Kris Jenner


Kris Jenner departing on a flight at LAX airport (9/22)

Kris Jenner is officially single. She finally filed for divorce from her husband Bruce Jenner yesterday. The petition lists their official separation as June 1, 2013, but you can tell Bruce checked out years ago. In response to the filing, Bruce has planned a fireworks show outside his home in Malibu for later tonight. From the New York Daily News:
In the filing, which cites irreconcilable differences as the cause of their split after 23 years of marriage, Kris requests joint custody of daughter Kylie, the only one of their kids who is still a minor.

She is also petitioning to keep all her jewelry and wants to divide the rest of their assets later.
I'm shocked Kris is listing June 1 of last year as their separation date. "Excuse me lawyer, what's the date when I officially started making more money than Bruce? January 9, 2003? Okay, we split up January 10, 2003. MONEY! MONEY MONEY!"

Kim Kardashian's soul is said to be crushed after learning about the divorce filing. Luckily she sold it to a dude in the Middle East years ago, so she's not really feeling anything right now. Yeah for money!

*10 Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Divorce Filing 1
  • Kris Jenner Divorce Filing 2
  • Kris Jenner Divorce Filing 3
  • Kris Jenner Divorce Filing 4
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A dream third wedding for Kim

Kris Jenner is "seething" that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian didn't cash in on their wedding pictures, and instead released them to the internet. The New York Post says they turned down international offers of $11 million for the pics. International? Hell, I'm assuming. From the paper:
Kardashian klan mastermind Jenner, however, "very much wanted to sell the pictures," a source says, pointing out that Jenner gets commission on her kids' business interests. The source told Page Six, "Kris was none too happy."

But West had other ideas. "Kanye is taking a page from [Jay-Z and Beyonce], who own their photos," a source said.

Another source close to Kim insisted that Jenner had nothing to do with her decision to turn down money for the wedding photos. "These are Kim's wedding pictures," the insider said. "Kim and Kanye were getting offers for money, and they decided with their teams not to take any."
I like how the Post says that Kanye "and Kim" decided not to sell the pics. Make no mistake, this was 100% Kanye's decision. Kim won't turn down a nickel she finds on the sidewalk. Getting her to give up $11 million for doing literally no work whatsoever is like getting Jonah Hill to give up donut cheeseburgers. You can try, but you're gonna lose an arm.

*11 Kanye Kim pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 1
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 2
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 3
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 4
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 5
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 6
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 7
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 8
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 9
  • Kanye Kim Wedding Picture Sale 10

Kris Jenner on her way to SoulCycle in Beverly Hills (3/10)

Stop me if you've heard this story before, but one of the Kardashians is being blackmailed over a sex tape. Plot twist: It's the mom. From Radar:
According to a source close to the Kardashian-Jenner family, Jenner was approached over a week ago by an unknown man claiming to be in possession of a sex tape starring the Keeping Up with the Kardashians momager.

"At first she thought it was a joke, because she knew it couldn't be real," the source told Radar. "Obviously she would never allow herself to be taped like that! Initially, she just ignored it."
"Obviously she would never allow herself to be taped like that" in reference to Kris Jenner might be the funniest thing I've ever heard. If the money was right, she would go fuck O.J. in prison and sell the footage to Vivid. There's literally nothing she wouldn't do for money.
But it soon became clear that her tormentor would not let go so easily.

"He called Kris more than one hundred times in the last seven days, from more than 100 different phone numbers," the source revealed. "He uses scrambled cell numbers. He called more than 25 times just yesterday (Sunday) alone! The man has been demanding money from Kris. If he's not paid, he claims, he'll release the tape."
Oh no, Kris must be so stressed. If only there was someone she could talk to -- a daughter-like figure, perhaps -- who was in the same situation in the past, but used it to her advantage to make millions of dollars. Nope, can't think of anybody.
As a result, the insider revealed, "The family has drastically stepped up their security and Kris had no choice but to turn all the information over to law enforcement and to [the family's private investigator] Gavin DeBecker."
In other news, the Kardashian family has a private investigator on staff. They're basically like their own little country. I wouldn't be surprised if they try to take over Malibu like it's Crimea.

