There's really no good way to spin a story about housekeeping finding a tub full of blood in your hotel suite. Trust me, I've killed enough hippies, hookers, and drifters to know. From MTV:
[Lady Gaga] has now been accused by staff at the plush Intercontinental Hotel of "bathing in blood as part of a Satanic ritual" after a housekeeper found the tub of red stuff in GaGa's suite.
The stunned hotel worker told website Truthquake: "Lady GaGa left large amounts of blood in the suite during a stay this summer. The incident was reported to the concierge, who was told to put it out of her mind."
Speaking of the gory discovery, a source told The Sun: "All of the hotel's staff are convinced she was bathing in it or, at the very least, using it as part of one of her new costumes or weird stage routines."
I know what you're thinking, but allow me to untangle the web of bullshit the media is spinning regarding our beloved Lady Gaga. There was no satanic ritual, and it wasn't the return of the meat suit. Yes, the liquid was blood, I concede that point. Please remember that Lady Gaga is a good Catholic girl at heart, and satanic rituals go against what she believes in. The blood that filled the tub was her menstrual cycle blood. Stefani has a really heavy flow. She's famous for the copious amounts of blood she leaks during a full moon. I'll have you know that as a child, Gaga's nickname was "Elevator Scene from The Shining." Not just because of the blood, but also because when Gaga opened her legs, two creepy little girls holding hands would come out and say "come play with us." I don't know how true that is but nobody's proved that it's not true, either.
Lady Gaga leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood (7/28)
Lady Gaga was on the "edge of a meltdown" last week when she discovered that the hotel she was staying at in Las Vegas didn't have a private pool for her exclusive use. Ugh, that used to happen to me *all the time* when I lived in North Korea. From the New York Post:
"She checked into the Cosmopolitan, was unhappy with the room, checked out and then went to The Palms, but still wasn’t happy and was frantically searching for a new room," a source told us.
A Cosmopolitan spokesperson confirmed, "Lady Gaga did check out of the property, but she did not hate her room and had nothing but praise for the arrival staff, butlers, etc. She was looking for a private pool, which the resort doesn’t offer."
This actually sounds like a pretty thoughtful request from Lady Gaga. Considering all of the rotting meat she's been known to wear, swimming in a pool with other people probably would have caused them all to contract salmonella. Then again, maybe swimming alone allowed Lady Gaga to avoid the media spotlight and wear something practical for once -- like a Speedo.
Lady Gaga arriving on a flight at LAX airport (9/10)
You'd think with an entourage of 20, at least one person would've told Lady Gaga that you could *totally* see her underwear through her dress Saturday at LAX. Omigosh, she must have been so embarrassed. I bet she doesn't show her face in public for literally weeks after this mortifying incident.
Lady Gaga was her typical jackass self Monday as she stopped by Z-100 studios in New York, wearing some sort of lace mask across her face (get it? because people don't normally do that!!!). Lace is flammable, right?
Oh good. I was worried my children and children's children would never be able to enjoy a dress made of rancid meat. Thanks Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! From Yahoo!:
On Thursday, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will unveil [Lady Gaga's] infamous raw-meat dress to the public. The dress — made of layers of Argentinian beef — was kept in a meat locker, placed in a vat of chemicals and then dried out by taxidermists in California before being transported to the museum.
Hall of Fame spokeswoman Margaret Thresher says the dress took on a "dark, beef-jerky" look while dehydrating, so it was painted to look "fresh" afterwards. The entire process took several months to complete.
Can you imagine what this dress must smell like by now? I can -- with that much rotting meat, probably a cross between Amy Winehouse's breath and Rosie O'Donnell's underwear. Besides, who'd pay to go see a mound of putrid/weathered beef? You can see that from the comfort of your own home by Googling "Paris Hilton" and "crotch shot."
Oh Gaga, you've done it again, you devilish fiend, you!
I don't usually openly root for horrible tragedies, but it would have been funny if there was a massive fire at the CFDA Fashion Awards last night and Lady Gaga had to run out of Lincoln Center.
Lady Gaga promoting her new album in Mexico City, Mexico (5/6)
As if the threat of violent death at the hands of drug lords wasn't bad enough for Mexicans, Lady Gaga wore that Friday while promoting her new album in Mexico City. "Ay Dios Mio!" a nearby lady gasped as she did the Sign of the Cross four times, clutching her rosary and praying that this monster from the north would go away and never return.
And no, I don't mean because he has two dads and zero moms. I mean because Lady Gaga is his godmother. That's just weird. From Us Weekly:
As long speculated, Elton John and husband David Furnish have anointed Lady Gaga as the godmother of their son Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John, born last December.
"Yes, yes she is," John, 63, finally confirms to Barbara Walters in an upcoming interview teased Friday morning on Good Morning America. "When you get to the real person under there, there's a real simple person under there who loves her parents."
Added Furnish, 48: "Zachary's going to inherit an incredible musical legacy from his father one day, and she will be a good person to guide him through the ins and outs of the music business, 'cause she sure knows everything about the business now."
Are these guys sure they want to make Lady Gaga the godmother of their child? Considering what she looks like, the kid might confuse her for his real mother -- Elton John. And what does David mean that Gaga knows everything about the music business? Constantly manipulating the media and pandering to the public doesn't prove that she knows how to be a musician. It proves that she knows how to be a politician.
Lady Gaga is so edgy that she wants to guest star on ABC's hit show Modern Family. Get it? Because you totally wouldn't expect to see her on that show! My god, she's so nonconformist! Via Starpulse:
Pop star Lady Gaga has appealed to producers behind hit TV show Modern Family to find her a guest role on the series. The singer is a big fan of the program, but Modern Family actor Jesse Tyler Ferguson fears it will prove too difficult to write the larger-than-life star into the script.
Speaking on talk show Live with Regis and Kelly on Wednesday, Ferguson says, "She (Gaga) reached out and she wanted to do something with the show but it's like, how do you incorporate Lady Gaga into Modern Family?"
Putting Lady Gaga into an episode of Modern Family would be a horrible idea. Why? Because every second she's on screen, Sofia Vergara's tits aren't. Frankly, that show would probably get better ratings if they just fired all of the other actors and only showed Sofia doing jumping jacks for a half-hour.* They could call it "Sofia Vergara Doing Jumping Jacks for a Half-Hour." Instant hit!
Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: