Touch Weekly:
Madonna’s boy toy, Jesus Luz, knows it pays to stick close to the Material Girl. According to a friend, Jesus, 23, put his modeling career on hold in order to accompany Madonna around the world — and that move is definitely paying off. “Jesus basically lived paycheck to paycheck before he met Madonna, and he, like most people, had bills,” a friend explains. But now, his money worries are a thing of the past. “Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover his expenses, including his cell phone, insurance and credit card payments,” adds the pal. The 51-year-old star is also rumored to have decided to buy Jesus a $2.7 million apartment in New York.
It makes sense that Madonna would give her boyfriend an allowance -- he's at that age where he needs to start learning about money and responsibility. And for Jesus, what a deal! $10,000/month definitely beats what he used to make on his old paper route ($4/hour). Of course the question you have to ask yourself loyal Celebslam reader is, "What would it take for YOU to sleep with Madonna?" For starters, I'd suggest a liter of whiskey, a body condom, and a blindfold.
Madonna performing live at Hayarkon Park in Tel Aviv, Israel (9/1)
I'm kidding of course. I think it's quite possible that Madonna packs more items into her suitcases when she travels than I own at all. From the
New York Post:
Madonna traveled light to Israel. Just took 11 suites plus 25 rooms plus her own Royal Suite plus her own Italian chef plus her own exercise equipment, which came in on a private plane, plus her five children. The fifth being that nice underemployed Brazilian young boy Jesus she schleps around. Unclear exactly what line of work he's out of, but it's definitely clear what kind of work he's into.
Adjacent to her suite, the Dan Tel Aviv set up a private kitchen on the fifth floor where all her meals were served, including a traditional Shabat dinner presided over by the Kabbalah's Rabbi Berg. And for those daily pilates and stretches, the hotel also turned their King Solomon Ballroom -- often the site of bar mitzvahs and weddings -- into her personal gymnasium. Nobody carried on this way even when Sadat came for a visit.
She needed a separate plane to carry her exercise equipment? Wow, Madonna didn't just rape the environment, she gang-raped it with an old baseball bat and a rusty pole covered in AIDS. The fact that Madonna continues to work out so religiously is still a mystery though. She should realize by now that it's not her body that needs improving, it's her face.
NOTE: What the hell is going on with Madonna's crotch
in this picture. I don't know man. I. Just. Don't. Know.
Guy Ritchie leaving the Kabbalah Centre in London (6/27)
Guy Ritchie is back with the succubus. Oh no. From the
Chicago Sun Times:
Meanwhile, as tipped here recently, Madonna and Guy Ritchie also could be getting back together. While some Madonna friends agree with a London pal -- ''they are just friendly again because of their kids'' -- another Madonna source disagrees. "They probably will never remarry, but they are definitely back together, and that includes romantically. ... Madonna has become bored with [recent boytoy] Jesus Luz."
What could possibly be drawing Guy back to Madonna? Her money? He's
already got it. Her looks? She never had any. He's not meeting new women? He
owns a pub. No, there can only be one logical reason why Guy would ever get back together with that demon spawn:
the health and well-being of their kids she threatened to throw a car at him.
Madonna performing at the Stadium San Siro in Milan (7/14)
One worker has been left dead and six others injured after a stage being built for a Madonna concert collapsed at the Stade Velodrome stadium in Marseille, France. From
AP:
[Maurice Di Nocera, Marseille city councilor in charge of major events] said the roof had been about two-thirds complete and that it collapsed gradually on top of several workers.
"Since it did not collapse right away, that allowed several people to get out, to avoid being hit," he said.
The identities of the dead and injured were not immediately released. The cause of the roof collapse was not clear. Police and emergency officials cordoned off the area.
Madonna's "Sticky & Sweet" tour was due to arrive in Marseille on Sunday, but the concert was canceled because "rebuilding a stage, it's not possible," Di Nocera said.
Well excuse me Mr. Negative, Mr. Can't Rebuild a Stage in Three Days. Obviously this Di Nocera guy isn't a member of Madonna's religion, with its special water and magical wizard strings. Anything's possible with a thin piece of yarn tied around your wrist. Any Kabbalah members out there? What color string is used for miraculous stage-rebuilding?
UPDATE: It's chartreuse. Thanks Ann!
Dear god no Madonna managed to turn thousands of her fans into thousands of her enemies at a concert last weekend in London. Impressive. From the
Daily Mail:
Thousands of Madonna fans faced delays of up to six hours getting home from the Material Girl’s Saturday night concert at The O2 arena after she turned up late and some tube [subway] line services were suspended.
She arrived on stage more than an hour late for her Sticky And Sweet tour — and demanded the air conditioning be switched off, despite sweltering conditions inside the London venue. Fans, including Daniel from London, were quick to voice their anger by posting critical comments online.
He wrote: "I thought the concert was amazing, but actually she should apologise for starting late. I almost had a heart attack trying to get the last Tube. I love Madonna, but it doesn’t seem the feeling is mutual."
Andrew, also from London, wrote: "If the audience can make the effort, so should she. I never thought I would hear a crowd booing at a Madonna concert."
Damn, it's not easy being booed at your own concert. Also not easy? Elliptic geometry. Screw you Bernhard Riemann! Why couldn't you just mind your own fucking business!
Madonna and child Madonna was photographed in public with
her new daughter Mercy James for the first time on Saturday. The two were seen leaving the Kabbalah Centre in London. Madonna's other two kids, Lourdes and David, as well as her ex-husband Guy Ritchie were also spotted. Unfortunately
her boyfriend Jesus Luz couldn't make it because he had a shitload of homework to do. That's just like Ms. Miller, too, assigning four chapters to read over a weekend. What a bitch.
Madonna and Mercy James earlier this year Madonna's
newly-adopted daughter, Mercy James, was secretly flown from Malawi to London early Saturday morning. And then immediately introduced to Madonna's
wacky religion Kabbalah. From machete-wielding death squads and hungry lions to a string-based religion and a mom that looks like she just stepped out of a nightmare. Dude, this kid's life sucks. The
Mirror says:
Mercy wasn’t allowed time to play with toys or settle into her new life. Instead, within hours of arriving, Madonna whisked the child and her new siblings Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight and David, three, to her first lesson in the controversial Kabbalah faith.
Madonna’s ex, Guy Ritchie, who was at the singer’s side when she first spotted Mercy in a Malawi orphanage in 2006, was at the Kabbalah centre. The family spent an hour at the meeting in London before Mercy - wearing a pair of new shiny white sandals - returned to Madonna’s £15million home in Mayfair.
Yesterday experts condemned the way the 50-year-old singer handled her first day as Mercy’s mum. They said Kabbalah was the last thing she needed and urged the superstar to give Mercy quiet time to adapt to her new surroundings.
Child psychologist Katherine Fingleton said: “Taking her to a Kabbalah meeting will be a complete culture shock. She should be kept safe from experiences in the spotlight that will not help with her development.”
Of course Madonna made sure to be on the flight from Malawi to London. This must certainly be a frightening time in young Mercy's life and I'm glad Madonna recognized that and was there to be a calming influence. Totally kidding. Madonna wasn't even on the flight. Mercy was accompanied by a nanny, a nurse, and an aide -- or as she'll no doubt be referring to them in the future: mommy one, mommy two, and mommy three. Madonna's nickname?
That lady.
Malawi court rules in favor of Madonna Malawi's Supreme Court ruled today that Madonna can adopt 4-year-old Mercy James, even though she doesn't meet the country's strict residency rules. The decision overturns
a lower court ruling in April. The U.S. Supreme Court was unavailable to comment on the decision because they're too busy working on stuff that is actually important. From
Reuters:
Mercy's father said Madonna, one of the music industry's most successful singers, should not be allowed to adopt Mercy.
"No one wants to listen to me, I have protested this all along ... I want my child back but I don't know what to do now," James Kabewa told Reuters by telephone from his poor township. "Madonna cannot take her away."
There is little he can do. The Supreme Court ruling cannot be challenged. Kabewa said he quit his job as a security guard to fight the adoption and was being supported by his aunt.
According to tradition in southern Malawi, where Kabewa lives, a grandmother has more say in a child's future than the father. When Mercy's mother died Kabewa was powerless to stop his daughter being sent to an orphanage when she was 3-days-old.
Wait a minute, how in the fuck is this legal? I know I make a lot of jokes about Madonna stealing kids, but it really does sound like she's stealing this kid. Mercy still has a parent who cares deeply about her and wants to raise her in a responsible manner. She's not Lindsay Lohan.