*15 Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 1
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 2
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 3
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 4
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 5
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 1
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 2
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  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 10

Kris Jenner arriving a medical center in L.A. (2/4)

Since Kris Jenner has squeezed every last nickle she could out of Hollywood, it only makes sense that she'd move on to the high seas. "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, give me all your appearance loot and sponsorships booty, um, or I'll rape you!"

*10 Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Pirate 1
  • Kris Jenner Pirate 2
  • Kris Jenner Pirate 3
  • Kris Jenner Pirate 4
  • Kris Jenner Pirate 5
  • Kris Jenner Pirate 6
  • Kris Jenner Pirate 7
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  • Kris Jenner Pirate 10

The Kardashians are going out Heaven's Gate style

Kris Jenner says when the Kardashians finally retire as a reality family, they're going out all at once . . . with E! filing bankruptcy shortly after. Kris said:
"We made a deal with one another when we shot the first episode that if someone is not having a good time we'll have to stop, and no one has ever said they're not having a good time I think we're having the time of our lives."
So the only thing keeping Team KKK on TV is whether or not the sows are happily producing cultural poison? Well, since being off TV is like death to these people, I believe a Heaven's Gate-style exit suits them perfectly. Hopefully Kanye will be a full member by the time the UFO flies by so he can join in on the tequila and cyanide shots . . . who are we kidding? -- this family isn't going anywhere. After all, it was Kris who promised her money makers that she'd quit as soon as they weren't having fun, and we've all heard how much she honors promises made to her family . . . specifically husbands.

*10 Kardashian family pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kardashian Family Retirement 1
  • Kardashian Family Retirement 2
  • Kardashian Family Retirement 3
  • Kardashian Family Retirement 4
  • Kardashian Family Retirement 5
  • Kardashian Family Retirement 6
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  • Kardashian Family Retirement 10

Kris Jenner is a monster

Kris Jenner being a terrible mother isn't a recent phenomenon -- she's been one for years. According to In Touch Weekly, Kris started Khloe on a gym routine when she was just 4-years-old. Holy crap. I was still figuring out how to use the toilet instead of my bed at 4-years-old. I can't imagine trying to learn the elliptical. From the magazine:
Kris Jenner's obsession with looks has reached a new high. The Kardashian matriarch not only wanted Khloe Kardashian to get a nose job at age 9 -- she had her working out at the young age of 4! In the new issue of In Touch, Kris' sister -- and Khloe's aunt -- Karen Houghton recalls how Kris would force Khloe, who's struggled with her weight her entire life, to exercise.

"Khloe might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise," Karen tells In Touch. "I would take her a couple of times a week."

Khloe has done all she can to build up her own self, but friends fear she'll never be able to tune Kris out completely. "Your parents are supposed to be there for you," says the insider. "You don't hurt your daughter like that."
What, can't a mother care about her daughter's happiness? This is Khloe Kardashian we're talking about here. Chewy is considered to be the least-talented Kardashian -- and her competition is a porn star and a woman too stupid to understand the concept of birth control. I think that Khloe should be honored to have a mother honest enough to tell her that she's a real beast who'll never find a man to take care of her unless she sheds some of that disgusting fat from her then 4-year-old frame. Has it worked? Well, you tell me. Khloe seems to be the most well-adjusted of the awful Kardashian Klan (well, as long as you ignore her own relentless self-promotion and love of fake relationships for the sake of getting her ugly mug on TV). Yep, Khloe is well-adjusted as long as you ignore her desperate cries for approval from her pimp. Oops, I didn't mean her pimp, I mean her mother . . . yeah, no differences between a pimp and Kris Jenner at all.

