Lauren Conrad

Lauren Conrad leaving Tru nightclub in West Hollywood (10/17)

I know what you're thinking: Who hooked up with Chace Crawford? Chace is pretty cool (he got caught with a joint last year in Texas and was lucky they didn't execute him), but Lauren might be the most boring celebrity in Hollywood. I'm still not quite sure why she's famous (I'm pretty sure she scammed the Make-A-Wish Foundation to star on The Hills). From Us Weekly:

Lauren Conrad recently split with Dancing with the Stars pro Derek Hough, but she’s not wasting any time moving on to her next guy. A source tells Us Weekly that Conrad was spotted "making out" with Chace Crawford on Oct. 29.

Conrad and the Gossip Girl star kicked off their night of flirting at an L.A. nightclub and later connected at a party at actor Shawn Pyfrom's house.

"There's always been an attraction between them," an insider tells Us of the longtime pals. "[But] Lauren is just enjoying herself. She's not taking anything too seriously!"

Watch out for these two, world. The water broke and the placenta is dripping, and you know what that means: we're bearing witness to the birth of Hollywood's next great power couple. We all know that great things come in twos: Brad and Angelina, Sofia Vergara's tits, Disney child stars and cocaine -- but this mighty union is gonna rock Tinseltown like nothing we've seen. Get ready to take one in the tailpipe America, because when these two get together, the Teen Choice Awards will never...EEEEVEER...be the same again (Oops, I shat myself when I said EEEEVEER).

*6 Lauren Conrad pictures total in the gallery:

Lauren Conrad at the HTC Status Social launch event at Paramount Studios in L.A. (7/19)

It's official: Lauren Conrad has way too much money and is just looking for ways to waste it now. I'll get you for this MTV! If it's the last thing I do! From the Chicago Sun Times:

Don’t think Sprinkles needs to worry, but Lauren Conrad continues to build her business empire — beyond her successful fashion lines — with plans to open cupcake shops.

Seeing Lauren branch off into other entrepreneurial endeavors has got to be an inspiration for millions of young women everywhere. It just goes to show all of the enterprising ladies out there that with hard work blonde hair, determination perfect teeth, and a "can do attitude" rich parents, you too can accomplish all of your hopes and dreams.

*16 Lauren Conrad pictures total in the gallery:

Famous author Lauren Conrad

Wait a minute, April Fool's Day was last week. I'm . . . I'm confused. From Us Weekly:

Lauren Conrad -- whose debut teen novel, L.A. Candy, hit No. 1 on a New York Times bestseller list -- just scored another three-book deal with HarperCollins, she tells UsMagazine.com exclusively. Called The Fame Game, the Hills alum's upcoming trilogy is set in the reality TV universe, and features Madison Parker, an ambitious, ruthless character from the L.A. Candy series who's ready to become a star in her own right.

"We took the mean girl of the [L.A. Candy books], spinning her off" Conrad, 25, tells Us of The Fame Game's tough protagonist Madison. "This series is about a girl who loves everything that fame is, and that's all she's ever really wanted. [Madison] has fun with the press, she enjoys the attention, she welcomes scandal!"\

Her last book hit No. 1 on the New York Times bestseller list? Who the hell is buying this crap? I thought the audience she catered to didn't have time to read because they were too busy watching vampire movies, shopping at the mall, and listening to Miley Cyrus music. It just goes to show that if you're constantly on TV, the public will buy almost anything you're selling -- unless your name is Meg Whitman.

*5 Lauren Conrad pictures total in the gallery:

Lauren Conrad arriving at LAX airport (1/12)

Jesus, would it kill this chick to do something remotely interesting like release a sex tape or get a DUI? It's not like she has any dignity. She's a freaking reality star. From the New York Post:

Is Lauren Conrad hiding something about her love life? The star of "The Hills" is said to be secretly engaged to boyfriend Kyle Howard, whom she's been dating since 2008. But a source said, "She is not wearing a ring because she wants to hold the secret back for her new MTV show." Conrad, whose complicated romantic life was the focus of "The Hills," is working on a new show for MTV that's supposed to be more about her fashion line than her love life. Her rep declined to comment.

Typical. Rather than share with her friends and family how happy she is, Lauren has been told by her publicist to withhold the engagement news in order to generate higher ratings for her TV show. If Lauren really wants to generate viewership by focusing on her personal life, she should probably skip the wedding announcement and just stick a video camera in her shower. You know that's how Katharine Hepburn became famous, don't you? Oh yeah, it's a big industry secret. No one talks about it.

*15 Lauren Conrad pictures total in the gallery:

Lauren Conrad leaving the Herve Leger boutique in West Hollywood (7/26)

Since The Hills ended earlier this year, MTV has found itself dangerously short on vacuous reality stars. Problem solved! From MTV:

"The Hills" star Lauren Conrad is returning to MTV with a new reality series, which will follow her as she builds a new fashion house from scratch.

"It's focusing on my career and all the things that I love to do," Lauren told MTV News of the new series. "I think it'll be a very different show [from 'The Hills']. That'll be nice."

Something else different about this, her third MTV reality series? She'll be one of the bosses! "This time around, I'm involved with producing," Lauren dished. "I love the style they want to film it in."

