Kris Jenner


Kris Jenner on her way to SoulCycle in Beverly Hills (3/10)

Stop me if you've heard this story before, but one of the Kardashians is being blackmailed over a sex tape. Plot twist: It's the mom. From Radar:
According to a source close to the Kardashian-Jenner family, Jenner was approached over a week ago by an unknown man claiming to be in possession of a sex tape starring the Keeping Up with the Kardashians momager.

"At first she thought it was a joke, because she knew it couldn't be real," the source told Radar. "Obviously she would never allow herself to be taped like that! Initially, she just ignored it."
"Obviously she would never allow herself to be taped like that" in reference to Kris Jenner might be the funniest thing I've ever heard. If the money was right, she would go fuck O.J. in prison and sell the footage to Vivid. There's literally nothing she wouldn't do for money.
But it soon became clear that her tormentor would not let go so easily.

"He called Kris more than one hundred times in the last seven days, from more than 100 different phone numbers," the source revealed. "He uses scrambled cell numbers. He called more than 25 times just yesterday (Sunday) alone! The man has been demanding money from Kris. If he's not paid, he claims, he'll release the tape."
Oh no, Kris must be so stressed. If only there was someone she could talk to -- a daughter-like figure, perhaps -- who was in the same situation in the past, but used it to her advantage to make millions of dollars. Nope, can't think of anybody.
As a result, the insider revealed, "The family has drastically stepped up their security and Kris had no choice but to turn all the information over to law enforcement and to [the family's private investigator] Gavin DeBecker."
In other news, the Kardashian family has a private investigator on staff. They're basically like their own little country. I wouldn't be surprised if they try to take over Malibu like it's Crimea.

*15 Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 1
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 2
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 3
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 4
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 5
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 1
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  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape 10

Kris Jenner arriving a medical center in L.A. (2/4)

Since Kris Jenner has squeezed every last nickle she could out of Hollywood, it only makes sense that she'd move on to the high seas. "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, give me all your appearance loot and sponsorships booty, um, or I'll rape you!"

*10 Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Pirate 1
  • Kris Jenner Pirate 2
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The Kardashians are going out Heaven's Gate style

Kris Jenner says when the Kardashians finally retire as a reality family, they're going out all at once . . . with E! filing bankruptcy shortly after. Kris said:
"We made a deal with one another when we shot the first episode that if someone is not having a good time we'll have to stop, and no one has ever said they're not having a good time I think we're having the time of our lives."
So the only thing keeping Team KKK on TV is whether or not the sows are happily producing cultural poison? Well, since being off TV is like death to these people, I believe a Heaven's Gate-style exit suits them perfectly. Hopefully Kanye will be a full member by the time the UFO flies by so he can join in on the tequila and cyanide shots . . . who are we kidding? -- this family isn't going anywhere. After all, it was Kris who promised her money makers that she'd quit as soon as they weren't having fun, and we've all heard how much she honors promises made to her family . . . specifically husbands.

*10 Kardashian family pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kardashian Family Retirement 1
  • Kardashian Family Retirement 2
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Kris Jenner is a monster

Kris Jenner being a terrible mother isn't a recent phenomenon -- she's been one for years. According to In Touch Weekly, Kris started Khloe on a gym routine when she was just 4-years-old. Holy crap. I was still figuring out how to use the toilet instead of my bed at 4-years-old. I can't imagine trying to learn the elliptical. From the magazine:
Kris Jenner's obsession with looks has reached a new high. The Kardashian matriarch not only wanted Khloe Kardashian to get a nose job at age 9 -- she had her working out at the young age of 4! In the new issue of In Touch, Kris' sister -- and Khloe's aunt -- Karen Houghton recalls how Kris would force Khloe, who's struggled with her weight her entire life, to exercise.

"Khloe might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise," Karen tells In Touch. "I would take her a couple of times a week."