*21 Khloe Kardashian and Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 1
  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 2
  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 3
  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 4
  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 5
  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 6
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  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 8
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  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 17
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  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 19
  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 20

Kendall Jenner leaving Fred Segal in West Hollywood (12/19)

One Direction boybander Harry Styles wants to date Kendall Jenner, but he doesn't want to be on TV and has refused to allow E! cameras on their dates. Who does this little punk think he is? It almost like he thinks this is a real relationship! From the New York Daily News:
Producers of Keeping Up With the Kardashians had asked Kendall to let them follow their dates in Los Angeles and New York or even use some cell phone video. However Styles, 19, laid down the law to his girlfriend, insisting that their dates are "personal, not professional."

"Harry has told Kendall that he will not appear on 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' under any circumstances," our source tells us. "Harry does not want his love life played out across the world on TV ... Kris [Jenner] has a double interest. Obviously she wants her daughter to have the best relationship with Harry but as the show's EP knows how much of a draw footage of the pair could be. Naturally, the producers want Harry on camera."
Well, I think we can all agree that Harry Styles must have balls the size of grapefruits, because no one -- and I mean NO ONE -- gets in between Kris Jenner and selling her daughters for the sake of her TV show. Take Kanye, for example. For all his big talk about not allowing himself to be used by Mother Dearest to boost her stranglehold on the world of reality entertainment, Kanye is the star free-agent signing on Team KKK's bench. It's a spectacular and well-deserved fall from grace for Black Jesus (self-proclaimed). Now the Evil Empire has Mr. Styles in its crosshairs, so I guess we'll find out if his management team is stronger than all of Kendall's kegel training at the feet of her Sith Lord of a mother. If history tells us anything, it's that we should plan to see Harry all over E! for the next year until Kendall dumps him because he's no longer peaking on iTunes . . . it also tells us that you should never enter into any agreement of mutual assistance with France.

*20 Kendall Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Harry Styles No Cameras 1
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 2
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 3
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 4
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 5
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  • Harry Styles No Cameras 17
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 18
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 19
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 20
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Kris Jenner's ridiculously-big Christmas tree

Oh no wait, that's the Christmas tree in Kris Jenner's foyer. She wanted a bigger one, but they're protected by the National Park Service.


The Kardashians throw a yard sale in Woodland Hills (11/10)

Flynet says this is the Kardashian family hosting a yard sale "in which all proceeds would be matched by the family and go to the charities Greater Los Angeles Fisher House Foundation and No Kid Hungry." Yeah, right. You know those panhandlers that ask you for spare change to buy food, but you really know they're gonna take your money and go buy meth with it? This is the higher class version of that. You just bought Kris Jenner a new fucking Bentley, suckers.

*35 Kardashian yard sale pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kardashians Yard Sale 1
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 2
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 3
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 4
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 5
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 6
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  • Kardashians Yard Sale 28
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 29
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 30

Kris Jenner out for lunch in Beverly Hills (10/30)

Kris Jenner tells Joan Rivers on her new webseries In Bed With Joan (*shudders*) that she cried herself to sleep when her daughter's sex tape first came out:
"I cried myself to sleep...I don't think anything can prepare you for something like that when it comes to your daughter. I had to go into a room and cry for a couple days and say, 'okay, pull yourself to-fucking-gether because you have to be here for all these kids and your family, and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.'"
I don't doubt for a second that Kris Jenner was in tears when Kim's sex tape came out. I just think it's for a different reason than she's implying. "I can't help but think -- *sniff* --  that I should have negotiated a cut of the backend -- *wipes away tear* -- instead of just a lump sum payment up front. I have failed as an exploitative mother -- *sniff* -- and I can only hope to get better in the coming years."

*15 Kris Jenner Beverly Hills pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 1
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 2
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 3
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 4
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 5
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  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 12
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 13
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 14
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 15

Would You Rather?

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