If returning to MTV wasn't homecoming enough, Lauren will also be working with several former "Hills" colleagues on her new series. "I'm excited because I get to work with some of my old crew, which is really cool," Lauren said. "I haven't gotten to see them in a while because they're all very busy people, but hopefully I'm going to get some familiar faces. I already have a couple of the guys from 'The Hills.'"

Didn't Lauren learn from her last dalliance (see here) into the fashion industry? No one wants to wear her clothes -- they just want to see her take them off. Lauren needs to realize that bubble-headed blondes only become titans of the fashion industry if they have posses one important quality: talent financial backing a dead gay brother.

*12 Lauren Conrad pictures total in the gallery:

Lauren Conrad at a book-signing in Miami (2/10)

Remember when Lauren Conrad's first book LA Candy went to the top of the New York Times Best Seller List? Well she just released her second book earlier this month (!). And it's a best seller. In other news, scientists confirmed today that teenagers are fucking morons. Check out what Mavrix said about Lauren's book-signing on Wednesday in Miami:

Lauren Conrad looked extremely tired during her book signing at Books & Books in Coral Gables Florida tonight. Sipping on a red bull the Hills starlet looked as if she was going to fall into the table and sleep before guests arrived for signing. Her face was caked in thick foundation and powder that was no use against the bags under her eyes. The stress of her schedule is physically manifesting now as she is breaking out with acne, her posture is collapsing like a folding chair, and her eyes lack that twinkle that we love and anticipated. Lauren needs to sleep and hit a spa before she gets back on the road.

Congratulations, you just read something that's roughly ten-times deeper and more eloquent than anything Lauren Conrad has ever put to paper. If you are planning on buying Lauren's book, do me a favor. When you get it, turn to the start of Chapter 4 on page 37 (the chapter about lip gloss). Now give yourself a paper cut. I hate you.

Lauren Conrad leaving MI6 nightclub in West Hollywood (9/29)

If my head wasn't already horribly horribly bruised from that Kardashian story I posted yesterday, I would totally beat it against my keyboard right now. From Variety:

Temple Hill Entertainment has acquired screen rights to "L.A. Candy," the bestselling debut novel by Lauren Conrad, ex-star of reality series "The Hills" and "Laguna Beach."

Temple Hill partners Marty Bowen and Wyck Godfrey ("Twilight") will produce. Conrad will be exec producer through her Blue Eyed Girl Prods. banner. The book, published in June by HarperCollins, has been on the bestseller lists of the New York Times for 14 weeks.

Informed by Conrad's experiences, "L.A. Candy" tells the story of a 19-year-old who moves to Hollywood, quickly finds fame as a reality series star and then has to deal with the ramifications of living a fishbowl life. Conrad plans to write two more books on the reality travails of protag Jane Roberts.

"Lauren, who became an icon in that reality show world, came to us with a structure of how to tell the story in an interesting fashion that was separate and apart from the book," Bowen said. "We loved her take. Her book is an honest portrayal of what it must be like to set out to be normal, then sign on to become famous and eventually realize, wow, this isn't at all what I'd planned for myself."

Bowen said they will set a writer before looking for a studio/financier for the project, which was sold by UTA. Conrad will be involved in shaping the direction of the script.

The most depressing part about this story is that when Lauren's movie is finally released, it will probably be one of the biggest blockbusters of the year. Why? Because teenage girls will watch anything -- just ask the producers of Twilight. And for those aspiring writers out there with actual talent (who are forced to toil daily by writing about worthless pieces of human excrement like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan on celebrity blogs), after reading this article I only have one piece of advice for you: kill yourselves. Wait, that's me. Aw dammit.

Lauren Conrad at Kohl's "Clean Up" with Lauren Conrad" event in Santa Monica (9/19)

+ Gisele is fat [Just Jared]

+ Holy crap is trashy skinny [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Saved by the Bell secrets revealed [PopEater]
+ More Amber Heard sexiness in FHM [Popoholic]
+ Rihanna showing off her whaletail [TaxiDriverMovie]

+ Miley totally looks like she's taking a shit on stage [IDLYITW]
+ 35 awesome acts of bathroom graffiti [Holy Taco]
+ Michael C. Hall doing what he does best: killing [OK! magazine]
+ Another celeb diagnosed with swine flu . . . [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Lauren Conrad is a best seller

Never underestimate the stupidity of teenagers. The novel someone else wrote and then Lauren Conrad put her name on -- L.A. Candy -- is a New York Times best seller. It topped the "Children's Chapter Books" list for the second straight week. Conrad told People:

"If someone said to me five years ago when this all started that I would one day make the New York Times Best Seller list I wouldn't have believed it. I am so honored that it is now a reality. It was such a compliment to be included in something with such established names."

What is this world coming to? I can't get six people to follow me on Twitter but this moron gets thousands to read her book? Obviously all it takes to make money these days is to get your face on TV. Unfortunately, the only way that's probably ever going to happen for me is if . . . wait, is Dateline still doing that To Catch a Predator series?

Lauren Conrad signing copies of her book L.A Candy at Barnes & Noble in New York (6/18)

A few years ago, if you would have told me that one day I'd be posting pictures of Lauren Conrad at her book signing, I probably would have punched you in the face and then tried to steal your obviously of very high quality acid. Shouldn't a requirement for writing a book be, oh I don't know, that you've read a fucking book.