Khloe has done all she can to build up her own self, but friends fear she'll never be able to tune Kris out completely. "Your parents are supposed to be there for you," says the insider. "You don't hurt your daughter like that."
What, can't a mother care about her daughter's happiness? This is Khloe Kardashian we're talking about here. Chewy is considered to be the least-talented Kardashian -- and her competition is a porn star and a woman too stupid to understand the concept of birth control. I think that Khloe should be honored to have a mother honest enough to tell her that she's a real beast who'll never find a man to take care of her unless she sheds some of that disgusting fat from her then 4-year-old frame. Has it worked? Well, you tell me. Khloe seems to be the most well-adjusted of the awful Kardashian Klan (well, as long as you ignore her own relentless self-promotion and love of fake relationships for the sake of getting her ugly mug on TV). Yep, Khloe is well-adjusted as long as you ignore her desperate cries for approval from her pimp. Oops, I didn't mean her pimp, I mean her mother . . . yeah, no differences between a pimp and Kris Jenner at all.

*21 Khloe Kardashian and Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 1
  • Kris Jenner Forced Toddler Exercise 2
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Kendall Jenner leaving Fred Segal in West Hollywood (12/19)

One Direction boybander Harry Styles wants to date Kendall Jenner, but he doesn't want to be on TV and has refused to allow E! cameras on their dates. Who does this little punk think he is? It almost like he thinks this is a real relationship! From the New York Daily News:
Producers of Keeping Up With the Kardashians had asked Kendall to let them follow their dates in Los Angeles and New York or even use some cell phone video. However Styles, 19, laid down the law to his girlfriend, insisting that their dates are "personal, not professional."

"Harry has told Kendall that he will not appear on 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' under any circumstances," our source tells us. "Harry does not want his love life played out across the world on TV ... Kris [Jenner] has a double interest. Obviously she wants her daughter to have the best relationship with Harry but as the show's EP knows how much of a draw footage of the pair could be. Naturally, the producers want Harry on camera."
Well, I think we can all agree that Harry Styles must have balls the size of grapefruits, because no one -- and I mean NO ONE -- gets in between Kris Jenner and selling her daughters for the sake of her TV show. Take Kanye, for example. For all his big talk about not allowing himself to be used by Mother Dearest to boost her stranglehold on the world of reality entertainment, Kanye is the star free-agent signing on Team KKK's bench. It's a spectacular and well-deserved fall from grace for Black Jesus (self-proclaimed). Now the Evil Empire has Mr. Styles in its crosshairs, so I guess we'll find out if his management team is stronger than all of Kendall's kegel training at the feet of her Sith Lord of a mother. If history tells us anything, it's that we should plan to see Harry all over E! for the next year until Kendall dumps him because he's no longer peaking on iTunes . . . it also tells us that you should never enter into any agreement of mutual assistance with France.

*20 Kendall Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Harry Styles No Cameras 1
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 2
  • Harry Styles No Cameras 3
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  • Harry Styles No Cameras 20
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Kris Jenner's ridiculously-big Christmas tree

Oh no wait, that's the Christmas tree in Kris Jenner's foyer. She wanted a bigger one, but they're protected by the National Park Service.


The Kardashians throw a yard sale in Woodland Hills (11/10)

Flynet says this is the Kardashian family hosting a yard sale "in which all proceeds would be matched by the family and go to the charities Greater Los Angeles Fisher House Foundation and No Kid Hungry." Yeah, right. You know those panhandlers that ask you for spare change to buy food, but you really know they're gonna take your money and go buy meth with it? This is the higher class version of that. You just bought Kris Jenner a new fucking Bentley, suckers.

