Kourtney Kardashian

This is how Kim Kardashian promotes things

No, that's not a picture promoting the new Kardashian Kollection line of lingerie (kill yourself if you've ever bought that, btw). Kim actually tweeted the pic over the weekend to remind everyone to watch the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians:

"Season 7 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians starts tomorrow!!!! OMG"

Wow, even Snooki thinks this is low class, and she once sucked a guy's dick because he promised to watch Jersey Shore. What's Kim gonna do to get everyone to watch the finale? A Juggs photoshoot?

*5 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kourtney Kardashian shopping in West Hollywood (5/18)

On Friday, Kourtney Kardashian was spotted parking in a spot reserved solely for the handicapped, some of which are war heroes. "Fuck you war heroes, you pussies!" Kourtney may or may not have said. Shocking stuff. Disgraceful, really.

*26 Kourtney Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kourtney Kardashian shopping in Beverly Hills (5/2)

I know this may shock and surprise you, but another one of the Kardashians is trying to profit on her wedding and has already signed a deal with E!. Wow, a lucrative, contract wedding. It's the thing every little girl dreams of. From In Touch Weekly:

In Touch has learned [Kourtney Kardashian] has selected Casa Aramara — the stunning estate on the outskirts of Puerta Vallarta, owned by Kardashian pal Joe Francis — as the venue for her wedding to Scott [Disick]. "Her family has been friends with Joe or so long," the friend adds. "Kourtney has always considered Joe's home a place where she can really relax."

Of course, Kourtney's reasons for marrying Scott, 28, aren't entirely romantic. "They signed a $1 million deal with E! to get married on TV," an insider reveals to In Touch, who adds that the couple will be announcing their engagement "in an orchestrated, well-publicized manner" to ensure they get as many viewers as possible. Both ambitious, the pair is excited to be raking in this type of money — and that's doing a lot to alleviate the stress between them.

Wait, I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. This time, a Kardashian will have an elegant, classy wedding that will make William and Kate's look like a German shizer film. Aw shit, who am I kidding? The Kardashians would probably star in a German shizer film if you payed them enough, so don't expect a subtle event from this pack of savages. I will tell you that I can't wait to hear Kourtney's wedding vows. It will be only the third time in the history of the world that the words "ass to mouth" will be spoken in a wedding. The first two times of course were said for both of Kim's sham marriages. Khloe choked when it was her turn, In my humble opinion

*17 Kourtney Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Thursday, April 19

Kourtney Kardashian arriving on a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Taylor Schilling shopping in New York (pics start here)

Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman on the set of Les Miserables in London (pics start here)

Olivia Munn at the Us Weekly "Hot Hollywood" party at Greystone Manor Supperclub in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Dylan McDermott shopping at the Brentwood Country Mart (pics start here)

Rosario Dawson leaving STK restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Rachel Zoe out and about in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Vanessa Minnillo arriving on a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Kim Kardashian leaving Nobu restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Molly Sims outside Rummage in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Shayne Lamas and her husband Nik Richie celebrating their second anniversary at STK restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Julissa Bermudez and Adrienne Bailon at NBC's Summer Press Day at The Langham Huntington Hotel in Pasadena (pics start here)

Sylvester Stallone on the set of The Tomb in New Orleans (pics start here)

*115 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

The Kardashian Kollection's new bikini collection

Kardashian Kollection co-creator Bruno Schiavi shared the latest pic of the collection on Facebook today ("The girls look incredible!!!!!"), and jesus, are we really doing this again? The lingerie pic released earlier this month wasn't photoshopped enough? Kim's waist is now approaching Guinness Book of World Records territory. Kourtney's bastard fetus has disappeared into the wind. And Khloe's thighs look straight off a supermodel with an eating disorder. I mean, what the fuck? Salvador Dali's paintings made more sense than this shit.

*4 Kardahsian Kollection pictures total in the gallery:

The new Kardashian Kollection lingerie ad

Where to start here . . . Khloe's wearing heels yet still barely taller than Kim. Kim's waist appears to be 15 inches wide. Kourtney's face might actually be from another model. All three appear to have empathetic souls not driven by lust and greed. This is just stupid. Why not photoshop tails and horns on all of them? It'd be just as real.

