Kirstie Alley arriving to the Vera Wang show during Fashion Week in New York (9/13)
Even though I'm not sure she's technically still famous, Kirstie Alley went into full "A-list star mode" last Sunday and demanded a helicopter. So, what's the big deal? It was to fly her into the "Long Island Remembers" 9/11 10th anniversary tribute. Um, maybe that's a day to tone it down a little, Kirstie? Ya think? From the New York Post:
Steve Carl, of Carlyle on the Green, offered Alley transportation to the charitable commemoration, but reps for the restaurant told Page Six they were shocked to hear her “demand” for a helicopter landing, showbiz-style, in the middle of the polo field. Alley was informed it wouldn’t be possible to charter a chopper, since it did not comply with airspace restrictions set for Sept. 11.
“She had a set of demands that she wanted met before she made the appearance,” Leslie Gonzalez, an event organizer who reps Carlyle on the Green, told us. But, “She almost canceled the appearance because she couldn’t get a helicopter.”
Another restaurant rep chimed in, “We couldn’t believe it. It’s a memorial service, not a party.”
Can you really blame Kirstie for requesting a helicopter to bring her to the memorial? It's my understanding that a Boeing CH-47D Chinook has a load capacity of more than 33,000 pounds. Frankly, considering the sentimentality and importance of the event, Kirstie should have made a more reasonable request for transportation -- like a semi-truck or forklift.
Kirstie Alley returning to her hotel in Manhattan (6/26)
WARNING: This might quite possibly be the most disturbing thing you ever read in your life. From In Touch Weekly:
Seems Dancing With the Stars not only gave Kirstie Alley a better figure, but also a seemingly newfound confidence to pursue younger men! And now an insider is telling In Touch she is trying to lure her potential hook-ups by promising to make them stars. Kirstie, 60, has been hitting lots of hotspots in New York and scoping out the crowd for hotties in their twenties. According to the insider, once she manages to get a guy’s number, she starts texting. "She says, 'Wanna hang out? Wanna have dinner? I'll pay for it,' and 'I can get you a movie role,' in order for guys to respond to her. She's a total cougar!"
Oh I see how it is. Kirstie is promising these younger men movie roles in return for sexual favors, but I do the same with grades and suddenly I'm deemed "unfit to be a high school teacher" and forced to live "at least 500 feet away" from schools and community centers? Fucking double standards, man.
Kirstie Alley and Ted Volynets out and about in New York (6/16)
Am I trapped in some weird alternate universe where Kirstie Alley is considered attractive and desirable? What the hell is going on? And more importantly, how do I get back to earth? From the National Enquirer:
Just call her a cougar on the loose! Weeks after dumping 21-year-old boyfriend, hip-hop artist Shancie Boyd, Kirstie Alley is robbing the cradle again! The Enquirer caught the 60-year-old former "fat actress" locking lips with professional ballroom dancer Ted Volynets - who's also just 21.
"Kirstie just can't seem to get enough attention from younger guys these days - and she doesn't care who knows it," an insider revealed. "After dropping a lot of her weight, she looks fantastic and hasn't seemed this happy in years. Ted makes kirstie feel young and vibrant again, and since she's in between projects, she decided to hang around New York and just concentrate on having fun with him for a while." But despite their chemistry, Kirstie definitely doesn't see the relationship getting serious, the insider added. "Right now, Kirstie's all about letting the good times roll."
I think that's the first time someone used the word "roll" in a sentence about Kirstie Alley and didn't also use the word "butter."
But anyways, what 21-year-old in his right mind would date a 60-year-old who's going to be so fat in six months that her belly button will make an echo? This guy's either an extreme chubby chaser or a blatant gold digger. Oh wait, the dude's a "professional ballroom dancer"? Then that makes complete sense. These two aren't dating -- they're together because Kirstie needs someone to go shopping for designer handbags with.
*15 Kirstie Alley and Ted Volynet pictures total in the gallery:
I just wanted to remind everyone that last week Kirstie Alley said she's *this close* to having a 22-inch waist. Now to be fair, I didn't really want to write another story about her comments until I saw these pictures of her leaving her hotel last Friday. I think they really drive home just how fucking insane she is. The only part of Kirstie Alley that's 22 inches are her thighs
Megan Fox at the the Toyota Grand Prix Pro Celebrity Race in Long Beach (4/16)
Even though she's gained 12 pounds in the past month, Kirstie Alley says she can almost fit into the same size dress as Megan Fox. Yes, that Kirstie Alley. The rotund star told Life & Style with a straight face:
"My goal dress has a waist that's 22 inches," she shares with Life & Style. "I tried it on, and I can almost zip it up." She plans to wear the dress on her Italian vacation in a few weeks. "I'll be my target size by then," she exclaims. That means the 60-year-old can soon start sharing clothes with sexy Megan Fox! ["I do have a 22-inch waist," confesses the 25-year-old.]