*35 Kardashian yard sale pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kardashians Yard Sale 1
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 2
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 3
  • Kardashians Yard Sale 4
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Kris Jenner out for lunch in Beverly Hills (10/30)

Kris Jenner tells Joan Rivers on her new webseries In Bed With Joan (*shudders*) that she cried herself to sleep when her daughter's sex tape first came out:
"I cried myself to sleep...I don't think anything can prepare you for something like that when it comes to your daughter. I had to go into a room and cry for a couple days and say, 'okay, pull yourself to-fucking-gether because you have to be here for all these kids and your family, and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.'"
I don't doubt for a second that Kris Jenner was in tears when Kim's sex tape came out. I just think it's for a different reason than she's implying. "I can't help but think -- *sniff* --  that I should have negotiated a cut of the backend -- *wipes away tear* -- instead of just a lump sum payment up front. I have failed as an exploitative mother -- *sniff* -- and I can only hope to get better in the coming years."

*15 Kris Jenner Beverly Hills pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 1
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 2
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 3
  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 4
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  • Kris Jenner Sex Tape Tears 15

Kris Jenner appearing at Kardashian Khaos in Las Vegas (10/26)

Kris Jenner froze out Access Hollywood from Kim Kardashian's birthday over the weekend in Las Vegas because they had the nerve to not kiss her horrible talk show's ass. Hey, you know who else used to use fear and intimidation to silence their critics in the media? Hitler. From Access Hollywood's executive producer Rob Silverstein
Kim's birthday bash is tonight at Tao in Las Vegas. This is an annual event and they are paid millions. They will all show up, they will walk the red carpet... they will fulfill their obligation.

We were planning on covering but Kris Jenner has "blacklisted" us. The reason: She was not happy with a review we aired of her talk show. A few months back.

The facts are the Kardashians are famous for being famous. They have taken what Paris Hilton started and taken it to a new level. That is no small feat.

When they were just starting out on this journey, they would take any publicity they could get, now it appears they are being selective. That is their right. Our right is to cover the family as openly and fairly as we cover all of Hollywood and despite the "blacklist," that's exactly what we will keep on doing.
Boy oh boy, Bobby Silverstein sure does seem to be mighty upset with the vile Grand Dragon of Team KKK. Well, boo fucking hoo. Access Hollywood chose to get in bed with a woman who would lose the moral high ground against Andrea Yates, so waking up to a burning of the crotch region should have been expected. Here's what Access and the rest of the mainstream media needs to do as a way to corral these "famous for being famous" bottom feeders -- bring me in as your editor/partner with controlling interest. Not only will I bring the heat every single night, I know I can make you hacks something you've NEVER been in your lives: hip, edgy, and hung. Okay, two of the three. Call me.

*30 Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Petty Bitch 1
  • Kris Jenner Petty Bitch 2
  • Kris Jenner Petty Bitch 3
  • Kris Jenner Petty Bitch 4
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Kris Jenner arriving at a meeting in Woodland Hills (10/8)

She's been single less than two days, and already Kris Jenner's being linked to a dude. In Touch Weekly says she wants to jump the bones of former Bachelor star Ben Flajnik (reality stars tend to gravitate towards each other like flies to shit):
"She has a crush [on Ben]," a source tells the new issue of In Touch, on newsstands now.

He's almost half her age, but that hasn't stopped the Kardashian matriarch."They've been spending a lot of time together," says the source. Kris, 57, even posted a photo (with the hashtag #livinglifeee) of her and Ben, 31, at his vineyard in Sonoma, Calif., on Sept. 28.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that he's wealthy and famous. "She and Bruce are separated, so now they're allowed to see other people -- and she's in full-on dating mode."
Oh boy, I can hardly wait until Kris dives head first into the dating scene, and not just dip her toe into it like she did during her marriages. Of course, absolutely nothing is off the table when it comes to the matriarch of Team KKK. I'm already imagining up-skirts, nip slips, drunken walks of shame . . . and that's just leaving for church on Sunday. Imagine the shenanigans Kris will take part in once the ink is dry on the divorce? Dare I say it . . . yes, I'll say it: Grandma Kris will leak a porno that's so hardcore, it'll make Kim's interracial romp look like a Joel Osteen sermon.

*15 Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Dating 1
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  • Kris Jenner Dating 3
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