*5 Kardashian Kollection pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Wednesday, December 14

Kourtney Kardashian signing copies of Kardashian Konfidential in Calabasas, CA (pics start here)

Scarlett Johansson leaving the Ritz Carlton in New York (pics start here)

Fergie leaving her home in L.A. (pics start here)

Jessica Biel hosting the 6th annual "Charity:Ball benefiting charity: water" held at the 69th Regiment Armory in New York (pics start here)

Cindy Crawford arriving at LAX airport for a flight (pics start here)

Rooney Mara at the UK Premiere of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo at the Odeon Leicester Square in London (pics start here)

Britney Spears arriving on a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Jessica Alba arriving at the Staples Center in L.A. for the Jay Z and Kanye West concert (pics start here)

Paula Patton at the Spanish premiere of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol at the Callao Cinema in Madrid (pics start here)

LeAnn Rimes shopping at the Malibu Country Mart (pics start here)

Stacy Keibler out and about in L.A. (pics start here)

Audrina Patridge at the inaugural "Finest Club" awards at Nikki Beach in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico (pics start here)

Elijah Wood and Genevieve Alexandra on the set of Maniac in L.A. (pics start here)

*125 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Saturday, December 3 and Sunday, December 4

Kourtney Kardashian shopping at Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Isla Fisher hiking in Runyon Canyon in Hollywood (pics start here)

Paz Vega at the European Film Awards at the Tempodrom in Berlin, Germany (pics start here)

Maria Sharapova arriving for a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Dustin Hoffman leaving an office building in Brentwood (pics start here)

Stephanie Seymour leaving the W Hotel in Miami (pics start here)

Taylor Swift leaving Il Buco restaurant in New York (pics start here)

Gwyneth Paltrow arrives at Heathrow Airport in London from L.A. (pics start here)

Jessica Simpson promoting her clothing collection in Toronto (pics start here)

Nicole Scherzinger arriving at Manchester Airport in the UK (pics start here)

Reality star Lisa Vanderpump (The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) leaving Ken Paves Salon in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber shopping for a Christmas tree in New York (pics start here)

Emily VanCamp, Nick Wechsler, and Margarita Levieva filming Revenge in Marina Del Rey (pics start here)

*126 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Kourtney Kardashian leaving Aldik Home in Van Nuys (11/29)

In what's surely another ploy by the family to gain attention, Kourtney Kardashian revealed today that she's nine weeks pregnant with her second bastard child. Jesus, at least hold off on the announcement until the kid has a fully formed head. From Us Weekly:

The E! reality star, 32, took a pregnancy test about five weeks ago -- and woke up Disick, 28 (not a morning person!), around 7.a.m. to tell him the positive results.

"Now I'm nine weeks along," Kardashian tells Us. "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

The son or daughter-to-be will be the second child for the couple of five years, whose son Mason, nearly 2, was a bit of a surprise. Not so much for baby number two, the happy couple tells Us.

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

"It wasn't like we were trying" -- oh STFU. If you're having sex without a condom, you're trying to get pregnant. "I wasn't trying to get into an accident -- I was just driving down the wrong side of the freeway, and whatever happened, happened."

As for what's truly important to the Kardashians, Ford is currently in negotiations to buy the naming rights for Kourtney's pregnancy. "Kourtney Kardashian's First Trimester, brought to you by the all new Mustang" has a really nice ring to it.

*31 Kourtney Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kourtney Kardashian, Kristin Cavallari, and Kim Kardashian in Miami in 2008

It was revealed earlier this week that Kristin Cavallari allegedly hooked up with Kourtney Kardashian's boyfriend Scott Disick a few years ago, which has caused a rift between Kristin and the Kardashian sisters (they call her a "whore bag"). Judging by what Kristin told Billy Bush on Wednesday, the Kardashians made everything up for publicity (shock!):

"It's 100 percent not true. I just think, what convenient timing for them with their show premiering next week. With everything that's going on for Kim, I feel like they're trying to take the heat off her. When there's a big story like that, they always call you and ask if you want to comment and clearly none of them denied it. It's disrespectful to me and [my boyfriend] Jay [Cutler], and I think it just says a lot about their character."

Ah, the old "deflection" trick. Try to stir up controversy somewhere else to distract from the real issue. It sounds like the Kardashians have been getting their PR gimmicks straight from Wag the Dog. If this whole selling out to the highest bidder thing ends up not working out for the sisters, I'm pretty sure they'll be able to land squarely on their knees feet -- in Washington D.C.

*25 Kourtney, Kristin, and Kim pictures total in the gallery: