Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan leaving her hotel in New York (4/23)

According to TMZ, Lindsay Lohan wants to leave her court-mandated 90-day stay at the Betty Ford Center because they won't let her take amphetamines any more--oops, I mean Adderall, which seems like a perfectly normal reaction from someone who really loves drugs.

Sources close to Lindsay [say] doctors at the rehab center evaluated Lindsay this week and decided she does NOT need her Addy pills, despite Lindsay's claims she suffers from ADHD.

We're told Betty Ford's doctors almost NEVER give anyone over the age of 15 the powerful drug, because the docs believe there are plenty of substitute meds for ADHD that do the trick without the addictive qualities inherent in the drug.  And, we're told, the doctors are well aware many people -- especially Hollywood types -- misuse Adderall as a weight-control drug.

Here's the immediate problem -- Lindsay is telling her friends she CANNOT stay at Betty Ford and wants to be moved to another facility that is not hard-nosed about Adderall. And this sets up yet another crisis, because it seems inconceivable Judge Jim Dabney and prosecutors would ignore the Betty Ford doctors and trump their diagnosis by letting Lindsay make a move.

Well, no shit, Sherlock. Why would Lindsay Lohan want to spend a single second in a facility whose mission is to break party girls of drug habits? Come on, people, work with me. Let's try the possible before we try the impossible -- like bringing peace to the Middle East, or building condos on Mars, or plugging a watchable show into CBS's fall lineup. Even if by some miracle Lindsay gets clean, it could destroy the economy as we know it. Here's a fact no one can deny: every single time Lindsay and the word "sobriety" pop up in the same paragraph, my Shire Pharmaceuticals stock falls $.06 a share -- that's something I simply cannot tolerate.

*4 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan might get her drugs taken away in rehab

Even though she has a prescription for it, The Betty Ford Center may take away Lindsay Lohan's medication for her, ahem, "ADHD" (Adderall, a low-grade amphetamine that's highly addictive and can help you bust out 15-page papers in college like nobody's business . . . not that I would know anything about that). Wow, that's terrible. I've never heard of a famous person convincing a shady doctor to give them prescription meds just so they can get high, so you know Lindsay must have a crippling case of this if she needs powerful meds. Right? Prescription drug abuse isn't a thing that people do, right? From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan is NOT drug free at The Betty Ford Center. Sources connected with the rehab queen tell TMZ Betty Ford is allowing her to take the powerful drug, Adderall. The reason -- she has an Rx and says she's been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Lindsay has made it clear over the last month -- she would only go to rehab if she's allowed to take the med.  But sources tell us doctors at Betty Ford are currently evaluating Lindsay's diagnosis and the efficacy of the drug.  If doctors disbelieve her diagnosis or the usefulness of Adderall, they will cut her off.

It's funny how the mind works. Earlier, I saw my inconsiderate neighbor (who's a terrible lay, btw) have her bulldog take a giant dump on my lawn, which inspired me to get some data on Lindsay's "sickness." After an exhausting 30-second search on Wikipedia, I found that: "ADHD management usually involves some combination of medications, BEHAVIOR THERAPY, LIFESTYLE CHANGES, and counseling." What does it mean, you ask? Well, it means that Lindsay Lohan loves drugs. LiLo doesn't have an attention deficit problem, she has a spoiled-rotten/zero accountability/addiction to excuse-making problem. Lindsay might want to give a solid effort at Betty Ford because she'll be on the wrong side of 30 soon, and you know she's nowhere near hot enough to stay relevant when that happens.

*10 LiLo pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan is lying about her drug use

Truth, I'd like to introduce you to Lindsay Lohan; Lindsay Lohan, Truth. I don't think you two have ever met. From Lindsay's interview with the Daily Mail:

Daily Mail: How many times have you taken cocaine?
Lindsay Lohan: "Everyone thinks I've done it so many times. But I've only done it maybe four or five times in my life."
DM: Really?
LL: "Yes, I don't like it. It reminds me of my dad. I took it four times in a period from about the age of 20 to 23, and I got caught twice."
DM: Did it make you feel good?
LL: "No. I felt a little too buzzed - it made me feel uncomfortable."
DM: People will find it hard to believe you've only taken it four times.
LL: "It's the truth. I've never taken heroin either, never injected myself with anything, never done LSD. Those things all scare me."

Lindsay isn't lying -- technically she's only done coke a few times in this life. It's just that this life started in February or so. You see, since she stole our hearts in Herbie: Fully Loaded, Lindsay's died and been reincarnated at least a dozen times. The reason she hasn't perished permanently is because she keeps extending her contract with her lord and savior, Joan Rivers Satan. To tell you the truth, Satan probably won't get much of a return for that thing because it's pretty much shit by now. The best he could probably do is break it up and use the pieces in sneaker commercials, like what Yoko Ono did to the Beatles catalog.

*20 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan checks into the Betty Ford Center

After checking in and out of the unlicensed Morningside Recovery Center in Newport Beach yesterday (what, you thought she would actually not act like a fuckup for once?), Lindsay Lohan checked into the Betty Ford Center in Rancho Mirage earlier today to begin her 90-day stay per the terms of her plea bargain from the car accident she lied about in June. Upon hearing the news, every single cocaine dealer in L.A. filed for unemployment. They are so fucked.

*5 Lindsay Lohan pics total in the gallery:

Tara Reid drunk at Coachella last month

You know you've hit rock bottom in life when Tara Reid of all people is taking shits on you. From TMZ:

Tara Reid is no fan of Lindsay Lohan ... and Lindsay Lohan ain't too fond of Tara either ... so says the "American Pie" star. Tara hosted "TMZ on TV" yesterday ... and told us she and LiLo have some serious issues, despite the fact they run in the same social circles.

