Archive: Kirsten Dunst

“Darrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”

What a lucky, lucky dude . . . and by “lucky” I mean “the poor, poor bastard.” From the New York Daily News:

Now it’s Justin Long’s turn on the Kirsten Dunst train. The “Mac guy” was snogging Dunst, who’s been with Jake Gyllenhaal, Josh Hartnett, Andy Samberg and Orlando Bloom, in L.A. at Sunset Junction. The duo “were making out hard-core while waiting in line for margaritas,” says our spy. “They were holding hands and were all over each other.” (Source)

First Drew Barrymore and now Kirsten? How the hell does this guy keep banging celebrities? The only thing that makes sense is that sucking him off earns you ten free downloads from iTunes. Score!

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Some guy made out with Kirsten Dunst

If you know or are friends with a guy by the name of Matt Creed, do me a favor. The next time you see him, point at him and laugh. He made out with Kirsten Dunst. From the New York Post:

If Kirsten Dunst can’t be a deejay, maybe she figures she should just date one. Our spies at the Beatrice Inn early Monday morning spotted Dunst sucking face with the hot spot’s resident spinner, Matt Creed. “She kept resisting his PDA advances, but finally gave in and made out with him,” said the fellow reveler. (Source)

This is why I’m glad I’m not famous. Imagine waking up in the morning and reading that you made out with Kirsten Dunst the night before. There isn’t a building high enough to leap off of to stop that pain. At least when I hook up with an ugly chick and take her back to my place, there’s no witnesses. I mean besides the hidden camera in my clock radio.

Kirsten Dunst is toothy

Obviously a severe case of depression. Poor girl.

Looks like Kirsten Dunst is definitely lying about why she went to rehab earlier this year. On Tuesday Dunst told E!’s Mark Malkin that she went to Cirque Lodge facility to treat her depression. A source told Star magazine that Cirque Lodge would never admit someone solely for depression. Yesterday a spokesman for the facility confirmed that policy to Defamer.com:

“We address chemical dependency issues. We’re not at all a purely psychiatric facility like Bridges To Recovery, and each patient must undergo a detox for their chemical dependency, whether they’re coming off benzos, you know, cocktails in a pill, or harder substances. We do treat underlying issues, but if someone is suffering solely from chronic depression, we’re not the place to go.” (Source)

So why is she lying? It’s simple really: ugly people lie. And they steal, too. It’s a survival mechanism. Pretty people like me use charm and wit. Ugly people lie and steal. I’ve learned not trust chicks unless they’re at least a nine. I trusted an eight one time and she stole my wallet.

[WENN]

Kirsten Dunst is depressed

Early this year, Kirsten Dunst spent a month at the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah (same one Lindsay went to). It was widely believed the actress entered rehab because of her problems with drugs and alcohol — one source even claimed Kirsten was drunk when she checked in. However, according to Kirsten, drugs and alcohol weren’t to blame for the rehab stay. She told E!’s Marc Malkin:

“I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression. It was a good six months before I decided to go away. I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn’t know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge . . . Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.” (Source)

So says Kirsten Dunst to E! gossip reporter Marc Malkin.

UPDATE: A source told Star that Kirsten is totally lying about her alcohol problem and she’s ugly:

“[Cirque Lodge] would refer you somewhere else if it’s just depression.” (Source)

OK I added that part about her being ugly.

Kirsten Dunst taking a day off from rehab in Orem, Utah (2/24)

Kirsten Dunst is jetting through the twelve-step program. Though she entered rehab in early February, the actress is already on step nine (”Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”). In Touch Weekly says:

One of the first people Kirsten, 25, reached out to is her Spider-Man co-star and former boyfriend, Tobey Maguire. “Kirsten apologized for things she did to him when they worked together and dated in 2001,” the insider reveals. Tobey, 32, said he forgave Kirsten, says the insider.

Apologized for things she did to him? You mean like every time she undressed and got on top of him?

FACT: 77% of men who’ve seen Kirsten Dunst naked have posttraumatic stress disorder

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Kirsten Dunst expects more but pays less

Of course the big question on everyone’s mind after Kirsten Dunst entered rehab a few weeks ago was would she lose her trademark sex appeal? Would sobriety declaw her inner sex kitten? Judging by these pics of her shopping at Target yesterday, the answer is — I’m totally kidding. She’s so damn ugly. Like if degrees of ugliness were battles in the Civil War, Kirsten would be Gettysburg.

Kirsten Dunst enters rehab

Last week it was revealed Kirsten Dunst was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The actress has acted increasingly erratic in recent months and friends felt it was only a matter of time until she broke down. Star magazine is now reporting that the actress has checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Sundance, Utah (the facility of choice of Eva Mendes and Lindsay Lohan). A source in Utah told Star:

“She desperately needed help She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she’s getting the help she needs.”

Kirsten, 25, has long had a reputation for partying, with bloggers giving her the unfortunate nickname of Kirsten Drunkst. (Source)

Wait, we call her Kirsten Drunkst? Really? How come no one ever told me? I’m always the last to know — my wife’s herpes, my girlfriend’s herpes, and now this. Oh well, I like “ugly” better. It just rolls of the tongue. Or “AHHHH!!! Kill it!!!”. That works too.

PIC: Kirsten Dunst eating lunch in West Hollywood (1/4)

Kirsten Dunst on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Kirsten Dunst’s “strange” and “erratic behavior” over the last few months have left her friends feeling she’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Page Six says:

The starlet came late, left early and “acted erratic” during a recent event at Sundance, according to insiders. The source added that friends of the actress made apologies on her behalf, saying, “Kirsten is not in a good place right now.” Dunst, who split from Razorlight rocker boyfriend Johnny Borell last year, has not been photographed or spotted out in recent weeks. (Source)

Of course she hasn’t been spotted “out and about” the past few weeks . . . that’s what happens when you live in a coffin. Now I’m not saying Kirsten’s fang teeth, black clothing, and pale skin make her a vampire, I’m just saying has anyone else noticed the rise in farm animal mutilations lately? Of course Kirsten’s “erratic behavior” could be linked to something simple: like the fact that her new boyfriend has high blood-sugar.

Getty

Kirsten Dunst’s hotel room was robbed earlier this month. Shortly after the Spiderman star left her suite at the Soho Grand Hotel to film scenes for her new movie How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, Jarrod Beinerman and an unknown accomplice entered the room, swiping thousands of dollars worth of stuff. The New York Post says:

Beinerman allegedly walked through an open door into the penthouse and stole items belonging to Dunst and her companions, including $2,500, a Marc Jacobs purse, wallets containing IDs and credit cards, several bags - including one by Balenciaga - two digital cameras, a cellphone and an iPod, records state. Most of the high-value items - including the bag valued at $13,000 - were Dunst’s. (Source)

Thank god these dudes didn’t steal any of Kirsten’s beauty supplies. Her lifelong strategy of never using them finally pays off! Score one for Kirsten Dunst!

BONUS JOKE: What do Kirsten Dunst’s Robbers and Michael Jackson have in common?  They’re both predators that raid rooms for soiled Spiderman underwear.

Remember those pics of Elisha Cuthbert I posted earlier? Can you believe Kirsten Dunst is eight months younger than her? I mean, how is that even possible? Kirsten might as well be from another planet (one lacking mirrors). For the record Dunst is in New York filming her new movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People. Step 1: Be Kirsten Dunst