Kris Humphries

Kim Kardashian on her way to a gym in West Hollywood (1/2)

When she gives birth in June/July, due to their ongoing court battle, Kim Kardashian will technically still be Kris Humphries' wife. How romantic. I wonder if he's going to smoke a celebratory cigar with his friends?

*30 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kim Kardashian Birth Date 1
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Kim Kardashian's ex is now slumming it with the Jersey Shore cast

I didn't think it was possible to embarrass yourself more than being dumped by Kim Kardashian, but Kris Humphries somehow found a way to do it. From In Touch Weekly:
Rest assured, Kim Kardashian's estranged husband isn't pining for her — or even thinking about her — these days. On a recent night out at New York hotspot Riff Raff's, Kris Humphries, 27, was spotted partying with a group of friends that included Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino — and hitting on many pretty ladies. "Kris asked Vinny to help him pick up girls," a witness tells In Touch. "Vinny said, 'Seems like you're already doing a good job!'"
Kris Kardashian-Humphries is hanging out with the Jersey Shore degenerates? Sure, I'll buy that. Of course Kris wants to hang out with those scumbags -- what else is he gonna do? Win games with the Nets? HA! Kris got a first-hand lesson on how great life is when you accept being a shameless monster, so why not hang out with the team of creeps that perfected the art of cashing checks for being completely dead inside? Maybe Kris is trying figure out how the Jersey Shore cast still gets cheap applause, since he's still getting booed in every arena he visits. This dope is the guy who didn't know his wife was the most mainstream porn star in the world. On the other hand, hanging out with these walking Ed Hardy ads will eventually catch up to him. I hope Kris comes to his neanderthal senses, because I swear, if you were to look deeply into Vinny Guadagnino's eyes, you'd see an IOU for a soul from God.

*5 Kris Humphries pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Humphries Jersey Shore 1
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  • Kris Humphries Jersey Shore 3
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  • Kris Humphries Jersey Shore 5

Kris Humphries appearing on Good Morning America in New York (12/9)

Of course Kris Humphries is writing a tell-all about Kim Kardashian. Knowing him, I guarantee it has some kind of pop-up or coloring component to it. A source told Star:
"[Kris] always insisted he'd never write a book about her. But with things getting uglier by the day, he has been meeting with top NYC literary agents and mulling over offers to do just that."

Also included in Kris' plan of attack: a possible documentary on his short yet dramatic life with the reality star and her family. And his own clan is on board if he needs help: "The Humphries family fully supports Kris and will participate to back up his claims." (Print Edition - 12/19)
Let's get something straight right freakin' now: Kris Humphries isn't writing anything. The man is a neanderthal -- he should be clapping dull rocks together to make sharp rocks for hunting. His agent is writing a book in Kris' name. And what would a tell-all reveal about Kim that any 13-year-old girl can't? Kris, you MARRIED A PORN STAR. Porn stars are not honorable people, and they very literally will do anything for money. If you don't believe me, ask my close and personal friends Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, Tito Ortiz, or Kirk Cameron. We were in 'nam together, and we know what we speak of. Let's assume you didn't know how Kim got famous. Do you mean to tell us that you never wondered why she always smelled like condoms, stickum spray, and urine?

*11 Kris Humphries pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Humphries Tell All 1
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Kris Humphries at a press conference in New York introducing him as the new face of Sector Watches (11/17)

Citing "fraud," Kris Humphries has officially filed to have his 72-day marriage to Kim Kardashian annulled. Sweet, this means the next time Kim gets married, it'll only be her second husband instead of her third. That's way more normal for a 31-year old! From the New York Post:
Kris Humphries filed for legal separation and an annulment from estranged wife Kim Kardashian in Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday, his rep confirms. Sources say Humphries declared the reason for the annulment as "fraud" and listed the date of separation as Oct. 31, the same date Kardashian filed for divorce from him.

Legal experts predict that Kardashian and Humphries are heading toward a bitter court battle. For Humphries to be granted an annulment, he will have to prove that he was defrauded and that no valid marriage took place between he and Kardashian, despite the four-hour wedding special that aired on E! just weeks before the couple split.
Oh Kris, your naivete really is one of your charms. You still don't get it, do you? K-Fat didn't marry you because of your "boy next door" good looks or the promise of penis size that your height affords you. She clearly didn't marry you for your money because, let's be honest, you're not a good basketball player and you'll probably end up playing in South America for coke in a few years. No, the reason why Kimmy money-maker decided to join you in holy matrimony for a few episodes was . . . wait for it . . . because your first name starts with a K, you goon! Come on dude, pull that 10 gallon head out of your ass. Being stupid isn't grounds for an annulment, but it is a reason to play for the Nets. You are correct that this was a sham marriage, but a sham to everyone except the Humphries clan. The first clue for this fraud should have been that Kim didn't let you pee on her; the second clue was that you're not black.

*15 Kris Humphries pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Humphries Annulment 1
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Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries during a happier episode of their marriage (season premiere I think)

I know this may come as a shock, but Kris Humphries isn't exactly gonna get a fair and balanced portrayal on the upcoming season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York. In Penn State terms, Kim is the boy in the shower to Kris' Gerry Sandusky. From Radar:
The upcoming season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York will feature the star, Kim Kardashian, as the "victim" and her estranged NBA hubby Kris Humphries, as the "lazy and insensitive" villain.

The E! reality darling will be seen "as the victim, and Kris will definitely be the bad guy. Kim was stunned by the amount of bad press and the public relations nightmare she has endured since deciding to file for divorce,” a source close to the situation says. “Kim will be using the show to attempt to rehab her image.

"Kim carefully and methodically plans all of her business decisions, and that is how she is looking at her divorce, as all business. Of course she is sad, but it's all about Kim's endorsement deals and paid promotional appearances."
Sorry Kim, asserting that your pro athlete ex-husband was "lazy" probably isn't going to get the traction you're looking for. If your ex was a professional video game player or celebrity blogger, that sort of claim might have worked. As it stands, the only complaint anyone will believe that you'd make about Kris at this point is that he wasn't making you enough money. Maybe Kim should have just done what she wanted in the first place and married a printing press.

*10 Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian total in the gallery:

  • Kris Humphries Villain 1
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Kim Kardashian is lying about her engagement ring

There's been a few reports over the weekend that there's an alleged clause in Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' prenup that she has to pay him $2 million if she wants to keep the 20.5 carat engagement ring he "bought" her. TMZ says:
Ironically, without a special clause in the prenup, Kim would have been the proud owner outright, because once they became man and wife, the ring would have been Kim's. Since the couple is now kaput -- the diamond is in Kim's court. We're told KK still LOVES the ring -- and will pay Kris so she can keep it.
Kim's mom Kris even appeared on Fox & Friends last week and said Kim shouldn't have to give the ring back:
"This is the first time I'm hearing that. That's between them -- a gift is a gift. If you look at the etiquette books, it says keep a present. But I don't think Kim is as concerned about that as else. I don't think it's about the gifts or the money, it's about what she's feeling. It's about two people and how their lives are changing."
Interesting that Kris said Kim shouldn't have to give the ring back. Why would she give it back? It's her ring. The picture on the left was taken of Kim in 2007 (another pic here); the one on the right is from the People story announcing her engagement earlier this year. In other words, she bought her own damn engagement ring, gave it to Kris to give to her, and now her mom is giving interviews about whether she should be allowed to keep the "gift." I like to steal Halloween candy from little kids and even I think this family is unconscionable. They should go into politics.

*10 Kim Kardashian ring pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kim Kardashian Same Ring 1
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Was Kim Kardashian's marriage just a publicity stunt?

This may shock and unsettle you, but there's some unsavory characters in the media spreading rumors that Kim Kardashian may have married Kris Humphries just for the attention, and not because she actually loved him. What? Never! A source "close to the Keeping Up with the Kardashians production" told Radar:
"It was pretty much an arranged marriage right from the start. Kim was looking for a husband and Kris was selected for her, amongst others. She wasn’t really into him but she hoped she would be able to develop some feelings, but it never happened. She was never particularly attracted to him, and by all accounts absolutely hated sleeping with him or even having to make out with him.

"The whole wedding was a total hoax and a publicity stunt. It was great for ratings and it was an amazing money maker. That’s it though, period. Kris turned out to not be as malleable as everyone hoped he would be, he was pictured out partying with other girls, Kim really couldn’t care less for him, she decided to end it."
Are we supposed to believe that Kim and Kris' entire relationship was just a sham to gain attention and money? The hell you say. Who would have thought that a woman who's been more of a sellout than Fenway would do something like that? Frankly, the only surprising thing about this story is that Kim stayed married as long as 72 days  -- especially since etiquette dictates that you don't have to return your wedding gifts after 60 days.

*10 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kim Kardashian Sham Marriage 1
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Kris Jenner is pulling the strings

The matriarch of the Kardashian family, Kris Jenner, is appearing on The Today Show this morning to talk about her daughter Kim's divorce. One subject that I'm sure won't come up is the fiscal crisis in Europe how she's basically pulling the strings on everything. From The Hollywood Reporter:
An insider also told The Hollywood Reporter that Jenner -- who serves as the family's business manager -- made sure that Kardashian and Humphries' divorce was announced on Monday in time for coverage in the weekly magazines, which go to deadline that day.

The Kardashians unleashed multiple statements to the media Monday (making sure to first give them to E! News, which airs their reality show, and thus pays their bills), before the ink was dry on the divorce filing.
If you think Kris is manipulating her daughters like a puppet on a string, you're wrong. She's manipulating us. The fact that she timed the announcement of her daughter's divorce to coincide with the tabloids' deadlines is disgusting, repugnant, and exactly what you'd expect from a woman that sees her children as an ATM. Speaking of ATM, I hear Kim might be getting back together with Ray-J.

That last line is much funnier if you click the link.

*10 Kris Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kris Jenner Pulling Strings 1
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Remember the happier episodes

Courtesy of BuzzFeed, here's some pics from the amusing candlelight vigil held in front of Kim Kardashian's store DASH last night in New York.

Of course I didn't show up. The tragic separation of a young couple so clearly in love is nothing to be mocked. Also, I live in California.

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*20 Kim Kardashian vigil pictures total in the gallery:

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Kim Kardashian leaving a salon in Beverly Hills (10/25)

Was a lack of privacy to blame for Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' split? In this hilariously-awesome article by People -- which was published a few days before the divorce announcement -- Kim "the only thing not filmed in my life are my bowel movements" Kardashian bemoans a lack of privacy in her marriage:
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries pulled off their fairy tale wedding - but instant marital bliss? Soon after saying, "I do," the E! reality star, 31, and her NBA athlete husband, 28, faced tabloid reports that their marriage was already strained. Kardashian herself now admits that the couple's living situation in New York City was a source of stress.

"It's not ideal because you're newlyweds and you want privacy," she recently told PEOPLE.
If "privacy" is what these two wanted, they probably shouldn't have lived in New York. Or alerted the paparazzi to their every move. Or signed up to be on the cover of every magazine that asked. No, if Kim and Kris really wanted the media to pay no attention to them, they should have become Libertarians. Ron Paul 2012!

*17 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kim Kardashian No Privacy 1
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