"We don't really like each other that much," Reid said ... "If I get drunk, I'm a happy drunk. When she gets drunk, she's just mean."

Yes! I finally get to put my promoter's license to use in America (no more Tijuana donkey shows for this fella). There comes a time where has-beens cross paths and differences need settling -- in blood and leaked silicone. I've already rented out a bingo hall in Bethlehem, PA and billed it as "Valtrexmania," see your local ex dealer for tickets. The Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan feud has been brewing since 1997 -- which coincidentally was "Year of the Burning Vaginal Discharge" on the zodiac calendar. I know it'll be a great fight, my only concern is how to call a stoppage in case of injury considering the amount of botox injected into their mugs. Ah, who am I kidding -- between the booze and the illegal Rx, these two idiots are pretty much pickled.

*5 Tara Reid pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan arriving for a flight at LAX airport (4/18)

What fortuitous timing that Lindsay Lohan would fall for an extremely wealthy man just days before her rent is due. Love works in mysterious ways! Via the Daily Mail:

[Lindsay Lohan] was spotted going on what is thought to be a date with wealthy Saudi producer Mohammed Al Turki on Tuesday evening. The pair were seen heading to Broadway show The Orphans in New York City, where Lindsay is currently spending time with her family before she checks into rehab on May 2.

This is not the first time Lindsay and Mohammed have enjoyed each other's company. In fact, the pair go way back. As recent as this February Lindsay was accompanied by the producer to New York's annual amfAR gala. The duo posed on the red carpet together, even holding hands. They also attended Lady Gaga's Fame perfume launch at New York's Guggenheim Museum last September.

So the burned-out, ex-movie star is latching onto a wannabe Hollywood player who just happens to lounge around a swimming pool filled with hundred dollar bills a la Tony Montana . . . gee, what could possibly go wrong? Well, my guess is that Mohammed Al Turki will run out of money before Lindsay's heart explodes, because if there's one thing I can compliment our girl Lilo on is her ability to absorb drugs the way Ke$ha fans absorb shitty music. I learned a very expensive lesson years ago when I lost my Hanukkah money betting on Lindsay's demise in a local celebrity death pool, which happened to be sponsored by the Screen Actors Guild.

*10 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan arriving for a flight at LAX airport (3/27)

E! says that Lindsay Lohan and her boyfriend Avi Snow have split up. Well, yeah. You don't want to be attached to someone right before you're about to go party in rehab for a month.

Lindsay Lohan is back on the market. Sources confirm exclusively to E! News that she and rocker Avi Snow have broken up after a brief, yet PDA-friendly, romance. The details of what led to their demise as a couple remain scarce and it's unclear if they've seen each other since Snow saw her off to Brazil last week.

Please, I don't need any details about this breakup when I can make educated leaps my damn self. The reason for Lindsay's latest breakup is the same as all of her breakups, career stall, and family problems: drugs, drugs, and drugs. What? Did you think I was gonna go on some long-winded rant? Nah, too easy. Avi Snow probably found out why Samantha Ronson has carpal tunnel syndrome and an arthritic tongue, and it scared the hell out of him. A coked-out and boozed-up Lindsay Lohan will break any man, woman, court system, or probation board you can put in front or underneath her. Avi was smart enough to cut his losses before he got a departing gift that can only be filled at a pharmacy.

*20 LiLo pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan at a nightclub in Sao Paulo, Brazil (3/29)

Lindsay Lohan is currently in Sao Paolo, Brazil promoting the John John Denim line ("We're just like Levi's, but really bad with our money"), and Thursday night she was photographed hiding under a table at a nightclub after "refusing to take photos with fans." Which is totally normal, right? From E!:

Sources exclusively tell E! News that Lohan wasn't drinking at the bash, and that her arrival caused a bit of chaos, forcing the star to head to the DJ table for safety after she was swarmed by guests.

A source says: "She was amazing and fulfilled her obligations, and it is so sad that the one shot was taken when she was trying to take a break--of constantly being attacked for autographs and pictures--under the DJ booth, and that in this case, the media is unfairly destroying her."

Oh yes, clearly Lindsay just climbed under the table to take a little break. All the top actors do it. I know on her lunch break, Meryl Streep will often drive to a local IKEA and go crawl under a bed. Hell, Christian Bale almost got fired from Batman Forever because he couldn't stop building couch forts in between shots. It's totally normal behavior and not influenced whatsoever by the fact that cocaine flows like tap water in South America so don't think that at all.

*7 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Sounds like Lindsay Lohan puts out

Read this story about Lindsay Lohan and tell me she isn't putting out to anyone who has an actual income/credit score over 650/coke. Via the Daily Mail:

[The Wanted] are currently filming their new reality show in Los Angeles and Tom Parker has revealed the band will be inviting their troubled friend Lindsay Lohan over for a house party at their new Hollywood Hills pad. Speaking to MailOnline The Wanted singer said that even if nothing was going on between his band mate Max George and the actress, the group would still like to spend time with her.

He said: "We all get on so well with Lindsay, she's a great girl. We all have a lot of fun with her and even if things aren't going on between her and Max she will be coming around to our house to party, absolutely."

Boy, The Wanted are as subtle as the Kardashian sisters at the NFL Pro Bowl. Yeah, we get it, boys. Lindsay, being the little engine that could, is more than willing to pull a train through as many "tracks" as you One Direction-lite posers can afford to lay down. I actually feel bad for Lindsay -- at least Samantha Ronson had the courtesy to pretend to be in a relationship with her before she shoved her fingers into Lilo's uterus.

*5 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan's newest mugshot

And you thought Lindsay Lohan would never be part of a major ad campaign again!