Kirstie is determined to keep the weight off. "I’ve been dancing almost every day since the show ended," she confides. "I like all the Latin dancing. It's the best exercise and the best cardio."
Kirstie Alley thinks she's going to get down to the same size as Megan Fox? Only if Megan gives birth to octuplets. Seriously, you could fit two Megans inside Kirstie and still have room left over . . . we should try that.
Kirstie Alley leaving her hotel in New York (6/13)
Kirstie Alley -- whose weight has roughly mirrored the performance of the stock market over the past few decades (up, up, sometimes down, but mostly up) -- is well on her way to regaining the weight she lost during her appearance on Dancing with the Stars. I know, right? Aren't you totally shocked, too? From the National Enquirer:
After triumphantly slimming down on DWTS, Kirstie Alley has gone on a wild eating binge - and quickly packed on 12 pounds.
“No one expected her to keep up with the demanding 2000-calorie-a-day diet or grueling seven-hour dance sessions once the show was over, but Kirstie has returned to her bad old ways."
Losing DWTS - combined with not having a man in her life - has left her miserable, according to her friend. And Kristie has “been consoling herself by eating the best food the Big Apple has to offer… she’s put on about 12 pounds since the DWTS finale.”
In Kirstie's defense, she probably never would have regained this weight if bacon didn't taste like bacon. "It's not fair!"
Honestly, this business failure couldn't have happened to a nicer person . . . and by "nicer person" I mean "bigger bitch." A spy told the National Enquirer:
"Kirstie [Alley] opened her Organic Liaison store in the tony Los Feliz area eight weeks ago, and it's gorgeous-a huge storefront that's all glass, a loft, expensive modern furniture, beautiful hanging lamps and a wall-mounted big-screen TV that pumps out Kirstie clips. The palace has everything-except customers. I pass by at least twice a day and not once have I seen anyone inside, except a lonely salesgirl. On the one occasion I dropped in, the phone rang and the girl's face lit up-but it turned bout to be a wrong number."
What did Kirstie think would happen? No one's going to go to a fat person's store to buy health conscious foods -- it just doesn't make sense. That would be like seeing a French person open a deodorant store or K-Fed open a Planned Parenthood.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is normally associated with people who've fought in horrific wars or survived unspeakable tragedy, not contestants on reality shows. That all changed last night in Los Angeles. From Us:
[Maksim Chmerkovskiy] pro suffered a mysterious injury on Monday's performance show -- and nearly dropped parter Kirstie Alley when his thigh gave out. Although Chmerkovskiy, 31, was all smiles on camera, the dancer appeared to be in considerable pain during commercial breaks -- grimacing and apologizing profusely to Alley, 60.
"No big deal,' Chmerkovskiy assured UsMagazine.com in a chat after the show. "I'll be fine... It'll take a stretcher to get me out of here! I'll be okay."
After seeing last night's show, organizers of the annual "World's Strongest Man" competition have added the "Two Minute Rumba with Kirstie Alley" to the event this year. In response, 2010 champion Žydrūnas Savickas of Lithuania announced that he will not be returning to defend his crown. "Even I'm not zat fucking stupid!"
Kirstie Alley leaving Dancing with the Stars studios after practice in Hollywood (3/11)
Let this next story be a lesson to all future advertisers: If you hire Kirstie Alley, you may be biting off more than you can chew . . . which coincidentally Kirstie never has a problem with. From the Chicago Sun Times:
Kirstie Alley may be surprising people with how well she’s doing on “Dancing With the Stars,” but the folks at Jenny Craig are not cheering. The diet program honchos are very upset with the actress — believing Alley basically took their money for a well-publicized TV ad campaign, and then ran off to do her own diet plan. Even before Alley finished with Jenny Craig, the “DWTS” contestant had packed back on almost all of the pounds that she initially had lost.
According to a JC source, Alley simply didn’t stick with the diet and exercise program Jenny Craig espouses for all its customers. Now, supposedly partnering with several fellow Scientologists, Alley has launched Organic Liaison — a Los Angeles store that sells a program very similar to the Jenny Craig concept.
“To say the least, this was not our favorite celebrity endorsement arrangement,” said the JC source.
No shit Kirstie "didn't stick with the diet and exercise program Jenny Craig espouses." I'm pretty sure Jenny Craig's business model isn't to turn their clients into Jabba the Hutt. If Kirstie really launched her own diet program, her fellow Scientologists better make sure she follows through. Because as any 10th level Operating Thetan will tell you, unlike flights on Southwest, fat people can't buy two seats for the spaceships that fly to Xenu.
Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: